


Forbidden

by koderenn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Assassination Attempt(s), Author Does Not Know How To Tag, Because that's the way we love him, Ben Solo never fell to the Dark Side, But he is still a mess, Canto Bight, Darker elements, Decadence and debauchery, Depiction of sexual acts, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Forbidden Love, Jedi Rey, Luke Skywalker and his academy, Politics, Promiscuous Ben, Readers might need to read between lines and figure out characters' intentions, Rey is his bodyguard, Romance, Senator Ben Solo, Senator Leia Organa, Seriously the title says it all, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Tread carefully in this story, but no rape/non-con, happy endings need hard work, inexperienced Rey, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2020-02-09 20:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 131,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18645622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koderenn/pseuds/koderenn
Summary: She is a Jedi.It is forbidden to let emotions consume her. Especially for one of the galaxy's most powerful and influential men.But as she stands rigid in his shadow, his most loyal protector, she fights the cruelest battle ever with none other than her own self. Because from this day forth he will belong to the woman standing next to him.  The woman who will help seal peace in this galaxy.He had told her so.He had no choice.





	1. Ben Solo

 

Rey’s padded boots barely make a sound on the marble floor, and yet several heads turn to look at her walking beside Luke Skywalker. Their steps are silent but swift, betraying the urgency of the call that had the two of them rushing from halfway across the galaxy.

 

She catches glances of curiosity, and maybe a little fear too, hidden behind the metal helmets of the guards stationed at the columns along the long hall. It is a grand structure, this estate she is in. All ornate high ceilings and frescos, tall windows and marble columns. It makes the scavenger in her, the one that has followed her throughout the years of training in Luke’s academy, wince at the waste of credits on such a basic need as a roof over one’s head.

 

She steals a quick gaze at her Master. Luke’s clear blue eyes are shadowed by a frown. The hood he has draped over his head hiding the rest of his tense features from curious eyes. She matches his long strides easily, the whisper of their plain, beige robes against the polished floor the only sound that betrays their presence.

 

Doors are parted for them to enter at the end of the hall, revealing a large chamber filled in morning light streaming through the windows. Some kind of a formal office or greeting room from what Rey can tell. In the middle of it stands an older woman in Senator’s robes, who quickly turns at the sound of their entry. Next to her a golden droid whirls as well, tilting its head in acknowledgment.

 

“Master Luke. It is such a relief to see you so soon after the incident. Princess… Senator, I mean… Leia was just telling me how much she has been looking forward to seeing you and the Jedi that will…”

 

A hand is raised in front of the droid, silencing it.

 

“Not now Threepio,” the woman says.

 

Luke’s twin sister, no doubt. They have no resemblance whatsoever physically. But Rey can’t deny the unmistakable similarity in Force signature that the woman exudes.

 

She approaches Luke in a hurry and they grasp each other’s forearms. “I am so glad you could make it on such short notice,” she says, looking up at him worriedly.  “I didn’t know what else to do…”

 

“How’s Ben?”

 

“Lucky to be alive.”

 

“Was he hurt?”

 

“Not a scratch. But Luke…”

 

He stares at her, waiting.

 

“He used the Force,” she says, her voice nearly a whisper. “The Dark Side.”

 

Rey watches as Luke clenches his jaw and tightens his grip on his sister.

 

“We always knew it was there, Leia. Let’s be grateful he’s alive. Rey and I are here to help.”

 

Senator Leia looks at her and turns to greet her, extending her hand. “Thank you for agreeing to this,” she says warmly.

 

Rey notices her brown intelligent eyes, so captivating in their intensity. She is nearly a head shorter than Rey, but it feels as if she is towering over her. Her hair is grey and twisted in an intricate braid on her head, held in place by golden pins that shine under the sun. She looks elegant. Rey clamps down the urge to run her hand through her own stringy hair, still peppered in Tatooine’s sand.

 

“It’s an honor, Senator.” She says, wrapping her calloused fingers around the older woman’s soft hand. “I’ll do my best to keep him safe.”

 

Leia smiles warily. “I’m sure you’ll…”

 

Incoming footfall and the ruffling of heavy fabric interrupts the Senator’s next words, and a man draped in Coruscant’s black and purple politician’s robes stalks into the room tugging on leather gloves. He is tall. Much taller than Rey remembers him. And broad.

 

The man’s initial stormy stride subsides as he sees who is in the room and comes to a gradual stop.

 

“Luke.” His deep voice reverberates within the marble walls.

 

“Hello Ben.”

 

The man doesn’t greet back. Rey can feel the intensity of his dark eyes crawl up her spine as he stares at her Master.

 

_So this is Ben Solo. How wonderful._

 

Rey is contemplating asking Luke right then and there to assign Nyxx to him instead. Dealing with spoiled, arrogant politicians is not her forte. She’ll probably end up running her own blade through him and spare the assassin the inconvenience of another attempt on his life.

 

She stifles a snort.

 

And then those dark eyes are on her.

 

“Is she the Jedi?”

 

“Ben…” Senator Organa steps in. “You said you would cooperate.”

 

“I don’t need their protection. I have my own men.”

 

“… who are obviously not equipped to deal with a situation such as this. Ben… It was a Force-wielder you were up against. We’ll need all the heIp we can get.”

 

He tightens his lips as he studies Rey from the tips of her brown worn out boots to the last strand of hair sticking out from her three buns. And she sees the disdain in his features.

 

 _Of course_.

 

“Of all the padawans in your precious academy, Uncle Luke, you decided to bring a woman to my aid.”

 

Rey stiffens at his comment, narrowing her eyes at him, but keeps her mouth shut. Yes, it would seem she will need every ounce of training she’s had up until now to keep her cool around this man.

 

“Rey is not a padawan. She is a Jedi. And the best one I have. And I would advise you not to underestimate her, Ben.”

 

Luke’s annoyance causes his nephew to chuckle coldly at him. “You are misreading my apprehension, Master Skywalker. I don’t have a problem with my personal bodyguard being a female. But my betrothed will.”

 

“Hannah is logical. She’ll understand your life is more important than a few ancient traditions of her world.”

 

“Will she, mother?” He snaps at Leia. “Or will all attempt at peace with her world and people be blown to smithereens because of your stubborn need to protect me?”

 

Rey feels his heavy eyes on her again. “This is a mistake,” he says taking a step back. “I want another Jedi.”

 

Luke huffs, exasperated, while Leia shakes her head dejectedly.

 

“You’re not getting another Jedi,” Rey’s clear voice rings in the vast room for the first time in his presence. She captures his dark eyes with her hazel, and watches his features turn into stone. He seems very unpleased. But Rey could care less. “You either accept my help or you don’t. The decision is yours. Don’t waste my time.”

 

He remains still as a statue for a long moment, studying her while Rey holds her breath. He is nothing like the boy she remembers, she manages to think vaguely. And wonders briefly if he has any recollection of her. It doesn’t seem that way, because he finally breaks away, turns around and stalks towards the exit, a whirlwind of black garments following his gait.

 

Rey blinks, shoving the stinging of his rejection aside. No matter the years, it is not a sentiment she has come to terms with. Jakku and her wretched childhood have left an ugly scar on her psyche.

 

He halts.

 

At the doors. Turning his sharp profile over his shoulder. But not giving her a single glance. “Will you be gracing me with your company, Jedi? Or should I carry on without you?”

 

Rey quickly reigns in her dumbfounded expression. Much quicker than Luke and Leia have, who are staring at the man with wide eyes.

 

She straightens her back and brushes her hand on the edge of her saberstaff perched on her back. Its presence is that of a comforting friend’s.

 

He resumes his exit and she follows his retreating back, making sure to remain two steps behind him as he makes his way down the long hall and through the heavy wooden gate. A blindingly sunny day receives them, along with a half dozen guards who flank their side as they head towards a ship prepping for take-off.

 

“Where are we headed?” She asks. He doesn’t seem to hear her as he continues his hurried pace on the landing bay. That, or he chooses to ignore her. Rey believes it’s the latter, but pretends it’s the first as she opens her mouth to repeat the question a little louder.

 

“Hosnian Prime,” he informs her flatly, not bothering to look at her. He walks up the ramp of his sleek ship, barely nodding at the pilot saluting him.

 

Rey notices the crew stiffen upon his entry, or scurry to get out of his way as he stalks further inside. A man, around her age, approaches him, offering a datapad.

 

“Our guest?” He asks, gesturing at her.

 

“My personal Jedi.” His tone is borderline sarcastic, and Rey presses her lips in a thin line, clenching her fists. “She’ll be accompanying me to my affairs indefinitely. Find her a seat,” he orders, and disappears behind a set of whooshing doors. A guard comes to stand in front of them, clutching at his armed belt and signaling at Rey not to approach any further.

 

It all happens so fast it feels unreal.

 

 _Insufferable man_.

 

Rey halts in the middle of the corridor, trying but failing to contain her aggravation. Crew members pass her by in their hurried preparation for take-off when she feels a light touch on her arm. It is the man who had offered Ben Solo the datapad. His smile is friendly, and he raises his hand to show her the way politely.

 

_Thank the gods._

 

She nearly smiles back in relief.

 

“Is he always like this?” She can’t help but ask.

 

“Sometimes. Most of the time he’s worse.”

 

_Ah._

 

“I see.”

 

“You’ll get used to him.”

 

“I doubt _that_.”

 

He chuckles. Warmly. “I’m Jeff Hudson, by the way. His Public Relations manager. Welcome aboard. Let me show you to your room. We’ll be leaving Coruscant shortly.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

He escorts her to a door a few paces away, setting his hand on its panel. It opens, and he hands her the codes to her room before bidding her a good rest.

 

Rey hesitates. “Mr. Hudson?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“What is Mr. Solo’s position? I mean… What is it that he does exactly?”

 

He blinks at her a little, startled, to be honest with herself. And it makes her feel as if she’s been living under a rock all her life.

 

“Why…He’s the Governor of Coruscant, my lady. And quite possibly the next High Chancellor of the New Republic in these coming elections. Despite his young age. I figured you were aware…”

 

“Of course! Right.” She nods enthusiastically.

 

_Gods._

 

She prays he doesn’t find out about this.

 

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Hudson,” she adds quickly. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to roam around the ship a bit. Get a feel of things.”

 

“By all means. Senator Organa has informed me of your presence. I’ll make sure you have unlimited access to all areas.”

 

He bows curtly and departs, leaving Rey to stand alone again. She feels the ship vibrate smoothly as its thrusters lift it in the air, and she glances one last time at the _Governor’s_ doors, still shut like a clam with the guard standing rigidly in front of them.

 

She shakes her head and decides to head towards the cockpit first. Hitting hyperspace is her favorite part of space travel, and she has to somehow lift her spirits after that horrendous introduction to one of the galaxies most powerful leaders.

 

_No wonder Nyxx disappeared upon the mention of Ben Solo._

 

Luke should have at least prepared her for his nephew’s foul personality. Or at least given her the choice to decline the assignment.

 

_His best Jedi, my ass._

 

Rey huffs, blowing a strand of hair out of her face as she sets foot in the cockpit. The immaculate surfaces and latest technology screens and systems easily distract her from her previous thoughts. Perhaps if the captain allows her to ease the ship out of the atmosphere than this whole ordeal won’t be that bad.

 

Rey frowns, her hand resting on the smooth metal surface of the entrance.

 

She wishes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And hopes. But we all know it won't be that simple.


	2. The Governor

It is a large ship.

 

Considering the fact that it is at the disposal of just one man.

 

Rey has roamed the main corridor and its few branches. She has examined the cockpit twice because she particularly enjoys the bright blue swivels of hyperspace. She has glanced at the common room and kitchenette, and is currently studying the hyperdrive engine with wide eyes, because -  _ holy crap -  _  it is a Class X model, which from what little Rey knows is only experimental. And they will reach Hosnian Prime in less than one standard day. Roughly estimated.

 

The Governor has expensive taste.

 

Along with a streak of extravagance, judging from the state of the art ship that he uses for his travels. The mechanic in the engine room has spent half an hour explaining to her the ship’s new hull, consisting of a metal alloy that allows it to withstand atmospheric pressure while in lightspeed. In other words, this damn ship can jump into hyperspace while it is still planet bound.

 

Rey had gaped at the information.

 

_ Who’s the crazy guy that came up with that idea? _

 

“Impressive, isn’t it?”

 

She turns to look at Jeff Hudson standing on her side with his eyes fixed on the grand technological achievement before them. He glances at her with a light smile warming his face. His very friendly, and rather handsome face.

 

“I had no idea there was an actual model out. It must cut travel time to… what? One fifth of a standard…”

 

“…Class 1 model. No. It’s actually down to one tenth.”

 

Rey lets out a low whistle. “Unbelievable.”

 

“Not really. It’s actually right in front of us,” he chuckles amicably.

 

Rey can’t help but smile a little too. Just a small curl of her lips. Jeff is… nice.

 

“I’m Rey,” she says, offering her hand to him. He clasps it carefully but firmly. A good handshake. “I forgot to introduce myself earlier. Too distracted by the Governor’s … um… brisk manners.”

 

He laughs at that, and she notices that he has green eyes. Bright and good-natured, and with a really nice shade to them.

 

“I knew your name. All details were already sent to me.”

 

She tilts her head at that. The Governor should have already known about her then.

 

Jeff’s smile falters and starts to dissolve.

 

_ Crap. _

 

Rey knows she’s not the most courteous of people, but she didn’t mean to intimidate him in any way. Maybe she should have smiled wider.

 

The man before her stiffens, and his smile disappears altogether.

 

And suddenly Rey knows why. She chides herself for being so distracted that she didn’t notice the presence looming behind her. But the Force signature is expertly cloaked for someone who has undergone barely any training.

 

 “You’re not in your room,” the man rumbles behind her.

 

She turns slowly and raises her gaze to his angular features.

 

_ Does he have to be so ill-tempered all the time? _

 

“I’m not tired.”

 

“I’ve been searching for you.”

 

“I was exploring your ship.”

 

His black eyes roam her face.

 

“What’s the use of having a personal bodyguard if I can’t find them when I’m in need of them?” He states coldly.

 

To which Rey tries to come up with an excuse, but realizes there is none. The man has a point.

 

He continues to look down at her as if waiting for an answer. And she tries to keep her gaze steady, not wanting to give him the full satisfaction of his victory.

 

_ He looks tired. _

 

She can’t help but notice with him standing so close to her. The circles under his eyes are almost as dark as his gaze.

 

“It won’t happen again.”

 

“See that it doesn’t.” He switches to Jeff, who has kept completely silent throughout their whole interaction. Probably some kind of self-preserving mechanism.

 

“Get her a commlink. I won’t have time to go searching for her when the next attempt on my life takes place.”

 

“Immediately, Mr. Solo.”

 

He steps back and turns to leave, and Rey can’t believe how relieved she feels to have his crowding presence back away from her. His gait clanks heavily on the metal platform, and his black robes absorb completely the blue light that comes from the humming hyperdrive.

 

He reminds her of a black hole. A very conceited, egotistical and  _ rude _ black hole that thrives on devouring any kind of pleasantness from his surroundings.

 

The doors swoosh open, allowing the light from the corridor to fall inside. He pauses, a stark shadow against the light, and turns his profile over his shoulder again, working his jaw.

 

“He wants you to follow him,” Jeff mumbles behind her.

 

_ Oh for Force’s sake. _

 

Rey wants to roll her eyes. There is nothing wrong with using actual words to state one’s wish. She can gauge intentions and catch surface thoughts - but she can’t flat out read  _ minds _ .

 

He resumes his heavy pace, ebony cloak rippling down his body in waves, and Rey hurries to catch up with him.

 

He doesn’t pay her much heed as he leads the way down the sleek charcoal corridor to another pair of automated doors. A small conference room lays behind them, and several heads turn to look at them as he strolls inside without breaking stride.

 

It seems like they are late, judging from the restlessness in the room.

 

_ Probably because of me _ .

 

Rey can’t help but feel a ping of guilt at that.

 

He doesn’t apologize, or make any kind of comment concerning the reasons they are late. He simply takes his seat at the head of the table. Rey scans the room, and decides to stand by the large duraglass window and its streaks of hyperspace, a few paces to the Governor’s side. He powers up a holoprojection on the middle of the polished table, and is about to speak, but seems to reconsider since all eyes are curiously drawn to Rey.

 

She must stick out like a sore thumb amongst all the greys and black and polished metal surfaces of the modern ship. Rey stands completely still in her beige and brown robes, dusted in sand and with their hems a bit muddy, trying her best to contain herself from fidgeting.

 

He turns slightly in his seat to face her, but avoids looking directly at her. He lifts a hand in introduction.

 

“This is…” The Governor trails off expectantly.

 

_ Stars... _

 

“Rey Jakku,” she fills in promptly. He glances at her. Maybe a little curiously. But it doesn’t last, and Rey’s not even sure it happened.

 

“She is the Jedi we have all been expecting,” he informs them.

 

He actually takes the time to introduce the few people to her. Rey is barely able to get a feel of them as he flies over their names and positions. Some offer their hand to her, others bow lightly in respect. It is over before she realizes, and the next thing she knows he is gesturing to a slender woman next to him with purple hair, whose name Rey has already forgotten, but was introduced as being the Minister of Foreign Affairs to begin.

 

“Cantonica is complaining of increased incidents of piracy in their sector, most probably from the Guavian Death gang.”

 

“I thought it had been dismantled by the Hutt cartel.”

 

“That’s what we all thought, but apparently Cantonica believes otherwise.”

 

“Is there any proof?”

 

“Hardly.”

 

He leans back in his chair, rapping fingers on the obsidian surface of the table for a few moments.

 

“We have to check into it. Amilyn, what do you propose?”

 

She goes into an elaborate description of a plan that was in the making, and Rey tunes off the conversation, concentrating instead on skimming surface thoughts and emotions in the room. Apart from a little fear and dislike, there are no other malicious thoughts directed towards the Governor. She watches him rake his hand through his long black hair on a few occasions.

 

Rey glances over to the blue light passing by the window, feeling a little bored, and slightly sleepy. The monotonous voice of a man talking about a failed stock market in some world within the Middle Rim, and the repercussions it could have on Coruscant’s vast banking system spread throughout the galaxy is not exactly thrilling. A few stifled yawns are passed around, and she catches the Governor rubbing at his eyes.

 

He looks as if he hasn’t slept in ages.

 

“Your Corellian adversary has released information regarding Han Solo and his smuggling of Rathtars to King Plutt,” the woman with the purple hair states, sounding a little miffed.

 

Uncomfortable silence stretches at the table as everyone waits with bated breath for their Governor’s reaction.

 

Rey is close enough to catch a mutter fall from him, as he rubs circles on his temple with eyes shut. Somebody coughs.

 

He finally turns to Jeff, who is sitting across the conference table.

 

“Get in contact with his assistant, and inform them that if the Prime Minister doesn’t release a statement about the information concerning my father being false, his most recent images in Canto Bight will be released to the press. He’ll know which ones I mean.”

 

Jeff hesitates, but nods in acceptance. “Yes sir.”

 

Rey’s curiosity spikes as she catches an image of a roguish looking man kneeling in front of a young girl with hair pulled back in three buns. She senses it came from the Governor. She immediately chases after it, dipping invisible fingers into a very troubled mind. Just a brush really. To see if…

 

The Governor stiffens. A swirl of his seat, and she finds him sending her an absolutely scathing glare.

 

Rey flinches, tearing away delicate fingertips from the surface of his thoughts.

 

“You will not do that. Ever. Again.” He snarls at her, and Rey feels as if the earth has been split under her feet and she is teetering on the brink of chasm.

 

She blinks, startled, but no emotion seeps into her features. She stares steadily but coldly back at him, their gazes locked in some kind of duel of wills.

 

He is the one to break away first, returning to the meeting with a shadow across his face as Rey stares out of the duraglass window once again. They have dropped out of hyperspace, she notices, through the numbness that has enveloped her. The vast simmering space was a comfortable place to rest her thoughts.

 

The meeting drags on, and he has not signaled her dismissal. So, Rey stands throughout it, with feet spread and hands locked behind her back.

 

 It finally comes to an end, and everyone files out.

 

The Governor has come to stand by the window a few paces away. The lights have been dimmed in the Conference room, and whatever light filters in through the window only accentuates the sharp angles of his face. He is staring at the looming form of a glittering planet with his jaw clenched, completely ignoring her presence.

 

Rey has had enough. She decides to take her leave as well.

 

“Not you,” he says.

 

She pauses and looks back at him. The Governor’s gaze is trained on her.

 

His black hair is ruffled, and a dark strand falls in his line of vision, but does nothing to hide the anger that simmers in his eyes.

 

“If I catch you searching my thoughts again, I will have you exiled to the Outer Rim for the remainder of your days - and not even Skywalker will be able to help you,” he promises through clenched teeth. “Henceforth, you will stay out of my way, and out of my mind.”

 

She cannot believe this is happening.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Dead serious.”

 

“I can’t protect you if you don’t allow me near you.”

 

“You just invaded my mind. I should have you thrown in a cell.”

 

She narrows her eyes at him as anger starts to boil in her chest. He is twisting things around, and this interaction is spiraling out of her control in a way that she had never imagined possible before.

 

“Why don’t you then? It will save me the trouble of putting my life at stake for you!”

 

“Don’t patronize me.”

 

“I’m not. This is what I’m supposed to be here for.”

 

“Then you’re a fool.”

 

She bites her lip in an effort to stop herself from saying something insulant in his face, and fails spectacularly.

 

“Luke believes you’re worth saving, for some peculiar reason that is beyond me. You are conceited and arrogant, and I wouldn’t have spent a moment of my time around you under different circumstances,” she grits out, “but I plan on keeping my promise to him.  _ And _ your mother.”

 

“Skywalker is a disappointment. He doesn’t live up to the legend he’s built himself to be. You’re wasting your life in his academy.”

 

Rey crosses her arms in front of her chest.

 

 “Look who’s mingling now.”

 

He doesn’t respond immediately. But he does take those few steps separating them, and she braces herself for his attack.

 

“You have neglected your new duties, you have searched my mind against my will and have insulted me in the worst possible way aboard my own ship. Why should I trust you?”

 

“Because it is my duty to…”

 

“You don’t seriously expect me to believe Skywalker’s romantic convictions of what a Jedi should be. They are delusions.”

 

“They are very much real,” she states firmly, looking directly into those dark eyes of his. They are gleaming against his drawn, pale face. The Governor tilts his head, almost as if he is toying with her, and leans a little closer. Rey feels his breath on her face, minty mixed with a pleasant muskier scent that must come from his clothes.

 

“Will you do it? Will you actually risk your life to save mine, Jedi?” He asks, voice low and eerily calm. It settles strangely in her stomach, causing it to sink all the way down to her knees.

 

He lingers, eyes boring into hers, sharp enough to sear through her mind if provoked.

 

Rey pulls away with a thudding heart in her chest, and scrambles to raise her walls.

 

His dark gaze follows her, but he doesn’t say a word. She finds herself able to breathe again once a few paces are between them, and makes a mental note never to underestimate this man again. He is cunning and powerful, and ruthless in a way she has never dealt with before.

 

_ And Dark. _

 

So Dark. Despite his supposed lack of training.

 

The Governor straightens his back and turns to look out the window again, clasping his hands behind his back. His black clad form blends with the darkness of space and the shadows of the room.

 

“You are dismissed,” he states plainly.

 

Rey cannot leave fast enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How much do you think Rey will be able to take from her boss?


	3. Ray of light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He is not nice ; )

 

Rey is becoming acquainted with the Governor’s back rather well.

 

It is broad, slightly hunched at the shoulders - as if his height needs to be reigned in. Or because he is always so ready to launch an attack at any of his staff who displeases him, or is not fast enough to get out of his way, it has become part of his stature. Rey has trouble deciding.

 

A Mandalorian is leading their party, heavily armored and with his very deadly weapons in full display. She can’t help but wonder why her presence is even needed. The Governor has gone to great lengths to keep himself from being assassinated.

 

Rey stays consistently two paces behind him and to his right, making sure not to glimpse at any thoughts drifting from his stormy mind. His very dark, cloudy and thundering mind. Ignoring such a maelstrom in her immediate periphery is like sailing a boat on the outskirts of a hurricane. Any wrong move, and she’ll be right in the eye of it.

 

They go up the wide steps of the Senate, the guards flanking their sides not breaking rank by a single hair. Rey raises her eyes to look at the sky. It is overcast, grey clouds heavy with the promise of rain. She is already starting to miss Tatooine.

 

It is crowded within the entrance hall, packed with delegates, senators and leaders from all over the galaxy - and all of them are surrounded by an entourage of their own. Their voices resonate inside the grand building in anticipation for the upcoming assembly. Rey’s guard is up, spreading as wide as possible in an effort to grasp any mal intents towards the Governor. She realizes - to her chagrin - there are plenty.

 

The Mandalorian easily cuts through the crowd as it parts like the sea, giving their party a wide berth. The Governor of Coruscant is a well-respected man and, from what she senses, quite feared.

 

Rey’s attention returns to the heavy black cloak before her. It shimmers lightly when it ripples under the lights of the hall, and matches perfectly the Governor’s black, thick hair, which is carefully combed and impressively set in perfect glossy waves that reach his shoulders.

 

Rey frowns.

 

She hadn’t been able to remove all the sand from her own hair last night, despite the long bath she had taken in her own private fresher. She must look like a rat. Even though she did pick her white tunic with the hood to wear, and leggings that were clean. The cleanest ones she had, at least. Her cloak was beyond recognizable due to the mud and sand covering the rough wool, so she decided to skip wearing it altogether.

 

Suddenly the Governor’s head turns over his right shoulder and he looks at her. Rey darts her eyes to the side, mortified, looking at the series of windows and balconies they are currently walking by.

 

_ Oh, Gods. _

 

She really hadn’t intended for any thoughts to slip out. She  _ really _ hopes none of her thoughts have slipped out. Because if that is the case, she might as well just resign and save herself the trouble of further chastisement and humiliation from the man.

 

She can feel her cheeks heat, but when she glances back he has already turned away.

 

Rays of sun have broken through the heavy sky, falling in radiant beams through the windows and forming bright patches on the thick burgundy carpet of the corridor. The Governor passes like a shadow under them without paying any attention to their warmth. But Rey can’t resist. She has missed the sun already, and it has only been a day.

 

She pauses under one of the rays and lets it seep into her skin. It feels a bit like coming home. Her eyes close, and she stands completely still, drinking in the warmth of it, storing it within her as if she’s some form of battery, and the sun her only source of energy in this barren world she has found herself to be in. Everything has been shut out. The voices, the ruffling of fabric, the clanking of armor and the man’s opaque presence.

 

There is only her. And the Light.

 

It is soothing.

 

_ And can’t last forever. _

 

Murmurs are drifting to her ears again, and she reluctantly chooses to return to the world. Meditation will have to wait for later.

 

She opens her eyes, feeling a bit disoriented.

 

And the first thing she sees is the Governor, standing a few paces away, body half turned and looking at her as if he has been struck by lightning. The look on his face is almost endearing. But then again, this  _ is _ the Governor she’s dealing with. He is anything but endearing.

 

She comes to stand back in her place, and he watches her every step of the way. There’s an indecipherable expression on his face, and she is hesitant to see what lies beneath it.

 

“Are you done?” He deadpans.

 

“Yes,” she says simply. No reason to poke at the beast.

 

“May I return to my duties and join the assembly now?”

 

_ Ha. Funny _ .

 

“Yes.”

 

“Should I worry about losing your valuable presence in the crowd again?”

 

Rey scoffs. What a jerk.

 

“I’ll find you. You’re hard to miss. No need to be brash.”

 

“It is a large building. You might not be able to...”

 

She cuts him off with an arch of her eyebrow. “I can find my way any place in this galaxy, Governor. Can we continue?” She might have come off as slightly obnoxious, now that she thinks about it, but he hasn’t been the most pleasant of people either.

 

He presses his lips together as he regards her, and Rey can tell he is trying to swallow some kind of comment. Her eyes never waver from his.

 

The Governor shifts to the side, raising his gloved hand for her to lead the way. A smirk plays on his lips, and his eyes gleam with irritation.

 

“After you, my lady.”

 

_ He can’t be serious. _

 

“Surely, you don’t mean for me to…” she trails off at his stony expression. “I don’t even know which chamber holds the Senate’s…”

 

“Why don’t you use the Force then, Jedi? It is a beacon of light, after all. Isn’t it?”

 

Rey scowls. She is already running out of adjectives to describe him.

 

She straightens her back - because she is  _ not _ making any more of a scene. If he wants to be a bloody idiot about this, it’s fine by her. She hadn’t meditated for any more than a few seconds, and cannot for the life of her understand why this man is so obsessed with having full control of everyone in his life. She glides past him, her bare shoulder barely brushing against the medals of distinction pinned on his chest. She ignores his towering figure and moves ahead, all the while battling with herself whether she should lead them all to a fresher just to spite him. She decides against it.

 

It takes a couple of wrong turns before the Mandalorian sets his armored hand on her shoulder and signals for her to let him go first. She immediately relents, falling back to her original place behind the Governor’s right shoulder. The man never spares her a glance.

 

They reach a long corridor with multiple narrow doors on one side, and the Mandalorian stops in front of one, opens it, and stands to the side with arms crossed in front of his chest. The Governor passes through and leaves it open. Rey hesitates, glancing at the armored man questioningly, and he nods in his distinctive helmet for her to go through, as well.

 

An enormous dark amphitheater stretches out before her. It is filled from floor to ceiling with hundreds of illuminated pods. The vast majority of them have occupants, ranging from humanoids to alien species Rey has never seen before.

 

The Governor nods at Amilyn Holdo, who is already seated in their pod, and at one of his assistants. Rey stands, looking at the imposing assembly of the New Republic, feeling overwhelmed. How is she supposed to protect him under an attack in such a place? It’s too crowded. Anyone could make an attempt, and she wouldn’t even see it coming.

 

Her heart clenches in dread.

 

_ This is insane. _

 

There’s a touch on the small of her back, and she nearly startles out of her boots. Her eyes snap to the Governor next to her, and she realizes, dumbstruck, that it’s  _ his _ hand on her. He’s looking at her, but Rey can’t see his face in the shadows of the pod.

 

“You will sit behind me,” he rumbles softly, and for some reason his composure comforts her. “Stay focused,” he continues as if he has sensed her scattered emotions.

 

Rey nods, and his hand falls from her back, leaving her oddly exposed. He takes his place in the middle of the pod, his dark robes folding richly on his sides. She drags her eyes from him with a bit of difficulty.

 

There’s a pod hovering in the middle of the Senate, and its spokesman is giving a passionate speech, gesturing wildly with his four arms. It’s in a foreign language, and Rey notices the Governor putting on an earpiece. There is constant murmuring in the Senate, and an occasional disruption by some delegate voicing an opposition. Soon enough another pod takes its place - and so on and so forth.

 

Time passes by, and Rey finds herself able to filter out the insignificant thoughts drifting in the area, and focuses more on the ones directed towards the Governor. But they are fleeting and vague, and nothing comes out of it.

 

There is a short recess, and Rey wants to thank the heavens. A droid rolls inside, setting a tray with multiple snacks and refreshments down, and Rey’s stomach grumbles in enthusiasm. She waits for the Governor to be the first to dig in, but apparently, he is not interested because he steps outside and strikes up a conversation with a Senator from Chandrila instead.

 

“No need to wait for Ben,” Minister Holdo comments lightly. “He’ll get so engrossed with the Senator that he’ll forget to eat all together. Don’t be shy. Serve yourself.”

 

Rey is never shy when it comes to food.

 

She has eaten two sandwiches, and is on her fifth pastry when she notices the Governor’s eyes on her. She quickly licks at the rich cream on her upper lip, and wipes the fruit glaze that has certainly stuck on her cheek. Of course she’d fall victim to her insatiable stomach in the middle of the Senate. She can’t think of anything worse happening.

 

The Governor gestures his goodbyes to the Senator and returns to his seat. Rey feels his gaze still on her as she is wiping at a stain on her leggings. Long, slender fingers come into view, picking a small snack with black fish eggs on its top from the tray.  _ His _ ungloved fingers.

 

“I highly doubt the Noonian sector will come to any kind of agreement with the Rodians about the hyperspace lanes,” Holdo comments casually as she stares out with an arm perched on the pods ledge.

 

The Governor hums around his bite, chewing slowly as he contemplates his answer. His dark eyes fall on her again, and are quickly averted. Rey wonders if she has any of the red glaze left on her cheek, and wipes at it as discreetly as possible.

 

“The Rodians have no choice,” he says after swallowing. “They’ll have to eventually share the lanes with the rest of the sector, since the mineral planets there will be further exploited.”

 

“The Rodian was bluffing,” Rey can’t help but comment. She had sensed that species attempt to manipulate the Senate hearing to its benefit.

 

The Governor reaches for a pastry. The ones with the fruit glaze and cream. “I agree,” he says, much to Rey’s surprise. He bites into it and chews, savoring its taste, and Rey feels as if she is missing something crucial.

 

“Tell me, Jedi,” he says eventually, as he sucks the cream from the tip of his thumb. “Are any kind of indulgences allowed in Luke’s academy besides food, or is it as strict as I remember it to be?”

 

Rey nearly chokes on her water at that.

 

_ I hope he doesn’t mean what I think he means _ .

 

“Ben,” Amilyn Holdo sends him a warning look. “Leave her alone.”

 

“It’s just a question. She’s not obliged to answer it,” he says innocently, as he sits back in his chair, eyes glinting under the poor lighting of the pod.

 

_ He’s enjoying this _ .

 

Rey feels heat rising on her chest and spreading to her cheeks. The bastard literally wants to get a rise out of her. And it’s working. She is furious.

 

“You left. So I guess you’ll never find out now. Will you?”

 

“On the contrary,  _ Rey _ . Very little escapes my knowledge these days.”

 

It is the first time he’s used her name, and it sounds so wrong the way it falls from his lips.

 

She stands up, wiping her hands on the side of her leggings and trying to restrain them from shaking. She turns to Minister Holdo. “The Governor should really start to think twice before he speaks. Maybe then, people wouldn’t be so eager to kill him.”

 

She doesn’t wait for an answer. She simply storms through the door, bumping straight into the Mandalorian’s back. He staggers, but by the time he realizes what has happened Rey has fled down the corridor and to the nearest balcony.

 

The fresh air and light drizzle hit her face, and Rey feels like crying. The man had been flat out insolent. And nothing,  _ nothing _ , excuses his behavior. She takes in a few gulps of air -  trying to calm her pounding heart.

 

It’s not long before she feels a light hand on her shoulder, and turns to see a very concerned Amilyn Holdo.

 

“Don’t pay any attention to what he says,” she tries to comfort her. “Ben is really not as bad as he wants to seem.”

 

Rey chuckles coldly at that. “He had me fooled then. It doesn’t matter, though. I’ll get in contact with Luke and ask him to assign another Jedi to the Governor if he really wants to. I’m not staying another moment with him.”

 

The Minister looks sadly at her. “Maybe you shouldn’t rush into decisions, even though you have every right to be mad…” She raises her hands in defense at Rey’s glare. “But please,  _ do _ try to return to him for the day. He will be speaking later tonight, and I’d feel a lot more comfortable if I knew you were on his side.”

 

Rey looks at the bleeding colors of sunset, and the view of endless glittering buildings and zooming air lanes that consist the capital world of Hosnian Prime. Such a different world than what she is used to.

 

She eventually nods with a bite of her lip. “I will. I promise.”

 

Rey returns much, much later, after having calmed enough to deal with this man. When she walks inside, the assembly has already started and the Governor is in his seat with his hand on the earpiece. The lights are dimmed again, and she silently takes her seat behind him. He slowly turns his head over his shoulder to look at her, and she feels her heart wedge in her throat.

 

_ Stars, please… _

 

She doesn’t believe she can handle any more confrontations with him.

 

The Governor doesn’t say anything, though. He simply reaches out to get another earpiece and hands it to her over his shoulder, his sharp profile waiting for her to take it.

 

Some kind of peace offering, perhaps.

 

She reaches for it, and his bare fingers brush against her colder ones lightly, and linger there. Almost delicately.

 

Rey quickly pulls away.

 

She sets the small device on her ear with trembling fingertips, and does her best to listen to the translation. His head turns around, and Rey is left to stare at his black strands and broad shoulders once again.

 

It’s not until later in the evening that the Governor takes the floor. His voice is deep, but imposing in the vast room and has captured the Senate’s attention effortlessly. There seems to be some form of debate with the Chancellor of Plexus about the funding of the Outer Rim worlds. It is a prickly subject, raising either heated objections or steadfast agreement from numerous delegations and Senators around the room.

 

And then Rey senses it.

 

The Governor is standing in the middle of the pod, engrossed in his debate with his opponent. It is impossible to spot where that fleeting thought had come from. She stands up and swirls her head, trying to pinpoint its origin amongst the crowd, but it is practically impossible.

 

The Governor must have sensed her alarm, because he slides his eyes in her direction. His speech falters for a fraction of a moment as he locks his dark gaze with hers questioningly.

 

She doesn’t know what to say to him.

 

There’s a small commotion across from them, some kind of stirring in the crowd, but Rey can’t tell which pod it’s coming from. Her pulse spikes, and the Force thrums in her fingertips, the anticipation gathering like an electrical storm inside her.

 

_ Where is it? _

 

If she could only find where that…

 

A loud noise breaks the Governor’s speech.

 

Blue light erupts in front of his face, and Rey finds herself standing in front of him with her saberstaff fully ignited. The light illuminates their whole pod, and voices around the Senate are raised in alarm. Panic surges in the air as some of the people rush out of their pods.

 

Bright light bathes the Senate, and security floods the floors. And then someone is pointing at a crooked pod and its terrified occupants. There seems to be some form of malfunction in its hovering mechanism.

 

That must have been the cracking sound that had resounded in the Senate.

 

Rey breathes out in relief and disengages her lightsaber. Whatever thought she had picked up has disappeared completely. She chances a look at the Governor to see if he is concerned in any way. But the expression on his face as he is looking at her stops her blood cold.

 

He is absolutely  _ livid _ .

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's up for a temper tantrum?


	4. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad you guys enjoyed the "foodgasm" moment between them! Let's see how bad he can get when he's pissed.

 

“You have humiliated me in front of the whole Senate!”

 

Rey stands across from the Governor as he thunders on in the middle of the room, her features carefully schooled into an expression of impassiveness. It only eggs him on.

 

They are in his hotel suite, in one of the most expensive and prestigious hotels of Hosnian Prime, towering over most of the buildings in the capital city. It is nightfall, but the heavy sky reflects the vast city’s infinite lights, and has obtained a bruised crimson hue because of them. Rey has her eyes fixed on the city below, wishing she were anywhere in the galaxy except here. In this room. With this raging man before her.

 

“You have made me appear weak and cowardly, and no statement in the galaxy can wipe out the image of my own personal Jedi whipping out her sword at the sound of a busted pod.”

 

Rey blinks, not offering him an answer that would make things worse. She doesn’t grace him with a single look, even though she can feel the heat of his fury scorching her skin.

 

“Ben, you are clearly over exaggerating. Everyone knows there has been an attempt on…”

 

“Am I now?” He snaps around and approaches a very composed Amilyn Holdo, who is standing elegantly tall with her arms crossed in front of her chest. “I am sure my opponents will send me their deepest regards and pat my back in sympathy when I  _ lose _ the elections, Amilyn!”

 

“You will not lose the elections because of such an incident. Rey was only protecting you.”

 

“Why don’t you say that to the Press, then? They will tear and dissect this  _ incident _ like a pack of wolves, until there is nothing left of me to bury. No.” He shakes his head, raking his hand through his already messed up hair, before he lets it drop to his side. “No. This is exactly what my opponents have been waiting for. They won’t let this go.”

 

The Governor stomps towards his private bedroom, tugging on the fastenings of his cloak. It falls heavily to the ground as he disappears through the wide open doors.

 

Rey glances over at Jeff and an assistant, Kaydel, she thinks her name is, who are standing a little further from her looking rather ashen. She presses her lips together, trying to contain the aggravation that this man brings forth from her. She cannot believe how terrified they are of the Governor.

 

“Let’s give this a little time…” Holdo says after a couple of moments pass by, rolling her eyes at the ceiling.

 

A crash comes from his bedroom, and he soon emerges with a heated face, wearing only a black shirt that was probably in the middle of being unbuttoned over his trousers. His black and purple robes are gone.

 

Rey looks away.

 

“Time?” He nearly seethes. “You want us to give this  _ time _ ? To do what? Let it fester further until my whole campaign disintegrates? Absolutely  _ not _ ! We have to find a way to salvage this. And you…” he points at Jeff, who flinches under his finger. “...will be the one who figures out how to do it. Because if you don’t, than so help me  _ Force _ , I will make sure you never find another decent job in your life!”

 

Rey snaps her head in the Governor’s direction, and he notices immediately because he narrows his dark eyes at her. “And as for you…” he growls low, “This is your last misstep. Tomorrow morning you are packing your rags and leaving. You will return to Skywalker and inform him that his infamous Jedis are as big of a failure as him.”

 

Rey cannot believe the gall that this man has. He has mocked and insulted her on more than one occasion, has threatened and berated Jeff - who had absolutely nothing to do with what has happened back at the Senate -and is currently lashing out at Luke, who has been nothing but supportive of him. Offering a Jedi for the Governor’s protection is not something that happens. At all.

 

“I will do no such thing,” she states icily. “If you want to say something to Luke Skywalker, than you will have to do it yourself, instead of acting like a petulant child and demanding of others to do what you are too cowardly to achieve on your own.”

 

“Cowardly?”

 

“And as for me…”

 

“Did you just call me a  _ coward _ ?”

 

“Oh, there are a lot of other things I would call you, Governor, but frankly they fall too short to describe you.”

 

His face blanches, and his fists clench, and a little insignificant part of her is starting to enjoy this. She is tired of watching everyone tiptoe around this man. And if this means that she will be packing her  _ rags, _ like he had said, and getting the hell out of there, than she can might as well go in a blaze of glory.

 

 “And as for me…” Rey closes the distance between them and comes to stand right in front the disheveled Governor. “First thing in the morning I will pack my  _ belongings _ and leave. You will not speak to me. You will not stop me. Because, as of tomorrow you will never see another Jedi again. I will make sure of that.”

 

Her voice is oddly cold as she says these words, and Rey can barely recognize it. In fact, she can barely recognize anything this man has brought forth from her in just a matter of hours. Luke would not be happy.

 

The Governor glares at her.

 

She can see the stubble on his jaw, and even count the lashes around his blazing eyes if she really wishes. But Rey doesn’t. She only wants to get as far away from his world as possible.

 

“ _ Leave _ .”

 

The order is simple but chilling. And even though he is looking at her, it is not directed at her.

 

The shuffling of feet drifts in the room, and soon the automated doors of his suite hiss shut. They are the only people left standing in the lounge.

 

“Is this some kind of a game to you?”

 

“A _ game _ ?”

 

“You seem to be particularly invested in bringing absolute chaos to my affairs for no apparent reason.”

 

“And you have absolutely no respect for any of the people around you. They work very hard to reach your obnoxiously high standards, and you demean them the first chance you get.” Rey crosses her arms in front of her chest. “I am surprised they put up with any of your behavior.”

 

“They are very well compensated.”

 

“Money doesn’t buy everything.”

 

His eyes roam her body slowly and deliberately, and Rey tries really hard not to give him the impression that she is affected by his gaze in any way.

 

“Everyone has their price.”

 

“I do not care about money.”

 

“I have noticed,” he drawls, as his attention slides up her face again. “I want Nyxx to be sent to me.”

 

_ Unbelievable! _

 

“He is busy.”

 

“Finding old artifacts and useless holocrons is not considered busy.”

 

“You are not getting another Jedi.”

 

_ Gods _ … How many times must she say this to him?

 

“You are young and inexperienced,” he grits out. “You are incapable of protecting me. Nyxx is Luke’s oldest student.”

 

And there you have it. The realization lights up like an electron rod in her mind.

 

Rey steps closer, and his eyes widen. Just a fraction.

 

“You’re afraid.”

 

But then again, anyone would be afraid if there had been an attempt on one’s life. But somehow…

 

_ No. There is more. _

 

The Governor remains silent. She takes another step and can see the rise and fall of his chest quicken.

 

“No one has told me what has happened,” she says.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m talking about the attempt that took place. No one has told me anything about that day.”

 

He steps back, a bit guarded, not offering an answer. That ridiculous anger of his seems to deflate in a matter of instants. The Governor sets his hands in the pockets of his trousers and goes to stand by the large window that seems to take the place of an entire wall. Rey can barely see the reflection of his solemn face as he stares at the glittering city.

 

_ So alone. _

 

Rey can’t help but think. He is surrounded by people, with a schedule that barely allows him any sleep. He owns a beautiful estate, which he never sees because he practically lives in a spaceship. He has the power to save worlds from poverty, or crush them under an economic war. He can have anything his heart desires with just one word. And yet the man is utterly alone.

 

And afraid. Despite the fact that he has a small army and an actual Mandalorian watching over him.

 

“It happened in my estate. Nearly a week ago.”

 

Rey is startled from her thoughts at the sound of his voice. She honestly didn’t think he’d say anything. Just stand in front of that window, looking broodily out at the city. But no. He turns around and fixes that heavy stare on her.

 

“Whoever it was had access to my room. At night. The only reason I’m alive is because I happened to be awake.”

 

Rey begins to approach him slowly, putting one foot in front of the other carefully. As if he were a wild animal about to flee at a single wrong move.

 

“It sounds like a very unlucky assassin.”

 

_ Is that a smirk? _

 

Rey’s not sure if that curl of his lips can be considered a smile. Either way, it is gone in an instant.

 

“He had a red lightsaber. We fought, and I pushed him through a window. There isn’t much to tell.”

 

_ Yeah, right. _

 

Half of the story, at least, is missing.

 

“Your mother said you used the Dark Side. She seemed concerned.”

 

His face darkens at that. Rey feels like she has said something she shouldn’t have. This man is so easy to irritate, that no matter what comes out of her mouth, he is bound to take it the wrong way. She is standing in front of him by now, and she can’t help but wonder why she even bothers to find out anything about him. She should have just walked out with the rest of his staff and not given him a second thought.

 

But he looms over her, feet spread firmly on the ground, hands set loosely in his pockets, looking every inch the intimidating man he is supposed to be. Rey, however, is not intimidated. Intrigued is more like it. He tilts his head lightly and looks at her.

 

 

“I did.”

 

“Do you use it often?”

 

“Once in a while.”

 

“Does it come easier to you than the Light side?”

 

There is a crease on his brow.

 

Rey studies his face, trying to decipher his emotions. The man hides himself well in the Force. His eyes are as black as ever, but she can see some kind of struggle in their depths. His nose is prominent, and his lips full, and he has bags under those eyes. And his skin is so pale. As if he has never come across a single sunray in his life.

 

He looks very unhappy.

 

“It depends.”

 

“On what?”

 

Two heartbeats pass before he answers.

 

“A number of reasons.”

 

Her eyes fall on the expanse of white, smooth skin behind his black shirt. She quickly looks up. But she knows he noticed. Because there is definitely a light smirk playing on the Governor’s lips.

 

_ Shit. _

 

“And how about you, Rey? Have you ever used the Dark side?”

 

“No.”

 

Warning bells ring in her mind. He is very good at turning the tables. She has to remember this. He is, after all, a politician.

 

“A pity. It is much more interesting.”

 

“It has nothing to offer me.”’

 

“Oh, I believe you very much know what it could offer you. Why deny it?”

 

“I am not denying it,” she snaps. “I want nothing to do with the Dark side.”

 

The absurdity of his remark is infuriating.

 

The man leans in, just slightly, before his next words make her heart stutter to a stop.

 

“Don’t lie to yourself. You would spread your legs for me and let me fuck you senseless if it weren’t for your self-righteousness holding you back.”

 

Her rattled breath fans on his face.

 

The slap on his cheek resounds in the room before Rey is able to think twice about it.

 

“You’re a monster,” she snarls. “I’m surprised there has only been one attempt on your life.”

 

His cheek is turning red, and his lip is seeping blood from a cut. He brings the back of his hand up to wipe it, staring at her with the most unfathomable of looks.  If he regrets saying those words, or plans on calling his security to restrain her, it is no longer her concern.

 

Because Rey is done. So  _ done _ with him.

 

“I have wasted my time on you,” she grits through clenched teeth, and ignores the trembling of her bottom lip. “You are not the Ben Solo I remember. There is nothing of him left in you.”

 

There is a light bob of his Adam’s apple. But that is as far as she sees. Rey twirls around and storms out of the room, feeling anything but triumphant.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... I don't think Rey will want much to do with him anymore. Or will she?


	5. The man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reviews on THE LINE were priceless! I could not get enough of them. And now that we got a good look at the beast, let's have a glimpse at the man ; )

“The Governor requests your presence in his rooms.”

 

Rey glares at the messenger, the skittish assistant who is tasked with organizing the man’s inhumane schedule.

 

“Tell him he can go to hell!”

 

It is the most polite thing she can say this early in the morning at such a demand, after having tossed and turned all night in her vastly soft and  _ too comfortable for her liking  _ bed, because of who must be the most malevolent man that has walked this galaxy.  _ Ever _ .

 

She shuts the doors on the poor girl’s face and stomps back to her bed, to continue shoving the rest of her stuff in the small worn out backpack that she’s had since the beginning of time. She will take one last shower under actual running water, she will comb her hair and get the last tangles out, dress back into her freshened white outfit - and find a way off of this planet. Even if she has to steal a vessel to do it.

 

Because nothing in this galaxy could ever convince her to stay.

 

There is another chirp at her door.

 

_ Can’t they get a hint? _

 

There is a man standing there this time around, roguish looking, with dark brown curls and a charming smirk. He is leaning on the metal beam of the entrance with his shoulder.

 

“Hi, I’m Poe Dameron,” he offers his hand to her, which she only stares at. He retracts it soon enough. “Right. Well. I’m Leia Organa’s personal pilot, and all around the man for every job, and I was pretty much ordered by her to beg you to come to Solo’s rooms.”

 

Rey hesitates for a moment. It is, after all, Luke’s sister that’s asking. A Senator and Rebellion hero.

 

“No.”

 

She punches the closing mechanism - but the guy is swift, setting a foot between the doors.

 

“Look. I don’t blame you for not wanting to come. But they just want to talk to you. And after that, you are free to decide what you want to do,” he shrugs. “No pressure.”

 

Yeah, right. Until that vindictive man decides to take her head in his next fit of rage.

 

“I said  _ no _ .”

 

Rey uses the Force to push him back, and her door shuts once again. Now if she could only find her saberstaff and hit the shower.

 

But, she’s searched everywhere for it. It’s not under her bed, not in any of the empty closets, nor sitting discreetly in any of the room’s corners. She remembers carrying it back from the Senate and setting it at the entrance of the Governor’s…

 

_ Shit _ .

 

Rey buries her face in her hands. This cannot be happening to her. She straightens her back and takes a deep breath. She  _ must _ have brought it back. It has to be laying around here somewhere. The universe cannot be that cruel.

 

She falls to her knees, looking under her bed for the millionth time. Even if it were there, she would have to use the Force to reach it. The bed is ridiculously huge.

 

There is another chirp at her door.

 

Maybe if she conjured some kind of a distraction in the hotel, like a fire in the kitchen, or a collapsing staircase, then she could slip into the Governor’s room and…

 

_ Damn that door _ .

 

She sits up and glares at it and its incessant chirping. She will actually  _ murder _ whoever is standing there if they don’t leave her be.

 

Rey stomps her way back to it and shoves her thumb on the opening button to the point of fracture.

 

The next visitor is not someone she expected to see.

 

“ _ You _ ,” she utters at the sight of the Governor looming in her doorway. His hands fly to the automated doors as she punches the mechanism to have them close in on him, but they are blocked with a sickening screech, and just like that he is inside her room.

 

Rey steps back.

 

“You have no right coming in here.”

 

“I am the one paying for your accommodations.”

 

“You really have no respect for anything, do you? I want you to leave the room and come back when I am  _ gone _ .”

 

“You’re not leaving.”

 

“Oh yeah? Watch me.”

 

_ Screw the shower _ .

 

She’ll take one when she… finds one again.

 

Rey turns around, but he grasps her by the arm to stop her.

 

“Don’t touch me!” She hisses.

 

The Governor’s grip is firm around her arm, but oddly soft enough not to hurt. She stares him down with the fiercest look she can pull together, and it must work somehow, because those black eyes of his waver to the side, and his hand loosens its hold on her. Rey shakes it off easily.

 

She hurries to her bed, gathering her last things in her backpack. She hears his heavy pace approach her, and feels his presence in back of her with that dark gaze following her every movement.

 

“This is important,” he says, and there is something unguarded in his voice that nearly stings.

 

Rey pushes down that traitorous little part of her that always jumps to the rescue of every suffering soul. This is definitely one soul that does not deserve it. She tosses her backpack over her shoulder and turns around.

 

“Nothing is more important than me getting as far away from you as possible,” she says.

 

Αnd then, Rey makes the stupid mistake of glancing one last time directly at his face. He looks absolutely ragged, all unruly hair and rumpled shirt. This is the most unkempt she has seen him up until now.

 

The man takes advantage of her distraction, reaching for the strap perched on her shoulder and pulling it down.

 

 “It will only take a few moments.” He flicks his eyes at her.

 

 There is something very raw about the way he says it that weaves itself around her chest and squeezes her breath out. Or maybe it’s just his bloodshot eyes. Whatever it is, she resents the power it has suddenly gained over her.

 

“You really have to start taking no for an answer,” she states a little more weakly than she had meant it to sound. In fact, she should have been shoving her way out, right about now.

 

He is definitely curling his lips at that. “I never do.”

 

Of course not. Force help him if he does one single decent thing in his life and actually respects another being’s wishes.

 

“This is a good day to start, then.” She reaches for her backpack, but he sets it down on the floor with a thump of finality to it.

 

“I haven’t said yes,” she objects.

 

“Luke is here.”

 

_ Oh…Crap. _

 

Well, there’s that.

 

“But I never got in contact with him.”

 

“Neither have I.”

 

“Then why is he here?”

 

He lifts his brows ever so slightly at that, looking rather smug. “Care to find out?”

 

She just knew he was manipulative like that. Rey sighs. She rubs her forehead, feeling frustrated at the turn of events. The Governor makes his way to her busted door and stands at the entrance, extending his hand for her to precede him. She’s not left with much of a choice. Luke’s here for a reason.

 

Rey slips past him, making sure to not make any kind of contact with his body, and is surprised to see that the Governor stays behind her at a safe enough distance. He is at least a couple of paces away, but Rey can still, literally, sense this man’s overbearing presence raising the hairs on the back of her neck.

 

“She’s here,” he declares as they enter his rooms.

 

The morning sun is absolutely glorious as it rises over the sleeping city, bathing his spacious quarters in its warm colors. There are three people standing inside.

 

Rey’s jaw drops.

 

“Nyxx?”

 

Her friend turns around and sends her one of his wicked smirks. “Hey there, beautiful! Heard you brought down the Senate in just a day. If Palps were still around, he’d be dyin’ to meet you.”

 

She’s in his arms in a blink of an eye, and he’s lifting her off the ground as if she’s made of feathers.  _ Stars _ , she’s missed him. Her hands grasp his grey robes tightly. They smell like sand and sun and  _ freedom _ .

 

Out of the corner of her eye she catches the Governor watching them with narrowed eyes behind a mug of caf. He takes a sip of the steaming drink, scowls at the taste, and sets the mug down briskly.

 

“Can I have a decent cup of caf today? Or is that too much to ask around here?” He grumbles.

 

A droid comes whirling in.

 

Rey wants to snort. She’s heard the Governor snarl. She’s heard him snap and rumble orders around. Has even heard him seethe between clenched teeth. But grumbling is actually kind of…

 

_ Funny. _

 

His eyes meet hers.

 

Rey snaps her attention back to Nyxx, who is setting her back on the ground and studying her, bemused. He looks as carefree as ever, and she is so happy to see him that not even the Governor’s volatile personality can ruin this moment.

 

“Ben,” Senator Organa says, approaching her son. “We might have a lead.”

 

The Governor wipes at the spilled caf on his hand. “I’ve heard that before.”

 

Leia sets her hand on her son’s forearm, waiting patiently for his attention. He finally relents and looks at her.

 

“He might be the one behind that organization we have been trying to uncover. The First Order.”

 

“Who? The assassin?”

 

“No. The creature.”

 

He stops cold at that, and whatever little color is in his face seems to drain away. Rey looks at Nyxx curiously, who winks at her and raises a finger not to say a word.

 

_ What creature? _

 

Suddenly she feels privy to some great big family secret. One that she is not so sure the Governor would be too happy about sharing with her. He removes his hand from his mother’s grasp and goes to stand by the large window. He sets his hands in his pockets and looks out at the waking city. It is such a similar image to yesterday’s that Rey realizes with sudden clarity that he is trying to compose himself.

 

He must really hate seeming vulnerable in front of others. Even if those others are his own family.

 

“What kind of a lead?” He asks hoarsely after a few moments tick by.

 

Leia glances at Luke, who nods at her to continue.

 

“Your father came across a man in Takodana who claims to be a defecting Stormtrooper.”

 

“There haven’t been any Stormtroopers since the Empire.”

 

“Precisely. Which is why it’s something we can’t just brush aside.”

 

“He might be delusional,” he opposes. “Some fanatic of the old days who has trouble distinguishing between fantasy and the real world. Force knows there are plenty of those around.”

 

The Governor continues to keep his back turned to them, even though Rey can see the tension in his shoulders. She looks back at Nyxx, hoping he’ll be willing to share some more information about this, but he just narrows his charcoaled green eyes at her - his way of chastising her eternal curiosity.

 

Rey barely contains a huff.

 

Luke is the one who takes over, his gravelly voice smoothing the edges in the room.

 

“He claims he was part of the First Order. There are a lot of things that this man has to say which sound legitimate, and seem to verify what we have been trying to put together for years. Their Leader is called Snoke.”

 

He pauses and approaches the Governor, heavy robes bristling on the carpeted floor as he comes to stand next to him. “The defector describes him as a grotesque man of mystical powers. Ben…” he sets his hand on his nephew’s shoulder and continues a little softer. “I believe he must be the one we’ve been looking for.”

 

The Governor’s head turns to look at his uncle, who has his intense blue eyes trained on him.

 

“What will you do?”

 

“Nyxx and I are leaving for Maz’s castle to meet with Han and the young man. I’ll let you know what comes out of it. In the meantime…”

 

Luke glances at Rey and sends her one of her all-time favorite smiles. The kind that makes him look like the selfless young man that had brought an Empire down decades ago, and never stopped dedicating himself for what it good and honorable in this world. It warms her heart and fills her with courage. Nyxx wraps his tattooed arm around her and squeezes her shoulder.

 

She can do this.

 

Luke’s attention has returned to his nephew. “In the meantime, Rey will watch over you. She is strong in the Light - which is one of the reasons I chose her for you. Let her help you, kid.”

 

The Governor takes a few moments before he answers back. And when he does, his voice is deep and hoarse and cracks bitterly at the end. And Rey can barely hear it.

 

“No one can help me with the nightmares…”

 

Her Master pats him affectionately on the shoulder. “You’re not alone, my boy. You’ve never been alone in this.”

 

Ben looks out the window again, and Luke makes his way towards his sister. They don’t exchange any words, but they may have just said everything there is to say in this galaxy, simply by looking at each other. He places a tender kiss on her forehead and then takes his leave, signaling for Nyxx to join him. Her friend ruffles her hair playfully, and next thing she knows they are both gone in a whirl of thick cloaks and muffled steps.

 

Rey suddenly feels very numb. Leia Organa walks up to her and takes Rey’s hands. Her eyes are red-rimmed, and there are tears pooling there, but she smiles, and her whole face lights up with hope. “Thank you for doing this, Rey. I’ll see you later at the Senate.”

 

She disappears as well. Rey is left only with the Governor and that annoying droid rolling around without a care in the world, preparing a new cup of caf for him.

 

She stares at his back for a few long moments before she nods to herself.

 

_ I can do this. _

 

Rey picks up the mug from the droid’s mechanical hand and comes to stand next to the Governor. She is very silent in her approach, not wanting to disturb him from his thoughts. She extends the mug in front of him and waits.

 

Surely that delicious smell must be very tempting. Rey has never had caf in her life. But maybe she could try some, later on. Along with those mouth-watering muffins and fresh fruit piled on the small breakfast table. When he’s not paying attention, of course.

 

His hands wrap around the steaming mug, cold, clammy fingers brushing against her calloused ones.

 

And then he turns to look at her.

 

Rey sucks in a breath. Sunlight is caressing his pale face, shimmering on his dark strands and illuminating his eyes. They are rich and soft under the morning light, and she cannot _ believe _ they are the same eyes she has been seeing this whole time.

 

Because they are not the bottomless black color of his heart. They are a striking and unmistakable…

 

_ Brown _ .

 

Rey can’t stop looking at him. Especially now with the rising sun warming his features in colors of gold.

 

 It brings her back to years and years ago. To a teenage boy with a mop of black hair and soft curious eyes, lifting a rag covering the entrance of an upturned crate to peek at the little girl huddled in a corner. The sun had fallen on his face the exact same way as now.

 

_ “Hey, there…” _

 

The echoes of the past still drift in her mind once in a while.

 

Ben blinks lightly, hands still wrapped tightly around the mug of caf she had offered him. He doesn’t say a word. He simply raises the cup to his lips and takes a sip, squinting at the sun’s powerful rays.

 

It settles heavy in her stomach.

 

“We have a long day ahead of us,” he says, turning the other way to walk towards the breakfast table. Rey straightens her back. “I’ll have Jeff get in contact with you and tell you what today’s schedule is.”

 

She stands by the window, watching his black-clad form make his way around the room, feeling a little dejected.  _ No _ . Scratch that. She feels very,  _ very _ upset.

 

“What? That’s it?”

 

He snaps his head up at that.

 

“Did you expect something more?”

 

“I don’t know. Should I?” Of course she was expecting for him to say something more. Brushing this whole situation under the rug is not something she’ll just let go.

 

She clenches her hands into fists. “You owe me an apology.”

 

That heavy gaze is a little startled at her words. It’s disheartening to see how difficult it is for him to grant her even that. An apology. Ben has changed so much. But she won’t let it just pass. Last night’s words had been vile.

 

“An apology?”

 

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

 

“I thought things were settled between us.”

 

“They are very far from being settled.”

 

Now she isn’t just upset. She is beginning to feel angry.

 

The man sets his mug back on the table with a smirk. He crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks at her. “Very well. I was out of line. I should have never spoken to you that way,” he manages to say. Rey should probably feel satisfied at that. But she doesn’t. It doesn’t even come close.

 

“I still haven’t said if I’ll stay.” She raises her chin.

 

The smirk falls from his face instantly. “What is that supposed to mean? This meeting seemed to convince you otherwise _. _ ”

 

“It wasn’t enough.”

 

“It wasn’t  _ enough _ ?” His voice rises and is starting to sound incredulous. “And what exactly would be enough for you?”

 

She doesn’t know, though. That’s the problem. She doesn’t know what to ask of this man. So she remains silent. The Governor runs a hand through his hair and grunts. He actually  _ grunts _ in frustration. and Rey wants to laugh and cry at the same time.

 

“I’m not the boy you remember.”

 

“You couldn’t have made that more clear.”

 

He tosses his arm in the air and that unruly hair falls in his face. “Then what more do you  _ want _ from me?”

 

She crosses her arms and looks to the side. How can she ask for someone to return when they no longer exist? There’s a long exhale from him, and he walks around the table, those heavy steps pounding in tandem to her heart. He comes to a stop in front of her. But Rey refuses to look at him.

 

Her vision starts to blur.

 

“Rey?”

 

_ Gods… _

 

“Look at me.”

 

There’s a soft touch under her chin, and she flinches away, realizing a little late that it had been his curled fingers. His hand falls to the side. She knows he won’t be touching her again.

 

“Let the past go,” he says in a low voice. “It will only hold you back.”

 

She still senses his eyes on her, but she can’t muster the courage to look at him. Rey feels like she is holding on to a ghost. There is a little sigh that escapes him, but it is so light and so fleeting that it blends with the shifting of fabric as he moves away. He goes back to the breakfast table to pour himself another cup of caf.

 

“You have an hour to decide if you want to remain in my service,” he says in a clipped tone. “You may go.”

 

Rey nods while staring at some painting on the wall that hangs a little further away from him. It’s been bugging her since the moment she walked into the room. It depicts a boy under the oppressive shadow of a mountain, reaching for the sun.

 

She turns around and leaves, barely remembering to snatch her saberstaff resting at the doors.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been dying to write about that pair of pretty brown eyes...And, yes, this man can be tender. On occasion.  
> Next chapter he realizes he has a serious adversary ; )


	6. Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some food for thought. Ben is much more experienced in the ways of society than Rey. Onwards!

The Mandalorian is gone.

 

Rey notices as she follows their small party down the hotel lobby. Only a handful of guards are on their side this time around.

 

The Governor is leading the way with his black cloak flaring behind him, and seems to be in deep conversation with Minister Holdo, who is draped elegantly in a purple dress. Their steps are hurried and clipped on the polished floor, and the few occupants of the lobby move aside for them to pass.

 

“You’ll be joining us at the Senate again today,” Jeff informs her, and Rey barely restrains herself from grimacing. “And later this evening you’ll be escorting the Governor to a dinner with some of the Core’s leaders. I hope you have something to wear.”

 

Rey slides him a glare. “I’ll be wearing what I always wear.” 

 

She steals a glance towards the Governor’s direction, who is still talking with the Minister. He looks rather well put together considering the circumstances. He’s back in his politician’s robes, with his hair combed into perfection and the circles under his eyes covered up. He looks as if he got up all fresh and rested after an eight hour sleep. Nothing betrays what has happened between them merely an hour ago. He is as stern and cold as ever.

 

She can’t say the same for herself.

 

Jeff gives her a toothy grin. “Don’t take this the wrong way. These things are pretty formal, and you’ll be going to a lot of them with the Governor from now on.”

 

“Are they as boring as the Senate?”

 

He laughs aloud. “I honestly don’t know which is worse.”

 

Rey smiles at him, despite the heavy stone that’s settled in her stomach, and Jeff leans in lightly to mumble in her ear. “We’d better get moving.” He gestures towards the Governor, who stands by the urban shuttle that will be transporting them to the Senate, waiting and looking anything but patient. “As boring as the Senate may be, we still need to get there by today.”

 

The Governor doesn’t look her way when they reach him. He simply boards the shuttle with a scowl. Rey slips inside after him, and Jeff follows as well. She feels rather relieved that he’ll be joining them today. His company is pleasant and light-hearted. And his presence will be taking her mind off that wretched meeting earlier in the morning.

 

The shuttle takes off, easing into the city’s air lanes. The tall buildings and infinite air shuttles zoom by the window, and it doesn’t take long before Rey gets tired of the sight. Amilyn Holdo is engrossed in reading a report, while the Governor is staring out the window as well. His eyes are narrowed against the light filtering in, and he is resting his chin on a fist. He has barely looked at her.

 

Thankfully, Jeff decides to break the oppressive silence by pointing out important buildings, and filling her in on the planet’s history. He has a lot of knowledge, and a good sense of humor, which makes his descriptions very interesting. He’s in the middle of telling her some seedy local story about a baron and his two mistresses that even has Amilyn smiling secretly, when Rey lets out an obnoxious giggle.

 

The Governor’s eyes snap to her.

 

“Is this necessary?”

 

Rey’s smile freezes. She had forgotten all about the man’s mercurial temper.

 

“I apologize, sir.” Jeff is quick to remedy. “I was just trying to make Rey feel more at ease.”

 

“She’s not on vacation, and this isn’t a recreational tour of the city.”

 

“Of course not, sir.”

 

“We have a particularly long and tedious day ahead of us. I would appreciate it if you two concentrated on that, instead.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes, which doesn’t go unnoticed.

 

“Is there something you wish to add, Miss Jakku?” His gaze is particularly piercing.

 

She bites her lip, trying to figure out if it would be worth the hassle giving him an equally biting retort. But he’s staring at her long and hard, and it’s useless anyway. So she relents.

 

“No, Governor.”

 

He doesn’t comment either. Just slides his gaze out at the rushing city.

 

It doesn’t take long for them to reach the Senate. They file out of the shuttle, and she takes her customary place behind his right shoulder. Security is particularly strict today, checking the delegates and their teams for any kind of weaponry. Rey is about to hand her saberstaff over to one of the men when the Governor raises his hand.

 

“You will allow her to pass with her weapon,” he says, capturing his eyes. The poor man just nods, stupefied.

 

Rey’s jaw drops.

 

“Did you just…”

 

But the Governor has already moved on, cloak flaring and boots clicking - and without giving this matter any more attention.

 

She jogs to catch up with him, completely disregarding her usual position, and comes to his side.

 

“Did you just use the Force on the poor guy’s mind?” She grits at him. “He might get in trouble because of it!”

 

“You are not giving away your saberstaff.”

 

“I can protect you without it. No need to turn this into a big deal. He might end up losing his job because of what you just did.”

 

He halts suddenly, and Jeff barely stops himself from running into him. The alarmed expression on her friends’ face is absolutely priceless. The Governor stares at her, pressing his lips in a thin line. Stars only know what he is about to unleash her way.

 

“Fine,” he snaps. “Fill in whatever datawork is required for our Jedi to hold on to her weapon,” he orders a bewildered Jeff, before he turns his attention back to Rey. “Happy?”

 

Rey is caught a little off guard, to be honest with herself. “I guess.”

 

He bites his lip, the spot where the cut is, seeming a bit hesitant. “Anything else?” He grumbles.

 

She could ask for a raise of the security man’s wage, but figures it would be best if she didn’t press her luck.

 

“No.”

 

“Can we continue?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He mutters something under his breath that Rey couldn’t quite catch again. He seems to do that often. The Governor resumes his original pace.

 

Rey remains next to him.

 

It is a full house today. Something to do with very important voting about a world that is to enter the Republic. He spends most of the time in talks with ambassadors and Senators within the endless corridors, and her feet are starting to hurt. The pain is actually starting to distract her from trying to keep her guard up.

 

He seems very anxious.

 

They enter their pod eventually, and Rey wants to sigh with relief. Surprisingly, Leia Organa is also seated inside, looking almost regal in her blue and silver Senator’s robes from Chandrila. He takes a seat next to her and runs his hand through his hair.

 

Jeff thankfully takes the time to explain who each speaker is, and what is happening while the Governor sits silently, sliding an occasional glare their way when they seem to get a little loud. His frown seems to deepen with each passing speaker. His mother’s seems to match his perfectly, Rey notices, as she studies their profiles under the simple lighting of the pod.

 

“Can’t they see what an important addition to the Republic this world could be?” Leia Organa mumbles. The Governor leans and sets his elbows on the pod’s ledge. Rey watches him rake both hands through his hair and feels a knot form in her stomach. She has never seen him so worried.

 

“We will need an alliance with them one way or another,” he states gruffly. “If what we’ve heard about the Order is true, we’ll need all the help we can get.”

 

“The Republic is afraid,” Leia says. “Their world is too powerful.”

 

His turn to speak comes around, and he passionately supports the world and their importance in the expanding New Republic. Rey stands next to him, trying her best to keep her mind open for any dangerous thoughts, but, truth is, the anxiety streaming from him feels almost like static and practically short-circuits her mind.

 

The actual voting doesn’t take long, since each pod needs to decide on a simple yes or no on its electronic panel. The results follow soon after.

 

The Governor shuts his eyes and rubs at them when the results are in. Leia Organa sets her hand on his back, looking at him with the most broken-hearted expression Rey has ever seen.

 

“You don’t have to do this, Ben.” Rey hears her whisper to him. “We can find another way to gain an alliance with them.”

 

He rubs his hand down his face dejectedly before he answers. “There  _ is _ no other way, mother. I have no choice.”

 

Rey feels her heart sink at his words for some reason.

 

The Governor is quiet on the shuttle ride back to their hotel, and his foul mood has spread to the rest of its occupants - because everyone sits just as quietly. The only sound that breaks the silence is the smooth whirring of the shuttle’s engine and the wind whistling against the hull. He sits pensively with his chin resting on his fist, looking out the window. His black form is a stark contrast to the cream colored interior of the shuttle.

 

Rey looks at Jeff, who gives her a warm smile.

 

An eternity passes before they arrive back at the hotel. The lobby is fairly busy when they return, and apart from a couple of crisp nods the Governor stalks down its length avoiding any further interactions - which is a good thing. At least he won’t be terrifying any of the hotel staff.

 

“I doubt his mood will get any better for that dinner tonight,” she comments when she senses Jeff walk up to her.

 

“It has been a rough couple of days at the Senate for him.”

 

“Don’t tell me you actually feel sorry for him?” She glances at the man next to her, who might be coming out as being polite, but Rey can feel he doesn’t particularly like his boss. “He threatened to fire you just a few hours ago.”

 

“It’s not the first time.” He shrugs.

 

Rey shakes her head. “Maybe it would be better if we skipped that dinner altogether. We wouldn’t want some war breaking out in this galaxy just because his steak was too raw.”

 

Jeff lets out a hearty laugh that even has her smiling back. They come to a stop in front of a turbolift. She only has about an hour to rest and freshen up before she and the Governor depart for that infamous dinner.

 

“The dinner is important, and you can’t talk your way out of it.”

 

“I am doing no such thing!” She is actually in the process of trying, but he doesn’t need to know about that. Jeff is still smiling warmly at her, green eyes sparkling as he looks at her with fondness.

 

“I wouldn’t put it past you.” He leans in lightly. “You’re not as innocent as you seem.”

 

Rey finds herself smiling back as she steps inside the lift, despite his strange comment. She really wishes Jeff could join them at this event. Part of her is dreading being on a one to one basis with the Governor. The doors hiss shut, and the turbolift begins its ascent when Rey catches a black reflection on the metal surface of the walls. Her hand flies to her chest as she turns around to look at the other occupant, standing rigidly with his gloved hands clasped in front of him.

 

_ Shit. _

 

He must have overheard their discussion. How could she have missed his presence again? Jeff is turning out to be a major distraction.

 

“You startled me. I didn’t see you.”

 

The Governor smirks lightly, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Of course you didn’t,” he drawls.

 

 He tears his gaze from her and looks straight ahead. A couple of moments pass in tense silence, and Rey feels like she has to somehow break this iceberg forming between the two of them. She’ll be spending most of her waking hours next to this man, after all.

 

“Jeff has been very helpful.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

Rey finds the Governor sounding a bit off, but figures it probably has to do with that Senate voting earlier and decides not to give it much thought.

 

“He has a lot of knowledge on galactic history, and a keen sense in politics. He seems very capable.”

 

“ _ Really _ ?”

 

Rey gives the Governor a side eye. Yes, he is in a much worse mood than she initially thought. The kind that simmers dangerously for hours before it boils over and brings absolute havoc to all its surroundings. She is starting to second guess her decision to stay.

 

“Yes. Capable. I think you’re lucky to have him on your staff.”

 

The Governor chuckles darkly at that, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What else do you have to say about Mr. Hudson? Better say it now that you’re on a roll. You seem very fond of him.”

 

She bristles at that. Something to do with the timbre of his voice that she can’t quite place.

 

‘Well. In a way. He seems like a good friend.”

 

He arches his brows at that, almost incredulous. “ _ A friend? _ Is that how you think of him?”

 

Rey is starting to feel rather uncomfortable, like the temperature in the turbolift is rising. She raises her hand to touch her heated forehead. This turbolift is taking ages to get to their floor.

 

“Why do I get the feeling I am going through some kind of an interrogation by you? Jeff is a friend. I don’t know what you’re implying.”

 

“I am not implying anything. But I believe your  _ friend _ is.”

 

“You’re not making any sense.” He really isn’t. Rey turns to look at him, to figure out where he is taking this - because she can never be too careful around this man.

 

His eyes are already on her.

 

“He gets a smile, while I get a slap on the face?”

 

That dark gaze of his is does its job marvelously, because Rey stands there gaping at him once again with nothing to say.

 

He drags his eyes from her just as the turbolift comes to a stop at their floor, and the doors open with a hiss.  “Think about it,” he says over his shoulder, and steps into the corridor.

 

His heavy pace is muffled on the carpeted floor and Rey remains frozen, watching his broad frame walk away with that stygian cloak of his flaring like a night bird’s wings.

 

A teenage boy with raven hair is looking at her scrunched, appalled face as they watch a humongous reptile devour its meal from afar.  _ “It’s no different than a bird catching a fly. Think about it.” _

 

The doors start to close in on her.

 

“Wait!”

 

She squeezes herself through the hissing doors and rushes down the corridor. He doesn’t slow down, but Rey catches up with him easily. She grasps his arm, fingertips digging into the muscle underneath.

 

“Ben, wait!”

 

He halts. And stares at her hand.

 

“What you said to me was horrible. And you weren’t even sorry!” Rey can’t believe he is comparing his words to Jeff’s. “It’s not the same. He has been nothing but respectful towards me.”

 

He raises his gaze to her, and Rey swears to the heavens that she has never seen him look at her this way before.

 

“ _ Respectful _ ?” He shakes his head lightly. “You have much to learn.”

 

“You are in no position to teach…”

 

“I’m in a position to know.”

 

“Then you are wrong about him. He…”

 

“ _ Don’t _ .”

 

Rey pulls her hand away as if she’s been singed.  She realizes that the look he’s giving her is full of bitterness and disappointment, and a million other emotions that have no names.

 

The Governor backs away, clenching his jaw. “Your affairs with Jeff Hudson are not my concern. You are free to do as you wish.”

 

Rey watches him turn and resume his heavy walk, feeling as if he’s robbing her of air.

 

“We are leaving in an hour,” he states over his shoulder. “Be ready.”

 

His steps disappear down the corridor, and Rey takes in a shuddering breath. No matter what she says or does it always comes out wrong. She doesn’t understand. And has never,  _ ever _ felt so completely and utterly…

 

_ Lost. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love twisting and weaving canon elements into their moments together ; ) Next chapter Ben has a couple of surprises for Rey. But she's a good sport. Right?


	7. Afraid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how well Ben knows her. Who's expecting a dress?

“Where do you think you’re going dressed like that?”

 

Rey is standing in the middle of the Governor’s lounge at precisely the time he has demanded of her, trying really hard not to comment on the disdainful gaze raking down her body. They are already on rocky grounds as it is.

 

He is standing in the middle of his exorbitant suite, dressed formally in midnight blue with a white collar shirt and blood red tie. Rey has not seen anything but black and purple on him all these days, and seeing actual color makes her barely recognize him.

 

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

 

Rey looks down at her clothes, wondering if there is a rip on them, or some kind of abhorrent stain on her arm wraps that she’s missed. She’s wearing a clean white tunic with a high collar grey jacket - because that’s the most presentable of her outfits, even though it has definitely seen better days. Her hair is freshly washed, and her nails are clean and her boots no longer have mud on them. There’s no reason for him to be glaring at her like that.

 

“You look as if you just crawled out of the Lower Levels of Coruscant.”

 

“That’s absurd. My clothes are fine.”

 

“I beg to differ.”

 

“You can differ all you want. This is what I’m wearing today.”

 

His nostrils flare, and a glossy strand falls from his perfectly combed hair, an unmistakable sign that he has already been running his hand through his hair.

 

“Mustafar will freeze over before you stand next to me in a formal dinner with the Galaxy’s most powerful leaders, dressed in clothes that seem ready to fall apart at the slightest tug,” he declares exasperated.

 

“Well, I don’t have anything else to wear.”

 

“There is a presentable outfit for you hanging in my rooms as we speak. You will go in there and  _ change _ .”

 

“I am not changing into some ridiculous dress just because I’m escorting you to a dinner. I won’t be able to move in it if something bad happens!”

 

His cheeks are starting to flush, and Rey thinks a little color on his face actually looks good on him.

 

“Is it really so hard for you to cooperate with anything I say?”

 

She wants to sigh. She’s not the only one being difficult around here.

 

“I have done everything you have asked of me so far, and you are still not satisfied. I really don’t believe a piece of clothing will make any difference.”

 

His jaw clenches and he bites his bottom lip. Rey stares at it, afraid it’ll start bleeding from the cut she gave him yesterday. Especially if he starts to chew on it in frustration like she’s seen him do a few times.

 

And then she steps away mortified.

 

Because nothing, _ nothing _ goes unnoticed with this man. She feels her own color drain from her face at the  _ look _ he gives her, and she turns around immediately to hide from him. How could she have been so stupid? Repeating the same mistake as yesterday. He’ll use it against her on the first chance he gets, when her defenses are down, and he’s bitter over someone preparing the wrong kettle of tea for him - and tear her to kriffing  _ pieces _ .

 

Rey wants to run for the hills.

 

“I’ll wear whatever you guys want,” she’s on the verge of panic and tries really,  _ really _ hard not to show it. “Let’s just get this over with.”

 

“Hey…” Jeff says to her as he rushes by her side. “They’re only clothes.” He leans in, trying to catch her eye. “You’ll change back to your own stuff when all this is over.”

 

Rey nods, hanging on to his words as if he is a lifeline.

 

She hears the rustle of fabric, and the Governor goes to stand by his window, looking as cryptic as ever. The only sign of aggravation is the leather of his gloves creaking in his tight grasp.

 

 “Get her ready,” he snaps at a woman dressed in an outrageously fashionable dress standing by a sofa, “We are already running late.”

 

Rey is shuffled inside the Governor’s room.

 

 An outfit is hanging outside a closet, like he had said, and Rey nearly sighs in relief. It is very close in color to the Governor’s clothes, but very similar to what she wears. She thanks every single star in this galaxy it is  _ not _ a dress.

 

She is squeezed into the soft, tight fabric by the woman, fidgeting as it clings to her body like a second skin. Some kind of shimmering fabric is draped over her and tied to her waist with a glistening black belt. Rey glances down at what little cleavage is showing and feels her whole skin crawl.

 

It’s not exactly modest.

 

Her feet are shoved into black polished boots, with heels which she immediately considers snapping off. But then realizes that they’re really not that high, and the boots are actually kind of comfortable.

 

She scans the Governor’s room as the woman applies a sticky substance to her lips and powders her face.

 

His bed has not been touched. But she can see his robes have been left carelessly on top of a chair. There is a fresher to the side of the room, and that musky scent that always drifts from him seems to come from there. She figures it must be some cleansing product. Or… _ cologne _ .

 

She notices a towel on the edge of the bed and quickly looks away with a blush. Suddenly she feels very uncomfortable. These are his personal quarters, and she is most definitely prying.

 

Rey has been distracted long enough that she hasn’t noticed the woman redoing her hair. She glances at the mirror, dreading what she will come across, but is instantly relaxed when she sees her customary three buns. Only fuller. More elegant.

 

Rey stares at her reflection.

 

It’s still  _ her _ looking back and not some freak of fashion. The main difference is that she is dressed in formal dark blue instead of her usual white and beige hues. It’s not a color she is fond of - but it could have been worse. And the pinkish glossy substance on her lips tastes like berries, which isn’t bad.

 

The woman tuts at her as she tries to have another lick.

 

Rey gets off the chair and strides to a mirror, balancing herself carefully on her new boots. She really hopes that a heel doesn’t get snatched in a rug and she ends up flat on her face.

 

“Won’t you look at that,” the woman exclaims happily. “I never thought we’d turn that fiery little creature into something presentable.”

 

Rey snorts and gazes at her reflection with a frown. Something is off.

 

Without a second thought she snatches the sleeves from their seam and tears each one off. The ripping resounds in the room, and the woman blanches.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?” She shrieks, appalled.

 

But Rey ignores her and fervently continues to tear each sleeve into smaller strands, struggling to gain some part of herself back. She wraps them around her forearms until they feel snug enough not to slip off. The fabric is too silky.

 

There’s a hurried knock at the doors, and the woman rushes to open them wide, complaining in a language that Rey doesn’t understand. Kaydel is standing there, clutching at a beeping comlink and typing furiously on her datapad - all the while trying to calm the indignant stylist.

 

Rey strolls past them.

 

Jeff gives her a beaming smile and she smirks back, but it’s not his approval that she is searching for either.

 

She comes to stand before the Governor and his window.

 

Night has fallen. The glittering city is hard to distinguish from the clear night sky and its infinite stars. The man is looking at her as if he governs them all. His cheeks are still heated, and those eyes of his are as dark as the night behind him.

 

Rey realizes she can’t breathe.

 

Probably because these clothes are too damned stiff. She stares up at the Governor with a roll of her shoulders. “I’m ready to go.”

 

“It took you long enough,” he states in an odd voice.

 

“We would have been on our way by now, if you weren’t so adamant about me changing outfits.”

 

The Governor’s gaze falls on her cleavage. Her cheeks are starting to heat, and she wishes she had some kind of a cowl to use and cover herself. But his gaze doesn’t linger. To her surprise, it sweeps over her bare shoulders and the sleeves which have been turned into arm wraps, and Rey braces herself for a comment that will surely sting. He barely moves, and Rey can already feel the room closing in on her.

 

“You look beautiful.” He says, sliding his eyes to hers.

 

Rey blinks at him.

 

She must have heard wrong. Or he must have meant something else. There is no way…

 

The Governor parts his lips to say something more, but seems to reconsider. His face darkens, and suddenly he doesn’t seem so sure anymore.

 

Rich blue fabric, and a golden clasp holding an evening cloak fills her vision as he leans in. “Stay close to me…” He mutters.

 

_ “Stay close to me…There are vipers in these forests, and I don’t want you getting bit by one.” _

 

Rey shakes the memory away. The image of the teenage boy looking over his shoulder, as he parts tree branches for her to follow, is as vivid as the man before her.

 

He brushes by her.

 

And Rey glances at his back feeling a little puzzled.

 

There is a crowd waiting when their shuttle reaches the last floor of one of the tallest buildings in Hosnian Prime, and Rey stares out her window at the glamorous entrance of the high-class restaurant and the multiple flashlights flickering from the gathered reporters.

 

“What is this?”

 

“This,” the Governor rumbles from his seat, “…is called  _ salvaging _ .”

 

She snaps her attention to him. He is looking at the crowd as if he’s orchestrated the whole thing.

 

“They are here for you,” he concedes. “Luke’s academy of Jedi is not common knowledge. He’s been very secretive about it. So, you can imagine everyone’s curiosity and awe at the appearance of one next to me in the Senate.”

 

Rey is starting to have a bad feeling about this.

 

“What have you told them?”

 

“The truth.”

 

“That doesn’t sound like much salvaging in your world of politics. Does Luke know?”

 

It takes a moment for him to answer, and Rey senses the trepidation.

 

“He doesn’t need to.”

 

The door opens, and the Governor stands before she is able to protest. He gets off with practiced ease and offers his gloved hand for her to take. Rey hesitates at his expectant face and the lights trained on him. They carve shadows on his face and deepen his already dark gaze, and Rey can’t help but look at him with a feeling akin to wonder.

 

He looks... _ alluring. _

 

She sets her hand in his, feeling a little numb. He helps her out, and the crowd comes alive.

 

There are flashes of light, and shouts and questions filling the air. The security is struggling to keep the narrow corridor from being overrun by the crowd as people push and shove trying to come closer. Rey swirls her head around, bewildered at the sight.

 

_ This is crazy. _

 

“Don’t be afraid.” He suddenly rumbles in her ear. 

 

Rey turns in the direction of his voice out of instinct. He is so close to her that she can smell the musk of his aftershave and feel his breath on her temple. Her eyes ache from all the lights, and her ears are starting to buzz. It’s as if her senses are betraying her.

 

The Governor lets go of her hand and moves ahead. She watches him walk, unable to take a single step herself.

 

There’s a bombardment of questions aimed his way as the tidal wave of reporters swarms around him. She can hear the Governor saying  _ no comment _ to a few extended microspeakers before he turns around, searching for her. She can see his eyes widen, and his lips forming her name in alarm before he disappears completely from sight.

 

And just like that she is cut off.

 

Rey hasn’t felt fear in years. Not since her early childhood, when she would scavenge whatever she could find useful in the fallen wreckage of Star Destroyers scattered in the dunes of sand on Jakku. She had, on numerous occasions, been beaten and robbed of her findings by other scavengers, and had often wondered if she would live to see another day.

 

But the peaceful, quiet years she has spent in Luke’s academy studying the ways of the Force and going on discreet missions with her Master and fellow students have dwindled the emotion of fear to a distant memory.

 

But not anymore. Now she is very much afraid. Because she has lost sight of  _ him _ . And it could turn out to be fatal.

 

Rey hasn’t forgotten the thought that she caught yesterday at the assembly.

 

She raises her hand.

 

Numerous people are shoved to the side, and a path is cleared in front of her leading all the way to a startled Governor. She quickly covers the distance between them in a few long strides, intent on giving him a piece of her mind about his  _ salvagin _ g plan and its complete failure, but before she knows it his arm is grasping her waist and pulling her towards him.

 

She blinks up at him, surprised at the close contact.

 

“I told you to stay close to me!”

 

She opens her mouth to say something back, but he has already turned his attention to security, roaring for them to clear the way. His arm remains tightly wrapped around her.

 

Lights are still flickering, and microspeakers are shoved in their faces, and a million questions are shouted at them - but they are dragged away by security, and soon enough they stumble through the entrance of the restaurant.

 

They are both panting, and Rey is very much aware of his broad chest heaving under the palm of her hand. She is, in fact, aware of a lot of things about him that she has never noticed until now. Like how large he is in comparison to her, and how solid and warm his body feels as she is pressed against him, and how strange and disorienting all these things are.

 

His eyes are trained on her, and Rey notices him saying something to her. But her senses are all over the place and she doesn’t understand a thing.

 

“Are you all right?” He seems to repeat himself, and his grasp loosens from around her waist.

 

She nods, because she doesn’t trust her voice quite yet.

 

“If I had known my Jedi would bring me so much trouble,” he says, “I would have never bothered asking Luke for protection to begin with.”

 

And Rey suddenly remembers why she had been so mad with him.

 

“You should have warned me about this,” she snaps, and he glances at her - a little taken aback. His hand falls from her side completely, and she hates how alone she suddenly feels. “You have exposed Luke and his students, and exploited my trust in you just so that you could save your public image. Not to mention the danger you have put yourself in so that…”

 

“You are being overdramatic.”

 

He is looking at her rather amused, and it only angers her more.

 

“No, I’m not! You should have asked me - or at least informed me about this whole charade! How am I supposed to help you if you don’t trust me with your plans? Yes, I might be young for a Jedi. And you, obviously, would rather not have me around. But you are in danger,  _ Ben _ . You have barely been trained in the Force and Luke has trusted me with your  _ life _ .”

 

Rey pauses for breath, glancing at those unfathomable eyes. The smile has fallen from his lips, and his features are very somber. She has got to somehow make him understand the importance of her words. Otherwise this constant antagonism between them will never cease, and she is getting tired of it. So tired.

 

“I am not part of your staff,” she continues, a little dejectedly under his heavy gaze. “You do not need to buy my services or loyalty, and I have no need of your money. I am simply here to protect you. Why is it so hard for you to accept that?”

 

She stares at him - waiting for some kind of an acknowledgment. Some sign that she has gotten through to him. Because this constant battling is wearing her out.

 

But he only stares at her.

 

And she wants to give up.

 

“You’re right,” he says suddenly, his deep voice rumbling in the small space between them.

 

_ Did he just… _

 

“What did you say?”

 

Rey almost wishes she still had her hand on his chest, to feel the vibration and verify that he spoke. And that thought alone, for some reason, makes her feel very strange. She must be losing her mind.

 

He leans in slightly. “I said you’re right,” he repeats himself. “From now  on, you'll be better informed. I promise you.”

 

The teenage boy stands before her, with his black hair being ruffled by the wind. He is holding a backpack with his belongings, and looking at her with red-rimmed eyes.

 

_ “I’ll come back and see you again sweetheart. I promise you.” _

 

But the boy never did. He never returned to the academy again. And Rey never stopped waiting. Or hoping.

 

Something inside her has broken since then.

 

“Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep,” she says.

 

Ben flinches at her words. His eyes roam her face, and Rey sees the understanding flicker inside them. He steps back, and it’s not the boy Rey sees anymore but the Governor. And he has already wrapped himself in steel.

 

“We’re late,” he states, averting his eyes and tugging on the hems of his sleeves. “We should go in.”

 

Rey’s throat clenches, and she comes to his side feeling like her limbs are made of stone. She keeps putting too much faith in him. After all these years she still hopes for more than he is willing to give.

 

But then he sets that warm hand on the small of her back and something inside her bursts into a flutter.

 

And Rey feels suddenly very much afraid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little treat for you in the next chapter ; )  
> PS: And, no, it's not what you guys think! Seriously. As if I'd make things this easy.


	8. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know how to prepare you guys for this. Um. Yeah...

She looks exquisite.

 

And the only thing she is wearing is a roughly put together ensemble that is similar to her own clothes. Ben is terrified to see what she would have looked like draped in a formal gown like most of the ladies at this dinner. Part of him regrets not having given her the dress that now hangs useless in his closet. But he already knows that no pearls or silks could ever do this woman justice. Because her beauty is as radiant as the sun. And has no need of earthly trinkets to chain her down.

 

But he has pushed her too far. And she has lashed back.

 

She is sitting quietly next to him, bright hazel eyes scanning the faces around them and caressing their minds. His most decadent part wishes he could feel that touch brush against his own. Warm and soft and vibrant. But it is one of the many things he has forbidden her to do. And for good reason.

 

Perhaps it would be best for things to remain that way.

 

He lifts his glass to his lips to taste the fragrant ruby wine. It is his second glass. Maybe third. But she has barely touched her own. Just one sip, with those pink lips wrapping around the rim of her glass.

 

Ben had to look away at that.

 

“Which fork do I use this time?” Her whisper drags him out of his filthy thoughts, thankfully, and he feels her bare shoulder touch the stiff fabric of his formal jacket as she leans towards him. He recognizes the fragrant soap the hotel provides that she seems so fond of, and then her hazel eyes slide his way expectantly. He sets his glass down without looking at her.

 

“We don’t use a fork for cream dessert. We use a _ spoon _ .” He says, hovering the utensil lightly over the white tablecloth for her to grasp without anyone else noticing. Just like he’s done for her throughout this whole torturous dinner.

 

“Ah. Right.” She whispers back.

 

Her spoon hesitates over the small porcelain plate, and she picks at a sugared cherry with her slim fingers.

 

“Do we eat this?” She whispers.

 

Ben uses the napkin cloth to discreetly hide his smirk, because he doesn’t believe he can go through another serving of food with her. “ _ Yes _ ,” he hisses, and she scrunches her nose at him.

 

She studies the red cherry for two of his heartbeats before plopping it in her mouth.

 

Ben shuts his eyes.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

He knows he’s not the only one who has noticed on the table. The Prime Minister of Corellia, amongst a few others, is literally undressing her with his beady eyes.

 

Ben leans in to whisper in her ear for what might be the tenth time in this endless dinner. “Don’t use your fingers. How many times must I say this to you? Use the  _ spoon. _ ”

 

“But it’s so much easier to just use my fingers.” Ben catches her darting a lick at the tip of one.

 

Stars, this woman will be the death of him. And hopefully the Prime Minister’s as well.

 

“Quit acting like a savage.”

 

She pouts at his words, and sets the spoon down without touching any of her dessert. Ben can’t help but feel a bit of guilt at that. Just a little. Because he is  _ this _ close to sucking at those fingertips himself. And that would be a bad idea. A really bad idea.

 

Ben believes he is due for a break.

 

He slides his chair out and stands up, tugging on the hem of his jacket. “If you ladies and gentlemen will excuse me,” he states. “I’ll be right back.”

 

A few nods and polite smiles are sent his way, and suddenly a slim hand is gripping his sleeve. Rey is looking at him with wide eyes.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

He darts his eyes around, smiling at a couple of amused glances which are cast their way. He gazes back at Rey, trying to seem as composed as possible. “I am going to the fresher,” he states in a low voice for only her to hear. “It won’t take me long.”

 

“You can’t leave me here by myself,” she grits at him.

 

He knows. He’s seen the leery glances and felt the filthy thoughts as well. But he really needs to get away from her, even for just a few moments, and clear his mind before he does or says anything reckless again.

 

He pulls her hand away gently, and avoids looking at those pleading eyes. “Rey… I’ll be back soon.”

 

Ben strides away as fast as good conduct allows.

 

Once he is out in the large entrance hall, he rakes his hand through his hair and rubs at his face. This night seems to be dragging on forever. He doesn’t know how much more he will be able to endure. And he hasn’t even had the chance to catch up with the Chancellor of Plexus yet about the number of starships their world will be contributing to the Republic Fleet. It is a fairly urgent matter.

 

And Rey had been too distracting.

 

He lets out a long exhale, trying to compose himself, and decides to go to the public fresher after all. He comes across an older couple, who bow their respects to him, and he nods back crisply. He barely avoids bumping into a waiter and his heavy tray. He is just a turn away from the men’s fresher when the sweetest looking Twi’lek crosses paths with him, dressed in a tight, low cleavage dress. She sashays her way towards him, sending him a coy smile, and Ben finds himself inches from grabbing those thighs of hers and pushing her into a closet to take her up against the wall.

 

He slams the door to the fresher open and, thankfully, there isn’t a soul inside. He hits the running water, splashing a good amount of it to his face and wishing his thoughts could go down the drain along with it. He raises his eyes to the mirror, watching the beads of water fall down his face and into the puddle of water in the sink. The dripping sound resonates in the large room.

 

_ I need a good fuck. _

 

Ben realizes. In fact, he needs more than one.

 

He needs a whole seven day binge.

 

Rey is off limits.  _ Of course _ . Strictly and absolutely off limits. Even though he knows. Force help him, he  _ knows _ how easy it would be to get his way into that tight little cunt of hers, if given the time. Jeff, it seems, has already figured out the best way to do it, and he most definitely needs to have a  _ word _ with him.  But when it comes to himself, Rey is most certainly and categorically out of the question.

 

He would ruin her in every sense of the word.

 

And he just. Can’t.  _ Do that _ .

 

“ _ Fuck _ !”

 

He grunts at his reflection.

 

Ben pushes himself off the sink and starts pacing the fresher.

 

He needs to get laid. It’s been a couple of weeks, and both the attempted assassination and the Senate assembly have been very taxing on his already precarious temper. He needs to vent some steam. And he hates to admit it - but he knows exactly where to go.

 

Time passes. Ben doesn’t know how long it’s been, but by the time he does return to dinner he is much better composed and cool-headed.

 

“Ben, you never did tell us where you came across your Jedi. Or how you convinced her to remain at your  _ service _ ?”

 

He glances at the Prime Minister of Corellia, who is taking a sip from his wine, eyeing him shrewdly. No, Ben has not missed the innuendo behind the older man’s words. He smiles politely, but coldly, back as he takes his seat. He glances quickly at Rey, who has her hands curled into fists on her lap.

 

He shouldn’t have been gone for so long.

 

“I admit,” Ben smirks, settling in his chair. “I have taken advantage of my connections. Luke Skywalker is my uncle, after all.” He pauses and fixes his gaze on the Prime Minister. “If, however, you are willing to sign the Western Regions trading routes over to Coruscant, then perhaps I could put in a good word about you, Frederick, and help you get a Jedi of your own.”

 

There’s a few chuckles around the table, and he can feel Rey’s eyes on him. Ben tries really hard not to look back.

 

“Would one be worth the price? I would hate to give up such an important sector without being well compensated.”

 

“Now, now Frederick…” his wife sets her hand on his forearm, sensing the escalating hostility.

 

“I’d say it’s the other way around,” Ben says with a curl of his lips. He hates where this is leading. But he doesn’t want any more serious attention on Rey or the Jedi. It would be best to keep this at a light banter. He arches his brow. “You should be asking yourself if what you are giving up is enough for their valuable  _ services _ . Their loyalty is a fickle thing.”

 

There’s a burst of laughter at that, which Ben hopes is enough to lead the conversation elsewhere. The President of Chandrila is gracious enough to intervene and comment on the latest developments in the Outer Rim, and Ben would sigh in relief under different circumstances. His mother did always respect the man - and for good reason.

 

But alas, his intervention is not sufficient.

 

 “And how about you, darling,” a melodious, groveled voice chimes in. Ben purses his lips, fingering the stem of his glass. He was really hoping  _ she _ would choose not to comment. The High Ruler of Arkanis has her attention on Rey. “How does it feel watching over one of the galaxy’s most powerful men? It must be a tedious task. Ben can be very difficult. I don’t know how you put up with him!” The woman smiles behind a thin stream of smoke coming from her cigarette.

 

Ben shifts in his chair, feeling uncomfortable.

 

He darts a glance at Rey, intent on making some kind of comment that can take the attention off her again. He can sense the tension humming around her like a halo. He is about to say something when her clear voice rings around the table.

 

“I’m here to find out who is behind the attempt on his life. Perhaps you could help me.”

 

The light chatter quiets at once, and everyone turns to look at her. Rey is sitting with that slim body of hers rod straight, and her head held high on an elegant neck. But she seems anything but delicate and weak.

 

The woman chuckles, averting her eyes. “Such fire! It is such a relief to have the Jedi Order guarding the galaxy once again, isn’t it? Ben, you must bring her to more events. She seems to be quite a delight.”

 

Rey’s clear gaze is still trained on the woman, studying her every move without taking a single breath herself. Probably ruffling at her thoughts already.

 

Ben bites his lip. He’s not particularly happy about what she’ll find.

 

The woman pushes her chair back. “Well, this has been a lovely evening with you all, but I must leave you now. Some matters to attend to. Rey, it has been a pleasure.” They all rise to give her their goodbyes as she goes around the table, kissing and smiling charmingly at everyone, her black formal dress ruffling against the floor.

 

Ben leans to kiss her cheek politely when he feels her whisper in his ear. “You should bring this delightful creature along with you, later,” she says, sliding her hand up his chest.” We are in desperate need of a new pet.” She smiles as she pulls away.

 

Ben nods crisply, avoiding saying a word. When he sits back down, Rey is looking at him with the stoniest of expressions etched on her beautiful face.

 

He picks up his glass and takes a long sip, pretending he hasn’t noticed. The wife of the President of Chandrila asks Rey a polite question, and Ben wants to thank the stars for the woman’s intuition. He decides to turn his attention finally to the Chancellor of Plexus.

 

They, too, depart not long after.

 

It is a pleasant temperature outside, despite the fact that it’s almost midnight. But he can see the light shivers going down Rey’s body as they stand at the landing area of the restaurant awaiting their shuttle. The reporters are gone and the crowd had dispersed, and Ben is allowing himself to enjoy the silence of the evening.

 

“You should have told me she was your fiancée. I had no idea who this woman was.”

 

_ Or not _ .

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“That woman in the black dress and red lips and the…” she gestures with her hands,”…the smoking  _ thing.  _ You should have told me she would be at the dinner.”

 

_ Shit. _

 

Ben shuts his eyes in the dark, hoping she’s not aware of his reaction. He wants the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

 

“That’s not my fiancée,” he states.

 

“Then who is she? She seemed to be very intimate with you and…” she stops cold at that and Ben can practically feel the moment of realization settling in. “Oh…”

 

_ Right. _

 

“She is a _ friend _ .” He admonishes, because he wouldn’t miss the chance to grind that in. “And she is not your concern.”

 

Her breath hitches, and there is a slight feeling of satisfaction at having bested her. But it’s almost infinitesimal. Mostly he feels like the asshole he is.

 

She doesn’t say anything back, just looks away.

 

Another shiver runs down her spine, and Ben presses his lips together. He should have arranged for some kind of a cloak or cowl for her to wear, but everything had been done in such haste that it hadn’t even crossed his mind. The stylist should have at least considered it - but it no longer matters. The woman won’t be working for him anymore. He’ll make sure of  _ that _ .

 

Ben unclasps his cloak, approaches Rey carefully, and drapes it over her slim shoulders. She swivels around, surprised.

 

“I really don’t need this. The shuttle will be here any moment,” she reaches for the heavy fabric, but he stops her by grasping her arms lightly.

 

“You’re shivering,” he says, securing the clasp so the cloak won’t slip off. She is so slender that she seems to drown in it. “The last thing we need is you catching your death.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve been through much worse temperatures with…”

 

“Rey.”

 

“… Luke when we had gone to Kijimi to…”

 

“ _ Rey. _ ”

 

She stops.

 

“Just wear my cloak. It won’t kill you.”

 

Her eyes look so big the way she stares at him, and they shine under the city’s lights. Almost as if they’re made of crystal. Ben lets his hands linger on the clasp over her neck just a bit longer than he should. Just a heartbeat.

 

Or two.

 

“I don’t need your help.” She says suddenly.

 

“It’s just a cloak.”

 

“I’m talking about the discussion back at the restaurant,” she snaps. “You don’t need to speak on my behalf.  Your world is much more corrupt than I originally thought, and I don’t like the games you play. The Jedi are not your pawns.”

 

His hands drop. Because, of course, she wouldn’t accept one semi-decent gesture coming from him.

 

“Everybody is a pawn when it comes to power,” he states icily. “You’ve been locked out of the real world for far too long philosophizing and meditating on your precious Force.” He leans in, starving to get that reaction from her that he so craves. And it works - because he senses her unease and chases after it like the predator he has become. “You wouldn’t survive a single day in mine with that pretty head of yours filled with the romantic ideals of your Order. You don’t know what it’s like. So don’t judge me.”

 

Rey is staring at him with little short heaves coming from her chest, and pink cheeks visible even in the darkness of night. He licks his lips. She steps away. And she reaches for the clasp again with trembling fingertips.

 

“Don’t you  _ dare _ take that off.”

 

“I don’t want it!”

 

“You’re not taking it off! What are you trying to prove?”

 

“I’m not your plaything! I’m not someone you can dress up and parade for all to see. And I am most definitely not your  _ pet!” _

 

His heart stops.

 

His hands cup her fingers before he can stop himself. And he doesn’t understand what’s gotten a hold of him. All he knows is that he is being a jerk, and she has overheard something she most definitely shouldn’t have.

 

“I know, Rey! I  _ know _ you’re not. And I don’t want you to be.”

 

She freezes and looks up at him with those eyes, and he sees his whole world teetering on the edge of a cliff. He pulls her fingers away from the clasp. They feel so cold in his hands.

 

“But what you said to her…”

 

“It doesn’t matter what I said to her. I was trying to get her off my back.”

 

“So you won’t be joining her later?”

 

Ben hesitates.

 

_ Yes.  _ He wants to say. He needs to get his mind off of those clear hazel eyes staring at him. He needs to  _ fuck _ and get that pent up rage out of his system or, Force help him, he won’t be responsible for any of his actions around this woman before him.

 

He shuts his eyes in the shadows. It’s really none of her business. All he has to do is drop her off at the hotel and go on his merry way. It’s that  _ simple _ .

 

“Ben?”

 

“No.”

 

He is such a bloody idiot.

 

“I won’t be joining her. I’ve had a difficult day and I’m tired.”

 

He will regret this till the end of his days. Ben just knows it. He lets go of her hands and takes a step back. Looking any place else than that expression of relief on her beautiful face.

 

He hates himself. And wants to take those words right back. But then their shuttle pulls up, she is still wearing his cloak, and he can swear that’s a smile on her face. Rey climbs onboard and Ben rakes his hand through his hair.

 

_ What have I done? _

 

He cannot  _ believe _ what he’s just done.

 

Ben clenches his jaw and glares at the stars. Because he knows exactly what he’s done. He’s given her too much power over him - and it needs to stop.

 

He follows her inside the shuttle and settles broodily in his seat while Rey looks out her window wrapped warmly in his cloak. Ben vows that he will not allow this to happen ever again.

 

No more guilt.

 

He promises it to himself as he orders the driver to take them back to the hotel.

 

No more hesitations.

 

Rey’s soulful eyes catch his in the shadows of the shuttle. And something clenches painfully inside him. Ben looks out his own window.

 

_ No more compassion _ .

 

Because he simply  _ cannot _ let her in any more than he already has.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've been asking for Ben's point of view and I just couldn't resist! I can't thank you all enough for your wonderful reviews! You all are so inspiring!  
> Next chapter we have a confrontation with some painful digging of the past. Let's start shedding some light on it, shall we? As for the fiancee? All in due time my dears.


	9. Phantoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wise woman once said that hope is like the sun. If you believe in it only when you see it you will never make it through the night.

It is a restless night.

 

Rey tosses and turns, falling in and out of sleep with images of leery gazes and sly smiles, cigarettes and glasses full of ruby wine. There are blinding lights and black gloves, warm hands and fingers running up a man’s chest. And amongst them all - a deep voice that breathes and whispers in her ear, telling her not to be afraid.

 

She wakes up startled at the crack of dawn, with her shirt drenched in sweat and her heart beating like that of a fleeing animals. She fumbles for that midnight cloak draped over her shoulders with a mind hazy from sleep. But it’s not there. And neither are those consuming eyes and pale face that have kept her under their wing throughout her dark sleep.

 

The man is gone. And has left behind only a lingering scent of musk.

 

She remains huddled in her bed until the morning light chases the last shadow away from her room.

 

It is the last night spent on Hosnian Prime. Kaydel has already given her the schedule for the next week. And it’s loaded.  

 

Rey spends an unreasonable amount of time in the shower, with her aching head leaning against the cool tile, allowing the water to wash away the previous night from under her skin. But when she steps out, she feels anything but rejuvenated. She gathers her things reluctantly and decides to head to the hotel’s restaurant for breakfast. In all her days, there hasn’t been one time where getting food in her stomach hasn’t helped her feel better. Even just a bit.

 

Jeff is already there, sitting at a small table by one of the large windows of the hotel’s breakfast room, munching on a bagel and tapping on a datapad. Rey slides in with her tray filled to the brim with little things like fruits, cakes and eggs, a glass of blue milk and even a cup of caf. She figures this should all be enough for the day in case they don’t get to have another meal.

 

Jeff raises an eyebrow at her curiously. “Are you planning on eating all that?”

 

Rey opens a can of yogurt and dumps a spoonful of honey in it. And a half more. And then looks at him as if he’s sprouted a second head. “ _ Yeah _ .”

 

Jeff smiles, and Rey digs in. It’s not until she’s half way through the tray that she decides she feels somewhat better, and proceeds to ask him what has been stuck on her mind since the wee hours of the morning.

 

“Do you think you could help me look up some information?”

 

“Concerning…?”

 

“Some people I got to meet yesterday,” she answers through a mouthful of cereal. “I’d like to look into their files.”

 

Jeff hesitates, setting down his cup of caf. “I might have to run this by the Governor. Some might be too private.”

 

“You said I had access to everything I needed to see.”

 

“Yes, but…”

 

“The Governor has other things in mind. He doesn’t need to know.”

 

Jeff hesitates and fiddles with his fork. Rey might or might not be using the Force to nudge him into compliance. He probably would have relented anyway in the end. Why waste any time?

 

“Who do you want to check out?”

 

Rey sends him a bright smile. “The Prime Minister of Corellia, the President of Plexus and…”  _ Most definitely _ . “…the High Ruler of Arkanis.”

 

Jeff shakes his head, smiling back. “I guess I could arrange that. For a price.”

 

Rey furrows her brow. “What price?”

 

He leans in, crossing his forearms on the table.

 

“I get to take you on a tour of Canto Bight. It’s our next destination. There has been a change of plans.”

 

Rey halts with her spoon in midair and looks at him. That’s a strange offer. She figured he would have asked for something along the lines of teaching him a few saber moves or Jedi forms. But she’s heard weirder things.

 

Rey shrugs. She figures there’s no harm in that.

 

“It’s a deal.” She sets down her spoon and extends her hand for a shake.  But she is surprised to see Jeff reaching out to wipe at some crumbs on the side of her mouth with the pad of his thumb.

 

“It’s a deal.” He says, and for some reason Rey feels rather uncomfortable with his gesture. As if he’s crossed some kind of an invisible line without permission. But, truth is, she likes Jeff. He’s fun to be around and she has a good time with him. There’s no reason for this to bother her so. Rey can’t quite explain it.

 

She pulls away from his touch and looks to the side.

 

And freezes.

 

Because right there, standing by the entrance of the restaurant in deep discussion with Amilyn Holdo is none other than the Governor. And his heavy gaze is already trained on her.

 

Rey feels as if she’s been caught doing something very,  _ very _ wrong.

 

Which doesn’t make any sense, really. She’s just having breakfast with Jeff. Who is his Public Relations manager, and is helping her gather some information she needs for his own security.  Everything is just fine.

 

The Governor tears his dark eyes away to look back at the Minister, and Rey feels as if he’s torn a bit of herself along with him. Because there is certainly some kind of an ache twisting in her guts.

 

She stares at her plate.

 

He looks different. He is no longer dressed in his politician robes, but in civilian clothing. Granted, they still are black and probably very expensive, but there is a simplicity to him and a gruffness that she hasn’t seen until now. It’s probably why she hadn’t noticed him earlier. Who knows how long he had been standing there.

 

She glances back at him.

 

But he walks away, as self-assured and imposing as ever, and Jeff signals at her that it’s time to get moving. The Governor’s ship is probably prepped and ready to go.

 

She quickly complies.

 

The jump to hyperspace is uneventful, and Rey spends her time in the ship’s data, looking up the people at yesterday’s dinner. Hoping to find some kind of a lead.

 

She has barely seen the Governor because he has spent his time buried in his Conference room in discussions and holomeetings. And has not asked of her to join him. Rey doesn’t want to admit how that feels after the time they spent in each other’s company yesterday. It hadn’t been too horrendous, she believes. He hadn’t exactly been cordial towards her either, though. Mostly he chose to ignore her during dinner, and only bothered when she asked for help. But he  _ did _ offer her his cloak later in the evening - which must count for something.

 

_ Even though… _

 

Rey shuts her eyes. And tries really hard to push away the image she had stumbled across in the woman’s mind. It’s none of her business, she tries to convince herself, what he chooses to do in his personal life. No matter how much she might disagree with his decisions. He is engaged after all. But hardly acts like he is. Rey feels frustrated with his infidelity and complete disrespect towards someone he supposedly loves.

 

_ He’s changed so much… _

 

She sighs and rubs her temples. She can’t imagine what has possibly gone so wrong in his life. Rey is starting to doubt if there is anything half decent about him anymore.

 

A loud beep pierces the silence in the room, and Rey nearly jumps off her chair.

 

And glares at her comlink and the message blinking on its screen.

 

“You wanted to see me?”

 

Rey asks as she walks into the Conference room. But quickly snaps her mouth shut - because there is a holoprojection of woman on the table that seems to be talking to the Governor.

 

His eyes fall on Rey and quickly return to the woman. She can’t see the holoprojection very well from where she stands. But notices that the woman has long, dark hair and is dressed in some kind of a traditional formal gown. And has her back turned.

 

“I can’t stay much longer,” he says softly, and his tone of voice settles strangely inside her. “The Jedi has just walked in.”

 

“Contact me before you go to bed. I should be back by then.”

 

“You look stunning. I hope all goes well tonight.”

 

“It would if you were here…”

 

He smiles at that, and Rey feels her heart stop. She hasn’t seen him smile… Not since they were…

 

Rey wants to turn around and  _ leave _ . The feeling that she is invading something private, something that she would much rather not see churns painfully within her. But no. Her feet remain glued to the floor and her eyes fixed on his face.

 

He sends the woman his farewells before shutting off the holoprojection.

 

Rey swallows around a tight throat.

 

“Who… who was that?” Rey feels so stupid all of a sudden, because obviously that woman is…

 

He arches a brow coldly at her and does not answer.

 

The lights are dimmed, and there’s a certain kind of disquietude in the Force. He sits by the table with a datapad in hand and his mug of caf half empty. His jacket is draped over his chair, and his shirt loosened around the neck. Sleeves rolled to the elbows and hair mussed up beyond recognition. It’s the most unkempt and exposed she’s seen him until now. No cloaks or heavy robes. No stiff jackets and gloves. No stylists and managers and assistants and shrewd politicians.

 

Just him.

 

It makes her feel anxious.

 

He sets his cup down, but doesn’t look at her. Instead, he sets his fingers on his temple as if he is contemplating his next words. Rey shifts on her feet. When they parted yesterday he seemed as cold as ever, despite that little moment between them at the restaurant’s landing area earlier in the night. He had been almost caring then, but it seems now that whatever progress they had made has, in fact, evaporated into thin air.

 

“We need to set some ground rules,” he says, getting off his chair. His steps are measured as he approaches, almost wary.

 

“What kind of rules?”

 

He comes to stand before her, but is somehow far away. Even if she wanted to touch him he’d still be out of reach.

 

“Our past doesn’t matter. You are here for my security and that alone. Which means that you will act accordingly.”

 

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

 

“It means,” he takes one step forward and immediately stops. It takes him a moment before he continues. “It  _ means _ that you will not interfere in my personal life or…”

 

“But I haven’t…”

 

“Or state any kind of opinion about my decisions. You will always be at my side, but will not interact with anyone in my immediate surroundings unless…”

 

“But I didn’t…”

 

“ _ Unless _ there is a threat against my life. You will be discreet. Silent. And efficient. Just like anybody else working for me. Am I clear?”

 

“I really don’t see why…”

 

“Am I  _ clear _ ?”

 

His eyes widen just a little, and Rey finds herself staring at him completely dumbfounded.

 

“Ben…”

 

“ _ No _ .”

 

He has taken another step forward. He is towering over her, and Rey can see the dark circles under those sleepless eyes.

 

“Why are you doing this? I don’t understand…” she whispers.

 

“Because you don’t belong in my world. And I should have never dragged you in it. Last night was a mistake.”

 

Rey feels as if the wind has been knocked out of her. A mistake?

 

“Which part was a mistake?”

 

Ben looks to the side. “I will make sure you are provided with a decent wardrobe since you will be accompanying me to a number of worlds and their respective climates. You will be by my side when I’m in need of your services and…”

 

Rey clenches her fists.

 

“I asked you which part was a  _ mistake _ .”

 

“And in your spare time you can…”

 

“ _ Ben _ !”

 

“ _ All of it _ ! All right?” He growls at her. “The whole damned night from the moment you stepped into the elevator to the moment I dropped you off at your room.” His face is inches from hers, and Rey can literally feel the Force pulse around him. He rakes his hand through his hair and steps away with a curse.

 

Rey stares at him as if he’s lost his mind.

 

“What have I done, Ben? For Force’s sake, what have I done to you that you can’t bear to be in my presence?”

 

“You make me  _ remember _ !” He swirls around to face her. “You make me remember times that I wish I could  _ forget _ .”

 

“But I always thought…” She shakes her head, trying to make sense of what he’s saying. “I always thought you liked being in Luke’s academy. I thought you wanted to…”

 

“Exactly!” he snarls. “But there was no other way.”

 

_ “Ben can’t stay in the academy, Leia. He must not be trained in the Force… There is no other way…” _

 

Rey will never forget the look of despair on that boy’s face when Luke Skywalker told him that he had to leave. And the feeling of losing the ground from under her feet has haunted her until today. Ben had been her constant teacher and companion for nearly a year because Rey trusted no one else. Not even Skywalker.

 

Ben had been her  _ world _ .

 

She closes the distance between them. Rey can’t accept that all that’s left of her are painful memories.

 

“Ben, I always wanted what was best for you.”

 

“You should have never told Luke about the dreams.”

 

“I never thought he’d send you away! I was just a child. All I wanted to do is help you. You can’t blame me for that!”

 

His jaw clenches and he looks down at her bitterly. Rey wishes there was a way to turn back time.

 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m so sorry…”

 

“How convenient to say after all these years.”

 

_ Is this how he thinks of me? _

 

All these years that she has spent worrying about him, eavesdropping on conversations just to hear that he is well. The disappointment at hearing of his digression as a character. And now being face to face with it herself.

 

“You resent me,” she says and,  _ oh _ , how the truth of her revelation  _ hurts _ .

 

He leans in. “I don’t  _ care  _ enough to resent you.”

 

His dark eyes study her behind that politician’s face he wears so well. And Rey wants to rip it off and find that teenage body that must surely still be there. Somewhere.

 

“You  _ used _ to.”

 

“It belongs in the past,” he says. “ _ You _ . Belong in the past. There is no place for you in my life anymore. The sooner you understand that, the easier your stay will be.”

 

A broken sound escapes her.

 

Ben is looming over her, and her heart throbs, and he is looking at her with those eyes that burn and nothing,  _ nothing  _ could ever cut as deeply as those words that have just fallen from his lips.

 

Something inside her cracks.

 

“How can you say that?”

 

Now her eyes are starting to sting, and surely tears will start sliding down her cheeks, and Rey hates this because she hasn’t cried in  _ years _ . Not since he went away…

 

_ Damn him. _

 

She turns around to wipe at them because she doesn’t want him to see. She can’t let him _ see _ .

 

And suddenly his hands are grasping her arms, and his body presses against her back. It’s solid and warm and large and makes the world shrink into an insignificant speck. He buries his face in her hair, and Rey feels like her knees will give out on her. But he is holding her tight.

 

_ Ben _ is holding her tight.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said…” He breathes into her hair, and her own breath ceases to exist.

 

_ “You’re not a burden, Rey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said…” _

 

She looks at the phantom of a teenage boy through teary eyes, and doesn’t understand why her constant company would bother him so. She’s quiet and does as he says and doesn’t kick around in her sleep. She doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t want her around.

 

Rey blinks into the dimly lit room. The past seems to intertwine so easily with the present.

 

“But you say those words either way,” she whispers into the empty space.

 

A groan ruffles her hair, and Rey wants to turn around and look at him. _ Really _ look at him. Because she doesn’t know what to believe anymore. He gives her crumbs of affection, only to steal them back the next moment.

 

And she can’t take it anymore.

 

His hands loosen their hold on her, and he hastily steps back. She turns around just as he walks to the room’s window. Hyperspace is running by, whirling and spinning endlessly into infinity. He sets his palm on the surface of the transparisteel and keeps his back to her. Rey stares at the man illuminated by cerulean waves. He looks as if he carries the weight of the world on those hunched shoulders.

 

And she wishes, despite it all, that she could do something to help him with the burden.

 

“Please go,” he says over his shoulder. “I need to be alone.”

 

Rey swallows, willing the last of her tears away. “Forgive me.” She tries to sound cold and detached like he so often does, but fails miserably. “I never meant to hurt you.”

 

There’s a sudden hissing of the doors that makes both of them flinch. Kaydel strides inside uninvited with her datapad in hand. She halts, darting her eyes between the two of them.

 

They must both be quite a sight.

 

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you, sir.” She clutches the datapad to her chest almost like a shield. “We have arrived in Canto Bight. I just thought to inform you.”

 

Ben nods briskly from his window.

 

Rey takes her leave as silently as always.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now could Ben ever really resent her? Poor Rey... she's still trying to figure him out. And yes, the woman in the holoprojection was exactly who you thought.
> 
> Next chapter: Canto Bight ; )


	10. Canto Bight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone ups his game.

Canto Bight is… well, rich.

 

Their ship has landed in a private platform of a luxurious hotel, and will remain there for the next three days while the crew has been given vague instructions to remain in the vicinity. In other words, Jeff and her are on their own, they have been given time off.

 

Ben, or the Governor, she should rather say, is here for entertainment purposes.

 

He was impeccably dressed, as always, when he emerged from his rooms in his customary black colors, and Rey has escorted him down to the lobby and through a casino’s glamorous entrance. She has stood on his side while people have bowed their respects or chatted casually with him. And has even tolerated some of the more coy advances on him without blinking an eye. It is a boisterous, crowded building, this casino they are in, with bright lights and cheering voices, endless tables of games and buffets overflowing with food. It is filled with gamblers and players, and all around extravagantly dressed humanoids and aliens with nothing better to do then waste their credits on gambling, food and Fathier racing.

 

Rey clamps down the part of her that’s revolting to such splurging.

 

But surprisingly Ben,  _ the Governor, _ is behaving rather well.

 

He has taken the time to introduce her to some of the more respectable acquaintances of his, has kept her at his side and not in back of him, and has even gone as far as to look directly at her when he inquired if there is something in particular she’d want to eat or drink.

 

Rey had found herself at a loss of words when it happened. She had only shaken her head and looked away from that powerful gaze.

 

Rey had expected him to be distant and indifferent towards her. The way he always is. Not this. Definitely not _ this _ .

 

_ It can’t be good. _

 

She keeps telling herself. The politeness and consideration. Surely it won’t last long.

 

The Governor has, at last, taken a seat at the bar, his presence casting a gravitational pull to a lot of the casino’s occupants. He seems to be nursing his drink and casually chatting with some guy with greased back black hair and a moustache, wearing a blatant white suit with a red flower on its lapel.

 

Rey stands quietly and discreetly a little further away, under a small alcove, just like he had so  _ clearly _ demanded of her to do earlier at the ship, scanning the crowded room for any sign of danger. All the while stealing quick glances at  _ him. _

 

There's a relaxed smirk playing on his lips throughout the whole evening, even though his eyes seem to be rather melancholy. Rey is starting to pick up on those little creases of his features that give out his very well guarded emotions. It makes her wonder how much their earlier dispute has affected him.

 

Because Rey is unable to look him in the eye without thinking about it.

 

Rey shifts legs. Her new black outfit might be very soft and clean cut, but it's also very uncomfortable and warm. Itchy too. Rey has been on her feet for the past few hours, refusing to eat or drink anything, and it seems like the results of her stubbornness are catching up with her. And the casino’s overcrowded space is not making things easier.

 

The Governor’s eyes catch her shifting once again, and he signals for her to approach.

 

She does so, reluctantly, and hopes her discomfort hasn't been too obvious.

 

"Would you like something to drink?" He says carefully, as she comes to stand next to him. He is sitting on a barstool that brings him close in height to her own. It also gives her a very direct close up of his face under the bright lights of the casino, and Rey finds herself studying every single curve and line on his features. He's grown into them so well, she notices not for the first time, and not much remains of the gangly teenager that she used to follow around. He looks mature, vigorous and … _ manly _ . Rey can't get over how much he has changed.

 

"Rey?"

 

_ Shit. _

 

"Yeah. Um. No. I'm good. I mean…" she sighs, trying to bring down the pattering in her chest. His smirk widens just a bit and his eyes crinkle slightly.

 

She must really amuse him.

 

" _ I mean,  _ I'm not thirsty." She clears her throat before answering back coldly. "Thank you."

 

His eyes remain trained on hers. Studying something that he must have found.

 

Rey looks away.

 

"Be a gentleman and buy your lady a drink," the man in the white suit cuts in as he takes a leisurely drag from his cigar.

 

"She doesn't drink," he comments, eyes still on her.

 

"Nonsense, Benny boy,” he puffs out. “Come here, love. What would you like? If it were up to me, I would have closed down the whole casino just for the company of your pretty eyes."

 

Rey feels her face heat with embarrassment just as the man's hand wraps around her waist. She looks around, almost as if she’s trying to find an emergency exit. The Governor’s smirk widens even more and he looks to the side, taking a large sip from his drink.

 

“You might want to take your paws off my Jedi, Justin,” he says, setting his tumbler down. He sounds amicable enough not to be offensive - but at the same time stern, not allowing any room for misconception.

 

The man arches a brow, impressed. “A bit possessive now, aren’t we? I didn’t think you had it in you.”

 

“Better not found out.”

 

The man laughs at that, and Rey glances curiously at the Governor, who is scanning the crowd with strange apathy, completely at odds with his tone of voice.

 

The man with the red flower turns to Rey, who is staring at the exchange a little bewildered. He takes her hand in his and raises her knuckles to his lips to place a light kiss there.

 

“Enchanted,” he says with some kind of a well-practiced, charming smirk.

 

Rey tries to hide the smile forming on her lips. This Justin guy is too much.

 

He then proceeds to place her hand in the crook of his arm. “Perhaps I could steal you for the evening, and take advantage of your captivating presence. Something tells me you’ll bring me plenty of luck tonight. Shall we?”

 

She glances over at Ben, trying to decipher his reaction. The smile has disappeared from his lips and he is twirling the tumbler in his hand. But he doesn’t seem interested in stopping her.

 

_ Oh, well. _

 

The man gets off his seat with a bit of flourish that makes Rey snort in amusement, and starts cutting expertly through the crowd with her by his side until they reach a crowded table that is hosting a game of dice. He easily finds his place amongst the patrons dressed in their crisp tuxedos and silk gowns.

 

“Don’t leave my side, love,” he says gallantly, handing out the pair of dice and asking her to blow on them. Rey side eyes his outstretched hand but decides to humor him.

 

The game rolls.

 

She glances over at the Governor numerous times in the next hour to verify all is well. He remains seated in his spot while a number of people approach him and strike small conversations. He seems engrossed in his talks and hasn’t caught her gaze once.

 

Rey starts chewing the inside of her cheek.

 

More time passes.

 

Justin is gathering his wins once again when Rey finds the opportunity to look over to where the Governor sits.

 

Only he is gone.

 

She swirls her head, trying to see where he could have gone. But there are too many people around and the casino is immense. And he is nowhere to be found.

 

Worry claws at her insides.

 

She stares at the game of dice rolling on the table trying to gather her panicking thoughts.

 

Surely he mustn’t have gone far without notifying her. Perhaps he’s in the fresher or getting a bite to eat. He is, after all, human, with simple needs. It’s not as if some Dark force user is slicing his throat as we speak.

 

_ Right? _

 

Rey digs her nails in the polished wood of the table trying to restrain herself from dashing through the casino calling out his name. He will throw a fit again if it turns out to be something insignificant, and Rey does not want to have another confrontation with him. At least not today. But if something really, really bad is happening to him right now and she is standing idly around staring at a pair of stupid dice roll on a table she will never forgive herself.  _ Never _ .

 

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

 

Rey feels her heart will burst if she doesn’t see him in the next two seconds.

 

“Who’s winning?”

 

A low voice rumbles close to her ear.

 

Rey snaps her head to look at the man standing behind her, with that heart of hers ready to break through her ribcage.

 

And she is so relieved, she barely restrains herself from wrapping her arms around his neck.

 

“Who do you think?” She says, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

 

Stars, she’s so  _ happy _ to see him.

 

That dark gaze softens just a bit as his eyes linger on her.

 

“Don’t you dare take her away, Benny. I’m on a roll here.” Justin pipes in from her side. She is given those dice to blow on, once again, and for some reason she feels very uncomfortable doing it under Ben’s intense gaze.

 

“It’s… I don’t know why he does that.” She tries to explain, feeling very flustered.

 

“It’s for good luck.”

 

“Yeah, I figured.” Rey feels the paint give out under her nails as she scrapes at the polished wood.

 

He doesn’t say anything else. Just tears that heavy gaze from her to watch the game. Rey does the same thing.

 

But it’s hard to concentrate, now. She is so aware of his presence in back of her that she forgets to cheer when Justin strikes yet another win. He is so tall, Rey thinks, that he easily stands out amongst the crowd.  But it’s not just his height that makes everyone give him a respectable amount of space. It’s something else, too. It’s that  _ power _ he exudes that crawls up her spine and wraps around her like that evening cloak he’d enveloped her in yesterday, and that she can’t seem to be able to get her mind off. It’s all very distracting and overwhelming and… Rey doesn’t know  _ what _ to call it. She’s never felt anything like this before.

 

“Are you all right?”

 

His question catches her off guard. She actually feels like she is about to pass out.

 

“I’m a bit thirsty. I should have gotten something to drink when I had the chance.”

 

“Yes, you should have. But you are too headstrong for your own good.”

 

“I’m actually quite an agreeable person, believe it or not. I know it’s hard for you to accept at the moment, but it’s true.” His gaze is upon her again, as overbearing as ever, but Rey tries to push through. “And there is nothing wrong with you trying to be somewhat cordial towards me and the people who work for you. You’ll find everyone to be a lot more cooperative if you do that.”

 

She barely finishes her sentence when a waiter approaches them carrying a tray full of refreshments and hands her a glass of cold water.

 

_ How…?  _ Rey frowns. _ Did he just…? Again? _

 

Rey wants to sigh. This isn’t what she had in mind by asking him to be  _ cordial _ . “You really shouldn’t mess with people’s minds without serious reason.”

 

“It was serious enough.”

 

“I could have gotten it myself, you know.”

 

He raises his brows. “And where’s the fun in that?”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and takes a sip. She highly doubts they’ll ever be on the same level of communication. The Governor looks away.

 

“Do you ever play these games?”

 

He looks down at her again. “Why should I?”

 

“I don’t know. You mentioned fun. Don’t you ever relax and have a good time?”

 

His gaze darkens and it takes him a moment to answer.

 

“My choices of  _ entertainment _ are a bit more eclectic,” he drawls.

 

Rey is forced to look away. He can get so intense at times, and she doesn’t know how to handle it. She feels him shift, coming to speak a little closer to her ear as the table erupts in more cheering.

 

“These games bore me,” he continues.

 

“ _ Do  _ they, now?”

 

He’s not the only one who can sound haughty around here. Rey would love to ruffle his stiff feathers a bit.

 

She glances up at him curiously. Ben purses his lips and seems as if he’s trying to hide a smile.

 

“Here, I can show you why. Watch closely.”

 

“ _ Watch closely…” _ The teenage boy says as he levitates a few pebbles in the air in front of her big eyes, round in amazement. Ben was always so powerful and full of delightful surprises.

 

He leans over to place a bet on the table and take the next pair of dice. His chest brushes against her bare shoulder. But Rey doesn’t flinch away. The sensation of his soft shirt and warm body feel familiar and…

 

_ Nice _ .

 

Ben shakes the pair of dice in his hand, and just as he is about to toss them out he brings his open palm to her lips. And waits.

 

She stares at him.

 

“For good luck,” he mouths at her. There’s a little black strand of hair falling in front of his dark eyes again. Those dark eyes that Rey knows can be brown and incredibly soft when they want to be. She’s seen them in the past. She  _ remembers _ them.

 

Rey blows.

 

He throws them across the table without taking his eyes off her. The little cubes hit the rail before bouncing on a number, and right when Rey thinks they’re settled, one of them flips.

 

“A pair of sixes for the Governor of Coruscant!” The house exclaims, and the winnings are passed over to Ben in a series of loud cheers.

 

He raises an eyebrow at her.

 

And Rey breaks into a smile.

 

It’s not until much, much later that they reach their floor. They had found a comfortable companionship throughout the evening, balancing between light banter and random moments of closeness. They hadn’t left each other’s side once. Rey didn’t realize how quickly time had passed.

 

But as the turbolift approaches their floor the lightness between them dissipates and is slowly replaced by unease. By the time they reach her room, both of them are completely silent. He stands before her with the most inscrutable expression on his handsome face.

 

“Rey, about earlier…” he suddenly begins. But pauses. His eyes dart around the corridor for a moment before they return to her, much more resolute. “I want you to know that your presence here is welcomed. I have been…” he pauses again, licking his lips, and Rey can’t help but feel a bit nervous herself. “I have been overbearing towards you and I just wanted to say how…”

 

“Overbearing?”

 

“Yes, and…”

 

“Is that what you call it?”

 

He exhales and runs a hand through his hair for the first time this evening. “Do you have some other word in mind?”

 

Truth is, she has quite a few. But somehow that gaze on her makes her forget them. She shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter… Go on.”

 

“What I was trying to say is that it’s good seeing you again, and I am proud of the progress you’ve made in Luke’s academy.”

 

Silence follows his words as Rey stares at him, feeling overwhelmed. That was the last thing she had ever expected to hear from him. It sounded an awful lot like a compliment, and she really,  _ really _ wants to believe he means it.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Yes. It’s…” she closes her eyes, trying to get her thoughts in some kind of an order. She sighs.  “It’s good seeing you too. I wish things could have been different for you.”

 

He nods and seems to regard her hesitantly for a few moments. He parts his lips, and Rey realizes she’s holding her breath.

 

“I don’t have anything scheduled for tomorrow morning. I was thinking that perhaps you could join me in a visit to the city’s waterfalls. I hear they are quite a sight this time of year and…”

 

Rey feels her heart stutter to a stop.

 

_ Oh, shit _ .

 

“Tomorrow?”

 

“Yes. I’m afraid I don’t have any other opening in my…”

 

“I can’t come.” Rey scrunches her forehead at how awful that had come out. She hurries to rescue whatever she can. “What I mean is… I would have come, but I have already made plans with Jeff and…”

 

His gaze hardens at her words.

 

“ _ Jeff _ ?”

 

Rey flinches at his tone of voice. It sounded almost incredulous. He must really not like the man. There is no other explanation for his mood turning sour so easily at the mention of him. She can’t understand why he continues to have Jeff work for him if he obviously can’t stand the sound of his name. But none of that is important right now. Because Rey can’t help but feel that they are back to square one.

 

“Well, yes… He invited me this morning, and I …” Rey exhales, slowly preparing herself for yet another of his lash outs. She squares her shoulders. “…I agreed.”

 

His jaw clenches before he straightens his back and levels her with that Governor’s gaze that she’s come to know so well these past couple of days. He back steps and clasps his hands behind his back.

 

“I see.”

 

He looks to the side. And it suddenly dawns on her that this invitation wasn’t because of some kind of a formal event taking place. Nor was it a request born out of obligation. He seems as if he wanted to spend time with her.

 

Just _ her _ .

 

Rey doesn’t know how to feel about that exactly. All she knows is that she wants to thump her head against the wall.

 

“Maybe some other time we…”

 

“No. It’s fine.” He shakes his head to himself. ”It was simply a thought. Either way, I hope you enjoy the tour with your  _ friend _ . We’ll be departing from Canto Bight in two days’ time. I’ll see you then.”

 

“In two  _ days _ ?”

 

He smirks, but there is an emotion akin to bitterness that cracks through his cold facade. “Like I said, I don’t have another opening in my schedule. And your services won’t be needed.”

 

“I don’t agree with this. Two days is a long time. Where will you be?”

 

“Around.”

 

“That’s not an answer.”

 

He leans over her as dark and intimidating as ever. But Rey feels for the first time that there’s more to be revealed if she digs deep enough. “That’s the only answer you’re getting,” he grits out.

 

_ He’s upset _ .

 

She realizes all of a sudden. She can feel the roughness of his emotions grind almost like sandpaper in the Force. But he is very good in concealing them, because soon enough it’s as if they were never there.

 

He bows lightly at her as he steps away, perfectly reassembled and in complete control. “Goodnight, Rey,” he says with those eyes of his that had, for a split second, burned like ambers now harden into steel.

 

He turns around and quickly disappears into the shadows of their corridor, and Rey is left staring at his retreating back again wondering what the  _ hell _ just happened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and gets royally dumped.


	11. Not hers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your ideas and speculations are going to turn this story into a saga of its own! Seriously, this is how inspiring they are! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews and comments and pleeeease keep'em comin'! I live for them.
> 
> Soooo...anyone curious about how Rey's date went? Or how a certain someone handled it?

She is crossing the hotel lobby when she sees him.

 

He is surrounded by a small group of people, many of which Rey remembers from yesterday. They are some of the acquaintances Ben had taken the time to introduce to her. He is standing by some exhibits of modern art that the hotel is hosting, in deep discussion as always with a man that Rey remembers as the head of Kuat’s manufacturing shipyards.  Ben is dressed casually in a white collar shirt, charcoal pants and matching overcoat and has a wide leather belt with a blaster strapped to it, from what Rey can tell. He looks as impressive and sharp as always, despite the weapon hidden in his clothes, and she can’t help but feel a little unneeded at the thought that he can manage to protect himself without her. A little further away are two of his most trusted guards standing at rigid attention with their hands clasped in front of them and eyes scanning the lobby.

 

Rey halts a few paces from them and waves hello. They nod back in that crisp, stiff way that always makes her laugh, and she wonders for a moment if she should walk up to Ben and do the same thing. But he is seemingly engrossed in his discussions, and after last night’s parting she isn’t particularly inclined to do that. Rey believes she has tolerated his mood swings long enough. And besides, Jeff is already waiting for her by a shuttle outside the hotel.

 

Loud laughter circles Ben’s company, and Rey is surprised to see that he has joined in, even with something as simple as a light chuckle. A beautiful woman who stands next to him, dressed in dashing white, says something and he leans in to listen.

 

That’s when Ben sees her.

 

Rey looks away when she feels his eyes on her. She straightens the folds on the simple green tunic that falls over her dark blue leggings and sets a wisp of hair behind her ear. She can feel her gestures are unsure and slightly clumsy, but she barely ever wears any other color besides beige and brown, and she hasn’t let her hair down in months. Perhaps this wasn’t the day to start experimenting with her looks.

 

But she is going out to have fun. With Jeff. There’s nothing wrong with trying to look like a normal human for once.

 

But Ben’s eyes remain on her for a moment or ten, and suddenly she’s not feeling so sure anymore. Maybe these colors look awful on her. Maybe the green she picked doesn’t match her eyes the way she had thought. And her hair… She should have pulled it up in her customary buns, instead of letting it down. It’s so long and plain and always gets in her way. Especially if it gets windy.

 

Her heart sags. She looks  _ nothing _ like the stylish and sophisticated women that are in his company. And Ben knows that as well. He is the one who ordered a closet full of clothes for her, after all.

 

Rey tries not to look at the man that stands out amongst his company, quiet but imposing, and seemingly indifferent to the attention he gathers. But it’s just so damn  _ hard _ .

 

“You look lovely.”

 

Rey quickly tears her gaze away to look at Jeff. He’s standing just a couple of paces away with that heart-warming smile spread wide on his face.

 

And he’s offering her a small bouquet of lilies.

 

Rey’s eyes widen.

 

_ How did he know I love flowers so much? _

 

She’s fairly certain she’s barely talked about herself to him. She makes it a point never to let anyone know a thing about her.

 

“Thank you.” Is all she can think to say, bringing the fragrant bouquet to her nose, because  _ damn _ does she love flowers…

 

She steals a quick glance at Ben, who has averted his eyes and is listening to an older man say something about Fathier racing, as he frowns and chews on his lip.

 

“Are you ready to go?” Jeff asks pleasantly.

 

Rey nods.

 

Ben hasn’t looked in her direction again.

 

Strolling around Canto Bight next to Jeff turns out to be great fun, just like she expected it to be. It feels so relaxing not to have her guard up the whole time, wondering if she’ll bear some kind of an attack either from Ben or a potential assassin. The city is very picturesque with its buildings made of stone and its narrow roads. Jeff is sweet and pleasant, and has taken her for frozen flavored milk and a delicious luncheon in one of the city’s most known restaurants. She has talked and laughed and had an absolute marvelous time.

 

There is no reason for Rey to feel the way she does.

 

Jeff has even taken her on a small cruise at the city’s waterfalls. Probably the one Ben had offered to take her on, she can’t help but think, and the sight had been absolutely breathtaking as the sun’s last rays sparkled in the running waters. Rey had found herself closing her eyes and enjoying the mist settling lightly on her skin and lashes. Had felt the warmth of Jeff’s hand on the small of her back and his soft voice mumbling in her ear.

 

Rey has enjoyed all this.

 

There is no reason  _ whatsoever _ for her to feel the way she does.

 

It is late in the evening when they return to the hotel. The sky is a deep violet color, and the planet’s large moons are just beginning to rise. The bars and the casinos are full of life, and Rey feels splendid exhaustion taking over her body. Jeff is standing very close to her, and she feels something has shifted in the way they see each other. And Rey believes it should feel good after such a lovely day and doesn’t understand why it weighs on her so.

 

“I hope you had a good time.”

 

He looks at her almost affectionately and sets a wisp of hair behind her ear.

 

Rey smiles warmly at him. “I did.”

 

“I don’t want this day to end yet. Would you like to have a drink in a bar?”

 

“A drink? I don’t think I could handle that after such a day.” Rey believes she’ll end up falling asleep at the bar and make an utter fool of herself.

 

“Or perhaps we could hang out in my room if you feel too tired. I would like to spend some more time with you.” His gaze is inviting, and maybe a little emboldened, and Rey doesn’t want to let him down. But she really is feeling tired, and she’s afraid she won’t have the strength to walk to her own room later on.

 

“Maybe tomorrow night we could have that drink at a bar like you said. I have to make sure the Governor is safe and has no need of my presence before I promise you anything.”

 

“Of course.” He looks away, and Rey senses he seems slightly put off.

 

She reaches for his hand. “I can’t get too distracted. I’m sorry…”

 

“No, you’re right. His security comes first.”

 

Jeff squeezes her hand and reaches for her cheek. And steps closer.

 

“May I?” He asks as his eyes fall to her lips.

 

She allows Jeff to lean in and set a warm kiss there. It tingles and tastes good, and Rey likes the feel of it. But somehow, it doesn’t seep any deeper than that. Her heart beats its regular steady rhythm, and her breath doesn’t accelerate, and there is no sinking sensation in her stomach.

 

Everything feels pleasant.

 

Everything feels as it should.

 

But for some reason they are not enough.

 

Rey can’t help comparing him to another presence that seems to always consume the air around her.

 

Her chest clenches at the thought of  _ him _ . And suddenly Rey wants to be alone now. She bids Jeff goodnight and strides down the lobby.

 

But she doesn’t feel like going to her room either. So she strays from her path and heads towards the hotel’s bar. Thankfully, not too many people are around since the casino and racetrack are the main attractions in the city.

 

Rey sits on a barstool and orders a drink despite her better judgement. The kind with a fruity sweet taste and a hint of liquor in it. She hasn’t had one in ages. Not since that mission she had gone on with Nyxx and Meekel in Cantonica, when Nyxx thought it’d be funny to see how many drinks Meekel could hold without passing out. Rey had never laughed so much in her life.

 

She swirls the thin glass in her hand.

 

“Do you mind if I sit?”

 

Rey closes her eyes and feels her stomach flutter at the sound of the voice.

 

_ Stars… _

 

__ It’s not fair _. _

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

And regrets the words coming out of her mouth the moment she says them. She feels him settle on the barstool next to her, feels the heat of his body and weight in the Force. The remains of his aftershave drift in the air, mingled with scents from his day, and the rumble of his voice resonates inside her as he orders his own drink.

 

_ Corellian whiskey. _

 

She wants to remember that.

 

“Did you have a good time with Jeff?”

 

“Yes. It was nice.” She picks at the little piece of cloth under her glass.

 

“Is that all?”

 

Rey takes a sip from her drink. She still hasn’t looked at him. Because how can she? That dark gaze of his peels away every protective layer that she has, and leaves her vulnerable for him to do as he pleases.

 

“It’s none of your business. I don’t need to answer to you.”

 

She hears him chuckle at that. A deep, throaty sound that only seems to anger her. He’s become really, _ really _ good at angering her.

 

“Did you enjoy the kiss?”

 

Rey nearly chokes at the question. There is no way he had witnessed  _ that _ . What are the damn odds? She coughs a little and sets her glass down. Out of the corner of her eye she sees him bring his own glass to his lips with a small smirk.

 

“Were you watching us?” She asks, feeling a bit outraged.

 

“You were standing at the entrance of the hotel. It was hard to miss. Was it your first?” He says around the rim of his glass before he takes a sip.

 

“I’m not answering  _ that _ !” She clutches her drink, but is too afraid to bring it to her lips. He will probably notice her shaking hands.

 

“ _ Ah _ , so it was…” He drawls, and she can hear the amusement in his voice. “A pity. He should have done better than that.”

He swirls his glass playfully in his hand, and Rey just stares at hers with a heated face. She can’t believe she is allowing him to rip apart the day she just had and toss its pieces in the trash can.

 

“He’s not good for you,” he says nonchalantly after a few heartbeats pound in her chest. “He isn’t what you need.”

 

“And what exactly is it that I  _ need _ ?” She swivels in her seat to look at him before she can stop herself, and she feels that anger blister and burn inside her. Ben looks a little drawn, she notices, with his late in the day stubble and messy black hair. He must have run his hand through those thick strands a million times today. At least she hopes it was him and not some…

 

Rey clenches her jaw. “What makes you think you know what I need? You barely know me. You haven’t seen me in, what? Ten, Fifteen years? I am nothing like the little girl you remember. You’re not the only one who has changed around here.”

 

“Oh, believe me. I’ve  _ noticed _ .” He fixes her with that gaze. The kind he uses in his exchanges with some of the posh women that surround him. Rey hates how it feels on her.

 

“Then what do you want from me? Who gives you the right to voice any kind of opinion about what I do or who I see?”

 

“You work for me.”

 

“That’s bullshit.”

 

He’s looking directly at her, twirling that tumbler with his long fingers and curling his lips as if he owns her. Rey barely ever feels rage. She barely ever allows it to take over her judgment. But t his man has pushed her beyond her limits.

 

“Don’t think that a couple of games of dice and a half-ass apology can patch things up between us,” she narrows her eyes at him and watches that curl fall away. “We have nothing in common, you and me. And just because I spent a year of my life worshiping you as a little girl doesn’t give you the right to order me around. I suggest you take a good look at your own personal life and the mess you are making of it, and quit mingling with mine.”

 

He scowls at that and Rey knows, she just  _ knows, _ she’s hit home. “You’re engaged for Force’s sake! Don’t think I don’t know what you do behind your fiancée’s back just because I have spent my life training to be a Jedi. I’m not stupid.”

 

“Leave Hannah out of this.”

 

“Oh, so you _ do _ care! I never thought you had an actual heart beating inside you. Does she know?”

 

“Rey…”

 

“Does she, Ben? Or is she some kind of a prize you like to flaunt around the way you do with me?”

 

“That’s  _ enough _ !”

 

His outburst rattles the glasses on the surface of the bar, and a few heads turn to look at them curiously.

 

Rey straightens her back and shifts in her seat under his relentless gaze. “You are a hypocrite,” she almost spits at him

 

“I am not discussing Hannah with you, or the practicalities of my relationship,” he snaps. “You might as well get that out of your pretty little mind, sweetheart.”

 

Rey grits her teeth. “I am  _ not _ your sweetheart.”

 

His eyes have turned dark and stormy, and he rakes his hand through those black waves. She watches him under the dimmed lights of the luxurious bar the way she would watch any impending threat or armed opponent. It doesn’t matter if he is just a man sitting for a drink, dressed in his ridiculously expensive white collar shirt and casual charcoal pants. Nor does it matter if she has had those brown eyes haunt her dreams ever since she was a little girl. The revelations that have been brought forth about him have been nothing but disappointing.

 

“Come here.”

 

His voice is low and commanding, and Rey wants to shake off the hold it has on her. But she finds herself obeying his order nonetheless.

 

“Closer,” he demands.

 

Rey clenches her jaw and holds her ground.

 

And suddenly his fingers are clasping her chin and lifting her head. She looks at him and prays to every star in the galaxy that he doesn’t feel her pulse spike and breath quicken. Because she can’t give him this.

 

She can see his eyes roam her face. And something inside her wants to break under that gaze.

 

“You are no longer an infatuated silly girl,” he says in a surprisingly soft voice. “You’re a Jedi. And you have to be aware of the power you hold over the people that surround you. You have to know their emotions and intentions as if they are your own. Jeff is not worthy of you. I suggest you find one that is…”

 

“And who would that be?’

 

His eyes drop, and suddenly the pad of his thumb is caressing her bottom lip. Rey stiffens at the sensation and feels it shooting down to every last particle of her body.

 

“These lips should be worshiped,” he says hoarsely, and Rey finds herself melting under that touch.

 

_ Don’t stop _ .

 

She wants to whisper to him.

 

_ Please don’t stop... _

 

She looks down at his own lips, that seem so full and impossibly soft under this light. And Rey wants to  _ know.  _ She wants to know how they taste and how warm they can feel, and that very thought, that treacherous little thought that has slipped into her conscious, is the most terrifying thing she has ever felt.

 

“There’s no one here good enough for you,” he drags his gaze back up. “Look elsewhere.”

 

His hand drops, and whatever spell he has on her is broken. Ben shifts to get his tumbler of whiskey and takes a long drag from it, scowling as the alcohol no doubt burns a path down his throat.

 

“I don’t want to look elsewhere,” she says softly as she stares at his sharp profile, half hidden behind his disheveled mane of hair. “There’s no one out there for me.”

 

_ Except you. It’s always been you. _

 

But Rey doesn’t voice that little thought that has taken over her reason.  Instead, she tries to bury it deep inside her. Right where she has kept it all these years.

 

“It’s late,” he says, not lifting his gaze from the amber liquid swirling in his tumbler. “Shouldn’t you be heading to bed by now?”

 

His forearms are set on the surface of the bar, and Rey sees the bulge of muscle under his white shirt. The urge to rest her head on his shoulder is almost overwhelming.

 

But she can’t do that now. Ben’s not  _ hers _ anymore.

 

“ _ Shouldn’t you be in bed by now _ ?” Rey stares up at the teenage boy hunched over a heavy book on his desk. There’s a pen in his hand with a drop of ink on its tip, and Rey drags a stool to climb up and look at what the boy is writing. “ _ I wanna stay with you,” _ she says in a small voice. _ “I’m not tired _ .” She sets her head on his arm and studies the boy scribbling under the warm candlelight.

 

“Will I see you in the morning?” She asks.

 

It’s so hard to tear herself from that memory.

 

“No. Not in the morning. I’ll be…resting. Perhaps later in the day.”

 

She hesitates and bites her lip, because he still has his gaze trained on his drink. And Rey can’t help wonder for just a split moment if he sees her as anything more than that little girl he’d saved. If he sees her as more than the protector he demands from her to be. But Ben can be heedless like that. Touching her lips as if it means nothing and screwing women without a hint of guilt.

 

She slides off the barstool, and just as she’s about to walk away, she catches his eyes on the mirror of the bar across from them. And pauses.

 

They shimmer under the soft light of the bar and look almost wistful. But he quickly averts his gaze to take another sip.

 

“Goodnight, Rey,” he turns to say over his shoulder.

Rey nods, pushing and shoving those painful memories back in the forgotten corners of her mind. There’s no point in digging up the past. Nothing good will come from it. Things are what they are and...

 

Ben’s right. She’s not a silly girl anymore.

 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

She simply says and heads for her room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I beautiful song that fits perfectly how Rey feels about Ben at the moment is "You Say" by Lauren Daigle. Seriously listen to the lyrics. That's all the comment I need to make about this chapter.
> 
> Next chapter Rey stumbles across Ben in a rather curious situation. I think a lot of you have noticed how naughty he is.


	12. Eyes wide open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for ooh I don't know, depictions of sexual acts and all around debauchery. Plus we'll be meeting a certain someone that is very much missed in this story. You'll know when the name pops up! ; )
> 
> Tread carefully.

_ “Ben? Is it the bad dreams again?” _

 

Rey can almost see her younger version pad carefully into the small hut that’s illuminated by the pale moon hanging from the night sky. She can almost hear the soft ruffle of a blanket, and the strange sighs of the young man tossing in his bed.

 

Almost.

 

Because the teenage boy is no longer there. Nor is the man he has become.

 

Rey stares at the Governor’s empty bed, and the silver light of the moon that falls on the untouched duvet. She never imagined he’d be gone this late in the night. In fact, she would have never found out about his absence at all, if it weren’t for that urgent call from Luke. The information he had disclosed to her was exceedingly important, and Rey had thought it would be best if she came seeking Ben. Even at this late hour.

 

But Ben, it seems, had made other plans.

 

“Where did you say he went?”

 

She asks the guard that was unfortunate enough to be stationed on a night shift outside Ben’s quarters. Mike scratches the back of his head, clearly in a difficult spot.

 

“I’m sorry miss. I’m not allowed to give out information about the Governor’s whereabouts. Even to you.”

 

Rey presses her lips.

 

“There’s two ways we can do this. You either tell me all on your own where he has gone, and we can pretend you put up an admirable fight against me,  _ or _ I get the information I need from your mind, in a not so subtle way. The choice is yours.”

 

The guard sighs.  “Rey, if he finds out about this he’ll do more than just fire me.”

 

“I won’t let him touch a single hair on you, even though there’s not much of that. And I promise, you won’t lose your job.”

 

“There’s no guarantee…”

 

“ _ Mike. _ ”

 

“All right! All right!” The man sighs, rubbing at his short cropped hair. “He’s at a private party. The likes of which is… well, not your style. Chances are, he’ll be coming back sometime around dawn.”

 

“Take me there.”

 

“Did you just hear what I said? It’s a private party. No one’s allowed unless they’re invited. There’s no way around it. The security is pretty damn strict.”

 

Rey steps closer to the guard and fixes him with a solid stare. The man’s at least a head taller than her and twice her weight, but Rey’s dealt with larger beasts in the past. “I didn’t ask for your  _ opinion _ , Mike.  I simply asked for you to take me to the party. The way I see it - you really don’t have much of a choice. So quit wasting my time and take me to the Governor. Right now.”

 

The man squirms, and lets out a curse under Rey’s unwavering gaze, but eventually relents.

 

“Fine. But I’m dropping you off and leaving. You’ll have to figure out your own way back.”

 

Rey smiles. “That’s all I asked for.”

 

 

Rey easily flips over the tall high security fence, landing in a silent crouch within the premises of the grand villa. There’s pathways leading all the way to the building’s main entrance, but Rey prefers to remain hidden within the shadows of the small forest that surrounds it. She puts an attacking pair of watch dogs to sleep with a wave of her hand, but avoids coming into any immediate confrontation with the mansion’s security walking the grounds. She’s here to find Ben. No need to turn this into some kind of an unnecessary battleground. So she easily nudges their attention away from her.

 

She finds a tall tree with thick branches reaching all the way to a second story balcony, and Rey decides that’s the best way to enter the villa. She’s up and over the balcony’s marble ledge in a matter of moments. It is so frustrating to see how easily a trained Force user can slip inside with barely any obstacles. Obviously, the same thing had happened in Ben’s estate. Rey can’t believe how stupid and careless he’s been.

 

The room she comes across when she breaks through the balcony doors is dark and quiet. But Rey can hear soft music and murmuring coming from further inside the mansion.  A stream of light comes through the semi open doors, barely shedding any of it in the vast room.

 

_ A library. _

 

She realizes, as her eyes adjust to the darkness within. A very heavily decorated and ornate library, with antique furniture, plush carpeting and the indisputable smell of molding parchment. Rey, under different circumstances, would have loved to stay and explore its treasures - but there simply isn’t any time.

 

She crosses the room in a few silent steps, muffled by the thick carpet, and peeks through the wooden doors.

 

And her breath stops.

 

There’s a finely dressed couple walking right outside, chatting and laughing with a flute of champagne in their hand, heading leisurely towards what seems to be the villa’s main staircase. But that is not what has Rey’s breath hitch. Because right across the hall, and in plain sight, is a man and a woman, up against a wall, with their clothes shoved roughly out of the way, and very much in the process of coupling zealously without a care in the world.

 

Rey’s eyes widen, and her hand flies to her mouth to clamp down a startled yelp. The couple with the champagne glasses glides down the staircase without so much as batting an eye in the direction of the man and woman, who are panting and moaning shamelessly with every slap of skin against skin.

 

_ What kind of a party is this? _

 

Rey is too shocked to process what is happening right before her eyes. And that’s when the sensations in the Force start enveloping her. There’s a strange intensity building all around, almost throbbing in nature, that crawls down her spine and reverberates deep inside her. And it feels very,  _ very _ uncomfortable. A loud cry escapes the woman. Her face slackens in ecstasy, and her legs quiver under the man’s relentless pounding into her body.

 

Rey decides that she’s seen enough. She slips out of the library and heads towards the opposite side of the hallway, trying to find a decent hiding place for her to gather her thoughts and  _ find Ben. _

 

But luck does not seem to be on her side this evening.

 

“Good evening, my lady.” A rather small, slender old man, dressed in formal evening clothes is standing on the side of the door, flanked by two security guards. He bows lightly at her with a polite smile. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?”

 

Rey straightens her back, chastising herself for being too distracted by the couple’s ministrations to pay proper attention to the rest of her surroundings. Of course, this is a high security villa, and her break in has not gone undetected.

 

“I am here to speak with the Governor of Coruscant,” she says briskly, sizing up the two guards. Yeah, she can take them out if push comes to shove.

 

“I’m afraid there is no such guest on our list tonight.”

 

She snaps her attention back to the man and tilts her head to the side.

 

“You’re lying,” she says. “I know he’s here.”

 

_ I can feel him. _

 

Actually she can feel a lot of people behind these doors, and hear them too. The lust and hedonism spilling in the Force are very potent. And awkward. And the mere thought that Ben could be behind any of these closed doors partaking in these acts…

 

“Perhaps it would be best for you to leave, and if the…  _ Governor _ ever drops by I could notify him of your visit here.”

 

Rey presses her lips together. She’s running out of patience.

 

“Perhaps  _ not _ .” She approaches the man, and one of the details cuts in front of her with his thick forearms crossed in front of his chest

 

The older man smirks from behind. But his smile easily falls from his lips when Rey shoves the guard aside with the Force and brings her ignited saber to the man’s neck.

 

“Where. Is.  _ He _ ?”

 

The muzzle of a blaster is set on her temple, but the man signals for the remaining guard to stand down.

 

“The man you are searching for is named Kylo Ren,” he whispers after a moment’s hesitation, for her ears only. “I believe you must be his infamous Jedi.”

 

Rey clenches her jaw. “Lead me to him,” she hisses, just as silently.

 

“I would advise the lady not to insist. This is not a place for her.”

 

Rey feels her resolve waver, just a bit, because she too is aware that this is not a place she would come searching for under normal circumstances. But Ben, it seems, has made it a point to change quite a few of her habits.

 

“Take me to him.”

 

The man regards her pensively for a long moment before he nods in reluctance. He orders the guards to resume their posts before he turns to her.

 

“Follow me,” he simply says with a curt bow.

 

He leads the way to a smaller staircase to the side. His steps are clipped, and echo down the marble stairs, whereas hers are muffled and barely audible thanks to her soft new boots and rigorous training. They completely bypass the grand lounge, where elegantly dressed people are gathered under a sparkling chandelier, chatting and murmuring and in the process of watching tentatively something that is taking place in the middle of the room.

 

Rey pauses for a moment when a couple of moans reach her ears, but she can’t make out what it is that has the audience’s interest so captivated.

 

“This way, my lady.”

 

Rey hurries to catch up with him, starting to feel very restless by the sensations permeating the air.

 

“What  _ is _ this place? I thought this was some kind of a party.”

 

The man sends her a knowing glance over his shoulder. “It is a  _ private _ party. The list of guests is small and very particular. For obvious reasons.”

 

A shiver runs down her spine.

 

“Some of the faces are masked,” she comments hoarsely.

 

“Indeed. There is no need to for their identities to be revealed. Even though…” the man chuckles. “They all know who they are.”

 

They go down another narrow staircase and enter a dark, damp corridor. There are muffled cries and hushed voices, clunking sounds and rhythmic pounding resonating down its length. They seem to drift from behind closed heavy doors and iron bars. But a few of them are cracked open, Rey notices, and even though the first one they come across is empty, the second one is not. She quickly averts her eyes with a heated face at the sight of numerous mingled bodies, intertwined in ways she never thought possible before, and in the process of doing unspeakable things to each other.

 

She tries not to look at any of the other cells, as she follows the older man diligently down the dungeon’s corridor.

 

But in the last one. In the very last room, Rey doesn’t know what it is that makes her stop and look inside. Because it is just as dimly lit as the rest, and it’s decorated just as scarcely. But there is a naked woman there with her hands bound behind her back, kneeling before a man who sits sprawled on an armchair with his head thrown against its back. He too is masked, but there is something about that ink black hair fanned on the velvet cushioning that seems very familiar. The woman raises her head from between the man’s legs, and his hard member comes into sight, glistening and swollen under the dim lighting of the room. The naked woman stands, straddles his lap and goes down on him with a loud sigh. The man moans a deep, throaty sound that has Rey watching entranced and with eyes wide open. But that is as far as she sees, because there is a rattling of chains and a male humanoid appears behind the door, naked with strange iridescent eyes, and slams it in Rey’s face.

 

“My lady?”

 

Rey snaps her head up at the sound of the older man’s voice, with heated cheeks and feeling very, very flustered and ashamed.

 

He leads her in some kind of a waiting room, which is damp and dark just like the rest of the underground premises, with just a set of chairs and a very uncomfortable looking sofa. Rey is left alone there with buzzing ears and a pounding heart.

 

This is not what she had in mind when she came in search of Ben. Yes, she had expected to come across some form of a party. Crowded, with music playing, that involved boring political conversations and cold chuckles. Maybe a little drinking and perhaps some illegal spice use here and there.

 

Rey did not expect…

 

She shuts her eyes and sets her hand on her heated forehead. What is she supposed to say when he comes in the room? That she was worried sick about him leaving in the middle of the night? Scold him on his choices of entertainment like he so eloquently described them in the casino? Knock him out and drag him back to the hotel?

 

Rey would love to do the last.

 

Ben was right. She has no place in his world. But somehow, a little unspoken part of her always believed that she did have a place next to him. Which is why she agreed to be his bodyguard, even though she knew how far gone he already was. But when Skywalker chose her, of all his students, to be his protector, she just couldn’t resist.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Rey swivels at the sound of a deep voice. A masked man is standing at the entrance of the waiting room shutting the doors behind him. He looks…

 

_ Stars… He… _

 

Rey swallows as the man approaches her slowly, with his wild mane of black hair clinging to his neck and his black shirt unbuttoned, revealing his broad chest glistening with sweat. The fastenings to his pants are undone, and the clothing seems to ride low on his hipbones. But his rumpled condition is not what catches her attention. It’s the _ mask _ . Forged from the black metal of nightmares, and rimmed around a pair of dark eyes with the silver color of sleepless moons.

 

Because this is the mask she used to see in Ben’s haunting dreams.

 

He comes to stand before her, tall and dark and dominating, and Rey wants to cover her mouth and drown the sob that’s threatening to come out.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“Why are you wearing that mask?”

 

She watches as he presses his lips together. Because the mask doesn’t cover the bottom half of his face. The only part that remains human in his features.

 

“You shouldn’t have come. This is no place for you."

 

“I was worried. I didn’t know where you were.”

 

A smirk plays on the corner of his lips. “ _ Worried?” _

 

He regards her carefully behind his dark mask.

 

“How could you be so stupid and disappear like this without informing me what you were up to. I thought we agreed that you would fill me in on your plans and…”

 

“Did you want me to  _ fill you in _ on this?”

 

His smirk widens, and it makes her feel very self-conscious.

 

“Well, some form of… of information would have been appreciated instead of just, you know…” she is stuttering, and she hates this, because the way he is looking at her reveals all the ground she has lost already.

 

“And what exactly did you want me to say? That I would be gone for the night to have sex? I don’t believe you needed to know that.”

 

Rey looks to the side, because that mask is unnerving, and his lack of decent clothing is very distressing. And even though he is the one that’s standing half-naked in front of her, she is the one who feels exposed, instead.

 

“Don’t you have some kind of a cowl to put on?”

 

“You’re blushing,” he says, lifting his hand to her face. The pad of his thumb brushes lightly over her left cheek, and it feels as if it’s on fire under the coolness of his touch. Rey feels so embarrassed she wants to turn around and  _ run _ .

 

But Ben steps closer.

 

There’s a heady scent coming from him, mingled with that musk she’s always so aware off, and Rey is starting to feel rather dizzy. She knows what this smell is, and why it’s on him, but she doesn’t dare conjure the image of it in her mind. Her stomach starts to twist in on itself.

 

His cool hand cups her cheek, and his fingers weave in her hair. Rey closes her eyes because she doesn’t think she can remain standing when everything around her is starting to spin.

 

“Why did you come here, Rey? What is it that you wanted to see?”

 

She swallows around a dry throat, and refuses to open her eyes. Not even with his warm breath fanning her face. He is close. Force  _ help her _ , he is so close. Rey has to get away, but her knees are weak, and her chest is aching from the thumping of her heart. She is surprised he is unable to hear it. Or maybe he can, and it’s the reason he is teasing her so.

 

A large hand wraps around her waist, and his warm body closes the small distance between them. He is caging her in, and Rey is afraid she will never break free again.

 

His lips come to whisper in her ear, and Rey feels her whole body break into pieces.

 

“What should I do with you, my little Jedi?”

 

The words trickle like pearls down her spine. One by one. Pooling heavily in a place she’s never touched before.

 

Rey opens her eyes and stares at the masked face. Searching for the man behind it. She can feel his breath mingling with her own, and there’s a want tingling under her skin, gathering down low. Questing for friction against a hardness that is starting to press against her.

 

She raises a hand to his chest, trying to keep some safe distance between their bodies. His skin is sweaty and hot, and there’s a hammering underneath it that almost matches her own. But everything is foreign and terrifying and so intoxicating at the same time…

 

Rey squirms in his arms.

 

But his hold on her only intensifies, and then his face lowers to her neck. And suddenly, his hot breath is caressing her sensitive skin and, _oh stars_ , she thinks those are his lips trailing a soft and wet path down the curve of her neck. It feels so wrong but so, so _good_ too and…

 

“ _ Ben.” _

 

His name falls from her parched throat, sounding anything but the way she intended it to sound. She tries to push him away, but her willpower is so weak in comparison to the sensations that are taking over her body.

 

And then suddenly Ben freezes. His body stiffens, and his arms loosen around her waist. He doesn’t quite let go, but it gives her enough space to move and breathe.  _ Stars _ , it feels so good to breathe.

 

He stares at her for two of her heartbeats.

 

Ben raises his hand and snatches the mask off. It tugs on the sweaty strands of his hair and reveals a startled face and wild brown eyes.

 

_ There you are... _

 

Rey wants to sigh with relief.

 

“You’ve never…” he trails off. His Adam’s apple bobs once. Twice. Before he continues almost reverently. “You’ve never been with a man before. Or… woman. I forgot you’ve never…”

 

Rey stares back at him in silence.

 

No she hasn’t. She knows some of the other students have experimented, under Luke’s endless warnings to be careful. That falling in love had been Anakin Skywalker’s downfall to the Dark side. A few of them have complied and have chosen to live a life of celibacy. Some, like Nyxx, have been a bit more adventurous.

 

But Rey…

 

Rey has chosen not to get attached in any way. She knows the pain that comes when someone you love walks away.

 

Ben breaks away from her and steps back quickly.

 

“ _ Fuck!” _ He growls into the shadows of the room, raking those black strands with his hand. He pants through flared nostrils, and seems just as out of breath as her.

 

It allows enough space for logic to return, and along with that, the reason why she had come in search of him to begin with.

 

She takes a step towards him.

 

“Don’t come any closer,” he warns in a cracked voice. “I’m not myself. I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret.”

 

Rey halts. “You could never hurt me.”

 

“I don’t  _ want _ to hurt you,” he corrects her almost desperately. Rey blinks at him surprised, but cooperates. She is aware of the lewd sensations and basal instincts that are permeating the air. And he is very much affected by them still. He had been, after all, in the middle of such an act when she arrived. Rey swallows at the knowledge that she too had been very vulnerable just moments ago.

 

Still is. A little.

 

_ Maybe more. _

 

“Give me a moment,” he pleads, and she nods. He turns around to button his shirt, swearing like a drunken Hutt every two seconds. And Rey bites down a smile when he curses loudly in his effort to tuck himself properly into his trousers.

 

He is somewhat in control when he turns around to face her again. His eyes are gleaming behind those wet strands, and his cheeks are flushed, but there seems to be some kind of logic in his gaze.

 

“Luke Skywalker got in contact with me earlier tonight.” She has to say something that will dampen the sensations around them. And that’s the cruelest thing she can come up with. Rey mustn’t allow herself to be so out of control around this man. He is so,  _ so _ dangerous. “He said he wants to speak to you about a mega weapon the First Order has constructed and that needs to be stopped.”

 

He blinks at her, trying to process what she’s just said, and the expression on his face is priceless. It takes a moment for what she’s said to sink in, and then in a split second, the Governor is back.

 

“We have to go,” he states.

 

“I agree.”

 

“How did you get in here?”

 

Rey scrunches her face at that. “I broke in.”

 

“And hell of a job you did at that! Mylo informed me of your trespass, and the fact that you threatened to kill him.”

 

“That’s a little exaggerated, actually. I was just trying to fish information about your whereabouts.”

 

“Do you think this place is a game?” He thunders at her. “That anybody can just stroll inside, have a good time and go back to their merry lives with no strings attached.”

 

“I didn’t say  _ tha _ t,” she tries to defend herself. “Wait… What kind of strings?”

 

Ben stares heavily at her.

 

“Can you cut off  _ your _ strings? Who’s in charge?”

 

“I think it’s a little late for that. Force, I knew you’d be trouble,” he mumbles. “You always were, even back in the academy.  We’re leaving, before anyone else finds out about your presence here. You’d better count your lucky stars it was Mylo that discovered you”

 

“Why are you so anxious about someone finding out about me being here?”

 

He grabs her hand and starts dragging her out of the room. “Because,” he hisses at her while Rey has her bewildered gaze trained on their clasped hands, “…this is a  _ special  _ club, and your innocence does not go unnoticed.”

 

She looks back up at him. “What do you mean?”

 

“It means that I don’t want to end up paying the _ price _ for your intrusion.”

 

They are back at the dark corridor, filled with those mysterious sounds and shut doors. “You’re not talking about money, are you?”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

Rey halts and gapes at him. “Ben, how could you be part of this?”

 

He too stops and turns to face her, even though he can’t look her in the eye. “I don’t come here often. And I don’t do a lot of the things others do. Now, please stop asking questions and  _ move _ .”

 

They go down a different corridor that she hadn’t noticed before, and he opens a small closet. He grabs his overcoat, cloak and blaster before grabbing her hand again and dragging her behind him.

 

She follows him through corridors and rooms which hold apparatuses Rey is too scared to ask what they are used for. Then they go through another narrow, stone corridor before they reach a metal door. Ben puts in a code and it creaks open for them to go through.

 

They stumble out into the crisp night air, and Rey hasn’t felt this sort of relief in years. Ben looks up at the stars with his hand holding on to hers tightly, and takes a deep breath. He shuts his eyes and mutters something under his breath. He seems as relieved as her.

 

_ “Ben, why are there so many stars?” _

 

The teenage boy turns his soft brown eyes and looks at her a bit exasperated. “ _ Because every time someone asks a question, a new star is born. Now, how about you be quiet and try to meditate with me.” _

 

“My shuttle is stationed at the far end of the landing bay.” His deep voice snaps her back to reality. Rey looks into that dark gaze that awaits her. He lets go of her hand and goes to move on ahead.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What was that woman doing to you on her knees?” Rey believes she has an idea, but can’t resist teasing him a bit about it. He was, after all, peeping on her yesterday too.

 

Ben levels her with a loaded gaze that sears right through her, even in the darkness of night. Rey tries her best to contain the smile twitching on her lips. Because he is no longer with those women. He is here. With her.

 

“I am most certainly not answering  _ that _ , you little minx. Now get your ass on that shuttle before I show you what actually goes down in that mansion.”

 

Rey nods a little impishly. And feels his eyes follow her as she moves on ahead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe you can all imagine the kind of "price" he would have to pay, right?
> 
> A song that fits this chapter "Third day of a seven-day binge" by Marilyn Manson. For obvious reasons.
> 
> Next chapter has a bit of action in it. And Rey proves her worth as a Jedi.
> 
> PS: Just a little comment I've decided to leave because some readers I think are getting uncomfortable. Kylo/Ben might not have fallen to the Dark side, killed his father and annihilated civilizations next to Snoke. But he is still very affected by the Darkness. If you haven't picked up on who is behind the nightmares, you will along the way. So Ben behaves just as bad... but differently. Yes, he is engaged with Hannah and has meaningless sex with other women. But we still don't know much about his relationship with his fiancee, do we? Yes, he is mean towards Rey, who he knows has feelings for him, but maybe he doesn't want her to get too invested in him and get hurt in the end. So why is he so hot and cold? Maybe because, just like in canon, he can reach out across a galaxy and touch Rey's fingers, and the next moment vow, in a fit of rage, that he will kill her. That's him. At least the way I see him.
> 
> People can be complex. Emotions can be complex. Right from wrong is not always easy to distinguish. And as life has taught me, the people we love the most are the people who can hurt us the most. Otherwise, we wouldn't care.
> 
> I won't be flat out calling emotions and situations out in the story. That's not my style ;) That being said, I hope you stick with me and enjoy the story!


	13. The Jedi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a conventional writer. I am not proud of it, I am simply stating a fact. I do not resolve disputes in ordinary ways, I do not explain many of my character's emotions and motives, and like to shock my readers. Even my warnings are unconventional, since in the last chapter I chose Mylo, the old man, to warn everyone about not proceeding. But you, like Rey, decided to go in search of Ben.
> 
> I also do not tag correctly and that, sadly, lead one of my readers to check out of the story in my previous chapter. It was a bit of an eye-opener for me, and I have tried to tag better without giving away the storyline. If you are still here, it means that you can probably chew on iron and not break a tooth.
> 
> That being said I have two surprises for you. 
> 
> The first is from @balancedpadawan who commissioned Clara Gemm to create artwork for the bar scene in Canto Bight. I opened my Twitter account due to its incessant blinking and came across THIS! !https://twitter.com/ClaraGemm/status/1141701272732622850?s=09 It is so magical and has captured that intense moment between them so beautifully it made me sob! Thank you both from the bottom of my heart!!!
> 
> The second surprise is a little treasure hidden in the comment section of my previous chapter (Eyes wide open). It is a snippet of Ben's POV in the villa, and was an out of the blue little gift for @balancedpadawan. I suggest you check it out! ;) https://archiveofourown.org/comments/233069509

Rey had expected him to be pissed.

 

A lot more than he’s allowing her to sense, at least. This is the second time she gets in the middle of his  _ needs _ in the last two days and completely derails his plans in a matter of minutes. He should be throwing some kind of a hormonal fit by now. But instead, he sits calmly in the pilot’s seat, with his hand set loosely on the lever, and his gaze focused out the window, flying the shuttle smoothly over the planet’s terrain.

 

They are both very silent. The villa’s erotic undercurrent has dissipated as if it were fog, leaving behind sentiments of shame and awkwardness. And maybe a little melancholy. At least from her side. Because Ben’s feelings are clamped shut in the Force, and she is not in a mood to go prodding after such a night.

 

She unconsciously touches the spot on her neck where his lips had set her ablaze, trying to wrap her mind around what had transpired back in the villa.

 

Rey has been to the filthiest of towns in the Outer Rim, digging out the shadiest of characters along with her Master. She has sensed lust and desire in the Force while sitting in bars and cantinas all over the galaxy. But the things she saw and felt in that villa…

 

Rey presses her lips together tightly.

 

_ Why does he do this to himself? _

 

Give in to his basest of instincts and waste his body on meaningless partners. Is he this unhappy with his fiancée? What void is he trying to fill by bonding and dominating people even in sex? Rey does not understand, and it makes her feel a little resentment towards him. Just a little.

 

He glances at her.

 

But his expression is guarded in the darkness of the cockpit. Rey doesn’t know what to expect of him when they return to the casino’s hotel.

 

So she has done the same thing.

 

She has fortified her walls against him, and is looking out her side of the window at the vast expanse of land stretching into the night.

 

“What else did Luke say?” His deep voice permeates the tense silence.

 

Rey wants to sigh. “The Stormtrooper has given the coordinates to a planet that holds the mega weapon. He said the Republic will need to strike fast, before Snoke decides to power it up and obliterate a world.” Rey pauses, allowing him the time to take in the information. “He says it’s the next Death Star. Only deadlier.”

 

Ben clenches his jaw without saying another word. Rey counts the mountain tops in the far horizon. A few more moments tick by.

 

“About what happened in the villa…” He begins, sounding a bit guarded, and Rey shuts her eyes. Because she had expected this sooner or later.

 

“You don’t have to say anything,” she shakes her head in the dark, looking back out the window. “I know it was bad timing. You weren’t in control of yourself and it won’t happen again.”

 

It takes him a moment to answer back.

 

“Right.”

 

“We don’t need to discuss this again. It was meaningless.”

 

_ At least for him… _

 

Ben remains silent.

 

The city’s lights begin to shimmer in the distance, and Rey can sense an emotion of regret emanating from him. She too feels this is an uncomfortable situation they are in, but surprisingly she doesn’t regret what happened between them as much as he does. Perhaps she should feel thankful that he had the  _ decency _ to release his hold on her when he did. Rey knows her heart would have been left in ruins if it had continued into anything more...

 

Rey chews her lip and starts counting the stars. Anything to get her mind off that wretched bitterness that’s settling inside her.

 

And suddenly she tenses.

 

“Do you feel it?” She asks, searching out her window.

 

Ben darts his eyes at her. “Feel what?”

 

“I can’t quite… I don’t believe it’s an animal. The thought in the Force is too complex…” And it raises the hair on the back of her neck. She reaches for Ben’s arm, digging her nails in the muscle underneath.

 

She senses him looking at her as his pain spikes in the Force. “Rey? What’s going on? Are you alright?”

 

“Turn!”

 

“What?”

 

“I said  _ turn _ !”

 

A screeching sound seers through the metal of the shuttle, and suddenly their world is spiraling out of control as the alarms go off around them and the planet’s rocky surface races up to meet them. Ben curses as he flips switches, and grasps on the pilot’s lever to level the ship, but fire has erupted in the back and they’re falling just too damn…

 

_ Fast. _

 

Rey brings her hand up at the accelerating ground, in a desperate attempt to slow down their fall, and then everything goes black.

 

 

 

There’s a buzzing sound in her ears, and some kind of throbbing on her temple when Rey begins to regain consciousness. And heat. Unbearable heat all around her.

 

She blinks, staring at the metal overhead and the jagged edges of broken glass reflecting a bright orange light.

 

Rey coughs, bringing her hand to her aching head. Her mind feels so heavy, and she has trouble sensing her surroundings. As if she’s asleep, and yet not. Because this pounding in her head is letting her know that she is very much awake.

 

There’s a sticky substance smeared on her temple, and her skin stings at the touch. Rey brings her fingers in front of her eyes, trying to discern what the stickiness is, just as a low groan drifts in the stuffy air.

 

_ Blood. _

 

She stares at the dark color that’s smeared on her hand. Her blood. What in R’iia’s winds happened?

 

_ And why is it so hot in here? _

 

Another groan resounds, a bit louder and very, very pained. And Rey believes she knows that voice from somewhere _. _ It’s in her dreams and in the back of her mind, day in and day out, a constant companion throughout her life and a fortifying presence in her hours of loneliness. And it can only belong to…

 

 “Ben?”

 

A heartbeat passes, and then his deep voice responds shakily.

 

“Rey?”

 

Her eyes widen, and just like that her senses sharpen back to reality. And everything becomes very clear. The metal and glass are the remnants of their shuttle. The heat is because of a fire that erupted before they came crashing down. And the hoarse voice belongs to none other than  _ Ben, _ who sounds  _ hurt _ and very much in pain.

 

She lifts herself from the broken seat, ignoring the stinging on her temple and the pain on her left leg, and fumbles her way to where she knows he’s seated.

 

His eyes are already fixed on her, and his pale face has a wide gash running down his right cheek and disappearing in the collar of his shirt. Rey carefully removes a large shard of glass embedded in his face, before she grasps his overcoat and tries to pull him off his seat. But he stops her with his hand and a press of his lips. “You can’t…” He whispers at her. “I’m hurt.” He shuts his eyes and drops his head back, scrunching his brow in unuttered pain.

 

Rey notices a metal beam protruding from his left side. And her heart stops.

 

“Are you alright?” he croaks. “Are you hurt in any way?”

 

“No, no. I’m ok.”

 

“Good… That’s good.”

 

She scans the insides of the crashed shuttle and the approaching fire and tries to assess his condition. Things are definitely not looking good.

 

Ben licks his lips. “Rey, you have to go and get help. The city is not far away.”

 

“I know, but I can’t leave you here. The shuttle is burning. I’ve got to get you out first.”

 

He shifts his gaze around. “There must be a fire extinguisher somewhere. Use that. Don’t move me.”

 

“Ben, the shuttle is ruined. Even if I put out the fire, it might still explode.” She grasps his hand. “I have to get you out of here.”

 

Ben shakes his head. “I can’t move. And I’m too heavy for you…” He fixes those compelling eyes on her that glisten under the flames and urge for her to obey. “ _ Please, _ get out. Call for help.”

 

She wraps her hand around the metal on his side, instead.

 

His hand covers hers in an effort to stop her and he clenches his teeth. He’s in pain. Rey can feel it as if it’s her own, and it maddens her to think of how gravely hurt he may be. But she’s got to get him out. Rey  _ has to _ .

 

Her hand grasps his cheek, the one that’s still intact. “Look at me!” She demands.

 

His eyes focus on her, and she can sense the quick rise and fall of his chest.

 

“ _ Look at me,”  _ the teenage boy orders over her pained cries. Her leg hurts, and she doesn’t think she can make it back to the academy. Rey believes she will die right then and there. “ _ You’ll be fine. I’ll take you to Luke, but you have to help me out. Stop crying and wrap your arms around my neck. I’ve got you. I’m not letting you go. I promise I will never let go… _ ”

 

“I’m getting you out of here, but you have to help me out. Let me remove the metal from your side. No! Don’t you dare shake your head at me, you stubborn oaf. I have to do this.  _ We _ have to do this! Ok? Good! Good… Now. Bite down on this. That’s it…”

 

His muffled cry of pain pierces her heart, and the blood that starts gushing from his wound makes her nearly lose her cool. But Rey steadies herself over him and shatters his side of the window with a couple of strong kicks. Air filters in and Rey coughs.

 

_ Stars, this heat is unbearable. _

 

If they don’t get out of this vessel now, they’ll be burned to a crisp. She sets her hands under his arms carefully. Ben blinks lightly at her, but says nothing.

 

Rey fixes her gaze on those burning eyes and  _ lifts _ .

 

 

 

He tries his best to steady himself on his feet, Rey knows it, but the blood seeping from his wound and dripping on the soft grass is too much, and he soon crumbles to his knees pulling her down with him. But they are far enough from the flaming shuttle that is screeching and melting away in the dead of night.

 

Ben lies on the cool grass, out of breath, and clutches at his wound. “Just for a moment,” he says in a hushed voice. Rey knows he doesn’t have just a moment. She tears his shirt open to reveal the extent of his wound, and rips out the ends of his cloak to press on it for the bleeding to stop.

 

“Hold here,” she says to him, leading his cold hand over the fabric. She quickly proceeds to unravel her armwraps and tie them around his torso as firmly as possible without causing him too much pain. His breaths are shallow, and his forehead is glistening with cold sweat. And the color on his face is the palest she has ever seen it to be.

 

Ben doesn’t have just a moment, and Rey has to call for help.

 

She starts searching for her comlink, but realizes she has left it back at the hotel. So she fumbles through the pockets of his clothes in search of his. She thinks she finds it deep into the right front pocket of his trousers when she sees his eyes widen. Rey know she’s touched places she shouldn’t have, but the expression on his face as his eyes snap to hers is that of terror. And Ben does not feel fear easily.

 

“Run,” he whispers, clutching at her arm.

 

“Wh…what?” She scrunches her brows, confused. “I’m not going anywhere. What are you talking about?”

 

He shakes his head just lightly, gathering whatever strength he has. “You have to get out of here,  _ now _ !”

 

Rey hears a familiar humming erupt a few paces behind her, and she turns her head to look. Three figures are approaching through the smoke as if they are creatures of the night. They are all masked. Two of them are in black armor, and with weapons bared that Rey has never seen before.  But the third one…  _ Stars _ , the third one is a Force-user, with his ignited red lightsaber thrumming in his hand.

 

“Please, Rey… You have to go.”

 

Her breath hitches as she turns to look at Ben, bleeding helplessly on the ground.

 

“I’m not leaving you.”

 

“No, no. Listen…” He licks his lips, fixing eyes that plead on her. “They’re after me, Rey. Not you. You can still get away. They’ll kill you if you don’t.”

 

Rey’s eyes blur as she grasps his hand that’s clutching her arm, and tugs it off. Because he doesn’t have just a moment.

 

“I won’t let them harm you.”

 

His face breaks into the most desperate expression she has ever seen.  

 

“Baby girl, please… Run.  _ Just run!” _

 

Rey stares at the teenage boy clutching at her arms and looking at her with wild eyes. “ _ Run, baby girl. Run!”  _ He pushes her small body into the forest’s foliage, and stands up just in time to clutch the attacking large feline by the throat with the Force. Rey blinks, terrified, at the boy suspending the wild animal in the air.

 

She closes her eyes and leans in to set a long kiss on Ben’s forehead. _Gods, it feels so cold_ _already._ She can sense his agony, feel his hopelessness and despair in his plead for her to _leave_. But Rey sets her own forehead against his gently, reaching out into the Force and gathering it like reins around her wrists.

 

She rises to her feet slowly and turns around. Reaches for her saberstaff. And ignites it.

 

 

 

One of the armored men might be tall and big, but he is relatively inexperienced with his heavy axe, and Rey easily decapitates him after a few strikes. But the second one is a woman. Agile and quick, keeping Rey’s attention on her just enough to allow the Force-wielder to come at her relentlessly. It is a fierce battle on the grassy meadow. The flames eating on the shuttle eventually die out, and soon enough the only light that remains is that of blue and red coming from the clashing lightsabers.

 

Rey strikes, parries, and strikes again in quick Force assisted movements, trying to keep the attackers as far away from Ben as she can. She barely has time to glance at him and assess his condition, and worry eats at her with every passing moment. Because this fight is dragging on too long, and she has to put an end to it. But there’s two of them, and they are capable opponents.

 

Rey grits her teeth and wraps the Force around the woman’s body, pulling her directly on one of her saberstaff’s blades. But the woman brings her steel weapon down on Rey’s leg, and she has to backflip in order to avoid it. The Force user is waiting for her and strikes while she is still up in the air. Rey swirls and he misses. She lands in back of him. She kicks his knees, bringing him to the ground and runs her saber through the woman who is already bringing her blade down at Rey.

 

The woman stumbles and falls to the ground.

 

And Rey barely has time to register her death, because she too is tugged on the ground by the Force-user, and the next thing she knows his red blade is at her throat.

 

The man chuckles darkly. This sinister, distorted sound that raises the hair on her skin.

 

“Jedi,” he drawls through his mask. “Snoke will gladly send Skywalker your head. Along with that of his nephew’s.”

 

_ Ben. _

 

Is the one and only thought that crosses her mind as she clenches her teeth at the masked figure standing on top of her. That, and the unbearable feeling that she might fail him. She curls her fingers and raises her hand.

 

A crackle of purple light erupts in the night, and the masked man is shoved away from her. It was a weak and unstable spark, but it gives her enough time to jump to her feet. Rey falls in Soresu form - ready to face the assassin again.

 

But he disappears quickly. Swallowed by the shadows of the night without looking back.

 

Rey straightens her back and turns. Because she knows exactly where that Dark power has come from.

 

Ben is standing a few paces away, clutching at his wound with one hand, while the other one remains outstretched at the direction of the disappearing man.

 

He collapses to the ground.

 

“Ben!” She too falls to her knees and crawls to him, because her legs can no longer hold her up. She pushes his tangled hair out of his pale face.

 

“You never listen,” he whispers, his lips barely moving.

 

Her eyes blur and she breaks into a pained smile. “You’re too stubborn.”

 

She fumbles for his wound to see the extent of his bleeding, and only comes across wet sticky fabric covering his whole body.

 

“Rey…

 

She sets a finger to his lips to shush him, and he swallows thickly. His eyes burn with an unspoken need. But he is bleeding to death, and there is no time for words.

 

“Not now. Stay. And tell me later. Promise me you’ll  _ stay _ .”

 

He blinks lightly, but says nothing.

 

Rey sets her hands on top of the bloody fabric and closes her eyes.

 

She was never really trained in Force healing. It always required too much meditation and focus and Rey never had time to sit in one spot. But now she regrets it. She regrets every lost opportunity to learn and practice on countless of wounds, ranging from simple scratches to flat out broken bones. But she can’t just simply wait for help to arrive.

 

Not when it comes to Ben.

 

She reaches out into the Light side of the Force. It’s difficult to do, and the Light slips from the edges of her being numerous times because of the agony that courses through her veins. But she insists and  _ persists. _ Just like Luke has taught her. Relaxing the tension of her shoulders, and slowing down her breathing, and allowing herself to drift and become one with it. Allowing it to course through her, and into the body that lays beneath her hands, willing the severed tissue to be stitched back together, and the blood vessels to mend.

 

She allows herself to get lost in its Power.

 

Rey opens her eyes, not knowing how much time has passed. She feels drained and sleepy, barely able to hold herself together. She lifts her hands from the man’s wound and looks down.

 

A sob escapes her, in the silence of the night, and shudders wrack her body, another and another in rapid succession. She clasps her mouth and leans over the man, as the sobs clench and quake at her insides and rob her of breath, as tears stream down her face, hot and thick, and drip on the man’s clothes, drenched in blood. Rey cries like she has never cried before in her life.

 

Because the man lying on her lap has his eyes closed, but is very much alive.

 

And he is no longer bleeding.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey sobbing over Ben's body is a forever scene in my mind, and I pray we don't come across it in episode 9. It will break us to pieces. But in this story, she saves him (yey!) and we get to enjoy a bit more of their tense sexy moments together. Ooops! I think I dropped a spoiler.
> 
> My twitter account is @koderenn. Feel free to message me with questions or comments or anything that you want to discuss in the story. And not just the story! 
> 
> Riri19911 and Soloarey, a special thanks to you! And thank you all commenting and supporting this story!


	14. Reckoning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this is not going the way you think. Because I am cruel and heartless and like to torment you. 
> 
> But thank you all for your love and support!! It gives life and breath to this story ;)

He is in stasis for a day.

 

Everything has been officially dubbed a shuttle accident by his team, even though Leia Organa had been very much opposed to such a statement. Canto Bight’s largest hospital has watched over his recuperation under high surveillance, and has released him for secret transportation to Chandrila within a day. Ben is heavily sedated when he boards his ship, and very much so when he is carried to a room on the second floor of his parent’s home sometime in the middle of the night.

 

Rey has not left his side throughout the whole day.

 

She bites a hangnail on her left thumb as she watches over the physician who is assessing Ben’s vitals, and injecting him with some kind of medication that will slowly awaken him. The room is simple but comfortable looking and warm, with a large double bed, worn out brown furniture and a thick carpet in its middle. There are various trinkets, personal belongings and wall decorations implying that this room has very much been lived in, and Rey can’t help but wonder if it once belonged to Ben. A sofa with soft cushions and a large balcony overlooking a peaceful lake complete the picture. It is the warmest and simplest environment she has seen him in in a very long time.

 

The physician finishes his work with Ben, and turns to check her stitched up temple. He gives her advice on how to tend to her wound, which Rey completely ignores as her eyes study every little detail in the room. It’s not as if it’s her first.

 

Leia shows her to a room next to his, where she settles her things and takes a quick shower. But Rey can’t stay there. Not after all that’s happened.

 

She slips into Ben’s room sometime later, when all the fuss has quieted in the house and everyone is well asleep to check on him. Because Rey can’t sleep. She doubts she ever will again after coming so close to losing  _ him _ . He is still fast asleep, sprawled on his back in his big double bed. The curtains to his room are waving with each gust of wind, and Rey walks up to the balcony doors to shut them tight. He’s a restless sleeper, and will probably uncover himself sometime in the night. She knows this. Because he always did.

 

There’s a sigh in the room.

 

And she turns to look at him.

 

But Ben is fast asleep while she just stands there falling into pieces.

 

Rey can’t resist walking up to his bed. She sits next to him and brushes a strand of inky hair from his scarred face. Traces her fingertips down its length all the way down to his upper chest, where it seems to disappear.

 

The man sighs again.

 

Rey snatches her hand away. She does not want to wake him up. He needs to rest after all that’s happened.       

_ After… _

 

The images blend again. They twist and distort and become a strange mixture of black armored men and bound women. Of ornate rooms with chandeliers that turn into burning metal and shattering glass. Of consuming, burning eyes and glistening, pleading gazes in the night.

 

Rey rubs her aching head.

 

_ Too much. _

 

This has all been too much.

 

Ben moans, his relaxed brow furrowing and his body becoming tense. Rey watches him twist under the covers, and all of a sudden she feels like the nine year old that would wake in the middle of the night at the boy’s whimpers. She sets her hand on his forehead the way she always did - because old habits are hard to break - and watches his body settle quietly into the mattress after a few moments. But when she removes it, his eyes are open and looking directly at her.

 

“Rey?”

 

Rey panics, and with a wave of her hand snatches his consciousness and sets him back to sleep. Because she can’t deal with this.

 

She doesn’t know how…

 

Rey stands, rubbing at her eyes. They are swollen and stinging, and she knows she has to get some sleep herself, eventually. The urge to lift the covers and slip into the bed next to him, to wrap her arms around his broad body and give in to the warmth of his embrace is overpowering.

 

Rey clenches her jaw. She needs to pull herself together and put some kind of distance between them. Because he is too much, and she’s losing control.

 

Only, she doesn’t know how…

 

She glances at the sleeping man one last time before tearing herself from his presence. And heads for her own room.

 

 

Rey senses him when he wakes. She is in Leia’s large kitchen preparing caf for both her and him, because she knows he needs at least three cups before he deigns to speak to anyone in a semi-cordial way. Leia and the kitchen droid have already prepared breakfast for them, and she sits at a table by the kitchen’s main window overlooking a lovely green garden, sipping on her tea.

 

Leia must sense him, as well, because she glances at Rey worriedly from her datapad.

 

“I’ll go,” Rey says, staring at the ceiling as if she could see right through to where Ben is staying.

 

She heads for the staircase, fingers brushing lightly over the rail’s wood and eyes set high above, feeling his initial spike of alarm turn into fear, and then fall into his more habitual emotions of irritation.

 

He doesn’t seem very happy to be here.

 

Rey reaches his room and stands warily outside his door for a while, waiting for those emotions to settle. And then taps lightly on the door.

 

He looks absolutely haggard when he wrenches it open, with that black stitch running down his face, and the circles under his eyes a shade darker than they usually are. His stubble has grown again and his hair is all over the place.

 

He doesn’t say anything when he sees her. But he does stalk up to her, grab her chin and tilt her head to the side to inspect her own set of stitches on her temple.

 

“I’m alright,” she mumbles in his grasp. “I don’t even feel it.”

 

He releases her gently but remains silent. He turns around, leaves the door open for her to enter, and heads inside. That heavy pace of his, disappearing behind another door within his room. Probably the fresher.

 

Rey doesn’t know if she should be the one to say the first word. She’s not sure what it is that he remembers.

 

She goes to stand by the entrance of the fresher, crossing her arms in front of her chest and leaning a shoulder on the doorframe.

 

Ben’s upset. Rey doesn’t need the Force to see that. He’s already cloaked his feelings, but his movements are jerky and tense as he tears his shirt over his head and remains in a simple black tank top. He leans in to the mirror to look at his scars. His fingers drift to where the black stitch is on his face, but he pulls them away with a hiss.

 

He runs the tap of water and reaches for a toothcleanser.

 

“If you want a repeat of last night, I’m going to have to disappoint you. I’m only stripping to take a shower,” he says in a gravelly voice, looking at his reflection, but speaking to her.

 

Rey rolls her eyes.

 

“If I wanted a repeat of last night, I’d also have a death wish.”

 

He glances at her but doesn’t hold her gaze. He finishes washing his teeth and rinses out his mouth from the tap.

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“To see if you’re ok.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

_ Yeah right. _

 

He looks like a fucking shuttle wreck.

 

He splashes water on his face and wipes it with a towel, stares at himself in the mirror and works his jaw. And Rey begins to feel rather unwanted. As if last night never even happened. She wants to shake her head at herself because, seriously, what else did she expect from him?

 

She turns to leave.

 

“You don’t have to go, yet.”

 

Ben cranks a cabinet open, pulling out the most curious set of tools. Rey raises her chin to have a better look. “What is that?”

 

Ben ignores her. He proceeds to mix water to a powder and turn it into some kind of foam. Then applies it carefully around his jaw and lips.

 

Rey arches a brow. She’s never seen anything like this before. It looks very ceremonial and seems to take up much attention, she notices, as she watches Ben glide some kind of small tool down the side of his jaw.

 

“You didn’t answer my question.”

 

Ben flinches back with an expression of pain and brings his finger to a spot on his chin. It seems to be bleeding.

 

_ Well, that doesn’t look very safe. _

 

He curses and runs the tool under the water.

 

“It’s a shaving set,” he speaks suddenly. “It’s used to shave off stubble and beards in some less civilized communities.”

 

That explains the stubble, at last, and its appearance and disappearance on his face on a daily basis.

 

“Why don’t you use a beard suppressant like everyone else does?”

 

Ben flinches again, and another drop of blood appears on his skin. He washes the tool again and Rey notices his hands are shaking lightly. At this rate he’ll probably need to have his whole face covered in bacta by the end of the morning. She shakes her head and steps inside the fresher.

 

“Here, let me do this for you.”

 

“No, I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”

 

“You’re perfectly capable of covering your face in cuts to match the scar you already have.” She signals at him with two of her fingers. “Hand it over.”

 

He stops and looks at her with a clench in his jaw, seemingly very mad, but also very, very much on the verge of breaking down because his eyes are red and glistening. Almost - as if tears could ever gather in that cold gaze he’s giving her.

 

“You have no reason to be mad at  _ me _ , Ben.”

 

He works his jaw and returns her gaze in the mirror, trying to glide the blade on the scarred part of his face. But his hand is still shaking, and his eyes are glassy, and Rey just knows he’ll end up cutting himself. She reaches for his hand that holds the small tool. He’s gripping it so tightly that the tips of his fingers are turning white.

 

“Ben,” she says softly as she wraps her hand around his. He swallows, and his gaze drops to their joined hands.

 

_ He looks so scared. _

 

She realizes. And tries so hard to cover it behind yet another of his masks.

 

The second attempt on his life would have been successful if Rey hadn’t been there. There is no way that shuttle would have come out in one piece. And even if it had, and he had walked out of it unharmed, those assassins would have finished the job themselves. Someone must have known the Governor was at the party, unescorted by his Jedi. Someone had  _ planned _ this.

 

And Ben  _ knows _ this, too.

 

“Let me help you,” she nearly whispers, peeling the small tool from his hand.

 

He allows her.

 

Rey reaches up and sets the small blade at a spot on his jaw that still has foam on it, and glides it carefully and slowly, removing a strip of the fluffy substance. Just like she’d seen him do. She rinses it under the running water, and continues with another spot, being very careful not to cut any of the moles on his face.

 

It’s so strange how she knows where every single one lies by heart. She’s touched them with small fingers as a child so many times, squealing and giggling uncontrollably when he’d turn to bite playfully at her hand. But he sits so still now, under the blade, with eyes set intensely on her face. Watching her. Studying, perhaps, the changes in her own features.

 

_ Does he like the way I look? _

 

A little thought patters through her mind and drops down to the pit of her stomach. Could he ever find her even just a little attractive? She is so different than the women that surround him.

 

His breath comes out a little shaky on her hand as she lifts his chin to run the blade along his throat. He swallows again, uncomfortably, and Rey feels his arms come around her to set his hands on the sink behind. There’s still space between their bodies, because he is so large and broad in comparison to her, but the sensation of being caged in by him returns with a vengeance. Rey stops.

 

And his eyes drop to hers again. Dark and molten with unshed tears.

 

And suddenly his warm, large hands are on her hips, and his thumbs are rubbing little circles on her thin shirt over the jut of bones on her pelvis. And then, as if she weighs nothing, he grasps her and lifts her on the counter.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“You can’t reach me properly,” he says hoarsely, settling her on the counter. He steps closer and comes to stand between her parted legs. “This is better for you.”

 

Rey resumes the shaving under his unwavering eyes, trying to ignore the wild beat of her heart. “You never did tell me why you prefer to use a blade for shaving.” She says, trying to lighten the mood because she can sense how hard it must be for him to feel so out of control. All he needs is a little space to gather his pieces. Just like any other person.

 

It works. Because he curls the ends of his lips. “You really want to know?”

 

“I asked twice, didn’t I?”

 

"You did.” He huffs a little pretentiously. “Well, if you insist…” He hums in thought. “Let me see… I enjoy the glide of the blade on my skin as it takes away the previous day.”

 

Rey ponders on that for a moment.

 

“Well, maybe if you had a good day you wouldn’t want it taken away.”

 

“If I have a good day, I usually don’t have time to shave.”

 

Rey pauses to look at him. His expression is scandalous. She shakes her head. “You’re messing with me. What’s the real reason?”

 

“All right…” Rey tilts his head to the side to try and shave his scarred face. This will be tricky. But Ben doesn’t seem to be particularly worried. “How about this. I hate doing what everyone else does. I want to stand out.”

 

Rey smiles. “That’s more like it. Give me another.”

 

“Another?” He arches his brows in mock surprise, and Rey thinks she’s never seen him look so…so…  _ Stars, _ her heart wants to break at how  _ good _ he looks in her hands. “You’re a greedy little thing today. Let me think…”

 

One of his hands wraps around her thigh. And Rey feels her own hand start to shake.

 

“I like the roughness of my stubble at the end of the day. The way things _ feel _ when they come in contact with it.” She pauses again to look at him, not sure if he’s implying again something she should be aware of. But his gaze on her is unfathomable, and his hand on her knee large and warm and eerily still.

 

“Are you teasing me?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

The ends of his lips quiver, and his eyes break into a smile. And his expression is captivating and so,  _ so _ painfully beautiful. She can’t look away.

 

“It gives me time to face myself in the mirror on a daily bases. And weigh the things I’ve done,” he adds a little somberly. Rey doesn’t say anything, and he too remains silent as she runs the blade on the skin over his upper lip.

 

His hand slips slowly up her leg, and his thumb comes to caress the inner part of her thigh. Softly. Delicately. In soft little circles. Skimming over the fabric of her leggings.

 

_ Searching _ …

 

And Rey has to say something,  _ anything _ to steal her attention from his wandering touch.

 

“What kind of things do you feel you have to face?”

 

He looks at her with those dark eyes. And Rey knows, she just  _ knows _ she is already treading on dangerous waters.

 

“I’m not gonna judge,” she shrugs, trying to seem indifferent because she is just so  _ curious _ to hear what he is about to say. “Tell me.”

 

He licks his lips. But wavers for a moment.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.”  _ Stars _ , yes, she wants to know. She wants to know what he sees in that mirror. What it is that he feels he needs to face. She wants to know  _ everything _ there is to know about him.

 

“…My appetites.”

 

Rey pauses. Appetites? What kind of…  _ Oh _ .

 

Her heart reboots with a strong thud, and she feels her cheeks heat as certain memories slip into her mind. Rey looks away, pretending to be absorbed in rinsing off the blade. There’s only a little patch of foam left under his chin but somehow it’s the most difficult to shave, as the broadness of his shoulders and the muscles of his arms suddenly stand out so much underneath the thin tank top he wears. Rey should have just let him do this on his own. He’s the one who’s chosen such reckless ways to shave. She really doesn’t see why she puts herself in these situations and tries to save him from his own self.

 

She raises her hand to shave that last part off a little shakily, and as the blade glides down his throat, his hand wraps around her wrist.

 

“Thank you,” he says, rubbing those gentle circles on the inside of her wrist. He seems to like doing that a lot, and Rey would probably not have paid much attention to it in the past. But after yesterday… The whole world has somehow turned upside down after what she’d seen him do in that villa, and it’s just starting to creep up on her.

 

Rey feels her ears start to throb as the beat of her heart starts to pound painfully in her chest.

 

“…for saving my life...”

 

And that feral state he had been in when he came to find her, and feeling his hot lips kiss down her neck. Rey does not think she can be so close to him again without having her skin break into shivers.

 

“Rey…You were  _ magnificent _ out there.”

 

She snaps her wrist away.

 

His surprise is so sharp she feels it in the Force.

 

“Rey?”

 

He curls two fingers under her chin and leans in to catch her eyes. But she jerks her head away.

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

There’s an endless moment where she thinks he’ll grab her chin and force her to look up. But no. That’s not what he does. Ben steps away. And she suddenly realizes how  _ much _ he had been touching her. His legs are no longer pressing against the inside of her thighs, and his body is no longer cocooning her with his warmth. And Rey feels so vacant it makes her want to  _ cry _ . Something about him constantly has her on the verge of tears.

 

“I’m sorry,” he rumbles, confused after a moment. “I didn’t mean to upset you in any way.”

 

Rey slides off the sink counter, making sure not to come in any kind of contact with him. “I think I should let you shower,” she says coldly, “and get last night’s stench off your body.”

 

He stares at her heavily for a heartbeat. “Is last night what this is about?”

 

“No.”

 

“Is it?”

 

“I said  _ no _ .”

 

“You’re lying.”

 

She shakes her head adamantly, but her voice betrays her. “I’m not…”

 

“Then look at me.”

 

Her eyes snap to his before she can stop herself. Ben always has that power over her. He’s standing two paces away, with that dark gaze set on her and that black scar running down his face. Rey wishes she could say he looks daunting and mad, but there is something broken in the way he studies her.

 

“Was it the villa?”

 

_ Gods… _

 

“The things you saw?”

 

“Ben…”

 

“Was it  _ me _ ?”

 

“Please, just…”

 

“The women I fucked, or that I kissed you?”

 

“Stop! Just stop. Ok?” She raises her hand to her forehead.  _ Stars _ , doesn’t this man ever respect someone’s boundaries? Does he respect anything at all?

 

He studies her, flipping expertly through her emotions as if she is an open book. And Rey feels as if there is no place for her to hide anymore.

 

The storm of his search soon subsides, and he runs his fingers through his hair, tugging painfully at the ends.

 

“I won’t touch you again,” he states in the end. He sounds emotionless and detached. Rey hates how much his tone of voice reminds her of the Governor. “Not unless you ask it of me.”

 

“I will never ask you!” She pauses, wrapping her hands around herself. She looks to the side, at some tile that’s chipped at its corner. Because she doesn’t really mean what she just said.

 

He takes that one step that brings him just a breath away. And now all that’s left of Ben is completely gone.

 

“Perhaps not,” he says darkly. “But if you do, you had better be certain.”

 

And just like that, in a matter of moments and two heated words, everything they have built crumbles to the ground. Rey knows there is some kind of warning or threat behind his words.

 

He reaches over her to grab a towel, and backs away slowly. His hand drops down to the fastenings of his trousers. “I suggest you leave. Unless you wish to remain and watch me while I shower.”

 

Rey presses her lips tightly and shakes her head. “No.”

 

 “Good. Tell my mother I’ll be downstairs soon. I want to get in contact with Skywalker.”

 

She raises her chin and tries to mimic his tone of voice the best she can. “She already has. We wouldn’t wait for  _ you _ all day.” But it wavers just a treacherous bit at the end.

 

He doesn’t miss it. Nothing ever gets by this man. Because something softens in the way he stares at her.

 

“We’ll talk later,” he says.

 

Rey nods and hurries out of his room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Testosterone and emotions don't mix very well together. But I think Rey can figure him out a little better than me. Up to a point, of course. They are both very emotionally loaded right now and all it takes sometimes is one wrong word for a person to snap.
> 
> But the next chapter is a bit homey (as much as this story can be) and we get to explore some of the Solo family dynamics!


	15. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't much Ben/Rey interaction in this chapter, sadly... But I tried to make up for it in other ways : )
> 
> And this story has been graced with a steamy one-shot fic called Denial by @reylotrashpiler that will temporarily quench your thirst (even though I temporarily considered just handing the reigns to Forbidden over to her because she definitely knows how to make Rey happy!) The link will be posted at the end of the chapter.
> 
> And... Forbidden also has a moodboard by the wonderful @reysoloinbatuu! The link is also posted at the end of the chapter.

 

But they never get to talk later.

 

Because when Ben eventually comes down the stairs, with a mood as rotten as a sarlaac’s pit and his stomach in knots, he walks into a very loud and boisterous full house. He slows his descent as he approaches the end of the staircase, and considers for a brief moment to simply turn around and go back up to his room.

 

“Master Ben! So good to see you are up and around. We have all been looking forward to seeing you…” The mumbling subsides instantly at Threepio’s greeting, and all heads turn to look at him. “… and I have particularly been meaning to… “

 

Chewbacca’s whine follows, and the wookiee shoves the golden droid to the side and stomps up to where he stands a couple of steps away from the floor, enveloping him in a furry, tight hug before he’s able to make a single move.

 

The wound on his side stings like hell, and Chewbacca definitely needs a bath, but Ben pats him back a little more fondly than expected. “Yeah, buddy. Good to see you too.”

 

He whines again and lifts his paw to ruffle his hair.

 

“No. No. Chewie, I just washed it!”

 

_ Damn it _ .

 

Who knows where those paws have been and what they’ve done? He did come from Maz’s castle, after all.

 

Ben’s eyes dart around the lounge, in search of Rey amongst the people that have made themselves comfortable in his parent’s house this early in the morning. Some people from his mother’s team walk up to him to shake his hand and wish him well, Dameron nods his “ _ hey man _ ” from across the room, and one of his mother’s assistants steps up to him timidly to say her good mornings and hand him a datapad containing all the information he’s missed after dropping off the face of the galaxy for a day. She begins  to sum up, in a few sentences, the main events that have transpired while he listens broodily. He abruptly cuts her off after a few moments, in the middle of a report about how the new starships the Republic has purchased don’t match the order that had been given, because if Ben doesn’t have a cup of caf  _ now,  _ his mind will disintegrate.

 

He skims the crowded lounge for Rey again. But she is nowhere to be seen.

 

“Hey, kid! Good to see you’re in one piece.” His father walks up to him, giving him a gruff slap on his shoulder. It might seem nonchalant to any bystander, but Ben can detect those little things in his father’s expression that speaks tons about his emotions.

 

“I had Rey. She saved me.” He mumbles back, and his father smirks knowingly. Τhe only person who probably understands the gravity of what that means.

 

“Let’s get you outta here, son. You mother wants to see you.”

 

Ben wishes, somewhere deep down, that he had never gotten out of bed. He feels like shit. His body aches, and his chest throbs, and he hates the fact that he snapped at Rey earlier in the fresher. But she blew up at him out of nowhere. Despite the fact that he had been so very careful at touching her. So _ aware _ of her reactions.

 

_ A lot of good that did. _

 

“Are you sure you want to speak to Luke?” His father asks him as they enter the kitchen.

 

Ben purses his lips. The mention of his uncle’s name feels like a bucket of ice water down his back.

 

And that’s when he sees her.

 

Standing out on the patio, under the shade of a tree, speaking to a dark-skinned man that he has never met before.

 

Ben frowns.

 

The man seems on edge and slightly befuddled. Looking over his shoulder as if someone is about to creep up on him.

 

As if he is on the run.

 

“Who’s this?” He points with his chin.

 

“That’s the Stormtrooper I was talking to you about. Your mom wanted to meet with him and talk. She’s already spoken to Markus, Chandrila’s President, about the information he’s brought in.”

 

“What kind of a position did he have in the Order?”

 

“Sanitation.”

 

“ _ Sanitation? _ We have the galaxy’s fate in the hands of a janitor?” Ben clenches his teeth at his father. Have they all lost their minds?

 

“Hey! Take it easy. That’s what I thought too, in the beginning. But he knows what he’s talking about, and he’s a good kid. Listen to what he has to say and try not to scare him off!”

 

Ben scowls. “He’s afraid of his own shadow.”

 

“He’s afraid of the First Order, Ben.”

 

He slides his gaze at his father, who’s looking at him sternly. And then at Rey. Who is still talking to him and hasn’t acknowledged Ben’s presence at all. Ben scowls. He can’t understand what she finds so fascinating about this man. He’s only a Stormtrooper, for fuck’s sake. Who works in  _ sanitation _ .

 

“What’s his name?”

 

“Finn. Dameron named him. Looks like the guy had a number for a name all his life.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Ben could care less, actually. He watches him as he gestures wildly at Rey, obviously in the middle of describing something vastly interesting to her. And Rey…

 

Ben’s heart clenches.

 

Rey is gracing the Stormtrooper with the most radiant smile he’s ever seen. The kind that stretches from ear to ear and lightens the entire damn planet. Ben feels a little bedazzled for a split second because  _ Force _ , he hasn’t seen this smile since…

 

And then she notices him, through the kitchen’s vast windows. And that smile falters.

 

He holds her clear gaze. A silent demand growing behind it. A command for her to come stand by him. Where she belongs. But Rey looks away.

 

Something inside him grits its teeth at being shunned in favor of a complete stranger. A stranger who seems to be very much in the process of becoming another one of her “friends”. Judging from that smile.

 

Suddenly Ben doesn’t feel so sure of himself. She’s very capable of using that innocence as charm, unbeknownst to her. And he can’t help but wonder for a split moment if he’s the hunter.

 

_ Or the prey. _

 

He bristles in his spot, torn between stalking up to them and interrogating this guy himself, or simply punching him right in the face. The second choice sounds great, but Rey would probably not speak to him again till the end of times.

 

Ben decides he desperately needs a cup of caf.

 

Or three.

 

_ And another life, preferably. _

 

His mother is already seated by the table, discussing something with the holoprojection of a man in front of her. Ben squints at the morning light and shuffles to the caf machine to pour himself a cup of blessed, hot liquid.

 

“Well, look who finally decided to join us,” the holoprojection says, and Ben scrunches his face. The caf tastes marvelous, but hearing Nyxx this early in the day…

 

The man smirks at him. “How’s it hanging, asshole?” 

 

“Pissing all over the galaxy, actually.”  _ Prick. _ “How about you? Has it shriveled up yet?”

 

Ben takes a sip just as Nyxx sniggers from across the galaxy. “Currently exploring the Unknown Regions, my friend. But you might already know all about  _ that _ .”

 

“Boys!”

 

His mother looks a little exasperated as she hurries up to Ben to land him a kiss on his cheek. He leans over patiently, as she rearranges his hair back into place and removes some invisible piece of lint from his shirt before she looks at his face with watery eyes.

 

“My boy…”

 

Ben wants to roll his eyes. “I’m fine, mother. It’ll heal.”

 

“Well, of course you’re fine. You had Rey with you.”

 

Ben hums in agreement. No need to change her perception of last night.

 

“Now put that caf down and get some actual food in your stomach.” She switches to her usual commandeering tone. “We have a long day ahead of us, and I don’t need you any grumpier than you usually are.” She returns to her seat by Nyxx’s holoprojection, and Ben proceeds to take his place next to her with his cup of caf. Luke appears on screen, too, and he knows it’s time to get down to business.

 

There has been a second attempt on his life by Snoke, and Rey nearly died defending him.

 

There is no way in  _ hell _ he is allowing that creature to exist in the same galaxy as her anymore. He will find a way to crush  _ him, _ and his Order, and every damn Sith apprentice that walks this universe. And when he is done, he will scatter their ashes to the nearest black hole for them to decompose into eternity. Or so help him,  _ Force _ he will never find peace for as long as he lives.

 

He is that pissed.

 

“Ben?” His mother is regarding him with worry, probably sensing his vengeful thoughts.

 

“Let’s do this.”

 

 

 

 

The early morning rays slowly fade as the sun rises in the sky. The talks with Luke are followed by talks with the President of Chandrila and his Minister of Defense. And those in turn are followed by those with the High Chancellor in Hosnian Prime, and the Head of State in Kuat - and so on and so forth.

 

Ben has the most splitting headache forming sometime in the second hour of discussions - which only gets worse the moment the Stormtrooper arrives to fill in some gaps on the information they have.

 

Rey is not with him.

 

And Ben doesn’t want to admit how much that really bothers him.

 

He sits back in his seat - that suddenly seems too small and uncomfortable for him - and starts tapping his fingers on the table top.

 

The problem is that he  _ knows _ . He knows exactly the reason why she refuses to approach him. And he can’t  _ believe _ he’s allowed himself to lose control like that around her again. Of course she’d be trying to stay away after being fondled like that out of nowhere. Twice. Especially by  _ him, _ of all people.

 

Ben rakes his hand through his hair.

 

Perhaps it’s better that he vowed he wouldn’t touch her again. Her infatuation has been stroking and feeding his ego in the filthiest of ways from the very beginning, and those innocent little stares from under her lashes has had him reeling with  _ need _ . It was only a matter of time until he broke and came on to her. Hard.

 

_ And now behold… _

 

The aftermath of his actions. Him jerking his cock under the shower, with just the memory of her neck on his lips.

 

Ben shifts on his seat.

 

_ Fuck _ , what he wouldn’t give to have another taste.

 

His mother clears her throat at him and arches her brows. Ben goes back to listening to what his Minister of Defense in Coruscant is analyzing about their fleet’s ion torpedoes. But it doesn’t take long for his thoughts to stray again.

 

Because this is Rey.  _ His little Rey _ . Who pulled him out of a burning shuttle, faced three assassins all on her own, and nearly sacrificed her life to save him.  _ His Rey, _ that for one, single, terrifying moment he thought he’d lose under the man’s red lightsaber.

 

His heart had  _ stopped _ when he saw her fall to the ground.

 

_ And now… _

 

Now all he can think about is how her presence had graced his morning with little innocent, taunting explorations that she believed could get by unnoticed from his sharpened senses. Because Ben had been watching.  _ Feeling _ . Searching for Rey’s limits. It amuses him to know that she was so deliciously foolish enough to want to play with the beast inside the man.

 

Perhaps he should let her, he thinks.

 

_ Just a little _ .

 

But he’s vowed not to touch her unless she asks. Which is a bit of a predicament. Rey is so loyal to those sacred Jedi rules.

 

Does he respect her wishes and stand down? Does he go after her until she begs for him to part those slender legs of hers and wrap them around his hips?

 

Oh, how he wants to be the first to take her.   


 

Ruin her.

 

Fuck her  _ raw _ into his bed.

 

Watch those pretty hazel eyes of hers melt as she falls apart around him, powerless to moan anything else but his name. Think of anything else but his hard cock thrusting inside her. And  _ yes _ . Those slender little wrists will need to be bound. To his bed. Just to be on the safe side. Because he never,  _ ever _ wants to let her go again.

 

Ben shifts himself as the fabric of his trousers starts to get tight around his crotch.

 

_ The anesthesia must have really messed with my head. _

 

He wants to believe. Ben has had lewd thoughts about her on the outskirts of his mind before. But they are flat out  _ invading _ it now.

 

He runs his hand down his face and nearly hisses at the sting of his scar.

 

He knew he should have never asked Luke for help. His life is fucked up as it is. And now he can’t stop himself from dragging Rey into his perverse, decadent ways.

 

_ She doesn’t deserve this _ .

 

The pain and anguish that come with it.

 

And Hannah…

 

_ Fuck, _ how does he explain to her about Hannah? Chances are she won’t want to hear a word about her.

 

Ben wants to groan in frustration when his mother side-eyes him in the middle of her discussion with the Prime Minister of Corellia.

 

“…But there is no guarantee that this Stormtrooper has all the information we need to destroy a weapon of this scale. Perhaps negotiations could…”

 

“Which is why I am dispatching the best pilot I know to bring back more. Frederick. This is it. This is the threat we’ve all been expecting. And we need to act now!”

 

Ben rubs at his eyes, shifting on his seat once more and feeling very angry with himself. He has got to pull his  _ shit _ together.

 

“Excuse me for a moment,” his mother smiles politely at the holoprojection before freezing the image and turning to glare at Ben. “What’s gotten into you all of a sudden? This is important. If we don’t agree on a plan to take out Starkiller Base and then go after Snoke’s Mega Destroyer, we never will. Now pull your mind out of whatever hole it’s dwelling in and help me out here.”

 

Ben nods at her steely glare with a flustered face.

 

He reaches over to unfreeze the image of the Prime Minister. “We have everything we need to blow up this weapon,” he states heavily, tearing his thoughts from Rey and trying to concentrate again on the discussions. “What the Republic doesn’t have is a proper fleet to go up against the First Order Destroyers. That has been the problem from the very beginning.”

 

Luckily enough, he had foreseen it and acted accordingly.

 

_ There is no going back now… _

 

But the decision has started to weigh on him in a way he had not seen coming.

 

 

It’s late in the afternoon by the time the discussions end. Ben has spotted Rey under the garden’s oldest tree, performing forms with her eyes closed. He comes to stand by the huge balcony doors overlooking the patio, with his millionth cup of caf in his hand and the beat of his heart in his throat. He balances his forearm on the wooden beam of the door, and stares almost helplessly at her lithe body bend and flex under the rhythmic routine, giving an elegance and grace to even the toughest of forms. She has come a long way from wielding just a stick.

 

“She’s grown, hasn’t she?”

 

But Ben doesn’t tear his gaze from Rey at the sound of his father’s voice. She’s too breathtaking to watch under the setting sun filtering through the foliage.

 

“She sure has…”

 

“Have you two had the chance to catch up?”

 

Ben wants to laugh his heart out, because how the hell does he answer to  _ that _ .

 

“We’ve spoken.”

 

“Does she know about Hannah?’

 

“No more than she needs to.”

 

“What have you told her?”

 

Ben presses his lips at his father’s interrogation.

 

“That she’s my fiancée.”

 

“That’s it?”

 

 “What do you want me to say to her, dad?” He turns to snap at him. “What difference will it make?”

 

“Do you know how long that girl has had a crush on you? Inquired about you? And don’t pretend you never cared.” He shakes his finger at his face. “Rey is the best thing that ever happened to you.”

 

“Fifteen years ago!”

 

His dad gives him one of the sternest gazes he has ever seen. And Ben feels like he’s ten again.

 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed the looks you’ve given her today.”

 

“That’s absurd. What looks!”

 

“You know what I’m talking about, kid.”

 

Ben rakes his hand through his hair before he’s able to stop himself. While his dad is still leveling him with that stony gaze.

 

“Just don’t hurt Rey.” He warns. “If you’re certain about the choices you’ve made, don’t let her find out about your feelings. And I’m warning you, kid. Women always figure out the truth in the end. Always!”

 

Ben glances over at Rey, who is taking a break and patting the sweat from her brow.

 

“ _ Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you…” _ he says to the little girl huddled in the corner of a beaten down crate. She has dirt on her brow, and her hair is covered in sand. And she’s looking at him like a feral little animal about to attack. But he is curiously drawn to her. She seems to have the Force.  _ “…Here, do you want a ration bar? Are you hungry?” _

 

It might be a little late for that, Ben thinks. He has become really good at hurting people.

 

But maybe his father is right. It’s best that Rey doesn’t find out about Hannah.

 

 “I for one, am glad we double checked the Western Regions for the Falcon,” he continues a bit softer. “We would have never come across her otherwise. And who knows how things might have been without Rey.”

 

His father pats him on his shoulder in a way that Ben has always considered a rough goodbye.

 

“Are you leaving already?”

 

 His father sends him his trademark roguish smirk.

 

“Someone has to sneak the Republic team into Starkiller Base. And no one else is crazy enough to do it. Besides, you look as healthy as an orbak, no reason for me to hang around and irritate your mother anymore.”

 

Ben raises a brow at him. “Did you actually come all the way home to see  _ me _ ?”

 

“Your mother acted as if you were dying. Plus, it was on my way.”

 

Ben shakes his head at his father’s odd ways of endearment. “Sure… Takodana is just around the corner.”

 

Han Solo turns around to leave, but not before he sends him a quick wink. “It was good talking to you. See you around, son.”

 

_ Yeah… Yeah… _

 

Ben looks back to where Rey is stripping off her tunic down to her thin shirt. It’s a hot and humid day. Sweat is glistening on her skin, and the thin material is clinging to all the right places. She picks up her saberstaff to continue her forms.

 

He decides it’s a good time to walk away and head to his room.

 

And get in contact with Hannah.

 

Of course, he is unable to sleep.

 

Apart from his usual nightmares of blood and death. Of twisted Darkness and unsated hunger. Apart from the haunting voice that tears his sanity into shreds, Ben also has the uncomfortable stinging of his wounds to deal with. Which hurt like a bitch.

 

Not to mention his last discussion late at night with Hannah’s father. Ben was relieved to hear of the support their world will provide, despite the Republic’s temporary refusal to allow them in the Federation.

 

But at a personal cost. Because their ways are different. And his future has now cemented.

 

Ben groans in the stillness of the room. Rey has picked the absolute worst time ever to waltz into his life. With her bright hazel eyes and adorable little spring in her step. That endless compassion and deadly determination.

 

And that smile…

 

He’d turn the sun around just to have her smile at him like she did at the Stormtrooper.

 

_ I’m such a fucking idiot. _

 

Always getting himself tangled in situations that are way beyond his powers.

 

He throws the covers off sometime after midnight, coming to terms with the fact that he won’t be getting any more sleep. He grabs a shirt to throw over himself in case he comes across Threepio anywhere in the halls, because he doesn’t feel like getting pestered about proper dress code in the middle of the night, and pads out of his room and down the main staircase. He rummages through his father’s hidden stash of liquor, grabs his favorite whiskey and a tumbler, and decides to get wasted out on the patio.

 

It is supposed to be a warm, quiet night.

 

Ben expects to see a midnight sky and its glittering stars when he walks out. He expects to see the two moons reflecting off the lake’s still waters, and fireflies flickering in the garden, He expects the ruffling of wind over the trees, and the sound of night birds ringing in the silence of the night. He expects the humid, heavy scents of the forest mixed with the fragrance of Naboo roses to envelope his senses.

 

He expects to see everything he has seen and felt ever since he was a child.

 

But what Ben  _ doesn’t _ expect to see when he pulls out a chair to sprawl himself on and take his first sip of whiskey, is his most sacred adolescent fantasy come to life right before his eyes.

 

Because there is no doubt, whatsoever, that the figure of a woman is rising out of the sparkling waters, bathed in the shadows of the night and the silver of moons, and is stepping foot on the light sand.

 

Ben’s hand hovers midair, clutching the tumbler inches from his lips while he stares stupefied at the woman walking up the beach dressed in…

 

His jaw drops.

 

Because that slender body is definitely not dressed in much. The woman lifts her arms to wring out the water from her hair, and Ben swears he can see the drops sparkle down her neck, over the jut of her collarbones and down the soft curves of her…

 

_ Sweet Maker… _

 

The universe must hate him. And adore him at the same time, because he must have done something right to deserve this.

 

And that’s when his eyes fall on a pile of clothes scattered on the ledge of the patio, just a couple of feet away from him.

 

Ben Solo gets off his chair as silently as he can. He is hidden from sight because of a tree that casts its foliage over the patio, and he knows deep down that he should turn around and head back inside the house without alarming the young woman. Listen to his father’s words and not go chasing after trouble. Because that would be the right thing to do.

 

But Ben Solo does not often do what is right.

 

Which is why he carefully approaches the pile of clothes, eyes unwavering from the young woman making her way up the beach.

 

He bites his lip.

 

And snatches them away.

 

It is why he leisurely returns to his seat, puts his feet up on the table and lays the clothes on his lap.

 

And waits for Rey.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben, Ben, Ben... I swear this man's mind, cock and heart are all over the place in this chapter. What a mess...tsk tsk
> 
> Sooooo curious to hear your thoughts and wishes on what comes next!


	16. The games that break us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little note I want to leave about the previous chapter. There was this scene on TFA where Han Solo asks Rey where the Falcon had been and she tells him it was on Jakku, under Plutt and Han turns to Chewie and says that they should have double-checked the Western Regions better. So in this alternate universe which is canon-divergent really, Han and Chewie checked out the WR with Ben, found the Falcon on Jakku and along with that Ben stumbled across Rey. It turns out that this was so important because Rey not only helped Ben combat the darkness of his dreams, she also informed Luke about them and therefore stopped him from training further. And according to this story, prevented his fall to the Dark side and everything that came with it in canon. 
> 
> Also check out this beautiful artwork by @camminliu of Rey at the end of the chapter.
> 
> I'll quit rambling now. Prepare yourselves for some angst.

Rey could have sworn she had left her clothes on the ledge of the patio.

 

But as she approaches it now, she notices that they are nowhere to be found. Which is odd. It’s not windy. So there’s no way they could have been blown away anywhere. And she can’t imagine any kind of an animal taking them either. She hopes.

 

She sets her hands on her waist, blowing a strand of hair out of her face.

 

_ Where in the galaxy are my clothes? _

 

“Good evening.”

 

The deep rumble of a man’s voice makes her nearly jump out of her skin. Her hands fly to her bare breasts, and she squints in the darkness trying to make out the figure of the man sitting comfortably on the patio.

 

“Looking for something?”

 

Her eyes widen.

 

_ Oh, no…. No no no. _

 

 “What are you doing out here?”

 

“Enjoying the view,” he drawls, to her utter mortification.

 

Because what else would this man say on such a situation. His sense of humor is simply wicked. She is so thankful to that little part of logic in the back of her mind that had screamed at her to keep her underpants on before diving in.

 

Rey feels heat blooming in her chest and spreading to her face. “Did you take my clothes?”

 

He chuckles a deep, self-assured, throaty sound and brings a glass to his lips under what little moonlight filters through the foliage.

 

_ Bastard. _

 

She cannot believe this is happening to her. She could have sworn everyone was in their rooms for the night, sound asleep. There is no way she would have ever taken the risk to go skinny dipping in the lake if she knew someone was awake. And she did pass outside his bedroom to verify that he was asleep.

 

Only he wasn’t… Of course.

 

Because he’s so damn good at hiding himself in the Force. Rey wants to smack herself for her stupidity.

 

It infuriates her to imagine how long he has been sitting there watching her.

 

“Give me my clothes back, Ben.”

 

“Come and get them.”

 

She glares at the two moons, clutching her small breasts in her hands and feeling as if this is some kind of a cruel joke the universe has decided to play on her.

 

How could she have been so stupid?

 

“Rey?”

 

“What!”

 

She can almost hear the smirk in his voice. “Come here. I won’t bite.”

 

She actually kind of doubts that.

 

“This isn’t funny, Ben. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove with this.”

 

“Aren’t you just a little curious to find out?”

 

“No.”

 

She can see him shrugging in the shadows. “Suit yourself.”

 

A couple of moments tick by, where Rey really considers making a run for her room in the hopes she won’t come across any of the droids, or  even worse  _ his mother _ roaming around the corridors and raise strange suspicions about her midnight habits. Because that would be simply…

 

_ Damn it. _

 

She walks up the patio and comes to stand next to his seated form. He has his feet perched on the table, and he’s dressed in loose nightclothes himself. His dark hair is highlighted in silver, but his eyes are as dark as ever. He takes a sip of his drink without taking his gaze off her.

 

“I want my clothes back.”

 

“Good…” he croons. “Knowing what you want is always good. Now… Ask for them.”

 

“I’m not asking for my clothes. They’re mine."

 

“I’m the one who has his hands on them right now and can do what I want. So. Go on.  _ Ask _ .”

 

He is not making any sense, Rey concludes, feeling completely puzzled. And mad. And utterly embarrassed. If he wants to play some form of twisted game in the middle of the night, he’ll have to find someone else to do that. Because it most certainly won’t be her.

 

She raises her hand to snatch them with the Force, but Ben is too quick. He grabs them midair and puts them behind his back.

 

And gives her this look.

 

That Rey  _ knows _ \- even in this darkness - that it brings nothing but trouble. He gets off his seat.

 

“Ben?”

 

And approaches slowly, coming to tower over her. Rey wraps her arms around her chest, making sure nothing is showing. She feels her ears start to heat as well. Does he have to stand so close?

 

“Ben, what do you think you’re doing?”

 

He tsk’s and tilts his head.

 

“You’re a disobedient little thing, aren’t you? I would normally not let this pass but…” he taps her nose with his index finger and gives her a smirk. “I’ll be generous with you and forgive your little trespass. For tonight.”

 

“My trespass! Has the shuttle accident given you a concussion? You’ve stolen my clothes and have left me standing half naked in front of you, while you’re practically having a riot watching me get all worked up and embarrassed.”

 

“There’s no reason for you to feel embarrassed.”

 

“Are you listening to anything I’m saying?”

 

“Well, you’re obviously not aware of what I’ve been seeing.”

 

“ _ What _ ?”

 

He leans in just a tad bit closer. “You look beautiful under the moonlight, Rey,” he rumbles. “Forgive me for wanting to enjoy the sight for a few more moments.”

 

She blinks up at him. Feeling his words tumble delicately down her body and land down low. At that same place as…

 

_ How does he do this? _

 

Rey can’t help but wonder. Turn her world upside down with just two words. She’s the one standing exposed before him, but somehow he’s making her feel like she’s the one who holds all the power over him.

 

She narrows her eyes at him.

 

_ He’s so manipulative. _

 

And darts around his side to snatch her clothes again, but he beats her to it, raising them over his head with another one of his dark chuckles.

 

Rey stares helplessly at her stuff, bunched tightly in his grasp almost two feet over her head.

 

“Ask for your clothes back. Nicely. Or else…”

 

Rey growls in frustration.

 

She sees little fingers stretch up above, towards the towering teenage boy clutching at the little droid she’s assembling. ” _ Give it back, it’s mine!”  _ But the boy laughs his heart out and taps at her nose. “ _ Not unless you say please, little one…” _

 

“Ben…”

 

“Do it.”

 

It’s… So strange. How this makes her feel.

 

Ok. Maybe she will. Just because she is so curious to see what he’s up to.

 

His gaze feels heavy in the dark as it continues to regard her.

 

“I would like to have my clothes back.”

 

He shifts over her, crowding her in, reminding her how fragile she must look in comparison to him. For a second she thinks he’ll reach over and wrap his arm around her waist again, run his long thick fingers through her wet strands. But he does none of these. He doesn’t touch her. Just like he’d promised.

He licks his lips. “That’s not good enough, Rey. Say it again. Like you mean it.”

 

His eyes are on her, simmering with expectation. Waiting.

 

Rey contemplates her answer. “Can I have my clothes back, please?”

 

He smiles. That lovely smile that spreads to his eyes and works its way around her heart. He must feel very satisfied for some reason.

 

“That’s my girl. Yes, you may have them.”

 

He brings his hand down, sets her clothes on the table and plucks the towel from the top.

 

“I think I can do that for myself, thank you,” she says a little warily as she watches him unfold the towel in the air.

 

“I’m not finished.”

 

“Oh, I think you are,” Rey goes to grasp the cloth dangling in front of her, but his gaze stops her.

 

“Ben.”

 

“ _ Quiet _ .”

 

She flinches slightly at his tone of voice. Feels as if she’s being scolded for doing something wrong. He makes everything sound as if there is some kind of power play behind his words and intentions. Rey really doesn’t know what to make of it.

 

“Lift your arms up.”

 

Rey blushes furiously at that. He can’t be serious.

 

“Ben, you know I can’t do that… You’ll have to turn around in order for me to…”

 

“I won’t look.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I said I won’t look.”

 

“How can you not  _ look _ when you are standing right in front of me. Ben, please…”

 

His eyes shut, as if taking some kind of immense pleasure out of hearing her use that word. It looks... decadent. And a little thrill runs up her spine knowing that she’s the source of it. Rey makes a mental note to try it again in the future, and see if it has the same effect on him as now. Chances are it’s all because of the moonlit night and the shadows it casts over this strange, secret little game.

 

_ But you never know… _

 

Ben opens them too soon. And looks at her all stern and somber. But there’s this feeling deep inside them that Rey sees. This longing and sacred need. And  _ affection _ .

 

“Rey, I want you to trust me. I will simply wrap the towel around your body. I won’t look and I won’t touch you.”

 

This must be the oddest request any one has ever asked. But Rey can’t do it. It’s too personal. Too close.

 

_ Too dangerous. _

 

“Lift your arms up for me, sweetie.”

 

She looks at him pleadingly. Hoping he’ll somehow change his mind and stop playing this strange game with her. Rey knows that she could just walk away. Just turn around and go inside the house and put all this behind her. Not give it a second thought.

 

But it’s too late.

 

Something inside her is already hooked. Curious and drawn to this dark man and his odd, wicked games. He is so much like a petulant child, wanting and demanding things which are not his. Only to break them when he gets his hands on them. Out of boredom. Out of enthusiasm. It doesn’t really matter.

 

Because Rey is afraid of what will happen when he gets his hands on her.

 

She eventually does as he dictates, though. She can’t resist.

 

“That’s it. Now, don’t move. Just look into my eyes. I won’t look down. Trust me…”

 

Rey feels the soft fabric of her towel wrap around her body, and he ties it in front of her with daft fingers. And surely enough she hasn’t felt his touch on her skin. Just like he had promised. Part of her feels a little disappointed at that. His hands drop to his side, but he doesn’t pull away. He looms over her. Eyes lingering on hers.

 

Soft. Molten.

 

_ Consuming. _

 

And Rey can’t help but sense that something extraordinary is happening. Something she has no words to describe. 

 

“Ben, what is this?” She whispers.

 

“You don’t know,” he breathes out. “You still don’t know…”

 

No, she doesn’t. All she knows is that her heart feels as if it will burst.

 

“You’re so innocent in this.” His eyes roam her face. “So inexperienced. I forget the world you’ve come from at times.”

 

“You’ve come from the same world, Ben. We’re not that different, you and I.”

 

His face darkens at that, and his eyes dart a little anxiously. That disobedient strand of hair slips and falls in his face, and he looks at her from behind it seemingly at unease. In need to  _ hide _ .

 

“I’m not like that anymore…”

 

Rey lifts her hand.

 

“I think you are.”

 

 And touches it.

 

It feels so soft between her fingers as she brushes it away from his gaze. She sets it back in place, but his hair feels so thick and silky under her fingers and Rey can’t pull away. She explores. Allows her fingers to get buried in the silver and black, and he holds  _ oh  _ so still as she brings them down to his black scar. He doesn’t flinch in pain, but Rey knows it’s there. She knows a lot of it is buried in this man.

 

Her fingertips trail down the scar ever so lightly, all the way down to where it disappears under his shirt.  And suddenly Ben shifts, he grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs it off his head, baring the rest of its path for her to explore.

 

His chest heaves under her touch, the strong muscles taught from this unspoken tension that runs down his body. The scar on his left side is even more pronounced in the shadows. A wide crevice of fresh skin covering its width, the result of her own healing powers. Rey feels her eyes sting as her fingers drop to run over the rim of his scar.

 

“I was so afraid I’d lose you,” he whispers.

 

Rey nods fervently as a tear breaks through and runs down her face. He brings his hand up as if to wipe it, but stops midair, before clenching it into a fist and letting it drop to his side.

 

“Me too,” she says.

 

And then she does it. She timidly places her hand on top of his heart. Splays her fingers on the expanse of muscle. And let’s herself  _ feel _ .

 

The smooth skin and hard muscle.

 

The wild thud of his heart.

 

The delicious  _ ache _ inside it.

 

_ The care… _

 

Rey gets lost in them.

 

And suddenly everything disappears. Ben abruptly pulls away, breaking off whatever sensation was opening between them.

 

“I can’t.” He says hoarsely, clawing at his shirt in a hurry to put it back on. Rey feels as if she’s been cinched. “I thought I could, but I can’t do this…”

 

“Ben?” A shiver runs down her body. “Did I do something to upset you?”

 

“No, no…” He rakes his hair away from his face.

 

“Did I hurt you when I touched your scars?”

 

“No, it’s not that…” He runs his hands down his shirt, straightening the creases.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

He turns around, looking for his tumbler. He’s a mess.

 

“Ben.  _ Look at me _ !”

 

He stills, snapping his eyes at her. Her breath stops at how desperate and frightened they suddenly seem. She never thought she’d see him look so afraid.

 

“It’s Hannah,” he blurts out. “I can’t do this because of Hannah.”

 

And that name feels like a slap across her face.

 

“Hannah?” she stutters. “After all this time and all that I’ve seen you do, suddenly you remember your fiancée? I thought you didn’t care about her, that you didn’t…”

 

“Of course I care about her.”

 

“Then why? Why do you humiliate the relationship you have with her and…”

 

“I have  _ tremendous _ respect for Hannah!”

 

The night stills and time suspends.

 

His heated face is inches from hers, and Rey is this close to slapping him once more. Because how could he? How could he lie and manipulate and play games with people’s hearts, when all along he had every intention of crushing them without remorse.

 

“How could you?” Her eyes suddenly fill up with tears. “All this time you had me fooled. I thought that you cared. That you still knew how!” Rey shakes her head, laughing to herself -  because how could she have been so stupid around this man? So unguarded. “I have been so wrong about you. You play these foolish games that mean nothing to you, and lead me on to believe that they do. But you  _ lie _ ! You deceive me and you lie…” She hiccups a sob. “ …and you embarrass me. With no regrets! You have no idea how  _ ashamed _ I am, for feeling the things I do for you.”

 

His eyes widen at her words just as Rey wipes at the tears brimming at the corners of her eyes.

 

“Wait!” He reaches for her but stops again, inches from her shoulders with a growl of frustration. “Feeling what things?”

 

“Are you insane?” she spits at him.

 

“ _ Yes _ ! Maybe... Everyone says I am.”

 

“Get out of my way, I want to go inside."

 

“No!” He comes to stand between her and the entrance of the balcony door. “Tell me. I want to know.”

 

“I’m not telling you a thing. Leave me alone!”

 

“Tell me how you  _ feel, _ Rey! _ ” _

 

“No! Get away from me.”

 

“Say it.”

 

“You’re fucked up! Ok?”

 

“No that’s not it. That’s not how you feel.”

 

“I hate you! How’s that?”

 

He growls.

 

“Say it,  _ damn it _ !”

 

“ _I love you, Ben…”_ her little childhood voice says to the teenage boy fiddling with the components of his new lightsaber. Her heart feels as if it will combust and her small hands are fiddling with a piece of cloth. The boy looks up from his saber with wide eyes. “ _I will always love you,”_ she declares somberly. The boy cracks his wide smile at her, the one that always lifts her heart. “ _What’s gotten into you all of a sudden, you little dweeb? Did you watch some stupid show on the holonet_?”

 

He has his hands inches from her face, and his forehead a hair away from hers, but he is not touching her. “I have to know… Please…”

 

It splits her heart in two.

 

“You no longer deserve it,” she whispers.

 

She feels his breath fan on her lips. Maybe the softness of his own lips brush against hers. Rey doesn’t know. She just doesn’t  _ know _ . “Let me touch you, Rey,” his deep voice groans like a wounded animals. “Let me show you…”

 

It makes her want to cave in. It makes her break.

 

“You said you can’t.”

 

His hand slams the wooden beam behind her. Somehow she has backed up towards the patio doors without realizing. The cold surface of the glass is stinging her back. And his eyes are tearing her apart.

 

“ _ Please…” _

 

“No.”

 

He crashes his hands on the glass behind her, cracking its surface, and cages her between his arms. He writhes and shakes around her. A maelstrom in the making, on the verge of being unleashed.

 

His head drops to the curve of her neck and she feels his hot breath burn her skin in small puffs. She trembles lightly, blinking her tears away and clutching her hands into fists.

 

Staring at the two moons witnessing their downfall.

 

But he doesn’t touch her.

 

_ Gods have mercy _ , Ben does not touch her.

 

Rey waits.

 

She waits for the storm to subside.

 

Because it will. All storms do.

 

 

The two moons have drifted apart when he finally raises his head to look at her.

 

“I’m not in love with Hannah,” he finally says in a low voice. “And Hannah is not in love with me. It’s an engagement of convenience. For political reasons. We’ve made a deal.”

 

Rey should feel slightly relieved at hearing this. But she doesn’t. Her gaze remains pinned on the two moons. How insignificant this all must seem to them, she thinks. How trivial. To watch two people fall apart on earth from the safety of the sky.

 

She senses him swallow because he is so painfully close still, with those large hands splayed on the cracked glass behind her.

 

“This can mean anything you want it to mean. Or nothing at all.” He continues in a hoarse voice. He is coaxing. Stirring this thing inside her that will most certainly devour her whole if she lets it grow. Rey must not allow that to happen.

 

“It can’t mean anything, Ben.”

 

His head drops once again, for a moment, but it comes nowhere nearly close to touching her. He pushes himself away and looks to the side, biting at his lip. He nods. To himself. Or maybe to her as well.

 

“It won’t then.”

 

Their eyes meet. And Rey just wants to…

 

“ _ Hey, what’s wrong, baby girl? Why are you crying?” _ She buries her face in the boy’s chest, trying to swallow the sobs wrecking her little body. His arms wrap around her in concern. “ _ Did anybody pick on you again?” _

 

She looks away.

 

“You can’t be this way around me,” she says to him, willing more tears from brimming. “It’s not good for us.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And it would be best if we left this behind us.”

 

His chuckle breaks the tense silence between them. It rumbles in his chest and reverberates in hers.

 

“Ok,” he concedes.

 

“Can I have my clothes now?”

 

“They’re on the table.”

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Right.”

 

She shuffles her way to them and back again, coming to stand in front of him almost instinctively. He has his hands set in his pockets and hasn’t moved an inch from his spot. He’s staring at the moons.

 

“Ben?’

 

“What.”

 

She sighs. Rey knows he’s not ready yet. “Nevermind… I’m heading to bed.”

 

“You do that.”

 

“Aren’t you coming with me?”

 

He fixes her with that  _ look. _

 

Rey wants to swallow her tongue. “I mean, won’t you be heading to  _ your _ bed?”

 

He curls his lips, looking very smug. But somehow his eyes remain unaffected. Sad. “No, I’ll have a couple of more drinks and probably take a swim in the lake. I’ll be up for a while. You know that.”

 

She clutches her beloved clothes to her chest.

 

He leans in lightly. But stops himself before he gets too close. “Goodnight, Rey.”

 

Rey finds herself wanting to turn back time, to erase this whole wretched night. Every single moment of it.

 

_ Except one. _

 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

 

The wild beat of her heart when he stands this close.

 

She leaves him be with his sharp profile trained on the two moons.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guilty and awaiting your verdict *author peeks between fingers.
> 
> Also, I just wanted to share this with you. I have been listening to "Shallow" by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper a lot while writing this story. I love the simplicity of the lyrics and how it fluctuates from tender notes to dramatic in a matter of seconds. It reflects the image I have of Ben and Rey in this story very much.


	17. Hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Possible eating disorder.

He’s awfully quiet when he comes down the next morning.

 

He takes a seat at the head of the kitchen table, dressed in an impeccable black suit and with his dark hair combed back and falling in perfect glossy waves. He is freshly shaven and smells sinfully good and Rey practically buries her face in her large steaming mug of caf, inhaling a lungful of its bitter scent.

 

Because she cannot be _this_ affected by him already.

 

He settles in his chair tugging on the cuffs of his shirt, seemingly indifferent. Nothing betrays the agony of their previous night. But Rey knows better by now. Because when he looks at her, she feels the whole room shrink away.

 

And it physically _hurts_ to have him be so close to her.

 

Finn next to her is completely oblivious to their exchange, as he continues to crunch on his morning cereal. Leia Organa stirs her sugar in her morning tea, watching her son out of the corner of her eye.

 

“Are you leaving?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Staying an extra day wouldn’t be all that big of a deal, Ben.”

 

“The High Chancellor doesn’t have a day, mother,” he responds broodily reaching for his cup of caf. “He’s already on his way to Coruscant to meet with me. Markus, Frederick and a few others are as well. I can’t be late on my own planet.”

 

“You’re still recuperating from your wounds. I don’t think any of them would have been willing to run to meetings two days after nearly losing their lives.”

 

Ben sniffs. “I highly doubt they are in any condition to _run_ anywhere.”

 

Leia raises an eyebrow at him.

 

“Don’t be cocky about your age, young man. You still have a lot to learn. And thinking with the right head is one of them.”

 

He stills in the middle of picking up a small doughnut from the platter in front of Rey, those long fingers digging in the sugared cream. And glares at his mother.

 

He sets the doughnut on his plate smacking his thumb between his plush lips and lifting his cup of caf with those fingertips wrapped snugly around the porcelain. Rey never believed she would notice such small things about anyone up until now. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I _always_ think with a clear head.”

 

His mother raises her eyebrow humming accusingly at him. “That is not what you were doing yesterday at the discussions.”

 

“I am not having this conversation with you.”

 

“I suggest you start acting a little more maturely then. The galaxy is at stake, here.”

 

“You think I don’t know that?” He booms suddenly. Finn snaps his head up while Rey slurps on her caf innocently, trying to make herself as small as possible in this morning debate between mother and son. “You think I don’t _know_? You of all people should understand what I am trying to accomplish here, mother! You disappoint me.”

 

“Ben, I know…I understand the reasons behind all your struggles. The battleships you have ordered and your urgency to get everyone’s approval. I understand the reasons behind approaching the Chiss. Trying to make them part of the Republic…”

 

Rey’s eyes snap at him.

 

_The Chiss?_

 

“I _know_ the reasons, Ben. I understand them more than anyone else…” She wraps her small hand around his forearm. “But this alliance doesn’t have to be at a personal cost.”

 

Ben has made a deal with the _Chiss_? No one has ever been able to do _that_ before.

 

A feeling akin to dread wraps around Rey’s chest.

 

“But the Republic turned them down! What else could I…?” He stops mid-sentence pushing his untouched plate away. And rubs at his eyes. “Coruscant is a powerful ally for them. They have agreed to help us against the First Order. And track it down in the Unknown Regions if Snoke decides to go into hiding. They wouldn’t have done so if they didn’t see the benefits of this.”

 

“I wasn’t aware of that. Hannah must have influenced her father...”

 

“She has.” His voice is barely audible by now.

 

And Rey feels a numbness so bone deep that she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to stand on her legs again. Ben really _is_ marrying for political reasons. And has picked a very powerful but secluded and proud world to make an alliance with. One that he cannot take his word back from.

 

_So this is it…_

 

Rey swallows around a tight throat.

 

She had been so close to giving in to him yesterday. So close to letting him touch her or letting him…

 

Rey swears she never would have been able to come back from such a breaking point.

 

“Are you alright, child?” Leia says. She snaps her head up to see everyone is staring at her.

 

Ben’s eyes are on her as intense as always. And her heart is already starting to accelerate painfully at the mere thought of yesterday night and _damn it_ now her stomach is in knots and she can’t eat anymore.

 

“You have a little crumb on the side of your…” he gestures awkwardly at her while Rey watches him confused, “…lips.”

 

“Which lips?”

 

Ben stares at her and Rey watches to her dread his eyes smolder and his expression turn dark. “Which ones are you _thinking_ about, Rey?”

 

_Oh gods…_

 

She quickly rubs at her face with a napkin, looking away because she can feel Leia Organa’s hawkish eyes switch over to Ben.

 

Finn looks at her a little confused.

 

“You ok there, peanut?”

 

Rey nods with heated cheeks, digging her spoon in to her yogurt zealously. She can practically feel Ben’s heavy gaze on her following her every breath. But she refuses to look back. She refuses to let him know anything about how he makes her feel.

 

She looks at Finn instead with a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I think I have a bit of a sunstroke from yesterday.” He smiles back relieved.

 

There’s a clanking of a fork on a porcelain plate.

 

“So, tell me…Fonn is it?” Ben leans back on his chair in what seems like deliberate nonchalance.

 

“It’s Finn.” He corrects him politely but sternly.

 

“Finn. Of course… Do forgive me, I nearly got killed the other day from your ex-employer. My memory is still playing tricks on me.”

 

“No problem.”

 

Ben curls his lips. “Do me a favor, and explain to me how is it that a Stormtrooper who is working in … sanitation, was it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“…has such good knowledge of Starkiller Base and the technological specifications needed to bring down a weapon of such magnitude?  Because, call me overbearing or paranoid… it doesn’t add up.”

 

Finn straightens his back and Rey’s gaze sharpens on Ben.

 

Really? He wants to do this now?

 

“He isn’t lying,” She quickly rises to Finn’s defense.

 

“I’m not accusing him of lying,” he drawls. “I am simply _curious_.”

 

“No you’re not. You’re accusing him of being a spy!”

 

“Rey, its’ fine,” Finn sets his hand on her forearm which Ben doesn’t miss. “I can handle him.”

 

Ben chuckles darkly. “Handle me? Who do you think you’re speaking to, _Stormtrooper_?”

 

“Ben!” His mother interferes. “Finn is our guest. And I believe we have already established his credibility. What are you trying to prove?”

 

“He’s’ not trying to prove anything. He’s just being his usual arrogant self.” Rey looks at him pointedly.

 

“What I am trying to do is get to the bottom of what happened the other night, Rey. Someone knew I would be alone, and sent Snoke’s dogs to hunt me down.”

 

“It sounds then like you should be checking out _your_ immediate surroundings and leave Finn out of this. You know damned well that Finn had nothing to do with the attempt.”

 

He glares at her for a long moment before pursing his lips and tossing the napkin cloth on the table. He scrapes his chair back and gets up.

 

“Ben, you can’t be serious,” Leia exclaims. “Sit down and have your breakfast.”

 

“I’ve lost my appetite.” He grits out. “My ship should be here any moment and I have a lot on my mind.”

 

He storms for the door but stops a few paces before reaching it. He turns to face Rey with that stony façade she is really starting to despise. “The Stormtrooper will be joining Dameron on his mission. You are free to join them if you wish.”

 

Rey’s stomach falls right through the floor. “Don’t you want me with you anymore?”

 

“That is not…” he pauses clearing his voice and shutting his eyes for a split moment. “That is not what I _said_. I am simply giving you the option to leave if you no longer want to be… with me.” Something softens at the way he looks at her. “That’s all.”

 

Rey cans swear she can hear the whirring of a cleaning droid at the other side of the house.

 

“I want to stay with you…”

 

He regards her silently for a few tense moments. And nods.

 

Leia looks over at Rey, just as Ben hurries out of the kitchen.

 

“Is there something I should know about? Has he hurt you in any way?”

 

She shakes her head lightly. “No, ma’am. Why would you think that?”

 

“I know my son.”

 

“He’s been nothing but cordial towards me.”

 

Leia studies her with those intelligent eyes that resemble so much her son’s. She doesn’t seem to buy it. But doesn’t say anything else to inconvenience her. “Do try to look out for him, child,” she says softly.  “You’re my only hope.”

 

And somehow, the promise that comes out from her weighs heavier than any other promise Rey has ever made.

 

“I will.”

 

 

 

 

Rey does not get to talk to him much throughout the day because the moment they board his ship he is instantly flanked by Kaydel and two of his team with their reports at hand, filling him in on the latest developments in Coruscant.

 

Jeff walks up to her with his warm smile to greet her but her gaze remains glued on Ben’s tailored back, as he makes his way down the corridor of the ship and towards the Conference room. He hasn’t signaled for her to follow him. He hasn’t even looked at her since the kitchen.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“Yes, I… Yes. I’m fine.”

 

“Would you like to get something to drink at the ship’s lounge? I still have a few more moments to spare before the Governor, you know, decides to grind me with his questions. I think he gets worse by the day,” he laughs at that but Rey doesn’t join him. She doesn’t even find it funny.

 

“The Governor is under a lot of pressure trying to protect this galaxy from the First Order. Maybe you should cut him some slack.”

 

Jeff flinches but Rey finds herself not really caring. It’s not the first time Jeff has spoken badly about Ben and Rey feels guilty for having done so in the past as well.  Even in a light, humorous way. “Thank you for the offer but I don’t want to distract you from your work. I’ll be in the ship’s cockpit if the Governor needs me.”

 

His face falls and something cold emanates from him.

 

“Sure, no problem. I’ll catch up with you later.”

 

Rey watches him enter the Conference room, making a mental note to herself not let anyone from Ben’s team slide by, without at least skimming some of their surface thoughts.

 

The ship cuts through hyperspace as if it’s butter.

 

Rey has struck a conversation with the ship’s pilots and has even been allowed to fly the ship on her own. So she settles in the pilot’s seat excited to get her hands on such state of the art technology. She wraps her hand around the lever and a thrill runs up her spine. It feels amazing. The smooth sensation of the lever in her hand, the engine vibrating beneath it and the idea that she is in control of such a powerful ship…

 

 _His ship_.

 

It makes her feel…

 

Flustered actually. Because her mind is going to a place she is most definitely not allowed to think about. She jumps out of the seat and the pilot scrabbles to take over slightly panicky.

 

Rey tries not to look at that lever again for the remainder of the trip.

 

The trip does not last long, as expected. And soon enough, she is on Ben’s side walking down the ramp and onto the landing bay of what seems to be an important Government building. Coruscant lies in all its architectural magnificence beneath their feet, and Rey nearly gapes at the view.

 

“There’s no time for this,” Ben says. His face is stern and his hair is already starting to fall from its place. The telltale sign of him running his hand through his hair.

 

Ben is stressed.

 

Rey stands in his meeting a few feet away from him, with her hands clasped behind her back and her feet slightly spread on the ground. She stares impassively out the large window of yet another Conference room in the Government district, at the endless expanse of towers and domed buildings stretching all the way to the far horizon of what used to be the capital city of the Old Republic. The arguments are tense as a handful of main Core leaders try to decide on a plan to face the First Order. But personal vendettas and economic rivalries seem to get in the way.

 

Ben looks composed. It seems like he has won over the majority of the leaders, including the High Chancelor but there are still a few which seem reluctant to oppose the First Order and are pushing for negotiations.

 

From what Finn has told her about Snoke and the Order, the notion sounds ludicrous.

 

The meeting runs late into the night and an ugly argument between Ben and the Prime Minister of Correlia eventually erupts, with snide remarks and hits below the belt from both sides. Rey decides to shove the Prime Minister into his seat with the Force, after a particularly nasty comment about Ben’s heritage. Everyone regards her in shock, except for Ben who simply raises a brow at her before he goes on to threaten Correlia by saying he’d remove all of Coruscant’s banking branches from the planet. The Prime Minister remains seated after that. And silent.

 

The day has its toll on Ben.

 

Rey can see it in the curve of his hunched shoulders and the solemnness of his face, as they make their way down the long corridors of the Government building. She would have never seen the difference a few days ago.

 

The corridors that had been bristling with activity earlier in the afternoon are now practically empty. Just a late employee here and there doing late night work in their illuminated office. Their footsteps echo in the empty halls, the only sound heard besides the whirring of the cleaning droids. He remains silent.

 

And distant.

 

Rey boards a sleek black shuttle and sits across from him marveling once more at the view of the city. He sits quietly looking out his window, buried in his blacks with just the occasional outside light illuminating his face. She can’t bear to see him this way.

 

“Did you see the Prime Minister’s face at the end?” She comments in an attempt to lift his spirits. It works. A little. Because he sniffs in the darkness and she thinks she sees him smirk.

 

“He looked like a Gungan out of water,” he says.

 

Rey snorts and covers her mouth to suppress a giggle. “I thought he would burst when you threatened to remove the banks.”

 

He chuckles warmly at that and Rey can sense his gaze on her for a few moments before he withdraws and looks out his window again.

 

Rey decides to leave him be.

 

But the shuttle doesn’t take them to the estate like she had expected. Instead it lands on the small private landing bay of the top floor of a luxurious apartment building. Two of his security men are standing guard outside the main doors. The night is pleasant and the sky is quiet as they approach and Rey can see the tension on Ben’s shoulders slowly subside.

 

“Good evening, sir. My lady.”

 

“Good evening, Mike,” he acknowledges them and signals for them to fall at ease. “Damien.”

 

“Sir.”

 

Rey smiles at the guys.

 

“Is this yours as well?” She asks as the doors hiss open and a few lights turn on upon their entry.

 

He shrugs off his overcoat and tosses it on a chair. “Yes, it’s close to the Government district. I find it convenient.”

 

“So, I’ll be staying here with you?”

 

“You’re my bodyguard,” he mumbles as he moves further inside. Rey follows him, taking a look around the large apartment. It’s modern, unpretentious but very impersonal, composed mainly of sleek dark wood, metal surfaces and glass. Its decorations are few but impressive, definitely from some very expensive artist that’s popular at this time and there are a few paintings hanging in strategic spots adding color and balancing out the overall masculine simplicity of his home.

 

It completely contradicts him as a character.

 

He has disappeared without a word in the apartment and Rey is left alone to roam around the lounge, dining room and pristine kitchen and to further explore, discover and piece together this tempestuous man who wants to govern all.

 

She’s about to enter an office when she spots something that leaves her with a gaping mouth. There are a few framed sketches made with charcoal on white parchment hanging at the end of a corridor that leads to what must be the bedrooms. Rey wouldn’t have given them any other thought. No more than the rest of the artwork decorating his place, that is. But they are sketches of Luke’s Academy and its students, and in the middle of them all, there is a portrait of a young sleeping girl, with her face half buried in a pillow and her hand hanging of the side of the bed. And it is none other than her own nine year old self.

 

“Ben?”

 

Has he made it himself? It’s too accurate to be made by some random artist. It looks so much like her and… it’s hanging in his apartment. Her nine year old portrait is hanging in his apartment. Rey cannot wrap her mind around what this means.

 

“Ben is this…”

 

“You. Yes.”

 

He has emerged from one of the doors slipping on a soft shirt. He brushes by her barely giving the portrait a glance. Or her.

 

Then this must mean…

 

 _He’s thought about me_.

 

“You knew who I was when Luke introduced me to you.”

 

“I wasn’t sure. It wasn’t until you mentioned your last name being Jakku that I figured out what he and my mother had done.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

He enters the kitchen walking up to the refrigerator and opening it. It’s stocked to the brim with vegetables and fruit and meats and cheeses and all sorts of food that Rey can’t wait to get her hands on. But Ben only pulls out a bottle of food supplement, cracks it open and starts downing the content while making his way to his office.

 

Rey hates when he ignores her like that. He’s very good at ignoring her when he doesn’t want to answer a question that makes him uncomfortable. But Rey never did let that slide. Not even when she was young.

 

“What has Luke and your mother done? Why am I involved?”

 

He stills by the door and turns around warily. “If you haven’t figured this out by now, I am not going to be the one to tell you.” He states and disappears inside. “Make yourself comfortable and tell me what you want to eat. I’ll have a cooking droid prepare something for you.” Rey can hear his voice drift to her from inside the office.

 

She hates when he speaks in riddles.

 

“Aren’t _you_ going to eat?”

 

“I’ve got work to do.”

 

Rey huffs.

 

 _Stubborn oaf_.

 

Rey glances back at the refrigerator and feels her stomach give out a grumble of approval. They have not eaten anything since this morning in Chandrila, and Rey has been suppressing her protesting stomach for hours. Ben on the other hand doesn’t seem to be particularly affected by hunger. Apart from his foul mood that is. In fact, Rey can’t recall when she’s seen him have a proper meal. In Chandrila Leia was after his case constantly to have something to eat, while he stalked around the house with just a mug of caf in his hand.

 

Rey shrugs. If he wants to starve himself, that’s his thing. She’s hungry. And is most definitely invading that refrigerator for food.

 

A half an hour later, and after a good searching and rummaging through the spotless and never before used kitchen for the proper utensils, Rey has managed to put together a semblance of dinner. The buttered vegetables are steaming in a plate on the table, a fresh salad has been chopped up and sprinkled with oil and cider dressing, and she’s’ just finishing grilling two bantha steaks seasoned with spices. Just in case he changes his mind. The kitchen exhaust is on so when she feels a head lean over her shoulder to take a look at what she’s doing Rey nearly jumps from fright.

 

“You have got to stop creeping up on me like this.”

 

“What are you making?”

 

“What does it look like?”

 

“Don’t be a smartass with me.”

 

Rey removes the steak from the grilling pan, sets it on a plate and sprinkles some herbs on top.

 

“It’s called dinner, Ben. I’m starving and haven’t eaten anything all day. You might be satisfied with that stupid food supplement from your ridiculously large refrigerator but I need actual food inside me. So, if you don’t’ mind, run along and go back to your office to pester whoever you feel like you have to at this late hour, and let me eat in peace. You have barely spoken to me all day. Why start now?”

 

She shrugs past him, grabs a knife and fork, and settles at the table where the rest of the food is. She’s about to start cutting her juicy steak when she hears a screech and sees Ben sitting across from her. She tries to ignore his gaze on her and goes on to stuff her mouth with the delicious steak. She moans around the bite and nods to herself.

 

“This is really, really good.”

 

She has to admit she did a pretty good job even at this late hour.

 

She forks some lettuce and adds it in her mouth as well chewing happily despite Ben’s indiscernible gaze set on her.

 

“Do you want some?” She reluctantly asks him around a full mouth. She really hopes not because she’s very hungry.

 

He shakes his head no. But still watches her unwavering from his spot. Rey doesn’t know what to make of him at times. “Aren’t you hungry at all?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then why don’t you eat?” She gestures at the food splayed on the table with her fork.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Rey stops chewing and looks at him. Those dark eyes of his are regarding her as if _she_ is something he would have for a meal. Rey tries to brush it aside. She knows how dangerous it can be to play games around this man.

 

“Ben, I’m serious.”

 

“As am I.”

 

“Are you allergic to food?”

 

He cracks that smile and looks to the side.

 

“Your mother has been after you to get something to eat back at your home.”

 

“She’s always after me about something.”

 

“It’s called _concern_.”

 

He fiddles with her glass twirling it between his long fingers and avoids to look at her. Rey stuffs a steamed vegetable in her mouth and chews pensively.

 

“Do you live alone?”

 

“I don’t like company. Not unless I _seek_ for it.”

 

There’s that look again.

 

Rey pauses feeling her bite drop to her stomach like lead. She pushes her plate away and wipes at her mouth. “I don’t want to impose.” She goes to stand up.

 

“ _No!_ ”

 

But stops.

 

“I don’t mind _you_. I never minded you... Please. Sit.”

 

Rey does as he says but feels this conversation is becoming very difficult to handle. She doesn’t want a repeat of last night but she can’t just stay with him without clarifying certain things. The last thing she needs is to come across his fiancée one jolly morning as she walks out of the fresher or some random woman. It makes her stomach twist in on itself and suddenly Rey is not that hungry.

 

“Doesn’t… Hannah come to see you? Don’t the two of you spend time together? You’re supposed to be getting married in…” Hell, when are they supposed to be getting married? Rey doesn’t even know that.

 

“A month,” He mumbles raking his hand through that hair. He makes it seem as if it’s a death sentence. And maybe in a sense it is.

 

 _For us_.

 

The traitorous little thought slips in her mind before she’s able to stop it. And her chest clenches painfully.

 

_Only a month._

 

“Hannah and I have a deal,” he begins running his index finger around the hem of her glass. “Her father is the head of the Chiss’s Aristocra. She helps me gain her father’s trust, and I give her a way out of her society that she so desperately wants. Our marriage is the ticket.”

 

“But it’s still a marriage you don’t want.”

 

“Don’t sound like my mother. You’re not here to question the decisions I make.” He scrambles off his chair nearly knocking it to the ground. “We don’t know the military capacity of the First Order. The Republic has to be prepared for the worst! And if the Republic is not aware of this, I have to do something about it.”

 

“Ben…”

 

He turns his back to her and sets his hands on the kitchen counter. His rough breathing the unmistakable evidence of the anxiety coursing through his body.

 

Rey suddenly thinks she understands. Understands the reasons behind his solemn demeanor and his quick to rise temper. His sleepless nights and the loneliness that plagues him. His search for pleasures of the flesh. For power. The insatiable need to control and dominate over everyone. His constant want for things he cannot have.

 

His _hunger_.

 

Rey believes all these things are interconnected somehow in this man. And it will be excruciatingly hard to unravel them and bring them to the light. He might not even be aware of them himself. He might not know how to handle them.

 

_He doesn’t eat._

 

She realizes all of a sudden. Ben barely eats… She quickly flips back to all the times she’s been with him. The Senate, his ship, Canto bight. Chandrila. The way he’s watched her eat the simplest of foods with burning eyes. When all she has seen him eat in turn are a few bites. Is he punishing himself? Who knows what other strange habits have risen from this overwhelming weight on his shoulders. Rey wonders if Ben is striving for more than just protecting the Republic.

 

If he’s trying to uphold his legacy.

 

Or to burn it to the ground.

 

Rey rubs at her forehead.

 

This is a lot more difficult then protecting him from Snoke. Were Leia and Luke aware of all this when they called her in?

 

She glances at him. He still has his back turned to her and his head dropped.

 

Rey slips off her chair. She takes her plate and fork and lightly walks towards him. He doesn’t move when she climbs on the kitchen counter next to him with her plate on her lap.

 

“Ben?”

 

“Rey, I can’t fight you too, in all this.”

 

“I know.”

 

Can she do this?

 

She raises her fork towards him. There’s a piece of buttered green vegetable on its tip.

 

“I think I should have put a little more salt. But I’m not sure. And it might be slightly overcooked now that I look at it.”

 

He slides his eyes at the fork.

 

“It looks fine.”

 

She slips it in her mouth and moans a little at its taste. His gaze remains on her and she thinks she sees it simmer a little. She forks a piece of meat. And points it at him.

 

Can she help him deal with his own self?

 

“I think this definitely needs salt. Can you tell me what you think? _Please?”_

 

He stares at the bite seemingly in battle with himself. But sure enough after a long moment of hesitation he leans in, opens his mouth slightly and wraps his lips around the tip of the fork. He peels back chewing.

 

“Don’t be in a hurry,” she says. “Savor the taste. I can wait.”

 

She forks two more vegetables and points them his way as well.

 

Will she be able to walk away from him when the time comes?

 

“Try these with the steak. I think it brings out the taste better. It must be the butter in them.”

 

He nods taking that into his mouth as well.

 

He looks at her and somehow Rey senses that he knows what she is up to. But there is no anger behind those soulful eyes. Just sadness. Infinite sadness and acceptance. Probably of his fate.

 

Rey feels her eyes start to sting.

 

She should probably look away and not let him see, but she can’t.

 

He swallows and is about to say something to her but Rey lifts her hand to caress his scarred face. He closes his eyes at the sensation and leans into her touch. Rey doesn’t know if she will have an undamaged piece of her heart left at the end of all this.

 

“Don’t say anything…” She whispers. “Just eat.”

 

No. She most definitely won’t.

 

The soft flesh of his tongue appears, licking a drop of sauce from the corner of his lips. It disappears in an instant but it leaves Rey staring at him with bated breath and her insides clenched in a _want_ she cannot name _._

 

He lifts those dark eyes to look at her.

 

There’s a loud clatter as the plate slips from her lap to the floor. And Rey scurries off the counter and rushes down the hall to one of the bedrooms. He calls out her name but she shuts the door behind her with a heaving chest. Her knees feel week and her head alight and she slides down on the floor in a tangle of limbs and emotions.

 

And prays. 

 

Prays that this door will be enough to keep her from seeking out those lips herself.

 

 

 

The Chiss and the [link at Wookiepedia](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Chiss/Legends)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did do a little research about the Chiss but I can't say that I am super confident about my knowledge in this. So if any mistakes are made, do point them out. In case you are not aware who the Chiss are, I have the Wookiepedia link at the end of the chapter.
> 
> And yes, Hannah is a Chiss. 
> 
> I'm open to discussion about Ben's eating habits if anyone wants to comment on that. These topics are always prickly. I consider him as the type who can't eat when he's under pressure. Because, you know, he's a big boy! 
> 
> Oh and 'Denial' by @reylotrashpiler was definitely referenced to ;)
> 
> Thank you all for your amazing support in this fic, that's becoming a little hard even for me to tackle at times!


	18. To see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben returns the favor. In his very unique and unconventional way. ;)

“ _Open the door, Rey.”_

 

She stares at her little self in the mirror in front of her with wide, horrified eyes. She should have never tried to cut her hair all on her own. How will she ever able to face anyone again? “ _I promise I won’t laugh…”_

 

But there is nothing to laugh about now.

 

Rey shuts her eyes as she hears the voice outside her door. She sits on the floor with knees drawn to her chest, wanting nothing more than to reach out and do as he says. Only she can't. Her mind and logic and anything dignified left in her plead for her to be strong. Not to give in.

 

"Have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable? Because I wasn't aware…"

 

"No" she turns her head towards Ben’s muffled voice. "It's not…that."

 

"Then there's no reason for you to hide. Open the door."

 

"I can’t…"

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I can’t! Go to your office. Finish your work."

 

"I'm not going anywhere until you open this door.”

 

"You're being stubborn."

 

“And you’re being childish!”

 

Yeah, maybe. Rey can’t remember sitting huddled like this in ages, feeling as if her chest is about to go super nova on her. Yet here she is. Watching the very core of her crumble in on itself.

 

“Rey, just…” There’s a long pause and then a light thump on the metal door, "...let me in."

 

But that's just it. She can’t let him in. She won’t know how to let go of him again.

 

She sighs, letting her head fall back against the wall. "Ben…"

 

Another pause before the timber of his voice lowers. Becomes rich and smooth.

 

"Baby girl…don’t do this." 

 

Spreading like balm on her insides.

 

She presses her fingers to her eyes and thumps her head against the wall. How has she allowed this to happen? Let herself be dependent on the shifting of his voice. Allowed his desires and petulant wants to bleed into her, make her bend and twist to his every whim. This isn’t her. This isn’t the strong Jedi she has worked so hard to become.

 

All she longs for these days is to be in his presence. Breathe the same air as him. Feel his dark eyes on her. Rey wants to laugh at this cosmic joke.

 

She cannot resist him.

 

She is _doomed_.

 

Rey gestures with the Force and the door hisses open. He steps inside cautiously and his gaze falls on her folded figure. He stands before her, this giant of a man casting his shadow upon her.

 

“What are you doing on the floor?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing?” She wipes at her welling tears because, seriously, how much lower can she stoop.

 

His face is solemn and he’s looking at her as if he wants to chide her for doing something incredibly stupid. It makes her want to burry herself from shame.

 

“Get up.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said get up. You’re better than this.”

 

She side eyes him. “Ben, go away. I don’t feel like being lectured on…”

 

“Don’t argue with me.”

 

Rey looks to the side. She really, really wishes he would just go away and let her be. Let her crawl into some dark hole and lick at her wounded pride. Instead of hovering over her, ready to drag her out of her wretched hiding place from the very roots of her hair, judging from the expression on his face.

 

She clenches her jaw and gathers the remains of her pride. She slowly gets off the floor. She smooths away the folds on her shirt, straightens her body and raises her chin. And avoids, like _hell_ , to look at him in the process.

 

“Why did you run away?”

 

“I didn’t _run_ away… I just, merely felt like I should just… leave you on your own for a bit because you seemed so… distressed.”

 

“You’re joking, right?”

 

“I… no.”

 

He doesn’t say anything back and she darts a quick glance at him to gauze his reaction. Which she immediately regrets because he’s studying her with that _look_ that does makes her want to run away.

 

“Rey.”

 

_Gods that voice…_

 

She senses him take a step closer. “You know there is no point in hiding anymore,” he says.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She takes a step back. Better keep her distance from him.

 

“Are you intimidated by me?” He asks a little surprised.

 

She scoffs. “No.” It’s a silly notion, really.

 

“Do I make you feel uncomfortable?”

 

A pause. “At times.” Might as well be honest.

 

“Which times?”

 

She darts her eyes in his direction. His eyes on her are intense and very, very hard to read. “Like, right now.”

 

He stills. And whatever concern was written on his features is replaced by something darker.

 

“Do you know why?”

 

She wraps her arms around herself and stares at the patterned designs of the carpet. “It’s not important.”

 

“ _Isn’t it_?”

 

He approaches her again and Rey steps back only to feel the wall against her back.

 

“What’s important for you then?”

 

“I am a Jedi. I wield the Light side of the Force to help bring peace and justice to the galaxy. ”

 

“Is that all you are? All that you want?”

 

Why does his tone of voice sound so _foreboding_?

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

He tilts his head playfully and looks at her like a cat would look at a mouse. And she definitely feels like one, now that her heart starts to patter against her ribcage so quickly. He crowds her in, no doubt wishing to dig his claws in to her.

 

 “Than what is it that you want from _me_ , Jedi?” She can almost hear him purr. “Why does your pulse rise and breath quicken when you’re around me? Why do you let your _want_ for me seep into the Force?”

 

She shakes her head, tries to look away. “I do no such thing…”

 

“Ah but you do…” he leans in even closer. “It’s already seeping through your underclothes.”

 

She swivels to face him all red-faced and appalled. Ready to shove him across the room if she has to. But he pulls away, satisfied with the reaction he got from her.

 

“You’re attracted to me,” he states simply, as if this is some kind of stupid experiment. And he has just gathered the results he has been seeking. “There is nothing wrong with that.”

 

“I don’t give into basal instincts,” she grits. But he isn’t deterred.

 

“When you’re tired, you go to sleep,” he says. “When you’re hungry, you eat. It’s just like any other instinct. There is no reason for you to be ashamed of it. Don’t repress it. Control it.”

 

She points her finger at him. Because how _dare_ he speak of control when his lowly impulses and devastating emotions wreck everything that’s worth saving in him.

 

“ _You_ shouldn’t talk.”

 

He takes a step back. But not because he feels threatened in any way.

 

“I don’t want you to be like me, Rey,” he says softly. And there is something heartbreakingly vulnerable in the way he says it. “I want you to be _better_.”

 

He back steps towards the room’s dressing table. It’s a large, solid piece of furniture made of dark ebony wood, with a large mirror accompanying it that takes up a good part of the wall. He stands before it, looking at her.

 

“Come here,” he dictates. “There’s something I want to show you.”

 

It’s almost funny how easily her body obeys.

 

He extends his hand, gesturing for her to come stand in front of the mirror as he towers behind her, his tall broad frame a striking contrast to her slender almost delicate figure. Rey feels her senses scream in warning. Because the way his eyes burn behind that serious expression on his face, are dangerous, and should not be taken lightly.

 

“Look… What do you see?”

 

 She attempts to move away, warily. “I don’t want to play any more games with you.”

 

“This is no game.” He catches her eyes in the mirror.

 

She wills her features into indifference. Ok, fine. _Whatever_.

 

“I see you. And me.”

 

He brings his head over her shoulder, not for a second releasing her reflection. “Do you want to know what I see?” He rumbles. His voice courses through her body making every nerve ending thrum with some kind of anticipation.

 

She tries to quench it. Refuse its very existence.

 

“I can see the innocent little girl you used to be. Resilient. Strong. And with the most beguiling of smiles…” he says softly. “Do you remember?”

 

It is the last thing she expects to hear from him, and she is completely unprepared for that pang of nostalgia that settles achingly in her chest. Rey blinks, feeling her eyes blur.

 

“I can see the powerful Jedi you have become,” he continues with what sounds like reverence. “True and noble to your beliefs but fierce and deadly at the same time. A fighter that tries to save me in more ways than one.”

 

Her throat tightens and her heart starts to pound. She turns her head lightly to look at him because his voice sounds so thick. Does he really believe what he says? She wonders. Is this what he thinks of her? Truly thinks of her?

 

But Ben is still staring at their joined reflection.

 

“I can see…” he trails off.

 

He shifts behind her and his façade starts to crack. Rey looks back at the mirror with this emotion that’s starting to run rampant in her chest.

 

“I can see the beautiful woman you hide so deep inside you. Clever and charming and struggling to be released. You don’t realize your potential… You don’t let yourself rise.”

 

Ben speaks with such intensity, such captivating passion that Rey can’t take her eyes of him. His hands come to hover over the curve of her shoulders, a hair away from touching her. She can feel the heat radiate on her skin.

 

“You are such a beautiful woman, Rey, and you hide behind the warrior. You consider your femininity a weakness when it is in fact the nature of your strength. If being a warrior is all you want for yourself. If this is the life you want to live, that’s fine…” He pauses almost as if he waits for a response. But she is unable to give one.

 

He leans in lightly, almost as if emboldened by her silence, roaming those dark eyes over her body. Tugging at her restrains. Willing them to _snap_. “But you can’t tease me and touch me and look at me the way you do, and expect me to be unaffected. You don’t realize what you do to me…” 

 

He stops and slides his gaze back up to her face.

 

Rey realizes she cannot breathe.

 

“You don’t realize the things you make me _feel_ …”

 

He turns his head to look at her and Rey does the same. His face is so close and those lips just a breath away. Rey feels like she would do anything to just have a taste of them. Just for a moment. A heartbeat of her life.

 

But he doesn’t grant her that. She leans in just as he moves away and stares back at the mirror.

 

“I want you to see how breathtaking you are.  I want you to see what I see.”

 

She blinks at him powerless.

 

“I won’t hurt you,” he continues hoarsely. “I won’t touch you and I won’t hold you back if you wish to leave. Do you understand?”

 

Rey nods.

 

“Say it.”

 

“I understand.”

 

“Good.”

 

He takes a small step back.

 

“Turn and face the mirror.”

 

“What?”

 

He tuts. “No questions. No talking. Do as I say.”

 

She looks at their joined images again. Waits wide-eyed.

 

His hands rise and his fingers thread in the buns of her hair, removing the binders slowly. Almost ceremoniously. And she watches it fall on her slim shoulders wave after wave after wave in some kind of liberating notion or strange seductive undertone. It’s hard to tell.  He looks at her, face pressed lightly on her chestnut strands.

 

“Remove your belt.”

 

Rey hesitates for a moment hands hovering over the fastenings of her belt but she empties her mind and does as he commands. He’s promised not to hurt her. And she is free to leave whenever she wants.

 

But she chooses to remain in his presence…

 

There’s a light thud as her belt falls to the floor.

 

“Now, your arm wraps. Slowly.”

 

Rey realizes what he wants her to do. Like that night by the lake. No objections. And it’s a strange thing this sensation she has, of being completely free and yet wanting to be chained to him.

 

She hears him voice articles of clothes one by one, pronouncing every syllable of them with perfect clarity, while she removes them with trembling hands and burning cheeks. She can feel her skin break into goosebumps when the cool air of the room clashes with his simmering gaze on her newly exposed skin, and Rey stands in front of the mirror in just her breast wrap and under clothe.

 

His voice is raspy when he commands her to take them off.

 

Rey hesitates again and reaches out to him with the Force. She expects him to snap shut but realizes to her surprise that he is leaving himself wide open. Allows her to sense him. His thoughts, his desires, his _want_.

 

There’s a light tremble coursing down her body when she stands bare, and Rey finds herself wanting to cover herself from his unwavering gaze.

 

“No.” He simply says. “I want to see all of you.”

 

Her arms fall to her sides and Rey watches the quick rise and fall of her chest in the mirror. Awaiting nervously his next words.

 

“Now, put your fingers between your legs.”

 

Her breath hitches.

 

His lips are next to her ear and his commands come out as a breath. “I want you to run them along the wetness of your cunt and find that sweet spot that will make your body clench and knees go week, and I want you to circle it and rub it until you can barely stand.”

 

Rey realizes how throbbing and wet she already is. How right he had been all along about her body’s reaction to him, without even laying a single finger on her. His eyes are fixed on her and she does exactly as he tells her to do, with a mind too numb to conjure any coherent thought. Her hand slips between her folds, as if she’s in a dream, and her body jolts at the sensation.

 

“That’s my sweet girl… ”

 

Rey swallows as his eyes sweep over her frailness, as they consume her naked vulnerability and _come alive_.

 

“Touch yourself, Rey… Touch your body in all the ways you will never allow _me_ to touch you for myself.” He demands.

 

Rey shuts her eyes feeling embarrassed. But the way he says those words. The desperation hidden in his voice and this _need_ that emanates from him it makes her feel…

 

She circles her fingers around that sensitive spot and he moans, he actually moans _himself_ at the tingling sensation coursing deep inside her. She repeats the motion, again and again feeling this heaviness build down low. And all the while he watches dutifully, collecting her whimpers one by one as if they belong to him.

 

“Faster, Rey. Do it faster for me.”

 

She does as he demands. Because, _stars,_ how could she not.

 

“Harder, baby girl.”

 

Rey obeys with a near sob. She glances at his reflection from hooded eyes just as his tongue licks at his lips. He looks as if he is absolutely _starving._

 

 _“_ Now bury a finger deep inside you, Rey, get it slick enough so that you can…” His head dips in her shoulder and his hands hover over her thighs. She can feel his soft hair caress her skin and his hot breath come out in short pants. She’s done exactly as she’s been told she doesn’t understand why… “ _Fuck_ , you’re killing me,” he groans. “I hope you know that.”

 

Rey catches herself smiling, all flushed cheeks and dilated eyes. Because he makes her feel…

 

“Give me your fingers Rey, I want to taste you.”

 

Her breath leaves her body at his command and her eyes widen. But she removes her fingers, glistening with her wetness, and raises them shakily to his parted lips, swallowing around a tight throat. She doesn’t believe she’ll be able to watch this unscathed. Her skin feels like it will go up in flames any minute now, and every ounce of reason has completely evaporated. He shuts his eyes as he takes her fingers into his mouth, sucking them clean and lapping his tongue around them.

 

_Too much._

 

It’s so soft and wet and just too much, and Rey feels something empty inside her _clench_.

 

He pulls away licking his lips, seemingly satisfied for a moment before he fixes those dark eyes on her.

 

“I want to see _more_.”

 

Rey slips her fingers back in place without being told twice.

 

It’s maddening to watch her body respond to his thick voice and burning eyes with undulated pleasure. It collects and builds and grows inside her with every rub of her fingers, aspiring to climb up to a peak she’s too afraid to reach.

 

Her other hand rises to her collarbone feeling the wild pulse of her neck. Her head eventually falls on his shoulder and then her whole body seeks support. Rey shuts her eyes.

 

She latches on to Ben in the Force.

 

But this time the Force has nothing to do with the sensations back at the villa. There are no crude thoughts or lewd feelings lurking in it. It pulses and throbs with intensity, desire and adoration, and fleeting ardent thoughts that Rey cannot fully grasp, as they all narrow down, inevitably, to one single, aching and wondrous emotion.

 

It emanates from _him_.

 

Rey’s on the precipice. Ready to grasp it.

 

“Look at you…” The voice croons next to her ear. She opens her eyes. His expression is almost intoxicated. Lost. And it makes her feel…

 

“Look at how _beautiful_ you are.”

 

Rey floats, fingertips failing to touch that _emotion_. And then suddenly… A breath.

 

“Let it all go, Rey.”

 

_She falls._

 

Everything goes white.

 

Rey doesn’t know how long her body clenches in ecstasy.

 

Her ragged breath is the first thing she begins to feel when she comes back to the world. That and the wild thud of a strong heart.

 

There’s a low murmuring in her ear, soothing and gratifying and strong arms are lifting her from the ground. And she realizes she’s being held next to a solid body, too paralyzed to stand on her own two feet. It supports her and comforts her and Rey wants to remain wrapped in its warmth forever.

 

She sighs. Long and deep. Releasing the troubles of a life time.

 

He carries her, she feels the rhythm of his heavy steps as her legs dangle loosely on his side. He’s taking her someplace. It’s dark wherever it is, and the only thing that she recognizes is the scent of his musk lingering in the air.

 

“Ben, is this your…”

 

“Shh…” he commands her once more. “Sleep. You’re tired.”

 

She feels cool, crisp sheets as her body is carefully laid on a soft mattress. And covered with the warmest of blankets. She can barely open her eyes. This heavy haze has settled in her mind and she knows it’s not natural. Ben is using his powers over her. But it’s too late for her to do something to stop him.

 

She slips into a restful place just as a comforting voice echoes in a dream.

 

“ _Rest, my love_.”

 

The boy caresses the hair away from her face.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He is brutally direct, this boy, in comparison to Rey's way of coaxing him to eat. But maybe in his mind, it's his way of taking care of her. Who knows, he might figure out other, simpler ways to do that in the near future. Or would you rather he didn't?


	19. Sweet aches and reputations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little sugar and caf in this, really. Because you guys deserve a break! Don't get too comfortable, though ; )
> 
> And if you'd like to get a glimpse of a certain "scene" from the previous chapter check out the link at the end of this chapter. Cammin Liu surprised the hell out of me! Excellent work!

 

 

 

Rey wakes with a haze in her mind and a sweet relief in her body.

 

She raises her head from the soft pillow where it has been buried for an indefinite amount of hours, to stare at the rays of light filtering through the cracks of dark, heavy curtains. She blinks lazily. And tenses in alarm at the unknown environment for a moment, before she allows her body to relax back into the mattress.

 

Because Rey knows exactly where she is. And what has _happened_.

 

She drops her face back on the pillow wishing she could just roll over and _die_. She is surprised that the crimson that is, no doubt, already appearing on her cheeks doesn’t stain the clean, white sheets. _His_ sheets. Because this is _his_ bed. In _his_ room. And Rey has been sleeping in it.

 

Her hand caresses the soft, cotton fabric.

 

_Damn._

 

Has it felt good…

 

She turns on her back, the rustle of sheets making her wonder if he spent the night next to her. She usually is a very light sleeper and wakes at the faintest of sounds. And she’s pretty sure she would have sensed him because he is such an imposing presence in the Force. But last night obviously affected… that perception, as well.

 

She must have slept like a rock.

 

Rey feels a stupid smile forming on her face, as she stretches in the crisp sheets _._ _Stars_ , this is an amazing bed.

 

There are voices and a bit of commotion coming from outside the room and Rey realizes to her dread that there are people in Ben’s apartment. As in, lots of people. While she is stuck in his room, in his very soft and comfortable bed that doesn’t seem to have been touched on the other half of it, now that she notices.

 

Something inside her sinks.

 

Rey glances around the room. It looks austere under the half-light, like the rest of his house. Barely any personal belongings lying about for her to study. There is an armchair at a corner and a whole new set of her clothes set neatly on it because she is obviously still very much… _yeah_.

 

Definitely die. Because this is the type of situation she never imagined she’d ever get herself into.

 

She can’t hear his voice but she figures he must be somewhere inside commandeering everyone to his heart’s desire. And Rey also figures it would be a good idea to actually get out of this incredible bed, shower, of course, because she never lets an opportunity like this pass her by, and get dressed in…

 

Did he actually go through her clothes?

 

_Oh, gods…_

 

She rubs at her face, chiding herself for feeling so mortified. He saw a lot more things than her clothes yesterday night, after all. No, Rey does not know how she will survive this.

 

But she does manage to get herself out of his bed, wrapping the blanket around her body, and walk over to his fresher with her bare feet not making a single sound on his lacquered wooden floor. She tries to ignore the door to his closet room that has been left partly open, and does not peek curiously at the rows of expensive suits and thick cloaks that hang inside. She does not look at his comlink set casually on his dresser next to a pile of datapads, nor at last night’s shirt draped over the back of a chair. No she simply darts for his pristine, dark grey granite fresher, to let herself indulge at the running water.

 

There are droplets of water on the shower glass and a used towel thrown carelessly on top of the laundry basket. His shaving set is out in full display and looks recently used. Ben must have been in the fresher while she was still fast asleep. She touches his things, fingering them carefully back in place, wondering what would have happened if she had woken up to see him in the room. Perhaps coming out of the fresher wearing only…

 

_No._

 

Her thoughts come to a screech. She can’t let her mind wander to such places. What happened last night must remain there. She sets his hair brush down with a clank. Her skin feels slightly hot, and her heart is pounding a little erratically but Rey tries to ignore all these insignificant signs, and simply steps into the shower, setting the water to cold.

 

Around twenty minutes later, Rey emerges from his room weaving her wet hair in a single tight bun in the back of her head. And trying to wear her most impassive face for all to see. Because there is no sane explanation, whatsoever, for her to be coming out of his room.

 

Luckily no one sees her, since everyone is so absorbed circling their Governor.

 

 A few members of his team are already in the lounge and a stylist is fussing over his hair while he sits in an armchair engrossed in a conversation with Amilyn Holdo and another of Coruscant’s Ministers. She thinks it must be Communications. Ben is in his black and purple robes once again, wearing his Governor façade and Rey feels like his world is already becoming a solid barrier between them. Feels as if last night never even happened.

 

At least for him.

 

It makes her want to crawl back to that bed.

 

Ben must have seen her or sensed her because his gaze lifts up instantly, as she walks in the lounge, causing her heart to skitter right then and there.

 

“Goodmorning,” he says as his eyes roam over her fresh clothes, knowingly. “Sleep well?”

 

Rey is well aware of the connotation behind that innocent remark.

 

“The mattress was too soft,” she grumbles, “I have a stiff neck.”

 

There’s a glint of amusement in his eyes and she doesn’t want to give him any more food for thought. Holdo smiles at her and the Minister bows his head in respect. Rey nods back politely and heads for the kitchen to pour herself a mug of caf and hopefully get something to eat. Two assistants part a way for her to pass, and she can hear Kaydel already going over his itinerary with Ben for the day. Rey wants to groan. Councils and meetings and interviews… All day _long_. While she stands in back of him and his wicked, magnetic power, watching him command planets and civilizations as if they mean nothing and wishing he would just turn around and give her one, single _glance_.

 

_Kriff!_

 

What in R’iia’s winds is wrong with her?

 

Rey has got to stop obsessing so much over him. And find something useful to preoccupy herself.  Anything. Or she will completely loose her mind because of this man.

 

She’s already lost her heart to him…

 

Rey shakes her head to herself in irritation and aims for the refrigerator to make herself something quick to eat, avoiding the processed breakfast that Ben’s team has probably brought along.

 

She’s in the middle of picking out some endorian chicken eggs, gill goat cheese and vegetables to make an omelet when she realizes that Ben has decided to follow her into the kitchen, raising a string of objections from the people busy in the lounge. She hears him enter with that whooshing of his robes and those clipped steps coming from his brand new shoes against the floor. She picks a few fresh fruits, as well, and shuts the refrigerator with a thud.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing. I have a headache.”

 

He has to get his hair done. And nails clipped. There’s no reason for him to be in the kitchen pestering her this early in the morning.

 

“A _headache_?” He chuckles smugly. “Very well, then. What can I do to help you deal with your _headache_?”

 

_Arrogant man._

 

“I think you’ve done enough.”

 

He remains completely silent at that. Not a single ruffle of fabric. Rey sighs because that might have come out a little harsher than intended. She turns to face him. He’s standing closer than she thought, looking at her very, very guarded.

 

“Are you upset about last night?”

 

“What! No.”

 

“Did I push you too far?”

 

She rubs at her forehead and sets the food that’s in her arms on the kitchen table. She can’t do this right now. She really can’t. But he seems to be genuinely concerned, although she can never be too certain with him. She splays her palm on the surface of the table feeling a little exasperated.

 

“You didn’t. It’s fine.”

 

“Obviously, it’s _not_ fine.” He looks at her trying to decipher her real thoughts. But she gives him none. His gaze falls on the table of food and his fingers reach out, brushing powdered sugar off its dark surface awkwardly. “Just for the record, there was no mal intent behind what I asked you to do last night.”

 

He raises his eyes to look at her. There is something a little…adorable about the way he regards her. It reminds her of small cubs of baby animals.

 

“Well, it doesn’t really matter because it’s done and it was quite an _experience_. But it doesn’t change anything between us.”

 

“I see...”

 

And there is also something about his voice.

 

“Ben…” She sighs and stares at the overhead kitchen lights. “I don’t quite know what to do with last night. It might be something ordinary to you that is completely meaningless.  But to me…”

 

 “Who says it meant nothing to me?”

 

She slides her eyes back to his. His gaze has become very indiscernible.

 

“You probably engage in these sort of activities the whole time with your partners.”

 

“So?”

 

“Well, I’m not one of them, Ben!”

 

There is this little part of her that wishes she hadn’t allowed for him to go that far. But it’s not him she’s really upset with. She’s mad with her own self for falling so easily prey to his seduction. He’s obviously really, really good at it.

 

An understanding flickers in his dark eyes and his expression softens. “I know you’re not one of them, Rey.”

 

And that’s exactly what she means.

 

“Don’t look at me like that…”

 

“Like what?”

 

“As if I’m wanted. Is that what you do to all women?”

 

He remains very silent. And still. Just the lightest of bobs from his Adam’s apple.

 

She shakes her head and brushes some of that powdered sugar off the table as well. It’s kind of stuck on it and she scrapes it off with the nail of her thumb. Anything to get her emotions under control. Those long fingers of his are still resting on its surface. Inches away from hers.

 

She feels him step closer. “I know that all this is foreign to you, but I can sense you’re curious and drawn to me. And…I’m not saying it in a bad way,” he raises his hands in defense as she sends him a glare. “All I’m saying is that if you want to explore certain _things_ I would much rather you did with me…”

 

“Why you?”

 

“Because I won’t hurt you and push you to do things you don’t want to do and...”

 

“Maybe you already have.”

 

He hesitates a moment and Rey senses his unrest. Serves him good. She hates how self-assured he is the whole time.

 

“Did you take a shower in my fresher?”

 

His question startles her and she snaps her attention back to him.

 

“I didn’t want anyone noticing me going from room to room. Is that okay?”

 

He nods, looking down again. He clears his voice. “I just thought I recognized the scent of my shower wash on you and…” he pauses, chewing on the inside of his cheek. And wiping off a little more of the sugar.

 

Rey swears his fingers have come closer to hers.

 

“You’re free to do as you please around here,” he continues in a slightly strange voice. “Make dinners or… shower in my fresher. Sleep in my bed…”

 

He smirks at her and there is something a little impish about it.  Rey finds it hard to keep a straight face.

 

“I am _not_ sleeping in your bed again. And you are not allowed to go through my clothes.”

 

“I’d rather you slept in my bed.”

 

“That’s absolutely out of the question.”

 

“You looked good in it.”

 

Rey looks to the side feeling her cheeks start to burn. She cannot believe that this little awkward interaction, this small insignificant conversation between them will probably be the highlight of her day, before the galaxy steals him away from her again.  She quickly turns around and heads for the caf machine to pour herself a mugful. And somehow get that speeding pulse of her under control. Ben of course follows her, coming to stand right behind her.

 

“I can’t sleep in your bed again…”She tells him in a hushed voice. She can’t have the feel of him so close to her.

“Why?”

 

“Because I have my reasons.”

 

“What sort of reasons?”

 

She doesn’t say anything back. He looks to the side and lets out this throaty sound, something between a grunt and a chuckle. He rakes his hand through his hair. “I sleep alone in that bed, Rey. I’ve never brought…”

 

It takes a moment or two before Rey starts to realize the misunderstanding behind his words. It feels like a punch in the gut.

 

_I am such an idiot._

 

Such a fool for him. Of course she’s not the only woman he’s brought here.

 

She brings her mug of caf to her mouth to take a sip from it and hide the light tremble of her lips.  

 

His long fingers wrap around her mug, careful not to touch her in any way, taking it from her.

 

“Kaydel made the caf. It’s scathing hot. She didn’t know any better. It took me nearly a half hour before I was able to take a sip from mine.” He sets the mug on the table and picks another one up. “This is for you. I figured you might want some before we get started.”

 

Rey looks up at him feeling her throat constricting. And her eyes watering. Again.

 

“It’s just a cup of caf, Rey,” he says softly.  “I’m not offering you the galaxy.”

 

“I’m not upset about the damn caf, Ben.”

 

He’s looking at her expectantly with those brown eyes so gentle and liquid and that stupid mug that he made for her waiting between them. Almost as if she means something special to him all over again.

 

“I know you’re not.” His voice is so soft. Almost velvet.

 

She tries to hang on to that spike of righteous anger but it dwindles into nothingness before it is even formed.

 

Rey sighs.

 

“Ben…”

 

She steps closer and wraps her fingers around her new mug and around his fingers, giving in to that little intimate moment she has been craving to have since she opened her eyes on his bed this morning. The one she has been denied because of this stupid galaxy and its stupider problems.

 

His eyes widen slightly and snap down to where their hands are joined.

 

There’s a clearing of throat. “Um, sir?”

 

But he doesn’t seem to be aware of the person standing at the doorway.

 

“Sir?”

 

“ _Ben_.” She says softly.

 

“Yes!” He swirls to look at his assistant.

 

“Excuse me sir, but we’ll be late at the Council… And then there’s the Press conference in the early afternoon and the Outer Rim ambassador has been requiring an urgent meeting. Not to mention the…”

 

“Yes. Yes. I’m aware! I’ll be right there.”

 

The poor man shuffles away at the growl, and Ben returns his burning attention to her. There’s something disheveled about the way he looks at her.

 

“Go on. You were about to say something…”

 

Rey takes the mug from him and steps back. “Never mind. It’s not important at the moment. You should go back inside.”

 

“No. _No!_ They can wait. Tell me.”

 

“I’m making some eggs for breakfast and some fresh juice, would you like some too?” She asks innocently. He seems worked up and Rey is starting to enjoy this.

 

“ _Breakfast_?” He sputters. “Who cares about…?”

 

Amilyn Holdo’s very distinctive purple hair appears through the kitchen door and she glares daggers at Ben. “If you don’t come out in the next two seconds you are going to face the Council meeting all on you own,” she hisses. “Do you understand?”

 

“Fucking hells, Amilyn! Can’t a man have a moment?”

 

“No, he may _not_. Especially if he is the Governor of Coruscant. Get your ass inside. _Now_! Hello, Rey.”

 

“Goodmorning, Amilyn.”

 

Holdo’s head disappears as quickly as it appeared, leaving the two of them alone again. She takes a sip of caf. It tastes sweet and creamy, just the way she likes it.

 

“I have to go,” he says hoarsely.

 

 Rey nods, clutching her mug with both hands. His gaze lingers on her hands for a heartbeat before he drags it back up. He seems to contemplate something in that complex mind of his, twirling it for a bit trying to decide what to do with it. Rey waits patiently.

 

“I wouldn’t mind having a little of what you plan on making for breakfast,” he says eventually.  “Just leave some on a plate for me, if it’s ok with you.”

 

Rey smiles. A nice big smile that she couldn’t quite contain. “Of course.”

 

He stares at her for a moment more, with this strange new expression on his face before he nods, and abruptly turns around to head back to his team.

 

 

 

It truly is a long day.

 

The Council meeting at the Government building drags all morning. Ben sits pensively at the head of the pristine, oval table with the rest of his government gathered around it, as the Minister of Defense explains the alliance with the Chiss, and the attack plan that the Republic has formulated. There are a few murmurs that go around and a few uncomfortable settlings in seats, but the Governor only intervenes in his Minister’s speech when something needs to be clarified, or when the unease and tension in the room start to escalate.

 

It’s gloomy outside. With a sky full of leaden clouds and the promise of a thunderstorm. Lightning splits the heavens at the far horizon over the Manarai mountains, electrifying an already tense atmosphere within the Conference room. It’s so dark that most of the city’s lights have remained lit, making the city glitter like an upturned evening sky.

  

Rey stands in back of the Governor dressed in her favorite cream colors and a beige cashmere cloak, saberstaff perched on her back as always, gazing at the endless city. She senses a few curious glances being cast her way now and then, and an all-around awareness of her unique presence at the Council. But the members seem to accept her.

 

As they seem to accept the decisions that their Governor has made.

 

The battleships are a bit of a pricklier subject since the cost will be enormous and the first down payment to Kuat will have to be made by Coruscant alone. Ben rubs at his eyes as the Minister of Economy takes over to explain how it will be accomplished by increasing taxes and using part of the banking system’s surplus to cover the cost.

 

The Council does not seem to be very happy about that. At the end, however, the Governor manages to gain a marginal vote of confidence from his government. Just as he had expected.

 

Rey smiles back lightly when Ben swivels his chair to look at her at the end of the meeting, with what seems like relief in his dark, tired eyes.

 

But the Press conference is a mess.

 

The grand room is packed to the brim with reporters, holonet cameras and crew members, all sitting at the edge of their seats, awaiting impatiently the Governor’s appearance. The Minister of Communications is the one who reads out the official statement of Coruscant’s stand in the upcoming war with the First Order, but the Governor is the one who steps is to answer the surge of questions.

 

The air is stifling and the lights are blinding. Rey struggles to keep her guard up, scanning the room and flipping through surface thoughts, because if another attempt were to take place, then this would be the perfect chance. She even goes as far as using the Force to crunch into heap of metal, a camera that came a little too close to the Governor for her liking. Ben barely bats an eye, but numerous gasps and mutters circle the room at her intervention.

 

Beads of sweat appear on Ben’s temple as the Press conference goes on but he still continues to eloquently answer or expertly dodge the ruthless questions that the reporters throw his way. He seems miraculously composed and imposing, despite the tense atmosphere in the room.

 

Until one question pops up, that is.

 

It comes from a young humanoid in unkempt clothing that raises his hand amongst a hundred others. Ben gestures at him slightly bored.

 

“Governor, the Jedi seems to be your new shadow. Considering your reputation, is she more than that? And what does your soon to be wife have to say about her?”

 

All sound seems to die out for a few seconds as everyone it the room regards Ben with expectant wide eyes.

 

“I don’t know what reputation you speak of,” his deep voice resonates in the room. “Next question.”

 

“There is a source stating that the Jedi and you have a past together and if that is so would you elaborate?” Another reporter asks and Rey notices Ben’s knuckles go white as he grasps on the edges of the podium. She is rather surprised that on such a grave and important moment as this, with the galaxy on the brink of war, people are interested in Ben’s personal life.

 

It’s superficial and flat out creepy.

 

“I would reconsider the validity of the sources if I were you,” he snaps frigidly.

 

“Was she a love interest?” A third question appears out of nowhere.

 

Ben clenches his jaw. “No comment.”

 

There’s an uproar of voices as the room seems to stand up to its feet with flailing hands everywhere and a repeat of the previous questions falling from all sides.

 

Ben glances over his shoulder at Rey. He looks very, very agitated. He refuses to take any more questions and signals for his Minister to take over, as he steps down from the podium in a torrent of protests and blinding lights. He storms off the stage, pausing only briefly for Rey to join him on his side.  She thinks she feels his hand on the small of her back as he towers protectively over her, in his attempt to shield her from the cameras, but the sensation disappears all too quickly and Rey is not sure if she ever felt it at all.

 

 

 

 

“Bastards!” He seethes down the corridor of the Government building as employees and officials hurriedly part a way for him to go through. His long strides devour its length while a few members of his Office along with Amilyn Holdo struggle to keep up with him. Rey is on his side feeling his rage spill like burning acid in the Force. He has barely glanced her way but there is something in the way he walks besides her that makes her feel like he is trying to protect her from curious eyes.

 

Which is rather pointless.

 

“What did you expect, Ben?” Holdo concedes a few paces in back of him.

 

He halts right in the middle of the corridor, black robes swiveling ominously around him as he turns to face her.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“They do have a point, you know,” she continues, ignoring his scathing glare. “Your habits were bound to catch up with you at some point.”

 

“My _habits_ are none of their business.” He sneers.

 

People passing by cringe away from him. The few members of his Council that had followed him grasp the opportunity to discretely disperse, Rey notices. As if they can feel the heavy storm building within their Governor match the one that is being unleashed outside.

 

“Oh, come on, Ben. You’re smarter than that. This is precisely the type of information they are dying to get their hands on.”

 

“I am the best Governor Coruscant has seen in the last twenty years. _That_ should be enough!”

 

Amilyn crosses her slender arms in front of her chest, looking at him with those icy blue eyes. “You are also the youngest and most scandalous. No matter how brilliant you may be, nothing is ever enough for them. Did you seriously think that Rey of all people, your own _personal_ Jedi, wouldn’t get caught up in your mess?”

 

He narrows his eyes at her. “Rey looks _nothing_ like the women I fuck!”

 

Rey blinks, feeling a bitter taste rise to her mouth.

 

“They don’t care! How can you be so naïve? If Rey ever meant anything to you, you should have never gotten her tangled up in this. You should have been more careful!”

 

_They must know…_

 

Rey suddenly realizes horrified. The people closest to him seem to know that she and Ben are far from strangers.

 

His nostrils flare and he walks up to Amilyn, coming eye to eye with her. “Does my mother have anything to do with what happened in there?” He warns in a dangerous voice.

 

“Now you’re being paranoid.”

 

“I wouldn’t put it past her.”

 

“Ben. _No_. Why would she do that to you?”

 

“Then who leaked the information?”

 

“Who knows!”

 

“Then find out! You’re not all being paid here to stand as imbeciles in the middle of the corridor staring at me with gaping mouths.”

 

He regards her thunderously for a few moments before turning his attention to Jeff.  The man stands completely still and with his gaze fixed solemnly at some statue by the wall. Rey believes he has forgotten how to breathe. The Governor stares him down, as if the galaxy spiraling into catastrophe is somehow his manager’s fault. “ _Fix_ this.” He grits at him, in the end. “And cancel the rest of my meetings for this afternoon.”

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Holdo calls out to his receding black robes.

 

He snarls over his shoulder without breaking momentum. “You wouldn’t want details of my _habits_ now, would you Amilyn?”

 

Holdo presses her lips together tightly, too irritated to answer anything back. Rey tries to swallow the taste of bile back down. She hasn’t seen Ben like this in days, and it’s a side of him that she has conveniently pushed to the corners of her mind, pretending it doesn’t exist. How wrong she has been.

 

“How did the reporter know about our past?” Rey asks, rooted in her spot. She sees the Governor halt a few paces away turning to look at her astounded. She completely ignores him.

 

Amilyn Holdo sighs.

 

“It’s their job to find out such things,” she says dejectedly. “Who knows how many credits he has paid to gather such information. Chances are he doesn’t know much. Probably has no idea that Ben was once in Luke’s academy.”

 

“Rey. Come. We need to leave.”

 

She senses the Governor approach her. His steps resounding in the corridor with a finality as heavy as his demand. But she stares at Holdo’s solemn face trying to see all the way down to an unspoken truth. There is a question looping in Rey’s mind since the Press Conference, making her feel very uneasy. Anxious.

 

_Tarnished._

 

“Do they really think I’m sleeping with him?” And she voices it in nearly a whisper.

 

Holdo looks away.

 

“Rey, no. It means nothing.” Ben is the one who rushes to intervene. “They say these things the whole time. They spin the most incredible stories out of thin air.”

 

“Is this the reason why you didn’t want a woman Jedi protecting you?”

 

He parts his lips, struggling for an answer. Most probably a lie. “Partly.”

 

“Will I affect your pact with the Chiss?”

 

He feels uncomfortable. She can tell by the way the small muscle under his left eye twitches. “I won’t let that happen. Rey…” His eyes dart anxiously on her face and he lowers his voice. “What are you trying to say to me?”

 

He senses. No. He _knows_ she is about to say something he doesn’t want to hear.

 

“Maybe someone else should watch over you. I don’t want to jeopardize the work you’ve done till now.”

 

“What? No. _No_. You’re not jeopardizing anything. It’s fine. I’ll figure it out.”

 

“Ben…”

 

“I said no!” He shuts his eyes at the echo of his voice in the corridor. Rey knows they are making a scene. They both do.

 

He pulls her to a crevice nearby, away from those prying eyes. Rey is afraid it will just make things worse. Everything they do just makes things worse.

 

Lightning pierces the sky in the tall window beside them.

 

He comes to stand right in front of her making the rest of the world disappear. She looks at him. At those dark eyes that always seem so arrogant and self-assured. They seem desperate, now. And afraid.

 

“Rey?” He leans in to catch her eyes. “Let’s not do this here. All right? What do you say? Let’s just go back to my apartment and we can talk about it there.”

 

His intensity is becoming overwhelming.

 

Rey would have never imagined the consequences of her presence next to him. But he obviously has. Way before she ever even arrived. But she understands now. His reluctance and borderline animosity when he first saw her. His distant, cold behavior goading her to turn around and leave.  Get as far away from him as possible. That staying next to this man is precarious. Dangerous.

 

But he is standing so close now, drowning her in his vortex of emotions. He’s not letting her _think_ straight _._

 

He rakes his hair and curses in a low voice. Then brings those dark eyes back. They latch on to her soul. Refuse to let her go.

 

“Don’t leave me, Rey. I can’t do this without you…”

 

And that right there is all she needs to know that it is too late. Too late for them to go back to pretending that they don’t matter. That they are nothing more than childhood friends that never made it to adulthood. That they are a mistake they need to erase.

 

“Let’s go to the apartment. Come with me back to the apartment, Rey.”

 

Because they matter. And Force help them, they are no longer in control.

 

“Say you’ll stay…”

 

_Force help us…_

 

Rey nods.

 

He leans in and she suddenly feels like he is about to kiss her. Set those soft lips on hers and wrap his arms around her body. Pull her tight to him. He is so large and solid. The most solid thing she has ever had and Rey can’t think how she made it all these years without him.

 

It all feels so vivid and clear in her mind, and so very much _real,_ that it takes her nearly a moment for her to realize that none of that has happened. That Ben is just standing inches away from her, barely touching her temple with his face. He smells of musk and sweat and heartache and Rey blinks dazed into his black, silky garments.

 

“Thank you…” he breathes in her strands and Rey feels her whole body come to life. As if this breath has become her own. She turns her head lightly, seeking for its warmth. Reaching for it.

 

It pants into her parted lips. She can nearly taste it.

 

Have it.

 

_Breathe it…_

 

“Not here,” he says.

 

His voice is groveled and thick. And shaky around the edges. It caresses the small wisps of hair close to her ear, and spreads into a longing in her chest. Rey feels his body move away but his dark gaze holds the most tender of promises.

 

Can she dare to hope?

 

He leads her out of the crevice and back to the corridor keeping a painful distance from her.

 

“Prepare my ship,” he orders one of the guards stationed close by. The man nods fervently relaying the order through his comlink.

 

Maybe she can.

 

By the time they reach the exit, the heavens have split and heavy rain is pouring everywhere. It’s impossible to see a thing. They are rushed in his shuttle, clothes getting drenched in a matter of seconds. They fall in place across from each other. Wet strands clinging on their faces and cloaks dripping on the cream leather surface of their seats. His eyes simmer as he looks at her in the grey non-light that falls through the windows. The rain pounds relentlessly on the shuttle’s haul. And an anticipation is already coiling insider her.

 

Rey doesn’t know if they will make it back to his place without him commanding her to come to him.

 

The rain is cold and it stings her face as they cross his landing bay. A thunder rolls somewhere in the distance and the ground is slippery under her boots. His arm wraps around her waist, keeping her on her feet and his palm splays on her lower belly.

 

“Let me touch you tonight, Rey,” he says in her ear. It’s an order and a plea at the same time, and there is something unhinged in his voice. In the way he looks at her. “Don’t make me go through another night without touching you…”

 

Rey glances away on the verge of the sweetest panic. A shiver runs down her spine.

 

“Good evening, sir. My lady.” Antoine, one of the guards greets them. “I must warn you, sir,” he says, as the large doors part for them to enter.  “You have a guest tonight.”

 

“A guest?” Ben says over her head.  He sounds alarmed. “I’m not expecting anybody tonight.”

 

The lights are on as they enter and the warmth that greets them is blessed and welcomed. But she feels Ben stop cold beside her. Because right in the middle of his lounge, dressed in an elegant and very expensive looking dress stands a woman. She sets her glass of wine down on a side table and turns to smile at Ben.

 

Rey feels her heart stop.

 

“Shit.” He mutters.

 

 

 

[Ben and Rey in front of the mirror](https://twitter.com/Camminliu/status/1151196497892933632) by Cammin Liu

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes *ducks stones* another cliffhanger! LMAO! Any bets on who this is?
> 
> Also on a much more serious note. I don't know how many of you are really looking for angsty stories set in our very real universe with its very real problems. When certain things happen in a far, far galaxy it's easy to pretend they don't exist. I have been reading "Hiraeth" by Ferasha lately which is a Reylo story set during the Yugoslav war of the '90s. I don't think I have come across a more realistic portrayal of Kylo Ren than this. And the love they share is truly so pure. I don't know if it's your cup of tea but in case you're looking for a really good story with very direct and heartfelt writing, I'd suggest you give it a try.


	20. Darkness rises and Light to meet it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “In the beginning there was only Chaos, Night (Nyx), Darkness (Erebus), and the Abyss (Tartarus). Earth, the Air and Heaven had no existence. Firstly, blackwinged Night laid a germless egg in the bosom of the infinite deeps of Darkness, and from this, after the revolution of long ages, sprang the graceful Love (Eros) with his glittering golden wings, swift as the whirlwinds of the tempest. He mated in the deep Abyss with dark Chaos, winged like himself, and thus hatched forth our race, which was the first to see the light."
> 
> Aristophanes (c. 400 BC) in “Birds”
> 
> My sources of inspiration for this story are archaic and very basic in their origin. And some of them very, very dark. They range from primordial gods to the myth of Hades and Persephone and to Plato’s “Symposium. They speak of Eros.
> 
> I have borrowed this ancient entity that has sprung from the Night and has been so debated upon since the beginning of time. I have used its carnal side and its divine and molded it with the four-legged being that was once man before it was split in two by Zeus. It is a story of everything Eros has ever meant. Darkness, desire, passion, beauty, longing, divinity.

 

It’s not Hannah.

 

That’s the only thought Rey manages to put together. Because the woman is very much human. Tall. With jet, black hair, almond eyes and an olive-skin tone that she shamelessly flaunts under the expensive lace of her dress. 

 

“How long have you been here?” Ben asks. He looks calm as he moves away from Rey, circling the woman, his robes heavy with rain that drip on the marble floor. He studies her with a barely furrowed brow. Rey had expected a more dramatic reaction to the intruder than this.

 

They are obviously well acquainted, she realizes bitterly. 

 

“We had an appointment.” The woman follows his gaze and chuckles, awkwardly.

 

He stops a few paces away. “You didn’t answer my question.”

 

“A while.”

 

He clenches his jaw. In irritation from what she can tell.

 

The woman approaches him in a fluent gazelle-like walk that makes Rey’s skin crawl. “I wasn’t informed we’d have company.” She smiles, this practiced coy curve of lips that makes her eyes glint. “It changes the arrangement.”

 

“There will be no arrangement. Not tonight.”

 

“Why waste the opportunity? I’m here. Your friend can join.”

 

Ben removes his drenched robes in short, vexed movements. “Caylin, take your things and leave. I’ll get in contact with you if I wish to find you.”

 

The woman pouts. “But I’ve left the night open, just as you commanded.”

 

And suddenly Rey starts to understand the type of arrangement the two of them have and what is taking place right before her eyes.  From the way the woman comes to stand close to Ben. Way to close. And studies him under those thick lashes as if he’s a meal to have.

 

Rey steps back feeling her insides churn with disgust.

 

“Is she the Jedi everyone speaks about?” The woman slides her dark eyes in her direction, seemingly amused. “She doesn’t look like one,” she chuckles.

 

Ben raises his hand and a heavy elegant coat flies across the room and into his grasp. “You don’t want to aggravate a Jedi,” he warns handing the woman the coat. “I believe your business for the night is complete. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

 

The woman’s composure falters for a split moment at Ben’s gesture, and she regards Rey with that practiced smile frozen on her lips. Rey stares back so coldly she barely recognizes herself.

 

“Don’t be mad at me Governor.” The woman’s demeanor changes. Turns into complacence. She closes the small distance between her and Ben practically rubbing herself against him. Nearly purring. “I’ll do as you command. I would be grateful to you if next time you inform me of your change in plans. I do not want to be an inconvenience to you. ”

 

Rey feels like she is going to be sick. As in physically ill. Because she’s bearing witness to something repulsive happening right before her, and she can’t tear her eyes away.

 

“Who _is_ this?" She turns to Ben. Her distress is obvious in her face, she knows it, but she is powerless to do anything to hide it.

 

Ben’s already clutching the woman’s shoulder, tugging her away from him. He seems oddly composed for such a situation. His fixes his dark eyes on Rey for only a split moment.

 

“She’s not someone you should concern yourself about.”

 

“She’s in you apartment, Ben. And you were obviously not expecting her. Of course, she's my concern!"

 

"Rey, not now."

 

His dismissiveness stings. Rey clenches her fists trying not to allow her feelings slither out into the Force. They are the most erosive thing she has ever felt. And she does not want him to sense them.

 

He turns to Caylin. His outstretched arm still holds the coat to her, impatiently.

 

“I believe you have overstayed your welcome. Time for you to go."

 

She straightens her back and suddenly all the coyness slides away. “I’ve waited for you for nearly two hours. Surely, you must understand, Governor, that…”

 

“Enough credits will be wired to your account to cover your losses for the night.” 

 

Rey shuts her eyes. Because she can’t look at them anymore. 

 

“Thank you, sir.  I’ll be looking forward to providing my services to you, again.” Rey feels the woman’s eyes on her, a curiosity emanating from her.

 

“They won’t be needed.” He states coldly.

 

A pause. She can hear the woman’s voice hesitate.

 

“I apologize for intruding, I truly wasn’t aware…”

 

“Go home to your kids, Caylin. I’ll make sure your next client is decent enough.” He says a little softer.

 

"Of course, sir… As you wish."

 

The woman quickly complies. She glances at Rey once more before she exits in quick long strides, heels clicking against the marble floor.

 

The silence that follows is deafening.

 

Ben finally looks at her warily, after a few long moments drag. He waits. For the obvious question that has been clawing and eating at her from the second they stepped inside the apartment.

 

Her voice is quiet. Forebodingly so. "Why was she in your place when you know I am staying with you?”

 

"I had made plans with her a while back that I didn't cancel."

 

"How could you…?"

 

He closes the distance between them in two hasty strides. “Rey, I _forgot.”_

 

“That’s the stupidest excuse I have ever heard.”

 

“I’ve had too many things on my mind lately. I wouldn’t do something like this with you here.”

 

How she wishes she could believe him. She arches a brow. “So, you didn’t want me to join your little _company?”_

 

He stares at her, clearly at a loss of words.  And that speaks a million.

 

 “No, I did not!” He runs his hand through his hair. “What’s gotten into you? That is just absurd.”

 

“No! You are the one who is being absurd, thinking that I would comply with your twisted fantasies and your cruel games.”

 

“I don’t believe this…” he mutters to himself, letting his hand fall heavily to his side. “Rey, just minutes ago…”

 

“Minutes ago I would have made a mistake I would regret for the rest of my _life_!”

 

 Ben looks stunned at her for a heartbeat, before he rubs his face and grunts in his palm.

 

"I did not want her anywhere near us. Why is this so hard for you to believe?"

 

"Because I don't know what to believe with you anymore! You lead me on with the most heartfelt words and then you make me wonder if they mean anything at all to you. That woman…"

 

"That woman is not important to me. She means _nothing_.”

 

She snorts this contemptuous sound and crosses her arms in front of her chest. She can't look at him. She really can't.

 

“You really don’t need to explain yourself to me, Governor. I doesn’t seem like many women do."

 

He chuckles to himself and bites his lip obviously in frustration. Rey doesn’t see why he should feel that way. He barely cares for anybody else except for himself.

 

“You misunderstand the kind of…”

 

“Believe me I don't."

 

He looks at her and his expression changes. Falls from affronted to thoroughly resolved and determined.

 

She can sense his gaze sharpen. But Rey can only stare at a painting on the wall, she had initially thought was some abstract art that made no sense. Now, she can very clearly see the two naked bodies mingled together in a whirl of colors and shadows. 

 

She feels disgusted.

 

Ben approaches slowly, with almost measured steps, reaching to remove the hood of her drenched cloak but Rey takes another step back and raises her eyes to look at him.

 

It’s almost funny watching the color drain from his already pale face. The only color that remains, is the pink healing flesh of his scar. Rey wonders if it could bleed again if she ran a nail down its length.

 

“Why don’t you go inside and change into some dry clothes,” he suggests calmly. Placidly. “And I’ll get a kitchen droid to prepare us something to eat. We can just relax or watch something on the holonet.”

 

“Eat?” Rey wants to laugh. She wants to laugh her heart out actually. What’s the point of keeping it anyway when she’s constantly trying to stitch it back together? She tilts her head at him. “You want us to eat after what just happened? You had a prostitute in your place Ben. A _prostitute_!  What more am I to expect from you?”

 

“It’s just a job, Rey. This is what she does for a living.”

 

“Sell her body to satisfy the carnal instincts of men like you?”

 

“It’s a _business_ transaction!”

 

“We’re not talking about surviving here, Ben! I’m sure she could find something else to do in your prestigious Coruscant. You’re just empowering her.”

 

“This is what she’s chosen to do, Rey. She’s had chances to walk away, in the past. They all have. I’ve made sure of that, but not many do because the credits are too damn good.” He huffs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why are we even discussing this? I want you to let it go. It’s upsetting you.”

 

 She shakes her head. “I almost feel sorry for Hannah.” 

 

“Hannah knows.”

 

She blinks stupidly at him for a split second before gritting her teeth. He is watching her carefully, somberly with those dark eyes inspecting meticulously her every emotion. She wants to tell him she has wasted herself on him. Wasted herself in the most pitiful way.

 

“Well, then. I guess you two deserve each other.”

 

 "You don't mean that,” he says softly. “You know the truth.”

  

He takes another step towards her and Rey feels like she is suffocating in his presence. As if he is taking all that is wrong in this world and twisting it around, like the good politician he is, turning it into something acceptable. Forgivable.

 

“You still don't know me, do you? I don’t care what you do with your fiancée, Ben. If she is fine with all this, than it really doesn’t matter what I think."

 

There is nothing to discuss between them anymore. Nothing to negotiate. He shakes his head, brushing her words aside as if they mean nothing. He looks at her. Eyes as consuming as ever.

 

“Hannah doesn’t want to consummate the marriage, Rey. It’s part of our arrangement.”

 

“And that gives you the right to screw half the galaxy? It really means nothing to you, does it?"

 

“But it means everything to _you_.” He reaches for her again hesitantly but she pulls back. “Rey, I’m not trying to justify myself. I won’t be bringing any other…”

 

"There is _nothing_ you can say to me that can justify what you do!"

 

His face blanches.

 

There’ this fire catching on her insides. It started with a barely there simmer that Rey had not been aware of, only for her to realize that it is starting to grow into something beastly. And it’s an odd fire. It doesn’t warm her or fuel her with motivation. It’s an icy thing, spreading like death inside her and howling like a winter’s wind.

 

And it is taking control.

 

His gaze tries to reach for her when his touch is not allowed.

 

“Rey, you’re shivering. Give me your cloak it’s soaking wet…”

 

“Get away from me,” she hisses back. She doesn’t believe she has felt this cold before in her life. It’s an uncanny sensation. Slithering around her heart and whispering in her ear. The susurrations are calling to her. Summoning her to a dark place.

 

She takes another step away from him and those despairing eyes.

 

“You’re not yourself, Rey. I can tell you're not yourself. I _know._   Just... come to me, let me help you.”

 

“I am not one of your _whores_. You don’t get to tell me what to do!”

 

His brow furrows. “One of my whores?” 

 

Something snaps in his expression.

 

“When did I make you feel like a whore, Rey?”

 

She grits her teeth and swivels around. _No_. She is not allowing him to do this to her. Turn her head around with his clever words. She hurries down his entrance hall, commanding the main doors to open wide for her to pass. 

 

Her name falls from his lips merging with the thunder falling in the night. The torrent of rain greets her, cold and unforgiving and merciless. It welcomes her in its embrace.

 

A strong hand wraps around her arm. It swirls her around bringing her face to face with him. Ben is enraged and furious and there is something wrecked in his gaze. “When did I make you feel like a whore, Rey? Answer me!” He bellows at her over the pouring rain.

 

She narrows her eyes wishing she could drag him down to that cold place inside her. Make him feel the barren wastelands of her heart. He’s their creator. “You did just minutes ago,” she spits at him.

 

“You compare yourself to Caylin? To Hannah? You compare us and what has been happening between the two of us to _them_?”

 

“No. That’s what you do,” she grits under his livid expression. “Do you make Hannah play the same games, Ben? Command her to do things she doesn’t want to do?”

 

“I have never forced you into anything you didn't want to do.”

 

Rey wants to scream. She wants to slap him across the scar and ruin him. “Liar! Yesterday night…”

 

“Yesterday night you wanted me to touch you! Your whole body sang for me to touch you and you felt too embarrassed to admit it to your own self.”

 

A lightning crackles in the sky behind him. It bathes their surroundings in electrifying light and makes him look wretchedly beautiful. She snarls at his pale face.

 

“ _No_.”

 

“There is no reason for you to feel embarrassed about how you feel about me, Rey…” his black hair is clinging to his face and neck and streaks of water are falling around his cheeks. And those burning eyes hold droplets of rain on their lashes.  As if they could be tears.

 

As if this man could ever be capable of tears.

 

“You don’t know how I feel!”

 

As if this man could ever be capable to _feel_ …

 

"You are jealous! Your feelings are so naked in front of me it drives me nearly mad watching you repress them. I wanted you to see them yesterday, Rey. Maker, I wanted you to see how beautiful they are…’

 

She grunts at him. This choked sound that struggles to be released.

 

But he only goes on. “Don’t’ take away what last night meant…”

 

Something inside her _roars_.

 

“Stop it!” 

 

Her Force shove hits him on his chest. It sends him crashing across the slippery pavement and almost to the edge of the landing bay. She is in the air in a split second. And straddling his body in the next with the blade of her ignited saberstaff to his throat. 

 

His hand flies to her upper chest. As if he could ever stop her from cutting him down. 

 

The night comes alive under the crackle of another lightning.

 

Ben blinks at her in the stinging rain. Pants under her blade. She can see the rain sizzle on the blue stream of light and reflect on his widened eyes.

 

“Don’t be afraid,” he dares to speak. This powerful man spread completely at her mercy on the ground beneath her, a strike away from dying. “I feel it too.”

 

She clenches her jaw.

 

The press of his hand on her chest falls away. And then suddenly thick fingers weave into her hair and the palm of his hand cups her cheek. It is so large and strong and yet so gentle, it splits her right in the middle. His fingers snake into the back of her head and then he lifts himself carefully on his forearm, eyes fixed solely on hers.

 

"Don't." She grinds at him

 

The beam of her saberstaff cinches a little of his skin, as Ben inches closer. Her eyes sting and throat clenches. Her hold on him loosens.

 

“Ben, don’t…”

 

“Hush.” 

                                                                                                                                                                                           

It’s only when his head tilts to the side and his lips part that Rey realizes with a jolt of her heart what he is about to do.

 

But then he is kissing her and it is too late.

 

Her universe falls apart. Cracks right down to its core.

 

His kiss is not tender. It’s not sweet. Despite the softness of his lips, it is demanding just like everything else about him. It seeks entry to her very soul as the flesh of his tongue runs along the sim of her lips. Ben tastes like mint and forgotten memories. Of man and a sleeping boy. The familiarity of his scent is overwhelming. 

 

It feels like homecoming…

 

“Ben,” she whispers to his lips, trying to pull away. It tears at her how much her senses remember. How much she’s missed him.

 

But he won’t let her. _No,_ he groans into her mouth. His fingers weave to the back of her head securing his hold on her. She is still straddling him but he raises himself easily to a seating position, lips not leaving hers for a single breath and snatches her forgotten weapon away. The hum of it disappears and so does its blue glow.

 

She thinks she hears it clank somewhere it the distance. But Rey can’t think of that now.

 

Ben is here, kissing her. Chipping at her rage. Melting the years away. 

 

His lips move expertly over hers, fluently, working a path that leaves her wide open for him to take. To _conquer_. She moans when his tongue delves inside and brushes against her own. It’s so soft. Yet so hard. And it awakens a crave for this man that she must have had for lifetimes.  But he is almost tender in his explorations, tasting her, savoring her. She can feel his hunger build and his restraint become taught. Something mystical on the verge of losing control. Her chest feels like it will burst from the fluttering of wings.

 

Because Ben is finally here, where he belongs. Solid and real in her arms. And it feels so right it _hurts_.

 

She runs her hands up his chest, shy fingers exploring the plains of his chest and the muscled curve of his shoulders. They wrap around his neck. Dig possessively into his skin. He groans.

 

He pulls away abruptly, with dark eyes and a heaving chest to look at her. The loss is devastating and Rey nearly sobs into the space between them. 

 

“Don’t stop,” she nearly begs.

 

But he angles her face so and then he’s back to kissing her neck. A bruising, desperate thing that leaves her staring openly at the weeping sky. The rain falls on her face, blends with her own tears.

 

The grunt of his voice reverberates on her skin.

 

“Don’t ever leave me…” It commands.

 

Buries itself in every dark corner of her body. She whimpers when he bites her soft flesh.

 

He is so careful when he wipes her hair with one of his soft, clean towels in the dim light of his room. Pads it on her face and on the painful mark he left on the curve of her neck. Rey knows her eyes are red and her lips are swollen. And her limbs feel so heavy she can barely move. But she stands before him as he peals away her dripping cloak and unfastens her shirt. She should feel embarrassed despite what he had seen of her the previous night, but the truth is she only feels a bone deep exhaustion, and an ache that she fears will remain inside her for the rest of her days.

 

Ben doesn't speak. Doesn’t say a single word, as he kneels in front of her to remove her boots and socks. Rey should do these things on her own. But she is afraid she would collapse right there and then if he lets her go. He tugs on her leggings, his own cold fingers brushing against the goosebumps of her skin. His touch is almost fragile, reverent as it lingers on her skin. She doesn’t know how she will live without it. He removes them one leg at a time. Slowly. Torturously. 

 

He slides his fingertips up the length of her calves. Rests them on the soft spot in the back of her knees. He tugs her legs apart. Just enough for him to…

 

"Ben, no. Please don’t…"

 

She can feel the stubble of his jaw scratch her sensitive skin on the inside of her thigh.  And then his lips are trailing a path up at a place he really shouldn't… 

 

"What are you doing…?"

 

Cupping her mound through the fabric of her underclothes.

 

Rey bucks, but he holds her in place, large hands grasping the back of her thighs. His mouth feels so hot on her it makes her head spin. Wetness seeps through the cloth and she doesn’t know if it is her or him who’s at fault. He feels him inhale her scent.

 

“Ben, you need to stop…”

 

 She puts her hands on his thick hair tugs for him to let go. He stares up at her brokenly.

 

"I know Rey. I know you can’t do this," he whispers. "I just wanted a moment before I let you go."

 

Rey feels a sob rise to her throat as new tears pool in her eyes. She brings the back of her hand to wipe at her face. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Ben…"

 

He sets his forehead on the apex of her thighs and tightens his grasp on her. Just a little. For a few moments.  She can’t be with him. In any way. It will break them beyond repair. He sees that too.

 

He lifts his gaze.

 

 _“Rey?”_ The teenage boy entreats. _“No, don’t you cry, little angel. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You were only protecting yourself.”_ He shows the scorched lightsaber mark on his shoulder _. “See? It’s nothing. It’ll heal.”_ Rey knows it looks gruesome and will leave a horrible scar.

 

Ben is in pain. She did this to him.

 

"Don't be sorry, my angel. Never be sorry for doing what is right by you."

 

She stares at him. At her own fallen angel on his knees.

 

"You need to change into something dry," she says. That gaze is tearing her apart.

 

He lifts himself up. He’s soaking wet, droplets of water falling on his broad shoulders and shirt clinging on his body. They must have been out in the rain for eons. He cups her face with cold hands and sets a kiss on her forehead. Those dark eyes are blood-shot.

 

"I will… Once you're in bed."

 

"I can't be sleeping in your bed every night," she implores. 

 

"Just for tonight. We’ll figure something out tomorrow."

 

He takes her by the hand, lacing his fingers with her own. Leads her to his bed and sets her in once more. Rey doesn’t believe his scent will ever leave her body again.

 

He covers her, strokes her wet hair and sets a press of his lips on hers again. It’s chaste and soft with just a hint of his taste and Rey savors it like it's her last breath. 

 

When Ben leaves the room, door hissing lightly behind him, Rey stares at it unblinking. It takes her a while to realize that new streaks of tears are running down her face and soaking his pillow.

 

And that he won’t be coming back.

 

**End of part I**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was contemplating dividing this story in two parts for a little while now. Mostly to emphasize the shift in their emotions and draw a line as to where they now stand. But also because this has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me as well, sucking my attention and time away from my everyday responsibilities. There are things I need to tend to that have piled up, so we’ll be taking a small break. I’ll be writing the next few chapters in the meantime but at a pace that I can control. 
> 
> Forgive my immaturity as a writer and the mistakes I make towards you. I build this story as we go along, integrating a lot of your thoughts and suggestions along the way. I hadn’t planned on dividing the story in the beginning. I felt the need to do so along the way.
> 
> When we come back, a little time will have gone by where Rey and Ben try to coexist without trespassing any lines. You know how well that will turn out. Especially when they try to repress those powerful emotions and growing need to be with one another in every possible way. Starkiller base destruction will happen in the next part. The Chiss will appear and inevitably so will Hannah. 
> 
> Song for this chapter “Running up that Hill” by Placebo.
> 
> Thank you all so so much for your support and love for this story! I don’t know how I will do without it for the next few weeks… I will be very happy to receive comments from you either here or on twitter. Part II will continue on the same link. I won't be putting up a new story. Just clarifying ♥️
> 
> Take good care of yourselves!


	21. Tainted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : I would love to bore you with a lengthy note but I’ll keep it short my friends, just like this introductory chapter. Consider this note my trigger warning for a few uncomfortable scenes that will be taking place further down in the story. (But I believe you are already well prepared for that!) And bear in mind that this is fiction and does not in any way excuse unhealthy relationships in our very real life. 
> 
> That being said, welcome back to Forbidden! 
> 
> Music selection for this chapter is “Time” by Hans Zimmer, from the soundtrack of Inception.

 

His reflection stares back at him in pity.

 

Despite the freshly shaved skin and carefully groomed hair. The covering of dark circles under his eyes and the expensive black shirt he is currently buttoning up his chest. His reflection sees who he is. Sees the wretched creature he has become. Judges him and scorns him. There’s nowhere to hide from it.

 

  _There never was._

 

Much less now. With the ruining he has brought to the one person that mattered the most in this traitorous universe. Because he has. In his endless desires and insatiable hunger he has pushed her too far. The Darkness that always clung like a second skin to him has seeped into the most angelic creature that has ever blessed his life. Tainted her.

 

He’s despicable.

 

Not worthy of her.

 

The man halts the slow progress of his fingers up his shirt and grasps the edges of the ebony furniture in front of him, back hunching over and head hanging between his shoulders.

 

He has allowed for this to happen. To crave for a piece of heaven. And in his heedlessness he reached out and snatched it with his claws.

 

And look at what he’s done...

 

He will never forgive himself.

 

Heartbeats pass and shaky breaths. Eventually he lifts his head to face himself again. He decides to leave the top two buttons of his shirt unfastened. Perhaps he can get to them later. He tucks the hems of his shirt into his pants willing the semi-hardness of him at the mere thought of the woman sleeping in his bed, to subside. He truly is a loathsome creature. He straps his leather belt around himself and buckles the platinum clasp with a harsh tug.

 

Ben looks up.

 

Looks at his reflection. At the refined monster in disguise.

 

His throat tightens.

 

He glances away, takes his overcoat and exits the room.

 

It’s barely dawn outside and he has been up for hours already. Trying to find comfort in morning workout routines and forgotten Jedi forms. In the Darkness of his meditation. But she is too distracting. Too Light. She affects him, spirals his concentration out of grasp. Brings his world inside out. For far too many exhausting days and sleepless nights.

 

He’s not the man he used to be. 

 

He can never be again. For she has, in turn, tainted him with this _emotion_. And there is no going back.

 

He slips his arms through the sleeves of his tailored overcoat, the stiffness of the rich fabric reigning in his rampant thoughts.  Helping him step into the role he plays so well. His footsteps echo down the long marble corridor of his estate, all the way to what is now Rey’s room.

 

Ben pauses and knocks on the door lightly. But he’s not surprised when she doesn’t answer back. He opens the door carefully and steps into the darkness of the room. The first hint of light is streaming through the large windows overlooking the glittering city of Coruscant far below. There is a veil of winter’s mist still lingering outside, settled comfortably on the Manarai mountaintops and surrounding his vast estate, discretely perched between two mountainsides. It will no doubt dissipate with the sun’s first rays.

 

Rey is asleep, nestled within his large four poster bed that has become hers in the last few weeks. He nearly smiles at the memory of her stubborn refusal to sleep on such a large bed, and preferring the hardness of the wooden floors. It took her a few nights but she eventually gave in. Or gave up on one more of her ascetic ways. He never asked if it felt like one more betrayal to her own self.

 

The heels of his shoes click against the wooden floor as he approaches her for one more morning. He sits on her side tugging lightly on the crisp fabric of his pants. The soft mattress dips under his weight but she doesn’t seem to be aware. She sleeps deeply, long tangled hair sprawled over the cotton of her pillows, lips slightly parted, slender chest rising and falling with every one of her breaths. Her little tank top has bunched itself up, revealing the planes of her muscled abdomen for him today, and just a small peak of the rosy nipple of her left breast. It’s his favorite moment of the day. Watching her sleep, features relaxed and peaceful. His little girl. His fearless Jedi. His _woman_ just out of reach.

 

_My reach._

 

Just the way she wished things to be.

 

“Rey?” He calls softly, affectionately. The sensation of her name rolling off his tongue being the closest part of her he will ever get to own.

 

She is still. His lovely girl sleeps.

 

He reaches for her arm. Runs his finger along the inside of it. Savors the soft skin. “Rey.”

 

She moans and pulls away at the touch. Like every day.

 

“It’s time to wake up.”

 

He waits for her to flutter her eyes open. This desperate thing inside him aches to be the first thing she sees every morning. The first person she hears. Perhaps a better memory of him will be planted in her mind eventually. One that she won’t associate with the pain he has made her feel. One that they both can share as a moment between them they can treasure.

 

_Like the others._

 

He doesn’t touch her again. He never does once she’s awake. This lovely creature that has taken possession of his heart.

 

Her eyes are red again. And swollen. It must not have been a good night for her. Somewhere inside him guilt rears its ugly head.

 

She fixes her gaze on him. Steady and penetrative in a way that only broken hearts bring forth. He tries not to get lost in it.

 

“Where are we going today?”

 

“Kuat. I will be inspecting the new battleships.”

 

She nods, looking away.

 

He allows himself to roam his eyes over her body once more before lifting himself off the bed. The sheets ruffle.

 

“I’ll be downstairs in my office,” he states impassively. He wants nothing more than to lift those covers and wrap himself around her warmth. Her throbbing heart. Bury himself inside her, in every crevice of her body. He does not let a single thought slip out into the Force.

 

He makes his way towards the door.

 

“Ben?”

 

His heart stutters painfully in his chest. Hopes.

 

“Have you eaten anything yet?”

 

He halts briefly and looks over his shoulder. He is starving.

 

 _For her_.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok. That’s good…”

 

For any crumbs that she will give him.

 

“Get ready.” He simply says and exits her room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little time has passed since their kiss in the rain and a very fragile balance exists between them. A few more details in the upcoming chapters about what they have been up to. 
> 
> I can’t guarantee that I’ll be updating as fast as the first part. But we only have around ten chapters to go. Approximately. I’ll do my best. 
> 
> Good to be back!


	22. Heal me

 

He has forgotten his black leather gloves back in Coruscant and he is being _impossible_.

 

It doesn’t seem like a big deal. People forget things the whole time. And a pair of forgotten gloves during a visit to Kuat’s manufacturing yards is hardly considered significant in the galaxy’s grand scheme of things. But this is the Governor of Coruscant we’re talking about, Rey tries to remind herself. Having him aggravated this early in the day will probably cause some insignificant planet in the Outer Rim to go bankrupt, just because he refuses to sign a document without his beloved gloves.

 

Rey stands a few paces in back of him during the inspection of the battleships but can almost see the crease between his brows and the down curl of his lips.

 

The shipyards are endless and his temper short.

 

Nothing ever seems to satisfy him these days. Not even a fleet of latest technology battleships about to be released to the Republic.

 

She would like to pretend it has all to do with the escalating pressure of the impending war, and nothing to do with her own presence having become an oppressive shadow to him. But she knows better than that by now.

 

 The balance between them is so brittle, Rey feels like it could shatter with a sigh.

 

It’s the reason, she believes, he has chosen for the two of them to reside in his vast estate, where corridors upon corridors, and countless rooms can be placed between them. And it has worked to a point. Rey barely gets to see him on a one to one bases anymore. There’s always some guard, or keeper or even annoying maintenance droid around, preventing them from having any kind of closer contact than insignificant small talk. It’s all very well staged and choreographed. A constant, vigilant dance around each other that does not allow any missteps.

 

It’s endearing watching Ben try to keep her at arm’s length.

 

Except for the mornings.

 

Those mornings when he comes in to wake her with the softest voice, it’s when he allows all his emotions to lie bear for her to revel in, to savor. To keep.  Little moments of what could have been if things were different. She tries not to show him what they mean to her.

 

Sometimes she feels like those mornings are all that will be left of them in the end.

 

He furls and unfurls those ungloved fingers with his mood as bleak as those perpetual blacks he likes to wear. He stands out amongst their small company, with that ridiculous height of his and that flare of his expensive heavy cloak at every heavy step he takes. Everyone is on edge around him. Skittish because of a power they cannot comprehend. But Rey now recognizes what lies behind this compelling power. What has intrigued her and drawn her in, from the moment she set eyes on him after all these years. What she has become so addicted to with just a few touches.

 

_His Darkness._

 

It throbs invitingly around him. She really never stood a chance.

 

Their party is going down glass corridors overlooking the hauls of enormous ships at the last stage of construction, and mechanical units so technologically advanced that leave Rey marveling at the sight with barely contained wonder. The screeching and harsh industrial sounds of metal, pierces the enhanced duraglass of the corridor, making it particularly difficult to follow the conversation Ben is having with the Director of Kuat’s shipyards. They speak of ion torpedoes and shield leech weapons, and other armaments that Rey can barely distinguish their names and capabilities over the insane noise.

 

She allows her mind to drift. As she often does these days. To revisit their kiss in the stormy night. To revel on the sensation of his large hands on her drenched body. The vulnerability in his gaze, under the stinging rain, as he set something valuable in her hands. More valuable than his own life.

 

Rey shuts her eyes. Her accelerating heart beating painfully inside her, as it does every time her thoughts stray to him. At what they could have had that night…

 

She _misses_ him. Every day she misses him. Even if he stands just a few paces away.

 

Ben’s voice booms over the commotion snapping her back to their harsh reality.

 

“Shield power will not be sacrificed for weaponry. I was specific about this when we ordered the battleships.”

 

“Sir, it’s impossible to have power enough to sustain the weapons you have demanded and hold shields at maximum capacity at the same time. No ship has ever been created that could…”

 

“No ship has gone against a Star Destroyer since the Empire, Director. What’s the point of doing so if we cannot sustain shields?”

 

“The XF-20 power generators that have been installed in the ships will provide enough shield stability throughout the battle. They will not succumb easily to ion torpedoes that will be released by the Star Destroyers. You must understand that…”

 

Ben raises his hand to silence the Director, clearly very irritated.

 

“I have lifted the embargo off Cygnus Spaceworks. I’ll make sure their latest design on Urgent need reactor component will be sent to you to manufacture and install on the ships. I am not discussing this any further.”

 

The Director presses his lips tightly, turning an impressive color of maroon. Rey knows Kuat won’t be happy to work with Cygnus Spaceworks but Ben has a point. The battleships have been designed to be agile and fast but smaller in comparison to Star Destroyers. They have to be well armed to bring such a ship down and very well shielded to withstand its fire.

 

Their engine power will be enormous.

 

And that’s when Rey senses it. Feels a thought brush the outskirts of her mind. One that she’s felt before…

 

She swirls her head trying to pinpoint the origin. But it slips through her mind like running water through fingertips.

 

_Damn it._

 

She fists her hands. Their party is relatively small. Kuat is represented by the Director of the planet’s shipyards, the Chief Engineer, a couple of administrative escorts and guards. And from their side there’s Ben, her, Jeff, a couple of their security men and Nylus Dover, Coruscant’s Minister of Defense. Rey can’t understand who would have this kind of…

 

Rey tilts her head and looks at the man standing quietly and attentively to the side. His thoughts are as calm and pleasant as always. Too much now that she thinks about it, in comparison to everybody else’s constant jumble of thoughts and emotions permeating the Force. Rey knows the man does not like the Governor. His distaste slips through from time to time. And she knows he can become fearful of Ben when his fury is directed immediately at him. But there’s something flat and abnormal about his mind now that she notices. As if he is capable of reigning it in.

 

_Controlling it._

 

Jeff turns to look at her. And sends her a light smile.

 

How could she not have noticed this before?

 

Rey smiles back politely.

 

How could she have so foolishly fallen for that charming innocence?

 

She wants to beat herself up for her incompetence and crawl back to Luke to tell him she has failed him and betrayed his trust in the worst possible way. Because, of course, Rey hadn’t noticed anything till now. She has been too _preoccupied_ with Ben.

 

_Fuck!_

 

A loud curse breaks in the air and for a split moment Rey doesn’t know if it came from her or _him._

 

Ben is clutching the broken and splintered metal railing of the corridor in his right hand. Blood is already running down his hand and dripping down in red pools on the immaculate white floor.

 

She’s on his side in an instant.

 

“What did you do?” She takes his hand as everyone crowds in nervously to see the extent of damage on the Governor’s hand. She can hear someone call for a medical droid.

 

Ben grunts as she removes the crushed metal from his grip. The gash is deep, cutting all the way down to small muscles and tendons. He clenches his teeth.

 

“Ben. Really?”

 

“Now you know why I insist on wearing gloves,” he grits out.

 

This must really hurt. Rey shakes her head. A piece of clean cloth is offered to her and she wraps it around his hand applying pressure to it, in order to stop the bleeding. Keeping this man in one piece is indeed a full time job. The iron scent of blood saturates the already heavy industrial air.

 

“Is there some place we can go for him to sit?”

 

“There is an office just around the corner,” the Director informs them looking very concerned. Probably nothing to do with Ben’s injury and all to do with the potential of the Governor’s wrath upon him.

 

Ben presses the cloth to his hand and follows Rey. They enter a large room made of glass and metal just like everything else on this planet. There's a woman sitting at a desk, discussing the hologram of a ship hovering over its surface, with a couple of other mechanics. They all quickly scramble to their feet upon the Governor’s entry. Rey has started getting used to this universal reaction at Ben’s presence.

 

The commotion over his hand is almost funny, as staff and assistants surround him in a matter of instants. Rey doesn’t believe it will be long before he snaps.

 

“ _Out_!” he growls eventually. “All of you, out!”

 

“Governor, we need to assess the extent of damage…”

 

“No one touches my hand, I said! Clear the room. My Jedi is the only person who will remain.”

 

Rey watches warily as one by one the personnel files out of the office and the whoosh of the shutting doors resonate behind them. He sits gloomily on the edge of the large desk pressing on his hand, his figure a stark contrast to the whites and pale grey’s of the room. She realizes that she hasn’t been alone with him in a while. In quite a while. He chews on his lip and lifts the cloth to check out his wound. It bleeds still.

 

“Heal me.” He demands raising those dark eyes to look at her.

 

It’s exactly what she feared he would ask of her.

 

“Why did you kick everyone out? They are much better qualified to heal you than I am.”

 

“That’s not true. I’ve seen what you’re capable of.”

 

She wraps her arms around her waist and looks away. She has to look away. She keeps forgetting how compelling those dark eyes are. “I think I should call the medics back in.”

 

“I don’t _want_ the medics.”

 

“Well, you can’t always have what you want now, can you?”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Ben…” She rubs at her forehead. Trying to reason with this crazy man is beyond impossible at times. “You need the medics to fix your hand.”

 

There’s a light pause before he speaks again softer. So much softer. “That’s not what I need.”

 

He watches her somberly for a few moments. Waiting for her to say something. But she doesn’t.

 

“You’re just as good and much more pleasant to watch,” he continues. The side of his mouth quirks into a little awkward smile. He’s attempting to be funny but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s too weak to drive their melancholy away.

 

He lifts his undamaged hand. “Come here. You don’t have to stand so far away from me.”

 

Rey looks at him rooted stubbornly in her place. What he’s asking her to do is not fair. He gets off the desk, approaches her in a steady, slow pace. Comes to stand before her.

 

The way her heart beats when he’s so close is not _fair_.

 

“Rey.” And the way he says her name. As if it’s something precious.

 

“Ben, why are you doing this?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“You know what I’m talking about.”

 

“No, I don’t. You have to tell me.”

 

She shakes her head and looks away again. Her chest is starting to throb.

 

“Ben, let me bring in the medics…”

 

“No.”

 

He doesn’t understand what it is that he’s asking her to do. He offers her his hand, the one with the blood-stained cloth wrapped around it. It’s trembling lightly.

 

“Heal me, Rey.”

 

She looks at him. Wonders if he’s asking for her to heal more than just a gash on his hand. His face blurs behind a shin of tears but she thinks his eyes look just as molten.

 

Only he doesn’t _understand_.

 

“I can’t _.”_

 

The Force is not the same anymore.

 

“You saved me weeks ago. And that wound was deadly. Surely, this is nothing in comparison to…”

 

“I can’t do it, Ben!”

 

He flinches with something akin to shame in his eyes, and it only makes her feel worse.

 

It tears at her how much she’s changed. How her wants swivel into that pond of cool serenity that has always been the Light, muddling its waters and sullying their clearness. She rubs at her forehead feeling frustration bubble in her chest.

 

“I don’t know _how_ anymore. The Light side just doesn’t feel the same. It’s not as bright and clear, and my hold on it is not as strong. Believe me, I wish I could but…”

 

“Rey, it’s alright.” He tries to comfort her but it sounds so futile. “You probably just need to calm down.”

 

“But it will never be alright! Not for me. This is who I am. The Light side is who I _am_ , and if I can’t access it then…”

 

She grunts, pressing the heel of her palms in her eyes. This is all so _wrong_. So terribly and unacceptably wrong. And what drives her absolutely furious with herself is that she would do everything all over again.

 

Every. Single. Moment of it.

 

_Just to have him in my arms._

 

There’s a ruffle of thick fabric and his large hands wrap around her wrists, tugging them carefully away from her stinging eyes. He holds them to his chest. Looks at her with that unwavering way of his.

 

“You’re not supposed to touch me.” She states weakly. Her voice is quivering and her throat feels tight. And she knows that he can’t break that rule. Not now. Not when she’s a step away from falling apart.

 

“I don’t care… It was a stupid rule to begin with,” he offers softly as if he’s read her mind. “How can I stay away when you’re like this?”

 

She feels a tear spill down the curve of her cheek.

 

Ben takes that final step keeping them from one another. His hands come to wrap around her gently and she finds herself pressed against him. He holds her. He just holds her in his arms and solid body, naturally, as if it’s always meant to be this way and Rey melts. Her head nestles in the crook of his neck and his fingers get buried in her strands. She wraps her own arms tightly around him. Inhales his musk.

 

_Too long…_

 

It has been too long since she last felt his touch.

 

“It’s alright,” he whispers in her hair again, kisses her strands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I’m so sorry…” He caresses her face, patiently, tenderly waiting for her to calm down. Not letting his hold on her slip. Not even a little.

 

When Rey lifts her head to look at him there’s something about his expression that makes her whole body ache down to the tip of her fingers. He holds her gaze for the span of a breath. And then he’s leaning in, setting a kiss on her forehead. And then lower, on the tip of her nose and the salt on her cheek. His warm breath fans on her sensitive skin, making her whole body break into a light shiver. He marks her with his soft lips all the way to her treacherous heart.

 

He’s kissing the side of her mouth now. Once. Twice. Not daring to venture any further.

 

And Rey can’t. She just can’t…

 

She tilts her head.

 

And reaches for his kiss.

 

He pulls away slightly to look at her. Verify that this is what she wants. She doesn’t let him stay away for long. She bunches the fabric of his cloak in her fists, tightens her grasp on him and captures his lips.

 

 _Gods_ , she has missed him.

 

His touch is reverent. And his kiss fervent. But when his teeth graze her bottom lip something between them crumples to dust.

 

His hold on her tightens. He molds her to his body and leans in to take what he can. Her back arches.

 

The Force unravels, becomes unhinged.

 

The room starts to spin. Or maybe it’s the whole galaxy. Because his step falters, and there’s a loud clatter of objects that must have come crashing down but neither of them pay attention.

 

She thinks she’s being lain against a smooth surface. But it’s hard to tell. All she’s aware of, is his mouth wet and obscene against hers. And tongue and teeth and heated breath. The raw strength of his muscles under thick clothes and a delicious, heavenly friction between her thighs.

 

Her legs are wrapped around him and Rey doesn’t quite remember how that happened.

 

She weaves her fingertips in thick, silky hair and he groans, this primal shameless sound, which reverberates inside her and makes her core throb. The one he is so eagerly grinding against, stealing any reason from her.

 

Rey wants to stay tangled with his body forever.

 

There’s a haze in her mind clouding her thinking, and all she knows is that this isn’t enough. She wants him to be even closer. To become _part_ of her.

 

Run in her very veins.

 

_I’m losing my mind._

 

She chuckles in his mouth. His hands on her thighs tighten possessively in response. She’ll have bruises forming she is certain. Little violet and blue marks reminding her of this cherished transgression.

 

Rey wants her whole body covered with them.

 

She _is_ losing her mind. Her very own self.

 

Rey suddenly pulls away. It’s the most painful thing she has ever done, tearing herself from him. Writhing for a moment in his clutch and watching his eyes widen in surprise. He steps away in alarm and heaves these painful deep breaths with flared nostrils and wild eyes.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” he pants out.

 

She scrambles to her feet. A desk. She had been laying on a desk. “No, no, you did nothing wrong.”

 

“Then why…” he steps closer to her, boot crunching on metal and broken glass, and she mirrors him by stepping back. He looks at her completely crestfallen. “Why did you pull away? I thought you…”

 

“It was a slip up.”

 

“A slip up? _What_?” He frowns in complete confusion, reaching for her again.

 

She takes another step back. “Ben, please…”

 

He halts as the painful realization starts to settle in his face. He clenches his fists and Rey watches mortified, blood seep through the cloth once again and drip on the floor.

 

“You don’t want me to touch you,” he says.

 

“No, that’s not it.”

 

“Well, then what the hell _is_ it, Rey? Because you’re not making any sense right now.”

 

“We got caught up in the moment,” she tries to explain, tries to find some kind of reason behind what just happened. “A very powerful and intimate moment and it’s something that we shouldn’t…”’

 

“… have done. Of course,” he drawls with a bitter chuckle. He looks to the side chewing the inside of his cheek. “Maker forbid, we do something that we both want.”

 

Rey presses her lips. He’s being petty and unfair and he should know better. He should know how hard it is to keep this distance between them.

 

“We have both agreed that it would be best if we didn’t …pursue any further what has been happening between us and…”

 

“No. That was what _you_ chose,” he snaps. “I simply respected your wishes, Rey.”

 

“Don’t blame this on me! You know we can’t be anything more than… than friends.”

 

The choice of words sounds horrible even to her own ears. And judging from the darkening expression on his face and the cold tilt of his head as he looks at her, they sound even more horrid to Ben.

 

“Friends?” He challenges. “You consider us as being friends?”

 

“I…” _Shit._

 

His eyes narrow. “Perhaps you should have clarified our relationship status a bit better, my darling _friend_ , before you kissed the living breath out of me. A few more moments and my cock would have _slipped_ inside you.”

 

Rey’s eyes widen. And for a second, for a split moment, every instinct tells her to revolt against his indecency. She once had, after all, by slapping him across his face. But things have changed between them since then. She’s seen the monster within, and knows his growl.

 

But his bite, especially in defense, can still very much hurt.

 

She closes the space between them, stares at him long and hard.

 

“And under different circumstances perhaps I would have enjoyed your cock, _Governor,_ if you weren’t such an ass the whole time and making me regret all the things that we _have_ shared together.”

 

Her heart is beating frantically in her chest and she can barely believe those words came out of her mouth. But he deserved them. Every single one of them.

 

“Don’t mess with me, little girl,” he warns darkly.

 

“I’m not a little girl anymore.”

 

 _The man chuckles politely._ _But it's_ _not the hearty laughter that used to bubble in the boy’s chest. “I have known her since she was a little girl,” he says to a guest at their table. Then turns to regard her behind the rim of his glass, bottomless eyes roaming over her body. “She has changed quite a lot, needless to say.”_

 

The expression on his face is simply priceless and a small part of her revels in it. She can almost see his breath leave his body, evaporate into thin air.

 

Along with his restraint.

 

He crowds her in and grasps her chin, those dark eyes simmering dangerously. Rey finds herself electrified from the anticipation of not knowing what to expect from him. A crippling kiss or another stinging backlash.

 

And then a voice spills in the air like a bucket of ice.

 

“Sir? I presume your hand is better?”

 

His body against her freezes and the Force goes numb.

 

The split apart faster than the speed of light. Ben runs his hand through his hair while Rey tries to smooth away the creases of her clothes.

 

It’s Nylus Dover, his Minister who’s currently regarding them with a very sullen face. Rey feels heat spread to her face. They must be quite a sight. A very indecent and completely inexcusable sight.

 

Ben collects himself rather quickly. Steps in front of her as if trying to shield her.

 

 “I don’t believe I allowed anyone to enter.”

 

“There was a clatter. We were concerned. I took the liberty to check if you needed any help.”

 

“We’re fine.”

 

“So it seems.”

 

Ben takes a step in his direction. A very menacing step.

 

“Are you mocking us?”

 

“This situation is hardly one to be laughed about, sir. It’s actually very grave.” The older man pauses, and all semblance of formality slips away. “Ben, you _must_ be more careful. If someone else had walked in… “

 

Ben runs his good hand through his hair, his own rigid stance disappearing as well. “Yes, yes. I know…”

 

“Not in public. There are enough rumors spreading as it is.”

 

“I said I _know_.”

 

The man’s blue eyes turn to Rey. Almost as if he’s speaking only to her. Imploring her. “You must not continue this. The Chiss are not to be toyed with. For all we know they might switch sides just because they have felt insulted. The wedding has already been postponed long enough.”

 

Rey doesn’t know where to hide.

 

“It won’t happen again, I promise you. It was a mistake,” she says stiffly. “Send in medical personnel to stitch his wound in the meantime.” She feels Ben’s burning eyes on her but Rey doesn’t look back. What’s done, is done. She can’t allow them to lose control like this again.

 

“And I’ll get you a cloak, my lady. The two of you have made quite a mess.”

 

Rey glances down at her clothes. The blood in his hand that has seeped through the cloth has left imprints on them, little telltale signs of where it has been and what it has done. She had barely been aware of half of them. She nods trying to hide the red smudge running along her left breast.

 

The Minister disappears behind the hissing of doors. Leaving them to regard each other in heavy silence. Rey looks away just as the doors of the office part again to allow the rolling of droids and a medic to stride in. They crowd around Ben immediately.

 

It takes him a while before he takes his heavy gaze off her.

 

They barely exchange a word on their return trip to Coruscant. He remains locked in his quarters and she chooses to stay in the cockpit watching the endless blue swirl of hyperspace with a mind too numb to process the complicated situation they’re in.

 

Weeks of teetering on the edge, only for everything to go up in flames in the heat of a moment. Literally.

 

He barely bids her a goodnight when they reach his estate sometime late at night. He crosses the dimly lit foyer in long strides, not even bothering to remove his heavy cloak, and goes up the stairs swiftly. Rey watches his tall form blend into the shadows of the upper level and the echo of his heavy steps disappear down the long, marble corridor.

 

She blinks lightly under the soft lighting of a table lamp, and catches her reflection in an ornate mirror. Only then does she realize how much she has been affected. The young woman with the sad eyes looking back at her seems almost a stranger.

 

The next morning Rey wakes on her own, feeling as drained and heavy as the moment she lay to sleep. Weak sunrays stream through her window and the rich scents of wet earth and damp forest fill the room. It’s late. Much later than the time she’s used to waking up and a droid is already whirring about, straightening the room. She stares at it with a sinking heart.

 

Because Ben, she realizes, never came into the room to wake her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, he's not being spiteful. Well, maybe a little... We'll get a better idea in the next chapter. And also Starkiller Base is coming up. Can't wait for your thoughts!


	23. Until the end of the world

 

She finds him standing on the eastern veranda of his grand mansion, overlooking one of the many sharp cliffs of the Manarai mountains. It’s a quiet, secluded part of his estate, tucked under protruding rocks and surrounded by ancient pine trees, with the remainders of morning mist crystalizing on their branches. The sky is heavy overhead, hiding the tips of the mountains within its leaden clouds.

 

Rey wraps her thick, white cloak around her to protect her form the crisp morning air. The atmosphere is saturated with last night’s rain and there’s a chill running down her spine despite the thick fabric of her outfit and the fur lining of her vest. Winter it seems is just around the corner.

 

From the canyon below, the harsh sound of a river thrashing on rocks drifts to her ears. Ben doesn’t seem to be aware of her. Or perhaps he chooses not to acknowledge her presence as she comes to stand next to him. She wouldn’t be surprised.

 

“The Council is looking for you,” she says studying his profile. “It seems to be urgent. Shouldn’t we be on our way already?”

 

He’s staring at the sky. Brows furrowed and lips pressed tightly together. Staring at the tumbling grey clouds as if he could bend them to his will. It seems the forces of nature are the only ones that refuse to do so nowadays.

 

“You’re late,” he rumbles without turning to look at her.

 

“You didn’t come to wake me.”

 

His lip curls lightly. “Is that a hint of accusation in your voice?”

 

“It’s been a habit these past few days,” she points out.  One she has become too addicted to. Rey craves his first, soft touch of the day and the timber of his morning voice, as if they hold the promise of a future they could almost have.

 

“Perhaps, it’s a habit that needs to be changed.”

 

Rey flinches. Feeling as if he’s pulling the ground from under her feet. His sharp profile is still aimed at the sky.

 

“Because of what happened in Kuat?”

 

“Because, like you, I need to set my own boundaries.”

 

He says these words simply. With a matter of fact tone of voice that makes her cringe at how wrong it all sounds.

 

“I think you’re taking what happened there the wrong way.”

 

“Am I, now?”

 

He’s probably taunting her, trying to get a rise out of her and spice up his day. Force knows he’s good at that. He’s probably just making another terrible joke, like the one about the failing negotiations taking place in the Bothan sector.

 

But there’s something in the way he stands, in the curve of his broad shoulders and the thickness of his voice.

 

No. He’s not teasing her.

 

“We just need to be more careful around each other,” she states.

 

He grunts at the sky, this throaty sound of frustration.  She hates when he’s like this. Overdramatizing things between them for no reason. Acting as if it’s the end of the world.

 “I’m tired of being _careful.”_

 

“Well, we don’t have much of a choice. And there’s really no need to add more meaning to what happened in that office. It was only a kiss. At a very, very wrong moment. ”

 

“And what kind of moment would you consider as being right?”

 

She raises her eyebrow. “Do you really want me to answer?”

 

He clenches his jaw. Rey sighs, and tries to gather her thoughts because she can sense that _his_ are straying down a path that will only lead to a terrible argument. And she can’t have that. Not anymore.

 

“Ben, I don’t want to fight with you. Things have been good between us lately. Amicable.” He is shaking his head and Rey hurries to continue before he intervenes. “And besides, I’m terrible at waking up early in the mornings. In the academy I was always the last one to reach the training grounds and…”

 

His gloved hands grasp the stone railing of the veranda tightly enough to leave imprints on it.

 

“Rey.”

 

“…Luke would get furious with me. It was actually kind of funny watching him roll his eyes and swear he’d never come across a more hopeless case than me…”

 

“Rey, stop.”

 

“No, Ben, _please_ … Nothing needs to change between us.”

 

He turns to look at her and her breath hitches. His eyes are red-rimmed and glassy, and his jaw clenches in some kind of effort to control the storm inside him.

 

“There is no _us_. You have made that clear on more than one occasion.”

 

Rey feels a desperate anger rise inside her. “What do you want from me, Ben?” Her voice quivers in the cold.

 

 “What I want is not something you’re willing to give.”

 

“You’re getting married in a few weeks! There is no hope for us.”  He makes everything so damn _impossible_. She can’t have him raise those walls again. And she can’t fall for him any further than she already has. They have to remain as they are right now. Caught in this limbo between sacred desires and wretched needs. There is just no other _way_. “It’s hard enough trying to let go of you now, I cannot imagine what it might like be if we take _us_ any further… Why do you want us to go through such pain?”

 

“Because it will be _worth_ it!”

 

He curses and pushes himself off the railing. Rey watches him pace the ground, raking his hand through his hair. She stands completely still, waiting for him to finally release his tightly coiled emotions that have been eating at him since their first kiss in the rain. It has been inevitable. He stops, at last, and stares at her with a wilderness that makes her chest hurt.

 

Little flakes have started falling from the sky, tiny white specks, barely perceptible. They are settling on his midnight strands and broad shoulders, little white allies trying to cover the Darkness underneath.

 

“I want to give us a chance.”

 

“What … what do you mean?” She’s stammering. Those eyes on her are making her stumble for words. A strange light has ignited inside them. A light that can easily be stoked into a raging fire.

 

“Hannah won’t care. You can stay in my apartment in Coruscant, continue to be my bodyguard, no one needs to know anything. And even if they suspect, they won’t dare to say a word. I’ll make sure of that.”

 

She’s already shaking her head. “Ben…”

 

“No, no, just listen. There’s a war ahead and I’ll need your protection. It would be the perfect excuse for you to remain on my side. Don’t you see? We could be together, Rey, just think about it!”

 

She shakes her head again.

 

What she wouldn’t give to wake up with him on her side. Every morning. For the rest of her life.

 

But not like this… Not in hiding and in shame.

 

“What you are asking from me will destroy us,” she whispers at him.

 

And just like that the fire is out. Replaced only by ice and stinging rejection. His gaze hardens.

 

“It already has.”

 

“That is not true!”

 

He always finds an opening, an unguarded little place of her heart to release his attack. And he does so in the cruelest, most damaging way. This selfish, _spiteful_ man that wants everything or nothing at all.

 

He clenches his fists. “I can’t do this anymore, Rey. Wait for you. Hope that you will one day change your mind.”

 

“Change my mind? What made you think that I would ever…”

 

She pauses because she recognizes the roots of his hope. She has cultivated it herself, fed it and nourished it unbeknownst to her. For weeks.

 

_The man looks up at her from his datapad, with the most adorable frown. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the teenage boy of the past from the man he has grown to become. “You’re staring at me,” he says with a curl of his lips. It hooks itself on her fluttering insides. Rey bites her nail as she steals glances at him from the holonet show she’s watching. She smiles at him timidly back._

 

His eyes are on her today with the darkest shade she has ever seen. He’s usually very careful with the emotions seeping into the Force. But not today. Today Ben leaves them spread at her feet. He wants her to know. He wants her to know how much she makes him _hurt._

 

“I’m not some lovesick fool that you can toss around in accordance to your moods,” he strikes at her.

 

The snow has thickened, covering with a thin white layer the stone railing and the tips of the pine trees. Everything will be covered in white by nightfall. It will be the most beautiful sight she has seen in many, many years. Only she won’t be able to admire it and revel in it tonight. Because the man before her is breaking her heart in this winter’s day. She can almost hear its crack in the muffled silence.

 

“Is that what you think of me? Is that what you believe I do with you? Toy with your feelings?”

 

He’s studying her, refusing to give her access to what he considers a weakness.

 

“I have spoken to Luke,” he announces. “I’ve told him that you will be returning to the Academy and that I won’t be needing anymore of his help.”

 

 “I am not leaving you. Not now with all that’s happening in the galaxy. There have been two attempts on your life already and no one can protect you the way…”

 

“I don’t want your help! And I no longer give a damn if there’s another attempt on my life. The whole galaxy can all go up in flames for all I care!”

 

“You have sacrificed your life and dreams for the Republic. Don’t think that you can convince me of your indifference!”

 

He is upon her in two steps, looming over her like Darkness itself.

 

“Let me get something straight with you,” he sneers. “I am no Jedi. I do not fight for what is honorable and good in this shitty galaxy. I fight for control and power. That is all that has ever mattered to me.”

 

“You care about this galaxy, just the way you care about _me_.” Rey fumes. Nothing logical comes out of his mouth when he’s upset.

 

“You think you know me so well, don’t you?”

 

“I know you well enough to see behind your masks. You’re being unreasonable,” she grits at him. “And childish. Allowing emotions to interfere with your judgement.”

 

“I am trying to _protect_ myself!” He roars. “From _you_.”

 

His deep voice covers the rushing waters and resonates in the canyon. Leaves her speechless.

 

Rey bites her lip to the point of bleeding.

 

“I would never hurt you…”

 

His dark eyes linger on her, on the broken skin of her lip.

 

“Oh, but you have become so good at it, Rey.”

 

Snow has seeped into his black hair dripping from their tips, and his lip trembles lightly from the cold.

 

From the burden of the emotion Rey knows he carries for her.

 

But he tries to hold his ground. As if this is some kind of battlefield and he is hemorrhaging before her feet.

 

She shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath. It’s the only thing she can do at this point. She focuses on the cold that’s prickling her skin and burning her lungs. On the silence of the sleeping mountains and the rattled breath coming from the aching man before her. On the emotion he is desperately trying to reign back in. To cage.

 

She opens her eyes to look at him.

 

Their mingled breaths mist in front of them, and his cheeks and tip of his nose are flushed. It’s so rare and beautiful, this color that livens up his face, that she wants nothing more than to set her lips on it and drink it in.

 

It’s so tempting. To just give in to what he asks of her. To wake every morning with his body wrapped around her and his soft breath in her ear.

 

_Would it be so bad?_

 

She reaches for a snowflake that has settled on the high bone of his cheek.

 

Give in to what they both want and wipe the world away?

 

But he grasps her wrist, black leather digging into her white fur, before she is able to brush the snowflake away.

 

“No. You don’t get to touch me.”

 

His clutch is strong and painful and Rey tries to pull her hand away. The pain is a sharp reminder of their reality.

 

“Ben, you’re hurting me!”

 

She tries to tug her hand free from a grip that’s like an iron vice around her wrist. But he doesn’t let go. She knows that when the time comes neither of them will be able to let go.

 

He stares at her, but instead of releasing her like she thought he would, he tugs her closer. And closer. Bringing the inside of her wrist to his lips. It’s searing hot, the kiss he sets on the delicate skin showing under the fur lining of her sleeve. His clutch softens and his eyes fall shut, and his warmth seeps into her shivering body.

 

“I _want_ you…” he mumbles achingly, cradles her hand on his cheek. “I want to be inside you. Please don’t deny me anymore, Rey.”

 

Playful, dark eyes fleet through her mind.

 

But they no longer belong to the teenage boy. They belong to a man _._

 

 _“Ah, but you deny me yet again…” the man says, as he looks at her over his shoulder. “My Jedi takes great pleasure in rejecting any kind of offer for simple entertainments,” he complains to an older man walking on his side. A politician like him in the Council of Coruscant. “I never considered a stroll to the Government District of Coruscant to be of such great danger to my life.” He chuckles. Rey rolls her eyes at his teasing remark_.

 

But there is nothing playful about this moment. Not anymore.

 

“We can’t…”

 

He immediately releases her and steps back averting his eyes. His heel crunches on the thin layer of snow covering the stone ground. It sounds dreadfully close to shards of glass.

 

Rey waits with her heart lodged in her throat for what he will say next. But he doesn’t say anything more.

 

He abruptly turns around to head inside, black cloak sweeping the snow white ground and leaving a dark trail behind him.

 

She calls to him before she can stop herself.

 

“Ben…Wait.”

 

He stops a few paces away and turns his head over his shoulder, in his usual silent invitation. He waits. But Rey doesn’t say what has been screaming inside her for weeks. She doesn’t say a single word.

 

“The marriage vows to Hannah will take place ten days from now at the Old Jedi Temple,” he says frigidly. “Luke has promised to bring in a Jedi to replace you on that day. You will be free to leave any time you wish after the ceremony.” He resumes his walk without sending her another glance. “Don’t leave my side today,” he commands, before going through the tall balcony doors.

 

Rey stands in the snowfall staring at his retreating back and feeling her whole body go numb. She looks up at the sky while snowflakes brush against her skin almost in some kind of heavenly comfort. But Rey barely senses it.

 

The world is tipping over. She is gliding down its surface along with anything else she has ever considered solid up until now.

 

And Ben will no longer be at its end to catch her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to catch the depth of emotion in Ben is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Ugh... Which is why I feel the need to leave the following comment. Don't expect major character development in this story. Especially under such a pressing situation as the one they're in. Character doesn't really change in a person anyway but behavior can. And Ben tries to change for Rey's sake, in his own very unorthodox way. 
> 
> This chapter was meant to be longer but I divided it because it read better. I'll be posting the next one tomorrow. 
> 
> Title to this chapter inspired by "Until the end of the world" by U2, Achtung Baby album.


	24. Too late

 

They barely get off his black shuttle when the Secretary of Council approaches them hastily on the landing bay, with his robes flailing in the crisp winter wind and his round belly bouncing in step. Ben, next to her, halts expectedly and leans over to hear what the shorter man has to say.

 

What little color Ben has drains from his face.

 

"What's wrong?"  She asks when she sees him clenching his jaw. The wind has really picked up, whipping at their cloaks and ruffling Ben's mane of hair. Heavy clouds have rolled in, taking over the city. 

 

"Intel is stating that the weapon on Starkiller Base is aimed at the Hosnian sector. It started powering up this morning." He states flatly. But Rey can sense there is more troubling him in the Force. "Come. The infiltration team has already begun its work. I hope it will be enough."

 

The Government building is in turmoil when they enter, and reports are already handed to him the moment they enter the Council Conference room. A few of the members are already there, and holonet connections to Hosnian Prime and other major worlds are already being established. 

 

Ben takes his seat in front of a holoprojection of the Republic’s High Chancellor, who is currently in the Hosnian sector.  He loosens the buttons of his collar - which Rey considers a worrisome sign on its own.

 

"A mug of caf," he says to Kaydel before he begins. "Black."

 

"Let's hope this isn't the last time we speak, Governor," the older man states with a sad smile on his lips.

 

"I hope not either, Sir. You have promised me a week’s vacation on your personal resort in Hosnian Prime. I would hate to miss the opportunity."

 

The old man chuckles with a shake of his head. 

 

"Have the X-wings been dispatched?"

 

"Yes. And the bombs are being set by the infiltration team as we speak. We had a recent message from the  _ Millenium Falcon _ stating that it’s bringing in a new shipment of them, just to be on the … safe side."

 

"Isn't your father getting a bit old for this?"

  
  


Ben snorts. "Try telling  _ him  _ that. He's the one setting the new bombs on the weapon’s oscillator."

 

Rey studies Ben out of the corner of her eye. The dark circles under his eyes, the nervous fidgeting of his usually very composed gestures, the restlessness and plain flat out fear that emanate from him.

 

 His father. He must be concerned about his father.

 

There’s a pause while the two men, the High Chancellor with his white hair and neatly trimmed beard and clothes of pale greys, and the young Governor of Coruscant in his dark ensemble and jet black hair, regard each other solemnly as equals for a few moments. 

 

"May the Force be with you, Sir."

 

"Thank you my boy, we can only hope for the best. My regards to your mother.”

 

Time passes. People come and go within the Council. Ben converses tirelessly with his peers through the holoprojector. Or paces the grand room coming to stand every now and then in front of the large wall to wall window that overlooks the city of Coruscant. The weather is catching up, and snow has begun to fall on the ecumenopolis. But nothing slows the city’s busy life as shuttles continue to zoom back and forth in the airlanes, and people fill the streets, despite the promise of a blizzard that will soon be upon them.

 

_ In every sense. _

 

The Republic fleet stationed in the Hosnian sector is on red alert, preparing for immediate jump to hyperspace. Sadly enough, only a certain number of ships will be making it out since the hyperlanes will not be able to withstand a mass influx of warships.

 

This decision, amongst others, has fallen on Ben and the Minister of Defense.

 

There’s a strenuous effort taking place to evacuate civilians from the Hosnian sector. It is, of course, just as pointless.

 

Ben has removed his stifling robes and is on his third cup of caf when Rey decides that there’s nothing for her to do here. The building’s security has been enhanced by bringing in a squad of Coruscant’s Security Force, heavily armored police officers normally tasked to patrol the dingier, crime-infested Lower levels, while numerous police Force airshuttles are guarding the airlanes. It’s as safe as it can get, considering the circumstances.

 

It’s also the opportunity Rey has been looking for.

 

“Have you seen Jeff anywhere?” she asks Mike, one of Ben’s most trusted bodyguards, currently standing at the entrance of the room with his hands clasped behind his back.

 

He shakes his head negatively. Rey is not surprised. She hasn’t seen him, or sensed him either.

 

“He sent in his resignation this morning. Kaydel said something about him being fed up with the Governor’s behavior,” he answers back.

 

“How convenient,” she mumbles.

 

 “What did you say?”

 

“Never mind…” No need to explain the coincidence of Jeff’s sudden departure from Ben’s staff and Starkiller Base powering up in the same day. “I’ll be gone for a little while, alright? Keep an eye on the Governor.”

 

“What? No.” His eyes widen comically. “You’re not supposed to leave his side.”

 

“I”ll only be gone for a couple of hours the most. He probably won’t even notice. And even if he does, just tell him I went out to grab a bite to eat.” Rey shrugs. He’ll believe that.

 

“Miss Rey, if he finds out I let you go, he’ll have my liver for lunch. Tell me what you have in mind, and I’ll have a team assembled to do it for you.”

 

She looks up at the beastly looking man. He can be such a sweetheart at times. “Mike, I’m the only one who can do this. I’ll be back soon. Don’t let anyone I haven’t already cleared enter the Conference room until I’m back, ok?”

 

She watches him as he nods, completely crestfallen. He knows that he can’t stop her. Rey pats him on his thick shoulder and slips out of the room.

 

She weaves herself through the rushing personnel and down the main entrance of the Government building, that’s by now swarmed with reporters and holonet coverage. She keeps her head low and covered with her cloak’s hood, easily blending in with the crowd that comes and goes down the main steps, nudging curious glances away.

 

But Rey feels aggravated with herself. She has put the pieces together too late.

 

It’s not long before she lands the shuttle she has conveniently  _ borrowed  _ on a small landing bay that belongs to a small apartment building close to the Lower Levels. The sleek, shiny architecture is not prominent in this part of the city, and its streets and airlanes are crowded with shuttles that seem to be dated as far back as the Old Republic. Rey frowns, making a mental note to discuss the city’s less fortunate living conditions with Ben at some point, and see if he has any plans on rectifying these ailments.

 

There’s a few curious glances cast her way from humanoids as well as aliens as she makes her way inside, which Rey nudges away with the Force once more. Soon enough she’s standing outside Jeff’s door, pressing on the door’s ringing mechanism. After the second ring resounds and Jeff doesn’t come to the door, she decides to just override it.

 

When she sets foot inside, all her suspicions are verified. Jeff is in the process of fleeing.

 

He’s aiming a blaster in her direction, hand trembling lightly from the tension. She stills.

 

“You can’t stop me.”

 

Rey believes otherwise. He’s not Force sensitive himself. Just very well trained in dealing with them.

 

“Who are you giving information to?”

 

She takes a step in his direction, and he takes one step back. “Stop where you are!”

 

He looks horrible. Sleepless and unkempt in a way she has never seen him be. She wants to feel sorry for him. Only she doesn’t. These are stressful times, spiraling out of everyone’s control.

 

“Who is it, Jeff?” she says, trying to drown the urge to rip out what she wants from his mind. He will not be able to stop her. “Who’s betraying the Republic?”

 

“If I tell you I don’t get to live another day!”

 

“If you tell me, I’ll make sure you’re guarded by the Jedi.”

 

He chuckles coldly and grips his weapon. “No one can protect me from the First Order, Rey. Don’t fool yourself.”

 

She unhooks her saberstaff and stretches her other hand to him. “Hand me your weapon, Jeff,” she says calmly, using the Force to enhance her compulsion. But his walls are up, and her compulsion disperses into thin air. She’ll have to be a little more aggressive with him - and Rey  _ hates _ it.

 

“Don’t take another step, Rey. I’m warning you!” He’s aiming at her head, as he stands just a few feet away from her, and she really doesn’t want him to take that shot. It will just make things worse for him.

 

Her fingers curl. Asking for his weapon.

 

“I need to know the information you’ve given out,” she states firmly, holding on to his gaze. He’s scared, and his eyes dart all around the room.  “Put your weapon down and let’s talk calmly. You know I can take whatever I want.”

 

“I’m not giving you anything!” He grinds through clenched teeth.

 

The blaster goes off.

 

The laser beam is suspended in midair with a quick gesture from Rey, followed by his blaster being ripped from his grasp. She’s done playing nice.

 

Jeff gapes at her.

 

And then she does it. Digs fingers in his thoughts, clawing for the information she needs before he can push her out of his powerful mind.

 

Before she questions her ways…

 

He screams, clutching his head in pain and falling to his knees as she tears through his mind heedlessly. Desperately. She  _ needs _ to know who’s betraying Ben, and consequently the Republic.

 

When she stumbles across the memories her grasp falters. It’s the opportunity Jeff had been waiting for, because he immediately raises himself up, looking at her with wide green eyes. There’s a devastation and resolve behind the look he gives her that runs like cold water down her spine. His face is streaked with tears and his hair is matted to his face with sweat.

 

“You deserve him,” is all he says. “You’re just the monster he is. Goodbye, Rey.”

 

The truth of his words feels like a punch in the gut. She blinks, and that’s all it takes to lose him from her sight.

 

She expects him to go running through the open door behind her in an attempt to escape. She doesn’t expect him to rush towards a window. It slides open.

 

Jeff jumps off before she can stop him.

 

Rey stumbles to the open window, grasping its metal edges and searching for him. The cold wind that sweeps in the apartment stings her face and chills her to the bone. She finds his body on the ground far below, broken beyond recognition and with a pool of blood spreading in a halo around him.

 

She pulls away, horrified,and staggers to the closest chair. Hides her face in her hands and tries to quench the convulsions of her stomach.

 

_ Too late… _

 

Luke has taught her that each person is responsible for his own actions. That one must not carry the burden of another man’s decisions. But she knows that Luke has struggled with that knowledge himself too many times.

 

Rey still can’t forgive herself for figuring out Jeff’s shady presence in Ben’s team so late.

 

She wipes at her teary face with the back of her hand. Tries to get her emotions in check like she has been taught to do. But they are wild creatures these days. Unrestrained.

 

Rey had liked Jeff.

 

_ I should have been more aware… _

 

Ben might be strong with the Force, but his abilities are coarse like the edges of an uncut diamond. He has not been able to develop any refinement in wielding his powers. It comes to no surprise that he had not picked up on Jeff’s betrayal.

 

Rey however...

 

She rubs her forehead in frustration and wills herself to get up.

 

_ Enough of this _ .

 

She searches every corner of Jeff’s place for the littlest clues that might have been left behind, and hacks the computer system for forgotten files. He’s been very thorough wiping all evidence of his existence from his apartment. In the end, she decides to rip out the computer’s hard drive from the wall and take it in for further analysis before the police appear. She might even be able to salvage some of the files that Jeff has probably deleted if she gets lucky enough.

 

She leaves the apartment just as the incoming snow blizzard hits the city. There’s a disturbance in the Force that has Rey feeling very, very restless.

 

 

“Where have you been?” Kaydel hisses at her when she finally arrives at the Government building late in the evening amidst the raging blizzard. The assistant’s nails dig into her cloak. “Do you have any idea how worried he’s been?”

 

“Will you take it easy?” Rey blurts out when Kaydel starts dragging her down the long corridors, heels clicking furiously on the floor and with her two usually tightly wrapped buns on the side of her head bouncing out of their holds. Rey doesn’t believe she’s ever seen Ben’s assistant in such a state of disarray.  “I had a very good reason to be gone for so long. Trust me. And when I inform the Governor about what I’ve discovered then…”

 

“Rey, with all due respect, nothing you’ve come across matters at the moment. I just want to take you to him before he has my head. I have never seen him so livid before.”

 

Rey halts, pulling back the bewildered assistant. “What happened?”

 

The girl’s eyes are wide, and the color of her face sort of pasty-looking when she turns to face her. She licks her lips.

 

“Starkiller Base was blown to smithereens - but not before annihilating the Hosnian sector and a good part of the Republic’s fleet.”

 

Rey’s heart stops.

 

Kaydel presses on with a quivering voice. “The Governor has just been appointed to be the High Chancellor of the Republic for the time being, since he’s the one who has been organizing a defense strategy against the First Order to begin with. But he’s not happy about it, Rey. Not happy at all.” Her hand squeezes Rey’s forearm. “Please, let’s just go… His father’s ship is missing, and you’ve disappeared for hours, and he’s losing his kriffing  _ mind _ !”

 

_ Shit. _

 

 

_ “…will get back with…losses… No news yet on…” _

 

The communication feed cuts off just as Rey enters the Conference room. The urgent voice over the speakers reminded her of Poe Dameron, Senator Organa’s personal pilot. But she’s not sure.

 

There’s a strange crackling intensity reverberating within the chamber, and its lights seem to be flickering dangerously in accordance with the fluctuating energy.

 

Rey barely recognizes the Governor when she sees him.

 

Ben stands amidst a chaos of people and droids, audio static and bright holonet screens. A layer of datapads cover the polished surface of the Council’s table. He looks absolutely ragged in his rumpled black shirt and disheveled hair, and there’s a sinister expression etched on his face that Rey has never seen before.

 

Her chest clenches at the sight of him.

 

Ben looks  _ terrifying _ .

 

His eyes meet hers, and something in the Force just  _ snaps _ .

 

“Where the hell have you been?” his deep voice booms, silencing every single sound in the room. Multiple heads turn to look at her. The sadness and fear and despair over what has transpired earlier is almost palpable in the air.

 

He tosses a datapad on the table, which collides with a heap of other datapads and sends them all crashing on the floor.

 

“Where the  _ hell _ have you been?” he repeats himself, his eyes burning with near madness. “I specifically ordered you  _ not _ to leave my side today, and you disappeared on me without a single word of notice.”

 

Rey presses her lips. He’s in no condition to discuss anything at this point.

 

“ _ Answer _ me!” he roars, slamming his hand on the table top. The datapads rattle, and people flinch and the lights flicker for a moment with a sickening buzz. It’s an unsettling scene, and it’s only made worse by the pounding of the blizzard on the windows and the howling wind ripping through the city. 

 

Rey crosses her arms in front of her chest and straightens her back.

 

“I was searching for some valuable information that concerns your safety.”

 

“My  _ safety _ at this point does not matter! Coruscant was Starkiller’s next target. I had to dispatch a fucking Police unit to search for you, Rey, in case we had to evacuate the damn planet! And you were off playing hide and seek in the capital’s streets?” He gestures furiously out the window.

 

“Jeff is  _ dead _ !” She yells at him, fisting her hands.

 

He scrunches his brow as if she speaks another language “ _ What _ ?”

 

“Jumped off a building so he wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of his betrayal to you. He was the informant behind your assassination attempts, Ben. And he’s not the only one involved. ”

 

He looks at her stunned for a heartbeat or two.

 

Then he rounds the table, storms at her in quick, heavy steps. Comes to loom over her in all his dark glory. She stares up at him.

 

“You went out on your own looking for my killer?”

 

“Jeff was not your…”

 

“Do you have any idea the kind of danger you were up against? Do you have any idea how worried sick…” he grits his teeth trying to reign in his next words. He shuts his eyes in an effort to seemingly compose himself. And that’s the thing. Rey knows. She understands how worried he has been. She  _ sees _ it. But he would have never let her go after Jeff if she had come clean with him.

 

When he opens his eyes, there’s only icy fury simmering inside them. “This is the last time you disobey a direct order from me.” He turns to address two of his security men. “Escort the Jedi to my apartment,” he dictates.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“You will do as I  _ say _ ! Or so help me  _ Force _ you will be out of Coruscant by daylight, and will never set foot on it again.”

 

Rey presses her lips, trying to will back the tears of fury blurring her vision.

 

Not a single breath is heard within the walls of the Council.

 

“But beware,” he continues darkly, addressing his men, but staring at her. “My Jedi is a slippery little thing. Make sure she remains there until I come.”

 

The warning directed at her is unmistakable.

 

“Get her out of my sight.” He commands, and turns his back to her.

 

Rey shrugs off the hand that grasps her arm, leveling the guard with a cold glare. He doesn’t insist but remains in back of her, along with two other men, as she walks out the Conference room. Ben has gone to stand at his spot by the window, with his fists scrunching the pockets of his pants, and his back rigid with pent up rage.

 

He doesn’t spare her a single glance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a head's up warning for next chapter. There's dubcon. You can all imagine why.


	25. Crossing the lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am thrilled to announce that as of now I have a beta! @MyJediLife has taken upon her the inhumane task of editing the whole story and polishing it up for us all to read. I thank you Heathyr from the bottom of my blue heart!!! 
> 
> Also, @MissFLT has gifted me with a powerful piece of art for chapter 20, with Rey’s lightsaber set on Ben’s throat! You will find it at the end of the chapter. Thank you so much!
> 
> A reminder that this chapter contains SERIOUS DUBCON, borderline sexual assault. Tread carefully!
> 
> I'll be eagerly waiting for you at the end to discuss your thoughts and accept your criticism as always. But I won’t be accepting any flat out disrespectful bashing of me, the story or the readers.  
> Enjoy!

“You are dismissed.”

 

His order is cold and detached as Ben enters the living room of his apartment. His footfall is clipped, determined and very, very forbidding . Rey glances at the guard that has been tasked to watch over her rise to his feet from the armchair he has dutifully occupied for these past few hours or so. But she doesn’t follow his movement across the room, nor his stiff salute to the Governor. No. Rey keeps her gaze trained on the large screen of the holonet feed across the room, and the developments that have been taking place in the galaxy this evening. She has watched Ben’s first speech as the newly appointed temporary High Chancellor of the Republic. She has watched the comments from all the main Core world leaders, as well as the floating space debris of what used to be Hosnian Prime.

 

She has watched all this and much, much more with a furrowed brow and a heavy heart.

 

She’s sitting at the end of a sofa, with her arms wrapped around her knees, and her bare feet perched on the expensive fabric of the cushioned seat. Unmoving and still as stone. Her hair is almost dry after the long, scorching shower she has taken to warm up her shivering limbs, and it now falls over the straps of her simple tank top and curls over her bare shoulders. She’s in her spare change of night clothes, left in Ben’s room from their previous stay weeks ago. There was no use wearing her Jedi outfit and holding on to a pretext of formality for his arrival. He would tear it down. No doubt.

 

The guard departs. Ben tosses his black cloak on an armchair and walks over to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a glass of whiskey. His movements are short and precise in a very ominous way, and there’s an uncanny stillness in the Force around him. An electrifying calmness before the storm. He empties his glass in just two long drags and pours himself some more. When he turns to face her from across the living room, he levels her with his darkest gaze behind the rim of his glass.

 

Rey stares at the holonet feed. Her cold fingers curl into a fist, and her frozen toes dig into the plush fabric of the sofa. She waits for his retaliation with bated breath.

 

“Do you enjoy watching me agonize over you?” He drawls, at last. His tone of voice rolls like thunder in the room. “Does it bring you some kind of perverse pleasure? Because I completely understand if that’s the case. In fact, I can even teach you ways to do so that will make your delicate skin crawl from revulsion. Is that what you want, Rey? Will that make you feel  _ content _ ?”

 

Her jaw clenches. “I told you, I went searching for valuable information,” she says through gritted teeth. “You should be at least curious to know what I’ve discovered.”

 

“That Jeff was betraying me?”

 

Rey snaps her eyes to him. “You knew all along?”

 

“Do you think I’m so stupid as to not know who’s around me and what their intentions are?”

 

She blinks, feeling caught completely off guard. Ben walks towards her, one hand in the pocket of his pants, the other clutching his tumbler of whiskey, setting one foot in front of the other in some form of predatory approach.

 

“Do you think I am not aware of every single emotion directed at me?” he says, coming to stand in front of her. His voice lowers as if sharing this profound secret. “You should know better by now.”

 

Rey hates the way he refers to his knowledge of her emotions towards him. As if she’s powerless to hide from him.

 

“Why didn’t you do something about it then? Have him arrested. Or interrogated.”

 

“Is that what you believe I should have done with him? Punish him for his insubordination?”

 

 Ben comes to stand right in front of her. Rey looks away.

 

The midsection of his body is in plain view, a challenge in his stance that makes her feel very, very nervous. But his own intentions towards her are clamped shut in the Force. She doesn’t know if she should stick to defiance, or run for her life.

 

“Is that what I should do to you?” He cocks his head, studies her with that dark way of his.

 

She remains quiet, on edge, biting her lips and digging her nails into the flesh of her fists.

 

“Stand up.”

 

She glares up at him. “Why?”

 

“Don’t question my order. I said  _ stand up _ .”

 

She can feel her heart accelerate in warning as she rises to her feet. Without her boots, she barely reaches his neck. His Adam’s apple bobs with his next order.

 

“Extend your hands.”

 

He sets his glass of whiskey on the coffee table, the gesture measured and cold.

 

“I only wanted to protect you!” She  _ has _ to make him understand. “You would have never let me go after him if I had told you the truth.”

 

“That doesn’t excuse your deception.”

 

“Do you know who his associate is? You haven’t even asked me about what I’ve found out!”

 

“I am not interested in anything you have discovered!” He roars at her. A strand of his midnight hair falls in front of his right eye. Tries to hide the ice in his glare. “You’re not allowed to take a single step away from me without my permission again. Do you understand?”

 

“I am not made of glass! I know how to take care of myself.”

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Why are you here, Rey, waiting for me, when you know how furious I am with you? When you know it won’t end well for you tonight.” He towers over her, making her neck crane. His outburst has been reigned in already, but his deep voice barely conceals his wrath. “Your opportunity to escape has been wasted.”

 

“I’m not afraid of you,” she lifts her chin at him. But the truth is: he’s making her blood run cold. And she doesn’t want him to know. “You would never hurt me.”

 

“You seem so sure.”

 

He leans in, comes to growl in the shell of her ear, causing her whole body to break into goosebumps.

 

 “I want you to pay very close attention to what I will say to you now, my sweet little  _ pet _ .” His voice drips with honey and venom. “I will make you mine tonight. I will bury my cock so deep inside you that you will writhe and scratch under me like the precious kitten that you are. I will tear every possible pleasure I can from you, and give you none in return. And when I’m done…” He pauses for a dreadful heartbeat, his hot breath licking the pulse on her neck. “When I’m done with you…You will never disobey a single order from me again. I will do all these things and much, much more, and nothing you can say will make me stop. Do you understand?”

 

She parts her lips to respond, but a short pant is the only thing that comes out, fanning on his raven hair that shines under the chandelier of the room. Her cheek scrapes against the stubble of his jaw. Reminding her of his complex, unconventional ways of dealing with this world and its problems. Of how he will deal with her.

 

She pulls away to look at him. His gaze is a black as his threat.

 

“This is the only chance you get to leave.”

 

Rey steps back, alarmed. She understands he’s upset with her, but surely this is a line that he would not cross. He follows her retreat with a stony face. Her instincts scream at her to turn around.  _ Leave _ . That he has meant every word of what he just said.

 

Rey staggers, rushes for the exit of the room.

 

“But if you leave…” he calls after her.

 

Rey halts. Heart racing in her chest. Urging her to flee.

 

“…don’t ever bother coming back.”

 

She swallows, blinking away those treacherous first tears brimming around her eyes. He’s manipulating her. Again. Toying with the weakness she harbors for him. She hears his heavy steps approach in back of her.

 

“I am done watching you run away from me, Rey.”

 

His voice is deep and breathless around the edges. It cracks lightly when he says her name. The only sign of fracture running down his immaculate black mask. She stands with her bare feet on the marble floor, shivering at his demand. She feels him in back of her, the heat of his body so enticing to her cold skin.

 

She has to leave. Walk away.

 

_ Now. _

 

“Turn around, and don’t you dare look at me.”

 

Her body obeys, but her mind revolts. His ultimatum is unacceptable and cruel. He has no right to dictate her choices. But this is Ben.  _ Her _ Ben, behind this cold facade. With his overwhelming need to control her, along with everyone else in the cosmos, distorting him beyond recognition.

 

Rey knows. She knows how hard these past few weeks have been on him.

 

“I will not be gentle. And I will not be nice. I will break you, and leave you in bloodied pieces, and then I will go off to marry another woman and never think of you again. Do you  _ fucking _ understand, Rey?”

 

His hands are fisted on his sides, and his knuckles are turning white. Rey chooses to disobey him once more, morbid curiosity getting the better of her, and raises her eyes to look at him. Her chest clenches at the sight. At the wrecked soul looking back at her.

 

“Eyes  _ down _ !”

 

At the man falling apart before her very eyes.

 

She immediately obeys. Tries to blink away the fresh tears pooling on her lashes. He remains silent for an endless moment. The only movement she can see is coming from his heaving chest. She wants nothing more than to reach out, find a way to soothe and calm the whirlwind inside him.

 

“Will you stay?”

 

“ _ Yes _ .”

 

It will always be a  _ yes _ . No matter what.

 

But the man before her does not seem satisfied. Perhaps he had hoped she’d chose to leave.

 

“Extend your hands.”

 

They shake lightly when she does so. He tugs on the clasp of his belt and pulls it off. A whipping sound fills the room. She swallows thickly when she feels the harsh leather dig into her wrists, and her body jolts at the rough treatment. He binds her hands quickly, efficiently -  as if it’s a movement ingrained into an instinct. The thought stings as much as the black belt that cuts into her skin.

 

_ He’s done this before. _

 

The thought humiliates her more than the binding of her wrists.

 

She feels a pull. Ben tugs on the ends of the belt, drags her in back of him without looking at her face.

 

It all feels surreal. The way he leads her to his dimly lit room, nearly tossing her on to his bed. It’s the same bed she had woken up in weeks ago, exhilarated by the new sensations he had evoked on her body. The same bed she had drenched in tears the night she knew he could never be hers to keep.

 

_ How fitting. _

 

His face is somber, borderline angry. She recognizes it from the twitch of muscle on his clenched jaw.

 

 No. He won’t be gentle with her.

 

She had never realized how physically strong he is, until he hauls her up to the bedpost from the straps of his belt as if she weighs nothing, her body bunching the soft fabric of his grey bedspread underneath.

 

He ties her to his bed. Steals her freedom away.

 

“Wait!’

 

He stops, simmering eyes burning into hers.

 

“Will it hurt?” She rasps. Tries to clear her parched throat. “Will it hurt when you… push inside me. Will it…” she can’t find the right word.

 

“Yes.”

 

He yanks off the jacket of his suit, tosses it on the floor, then loosens the collar of his shirt and rolls up his sleeves. Rey’s eyes dart to the muscles of his forearms as he climbs on the bottom part of the bed. It dips ominously from his weight. She never realized how heavy he is. How big and… He sets his hands on the waistband of her leggings. Rey twists away.

 

Her bottom lip trembles, and his face is starting to blur. She tries to wipe the wetness of her eyes on her arm, but she can barely reach it. She feels a tear spill down her cheek.

 

He pulls down her leggings and undergarment in one rough tug, exposing her to his cold gaze. The fabric bunches around her thighs, and Rey tries to swirl away. It’s all too quick. Too rough, and she needs a moment.

 

“Ben, wait… Hold on!”

 

Just one  _ moment _ for her mind to catch up with all that is happening.

 

But he doesn’t grant her that.

 

He fists the fabric of her leggings and tears it down its seams. The ripping sound echoes in the room and in her thudding chest. He yanks the tattered fabric down her knees and calves and off her feet.

 

Rey pulls her legs up, clasps her ankles together. Tugs on the belt.

 

_ Not like this… _

 

A voice inside her implores. As debilitating as her feelings for this man are, this just isn’t the  _ way _ . This isn’t what a first time is supposed to be like. Not how she had imagined her first time could ever be with  _ him _ .

 

His strong hands wrap around her ankles.

 

“Look at me,” she nearly begs. She barely recognizes what her voice has become. Her pulse is ringing in her ears, and her chest hurts, and everything feels as if it’s a nightmare coming to life. “Look at me…” she whispers in a prayer.

 

He stills. A pained expression flees from his features. And Rey waits. She doesn’t know for how many breaths. She waits for a miracle to happen. For Ben to come back.

 

“How ironic you should ask me that.” The man comments at last.

 

His hands pull her legs apart.

 

Her most sensitive parts are revealed to him, and his eyes lower to look at her. She squirms under his tight grasp, under his burning gaze, every shift of her body bringing cool air to brush across her center. It feels oddly wet and heavy down there.

 

She hates how her body responds to him.

 

He shifts between her legs and bends down, bringing them to rest on his shoulders. His hands stretch her thighs open for him.

 

“What are you…?”

 

Her eyes fly open at the sensation. A hot breath fans across her slit, and his thumbs pull her folds apart. Opening her wide for him to devour. When his tongue runs across her, a shuddering breath escapes her.

 

A dream. This is so much like a sinful dream she has buried within her. Too embarrassed to call on it even on her most desperate lonely hours at night.

 

He laps at her, suckles and plays, eliciting sensations too strong to put into words. They are euphoric. They are crude. They are everything her body has been waiting for.  She tenses and squirms under him, and her hands tug helplessly on the leather they are bound with. She moans. She whimpers.

 

She calls his name.

 

And he’s relentless. Working her body as if he’s known it all his life. And right when she thinks she can’t handle anymore, he plunges a finger inside her.

 

Rey cries out at the invasion. It teeters on pain. Her body tries to reject it.

 

“Ben, wait…” but he only curls his finger in response, and drags it across her inner walls. Finds a spot that makes her wail.

 

She wants him to stop. She wants him to go on.

 

“That’s it, my  _ darling friend _ …” He chuckles on her wet folds, sucks obscenely on that little bundle she’s touched herself more times than she can count since that night he had her strip down to her bones for him. Lain her bare for him to relish in.

 

Just the way he’s doing now.

 

“Let me hear your lovely scream, my  _ Jedi _ .”

 

It’s close. She knows she’s close with what he’s doing to her down there. Rey doesn’t believe she’ll have the voice she needs for her release.  It will be strong. It will be hard.

 

It will be tectonic.

 

_ And it’s coming… _

 

He moves away with a loud smack of his lips. Her unsated body writhes under him.

 

“No,” he concedes. “You don’t get to finish this time.”

 

He rises to his knees, and looks down at her in dark, perfect control as he unfastens his pants.

 

She blinks, confused, up at him. Whimpers when he lowers his clothes. His manhood is released from its very tight constraints, and he grasps it in his hand. Strokes his grip down the length of him. Her eyes widen at the sight. At the rawness of his movements.

 

It’s way too big. Too  _ thick _ . She doesn’t know if it will…

 

He licks his already glistening lips, and Rey stares at him, distraught.

 

_ Will he do it? _

 

She wonders in a haze. Her body twists in emptiness and coiled up energy. Her mind reels with guilt and aversion. Her heart aches for him to spare her a single glance.

 

_ This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. _

 

He gazes hungrily at the apex of her thighs. Rey tugs on the belt and squirms uncomfortably on the bed. But he crawls between her legs, pins her pelvis down with his large hand.

 

“Don’t move,” he commands.

 

It doesn’t hurt physically. It hurts in a way that she can’t express. Her fingers twitch. Rey wants him to touch her. She wants to feel his hands on her, tender and affectionate. Wants to feel the weight of him over her body - solid and protective. She wants to chase away this cold-blooded monster with a kiss.

 

Rey wants Ben back.

 

He shifts and spreads her legs wider. Pulls her bottom roughly over his folded knees and bends over, aligning his shaft with her slit. His jaw is clenched, and his features coldly determined. Rey tugs helplessly on her restraints.

 

_ This is it. _

 

She feels pressure down low. Feels his hardness slide easily between her folds with the wetness that has accumulated. Feels the head of him push against her. Against the last part of her defenses.

 

She feels tears trickle down her cheek.

 

“Look at me… Ben, please just look at me…”

 

_ Please, oh gods, please… _

 

She chokes down a sob.

 

“ _ Look at me, Rey…” the man speaks softly at her. Almost pleads. “Tell me what’s on your mind…” He’s standing so close to her, she can smell his musk and the leather of his gloves that barely touch her chin. She glances anywhere else but him. “Let’s go inside. We shouldn’t keep your guests waiting,” she says, trying not to notice the rejection in his eyes. _

 

The pressure lifts.

 

He’s looking at her now, just like she has asked, brown eyes glistening with his own unshed tears, his fingers digging into the flesh of her thighs, the way she had wanted him to do just a day ago. He pulls away abruptly.

 

His behavior is confusing. He should have been inside her by now. The deed complete. Not looking at her as if she’s just ripped another piece of his heart out.

 

“Aren’t you going to…” she blinks away her tears.

 

His hands slide up to cup her knees, preventing her from clasping her legs shut. His head dips and his body hunches over. His black mane spills over her chest and Rey swears his forehead touches the valley between her breasts.  

 

“Ben?”

 

“ _ Fuck _ !” His hot breath shudders on her skin, causes it to prickle. His nails dig into her knees.

 

He moves away, head still lowered and hair hiding him from view.

 

He wraps his hand around his cock and begins to stroke himself. Only this time, his speed increases, and soon enough, he starts to pant. Rey watches in morbid captivation. It doesn’t take him long. When he climaxes he throws his head back with a low grunt, revealing the thickness of his throat to her desperate eyes. He cums on the sheets in liquid ropes, body quaking as he pumps himself empty and beads of his spend drip down his fingers.

 

Not a single drop of his semen touches her.

 

He remains hunched over, like some kind of feral animal, with his hands splayed between her thighs. Trying to catch his breath.

 

_ He didn’t go ahead with it _ , is the only thought that loops in her mind.

 

_ Ben didn’t… _

 

“Baby, are you ok?”

 

He freezes. Snaps his head up at her. Rey stares back at him, too shocked with herself and her choice of endearment towards him. The man’s features harden, and a shadow gathers around him. Clanks together into his black armor.

 

“Don’t call me  _ that _ ,” he grinds at her. “Or I’ll regret not breaking your virgin little cunt on my sheets tonight.”

 

 Rey’s eyes well with bitter tears.

 

He gets off the bed and pulls his pants up without a single word. He wipes his hands on a cloth, meticulously studying his fingers for any residue of his cum, and fastens his pants with his back turned to her, tugging on his sleeves and straightening the collar of his shirt.

 

 Pulls his dark armor right back in place.

 

 Fury rises in her chest. Swallows her whole.

 

“That’s it?” she objects indignantly. She tugs on the belt to emphasize her protest. “I thought you were going to fuck me and make me hurt.”

 

 The man checks his reflection in a mirror and fixes his hair. “Is that what you wanted me to do to you?”

 

His detached, cold behavior stings like a whip.

 

“I…”

 

_ The bastard. _

 

“It’s a good thing I knew what you wanted better than yourself, then.”

 

“I never thought you could be so cruel.” She spits at him.

 

He chuckles heartlessly, not looking at her. “Funny you should say that. How do you feel?”

 

“Used.”

 

 “Why?”

 

“Because you only thought of yourself and what you wanted!” she explodes. “You tie me up, strip me naked,  _ use  _ me for your pleasure, and all the while you refuse to even look at me. As if I mean nothing! I’ve  _ never _ felt so vulnerable before in my life and you…” She turns her head away. Feels her cheeks heat at the indecent image of him that crosses her mind. Rey had shamefully wanted him to give her that release as well.  She can’t stand to look at the self-indulgent smirk on his face.

 

“I wish I had never met you,” she states at last.

 

“Who’s being cruel now?”

 

He tosses her a haughty glance and strides to the bedpost. Unties the belt.

 

She glances up at him, rubbing at her sore wrists.

 

_ Rey sees herself standing over him as he sits on the brink of exhaustion at his chair in his office. She sets an errand strand of black hair behind his adorably big ear. “You look tired,” she says to him. “What can I do to help you?” His eyes are so vulnerable when he looks at her. He wraps his hand around hers, laces their fingers together. “Do you really want to know?” He says softly. The intimacy of his gesture makes her feel nervous. Rey pulls her hand from his and looks away _ .

 

There’s an indecipherable look on his face as Ben pulls away from her.

 

“Now you know how I feel around you.” He says, releasing her hands with a harsh tug of the leather. “What it feels like every time you give me an ounce of your affection, only to rip it away from me the next moment.”

 

He strides to the door and it opens with a hiss. He halts at the entrance, as if he’s forgotten something important. Turns his head to look at her over his shoulder. “You do not get to touch yourself tonight. I will know if you do. Consider this your punishment for disobeying me.” He curls his lips at her coldly.

 

“Goodnight, Rey.”

 

The doors slide shut behind him.

 

 

 

 

Art for chapter 20 by @MissFLT [here](https://twitter.com/MissFLT/status/1170580625746735104)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep the faith and try to look at this chapter as a kind of understanding they now have of each other, and a strange, twisted respect for what the other person desires. And, of course, Ben’s brutal way of retaliation cannot be ignored. Bear in mind that this character in TFA has done a horrendous deed named patricide. This is the story's equivalent.
> 
> Just so you know the next chapter has already been written and will not be affected by any of the comments. The story remains what it is.
> 
> For you who have remained, I will gladly discuss anything that upsets you. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Song of inspiration "So cruel" by U2


	26. Whispers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trust that was shown to me in the previous chapter has completely floored me. And the thoughts and discussions that emerged have shed light to a very dark moment between Ben and Rey. Whoever has decided to stick around t h a n k y o u for your support!  
> Special thanks to my two guardian angels who have been with me since the beginning, @Riri19911 and @balancedpadawan (you two know how much I love you). To my significant other in writing, @reylotrashpiler who always blows my mind with her edge. And to my passionate, loyal beta with a heart of gold @MyJediLife whom I wish I knew how to be there for in rough times.  
> And in answer to @Camminliu’s artwork for chapter 21 (you’ll see the link at the end)... Voila!

Rey _hates_ him.

 

She does not want to see him, and prays to every single _god_ in this ruthless universe she doesn’t come across him when she enters the living room an hour or so later after he has departed. Picking up the ruins of her clothes and the tatters of her pride has been one of the most degrading and painful experiences of her life. And the fact that _he_ has been the one to cause it... Rey swears she will never forgive that man for as long as she lives.

 

 Antoine, one of Ben’s guards, stands up and regards her warily as she storms by him.

 

“The Governor wishes for me to escort you back to the estate.”

 

“Tell him he can go _fuck_ himself.”

 

He’s proven he can do that quite well, actually. There’s no bloody hell Rey will ever do what that man dictates ever again.

 

Antoine gapes at her. A small part of her feels sorry for what this guy has to put up with. A very tiny little part of her -the biggest part just doesn’t give a damn anymore.

 

“Please, don’t make my job any harder than it already is, Rey.” He pleads, falling in step behind her.

 

“I really don’t care what the Governor wishes anymore, Antoine. And frankly, neither should you. Get yourself a decent job. A normal job that doesn’t involve following the galaxy’s biggest asshole around in his duties. In the meantime…” She calls her saberstaff to her hand. “I’m _leaving_ !” She pulls her white cloak over her body, wishing she had kept her old Jedi clothes. Those worn out beige _rags_ \- as he so much loved to call them. Rey doesn’t want to hold on to a single thing that man has gifted her in the weeks she has spent under his shadow.

 

But there’s a kriffing blizzard raging outside. And her teeth are chattering already.

 

_“Only desert rats wear clothes like these,” he chuckles, holding her old shirt up in the air by two fingers. His face is scrunched in mock detest. She folds her hands across her chest and glares up at him. “Ben, it’s mine. Give it back.” They’re not children anymore. His face falls into an impish, guilty smile. He approaches her, folding the disintegrating piece of cloth carefully and handing it to her. “I can provide you with anything you could ever need. Let me at least do that for you…” Their fingers touch when she reaches to take her shirt. Her heart nearly explodes because of the way he regards her. Rey snatches it and looks away, trying to contain a little smile from forming on her lips. “Fine.”_

 

Rey clasps the heavy cloak around her neck and tries to push back any traitorous memory of him that creeps into her mind. Her decision has been made. It’s final. None of those memories matter anymore.

 

Antoine follows her, his concern and fear prickling in the Force. “Leaving? As in leaving _him_?”

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

The doors to the apartment swish open for her to go through, and she hurries down the private landing bay towards the Governor’s black shuttle that waits diligently in its spot to take her back to his golden cage.

 

Only that won’t be happening today. Because today is the day that she finally breaks free.

 

The frigid air bites at her exposed skin, gnaws its way down to her beating heart.

 

She feels a large hand on her shoulder, pleading for her to reconsider. “You can’t leave him, Rey,” he calls out over the wailing wind. “Not now. He’ll fall apart.”

 

Rey swivels to glower at the man. _How mistaken he is_ . “I’m sure he’ll find some woman to vent his frustration on. He’ll be just fine. _Trust_ me.”

 

Antoine shakes his head. “He’s not like that anymore.”

 

Rey hates how certain the bodyguard sounds.

 

“And how the hell would you know _that_?”

 

He hesitates. “Don’t think that we haven’t noticed how he behaves around you, Rey. The Governor cares about you.”

 

“Well, I don’t!” She roars, raising her saberstaff and thrusting it against the bodyguard’s broad chest. “ _Step back_ ,” she dictates. She will not waste a single thought on _him_ again.

 

Antoine obeys easily under her compulsion.

 

Rey climbs up the shuttle swiftly and shuts the door, settling in the pilot’s seat and checking the readings. Her cold fingers hesitate over the twinkling buttons and small levers of the cockpit.

 

_“I didn’t know you could fly so well,” his low voice rumbles in the confinement of the shuttle. “Please. Flying comes as natural as breathing for me,” she replies with a derisive snort as she glides the shuttle between two elegant skyscrapers, heading back to the estate on the mountains. It’s well into the night, and Coruscant’s large moon is bathing them in its silver light. She darts her eyes at Ben and catches a wide smile dimpling his cheeks. His eyes glimmer in the shadows of the cockpit and make her heart thump in response. “Well then, let’s see what you’ve got, little bird.”_

 

Rey covers her face with her hands to muffle her raging scream. The ship’s lights flicker and the metal walls begin to groan. She’ll end up ripping the shuttle to shreds if she doesn’t get her emotions under check. If she doesn’t find a way to lock him out of her damn mind.

 

But it’s just so… _Hard_.

 

Rey presses her lips together tightly and hits the ignition.

 

The shuttle lifts silently into the air and falls into an airlane over the sleepless city.

 

She doesn’t really have a plan. She knows she needs an actual ship to fly out of Coruscant. She’s caught between stealing one, or simply just getting in contact with Nyxx to come and pick her up. She’s certain he would do that for her without too many questions being asked.

 

Rey decides that she will comm him when she’s higher up in the air.

 

It’s been a terrible night, and she needs to clear her head. Rey can’t resist stretching the shuttle’s engine in the highlanes at the very top of the city. Coruscant is covered in a thin sheet of white snow under a charcoal sky. It practically glows into the night, under the moon’s rays that slip through the clouds. The view is mesmerizing, and Rey finds herself falling smoothly into another airlane - and then another and another.

 

She decides to postpone comming her friend for just a little while longer. She’s got time. No one can touch her up here.

 

_“Don’t be in a hurry to finish your forms.” She calls to him on a dawn, as she catches him performing old Jedi forms in the back garden . He wipes the sweat from his brow and tosses his wet strands back. He’s surprised to see her. “What are you doing up so early?” She doesn’t tell him she’s barely slept all night. “Put your right foot further back. Follow my lead.” His body feels so solid under her touch. So inviting. Her extended hands tremble slightly when she reaches to correct his stance. They betray her fluttering heart. The man notices, but doesn’t say a word._

 

 _“_ Damn him…”

 

There are tears streaming down her cheeks that she almost didn’t notice. They’ve been brimming so easily these days. Rey wipes at them furiously with her sleeve. She really needs to get in contact with Nyxx soon. As beautiful as a snowed in Coruscant may be, there’s no reason for her to drag this out any longer. She’s made up her mind.

 

_It’s done._

 

Winter sun breaks in the horizon, illuminating the shuttle with the color of hope.

 

_“We should head back to the estate,” she says, squinting at the bright dawning sun ahead. It’s so peaceful and serene up here. Such a rare, private moment for the two of them. “They’ll be concerned about us.” His eyes are closed, and his head is leaning back against the metal wall of the shuttle. He seems asleep. “Just a little bit more,” he says in a hoarse voice. He doesn’t open his eyes. “Me and you. Like this. Give me just a few more moments…”_

 

Rey breaks into sobs.

 

The Manarai mountains stretch before her like a sleeping giant. She finds herself weaving the shuttle between their snow white slopes instinctively. The blizzard has subsided, and she drinks in the stillness of the early morning and the serenity of the Force. The city of Coruscant can barely be seen behind her anymore. She flies over the canyon and its rushing river. Follows its trail. The estate appears suddenly, dug into the wilderness of the mountain like an eagle’s nest. Rey circles over it.

 

Spirals down and lands.

 

She shuts down the engine and leans back in her seat. Her long exhale fills the silence of the shuttle.

 

 

 

 

“My lady, we thought you wouldn’t return,” the keeper, a middle-aged woman named Alliana, tries to keep up with Rey’s swift pace. She crosses the foyer in light silent steps and heads for the main staircase as personnel and droids bow and move out of her way.

 

“Has the Governor returned?” She asks.

 

“No, my lady. We haven’t heard from him yet.”

 

Rey halts with her fingers digging into the wood of the railing. _No_. She won’t allow herself to be worried over him. “Inform me when he does.”

 

“Of course.” She hurries up the steps, but she barely counts five of them when the woman adds. “I’m glad you’re back, Rey. I don’t know what he would do if he were to come home and find you gone.”

 

She doesn’t answer. She simply rushes to her room without looking back and crawls into her bed, too exhausted to wonder about his whereabouts. He’s bound to return.

 

Just the way she did.

 

But he doesn’t come back the next day. Nor the day after.

 

She roams the house and its verandas. Performs forms on the back patio - that drowns in pine trees and heavy snow. Eats. Drinks. Sleeps.

 

And waits.

 

 

 

She’s startled from her slumber by a dip of the mattress. Her eyes fly open in the darkness of the room. The pale light of the planet’s large moon reflects on the snowy landscape outside the windows and lands in patches inside her room. It sheds light on the shadow crouching on the side of her bed. On the tousled black hair that spills on the white sheets, and on the pale forearm which hides the face of the man.

 

She lifts her hand, runs her fingers through the tangled black waves. The man reeks of smoke and alcohol and sweat.

 

“Ben?”

 

She tugs on his hair to make him lift his head. He obliges without a sliver of resistance. He darts his eyes at her and looks away immediately. They are swollen and blood-shot, and his jaw is covered in rough stubble.

 

“ _Gods_ , Ben, are you Ok? What happened to you?” Her voice is scratchy from sleep.

 

He grasps her hand, buries his face in it. His skin feels wet and sticky with sweat, and she raises herself on her elbow to look at him with wide eyes. He’s a complete _mess_.

 

“Forgive me,” he mutters, kisses her wrist. Tears slide between her fingertips. “Please _forgive me_ …”

 

Rey stares at him dumbfounded, trying to pull her hand away.

 

“No.” His grasp tightens on the soft flesh of her hand. “I’ll let you go. I promise I’ll let you go… Just….”

 

Rey barely recognizes the man engulfed in shadows.. “Do you know how concerned everyone has been? Your mother must have called a thousand times these past couple of days, and Amilyn nearly threw a fit yesterday night. Where have you been?”

 

He can’t meet her gaze. He laces his fingers with hers carefully and sighs in the darkness. "Does it matter, where I've been or what I've done?" He mumbles. "Will it change anything between us at this point?"

 

Rey sits up on the mattress.There's something off about the way he speaks, about the way he threads his fingers with hers.

 

“You’re drunk.”

 

“No. Not drunk. No… Just tired..”

 

She roams her eyes over the sharp angles of his face. “You look like shit, Ben.”

 

He chuckles and.caresses the tips of her fingers with his other hand. The tenderness of his gesture is so at odds with the bitterness in his voice, that for an instant Rey forgets all that has lead them to the present state. She barely catches herself from reaching out and wrapping her arms around his neck. "Tell me what happened."

 

He lays his head on the mattress again, holds on to her hand.

 

"I shouldn't have woken you," he slurs. "I don't know why I always need to wake you. What time is it?"

 

_Stars, he's wasted._

 

She rubs her eyes, wondering briefly if the man speaking in a hushed voice crouched next to her bed is actually Ben, or a figment of her imagination. A bad dream. Or just wishful thinking.

 

"It’s late. This is definitely not the right time for a conversation."

 

"A conversation…” He sighs. This long, soulful exhale that must come from the blackness of the Abyss itself. It seeps into the Force and makes its web quiver.  “Perhaps it’s more of a _confession_."

 

The susurrations that surround him make the hair of her skin stand on end.

 

"Ben, you're in no condition to say anything to me right now."

 

"On the contrary. This is very, very important.” he whispers. “And I need to say it right now because if I don't, I'll never find the courage to do so again."

 

She shakes her head. "You're drunk. Nothing you say will have any value tomorrow morning..."

 

"I love you…"

 

Rey's heart _stops_. It just ceases to beat altogether.

 

She must have not heard right.

 

“I know you don’t believe me but I do…I truly do.” He looks at her with those glistening eyes. “You’ve _ruined_ me.”

 

“Ben, why are you saying these things?” Rey feels her chest is starting to cave in on itself.

 

He fiddles with her fingers. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you are? I must have told you at some point. I think I have…"

 

Rey knows he has. She remembers it as clear as day. The way she’d hung from his lips, wearing the midnight outfit he had dressed her in and _starving_ for his approval.

 

“You’re crazy. I hope you know you’re absolutely _insane_ coming to my room in the middle of the night, drunk out of your mind to say these things to me and…” _Gods,_ Rey wants to slap him and kiss him at the same time. Look at what he's done now, making her eyes fill with tears once again.  "You're a complete idiot."

 

He chuckles again. This sound that reverberates down to her very bones. 

 

"And you are my sun,” he conterfetes easily, despite his drunken haze. “All bright and golden and warm - and I don't deserve you. You shouldn't have come back…" He sighs in the darkness.

 

Rey _knows_ she shouldn’t have come back. And yet here she is. 

 

"I came back because I’m supposed to protect you," she whispers to him, wishing she could believe that herself. 

 

"And who will protect you from me?"

 

His dark eyes are on her, consuming every last drop of resistance.

 

 _Damn him_.

 

Rey feels a tear hurrying down her cheek.

 

His gaze follows its trail, and he brings a finger up to collect it. Stares at it as if it’s something rare sparkling in the night. But Rey knows it’s not true. More of them are already falling down its path. It takes him a moment or  two before he’s able to continue in a voice barely above a whisper. There’s something about the shadows and the secrets they can keep that makes Rey wonder if any of this will follow them out into the light of day.

 

“I killed him.”

 

 

“Killed who?”

 

“My father,” he mutters, almost to himself..

 

His declaration stuns her. Rey doesn’t know what to say back. “Ben, you were in Coruscant, your father was on Starkiller Base - how could you have possibly…” 

 

“I sent him there...”

 

He squeezes her fingers. His grasp hurts, but she doesn’t complain. She simply waits for him to continue with a burning chest.

 

“I sent him to Starkiller Base because he's the best smuggler in the galaxy. But the truth is,  I could have sent anyone else to do that same mission, and they probably would have pulled it through just as well. I chose to send my father instead. I…”

 

He stops. Tries to assemble himself.

 

“Are you sure he’s dead?” Her voice comes out just as low. “I mean, I know there hasn't been any news about the Falcon, but he could have found some other way to escape.”

 

She feels his intense eyes on her in the darkness.

 

He raises his hand, unlaces her fingers one by one from his. Cradles her small hand in his own for a heartbeat before he lets it go. Ben rises and stumbles a step back.

 

“I killed my father, and I nearly forced myself on you. I didn’t come to your room for consolation, Rey, I don’t deserve it. I came because…” he stops again. Takes another step back. A creature hiding in the dark. “I …”

 

Something inside her comes undone. She slides out of bed, rushes to him before he disappears on her again. She grasps his face in her hands. Ben closes his eyes and tries to pull away, but his movements are slow and sluggish.

 

“ _Look_ at me!”

 

He darts his eyes to hers, but quickly looks away.  _Stars_ , he is a wreck.

 

“It’s not your fault. This whole galaxy falling apart is not your fault. Your father’s death as a consequence of you asking him for his help is not your fault. And my decision to stay so that you could _force_ yourself on me, or whatever it is you want to call it, does not belong to you. Everyone makes their own choices. I made mine, just the way you had made yours.”

 

“I tied you to my bed so you couldn’t leave.”

 

“You did.”

 

“I ripped your clothes off and treated you worse than a whore.”

 

“You did.”

 

“I was going to fuck you. _Hard_. Make you bleed.”

 

“You had told me you would. I agreed to stay.”

 

“Why?” He breaths.

 

“You _needed_ me...”

 

He licks his lip. It trembles lightly, and his eyes sparkle in the darkness. “You didn’t want me.”

 

“Not like that.” She caresses his face and runs her fingers through his tangled strands, soothing his fears away. “Not like that....”

 

“I’m a monster.” He bows his head. Hides his face from her. “How can you love a monster?”

 

Rey pulls his face back to her. She looks at the shame in his eyes. “Because I see the man…”

 

Ben rubs his hand down his face. Tries to stifle his beautiful emotions.

 

“I can’t sleep,” he rasps.

 

“I know. I’ll help you. You can stay with me.”

 

“I don’t deserve you…”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

He shuts his eyes again. Rey feels the war raging inside him. This constant battle of desires, needs and responsibilities. She takes his hands in hers and back steps towards the bed.

 

“Rey…”

 

“Hush. You look horrible. You need to rest.”

 

“Will we go back to the way we were tomorrow?” He breathes. “I don’t think I can go back to that anymore...”

 

Rey wishes he hadn’t asked that question. She wishes she had no answer. “Let’s not talk about this tonight, ok?” She mutters. “Sit.”

 

He easily slumps on the bed and looks up at her as if she’s something divine. And maybe it's because of that look he gives her that Rey feels as if she wields a power that comes from another world. 

 

She steps between his legs and runs her hand through his hair. Removes the tangles that are caught in their ends. What could she ever say to him to ease his fears and self-loathing that he could possibly believe?  All she’s done till now is reject him.

 

A thought shadows his gaze, followed by a frown. She touches his brow, trying to ease the creases away. He licks his lips, hesitantly, and Rey braces herself for what comes next.

 

“Who’s betraying the Republic, Rey?” He whispers. The question behind who is trying to kill him is left unspoken. “Did Jeff tell you?”

 

“He didn’t, but I found out,” she simply admits. She still tries to push away the memory of ripping through the depths of Jeff’s mind in search of information. She had gone too deep. Too quickly. And the way that Jeff had screamed still haunts her.

 

_No._

 

It’s done. There’s no use going back to that now.

 

She caresses the scar running down his face. Ben would have died the night of the shuttle accident if she hadn’t been at his side. He would have died, and Rey would have never been able to walk this galaxy with a sane mind again. But Ben is alive and breathing, and looking at her right now as if she owns his very soul. Rey would rip through a thousand minds and take a thousand lives to make sure no harm would ever come to him.

 

Her fingers run across the stubble of his jaw.

 

“Jeff wasn’t certain, because communication was always encrypted. But he suspected it was the High Ruler of Arkanis working for the First Order. I’ve brought back the hard drives from Jeff’s place. There’s a General Hux in the First Order that’s from Arkanis, and there’s evidence in the archives that he and the High Ruler were somehow connected.”

 

Ben shuts his eyes and drops his head, hiding his face behind his hand again. Yes, she knows his lust has made him blind and reckless in his choices. That it nearly lead him to his own demise. And that one more person in his close surroundings has ended up betraying him.

 

“Let me go, Rey… Please let me go.”

 

Her heart twists painfully inside her. At the muffled sob that breaks him. But it’s too late now to let go.

 

“I can’t...”

 

She wraps her arms around him, cradles his drowned grunts against her body. She always knew that when the time came, she would never be able to let him go. He’s always been a part of her. 

 

His hands cling desperately around her waist. Around her heart and mind and very soul.

 

The moon glows outside, and the snow falls, and the world goes round. Unaware and oblivious to the two creatures coming undone in the shadows of a room.

 

But Time knows. It stills and waits for them..

 

“You need a bath,” Rey mumbles eventually.

 

She sets her hands on his shoulders, runs her fingers delicately down the plains of his chest. She grasps the rim of his shirt to tug it off. He smells of sweat and the stench of the Lower levels but Rey is determined to peel all the filth of the underworld from him layer by layer.

 

He shakes his head because there is no more fight left in him. But it’s ok, Rey thinks. She will do all the fighting that’s needed for both of them tonight.

 

“Lift your arms, Ben,” she says softly.

 

The way he gazes at her when their eyes meet makes her insides crumple. But Ben complies and does as he’s told. His skin is as pale as the moon when she removes his dirty shirt. 

 

She drops to her knees between his legs. Unlaces his muddy shoes.

 

He tries to move his foot away and get off the bed. “I don’t want you to do that. I can…”

 

She looks at him, setting her hands on his thighs. Stills him.

 

“You have been taking care of a galaxy,” she says in that hushed way that has settled between them. “Let me take care of you for one night.”

 

The rawness in his gaze nearly takes her breath away.

 

She removes his shoe and then the other. Then sets her hands on the fastenings of his pants. His hands fly to stop her. “Rey... Don’t.”

 

She lifts her gaze at him.

 

Even in the darkness of the room she can see the crimson red that has spread to his cheeks. She can feel him half aroused underneath his fastenings, warm and throbbing. It fills her with power. Her hands linger  for a moment too long before she finally decides to release him.

 

“Alright,” she relents. She sets her hands on his thighs, relishing on the muscle underneath the thick fabric. Her fingers dig in slightly, refusing to let go.

 

Ben stares at her with that unfathomable way of his. His large hands caress her shoulders and his fingertips drop to her collarbones. They remain there, indecisive for a moment too long.

 

Rey wants him to lean in. To touch his lips to hers. She wants to taste the bitter cigar and sharp alcohol on his breath. The desire is so potent it makes her head spin.

 

But Ben pulls away.

 

“I need to bathe...And rest.” He envelopes her hands, removing them from his body. He looks at her as if there is no forgiveness left for him in the universe.

 

It springs tears back into her eyes. Rey nods.

 

“Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat while you’re in the fresher.”

 

“Yes,” he nods boyishly at her behind his wisps of black hair.

 

“Alright then.”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

She leans in to catch his sad eyes and smiles timidly up at him. 

 

“Rey, _please_ don’t look at me like that...”

 

Yes, yes, she _knows_. She’s got to give him some space. She gets up and takes a step back. It turns out to be harder than she thought. 

 

“I’ll make you something simple, like a sandwich,” she blabbers. “I don’t want any kitchen droids mingling. They’ll end up waking up the whole estate.”

 

“That’s fine. I don’t mind…” he mumbles, rubbing his hands down his thighs. 

 

He lifts his dark gaze to hers.

 

It takes every ounce of will to tear herself from him. “I’ll be right back.”

 

The doors hiss lightly behind her, and her footsteps are silent across the long, dark corridors of his estate. It’s snowing again, from what Rey can see, as she passes by tall windows and balcony doors - but the cold is locked outside and she has all the warmth she needs within these endless walls. 

 

Rey decides to make him a large ham and cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes and a light vinaigrette sauce, a freshly squeezed fruit juice and a serving of buttered scrambled eggs with herbs and cheese. She hopes it will be enough for him for tonight. He looks as if he hasn’t eaten in days.

 

Rey shakes her head in agitation, wondering how he’s made it this far in life.

 

When she returns with the meal and an added bowl of fruit for herself, she finds him laying on her bed. His upper body is perched on a couple of pillows, and his lower half sprawled with a blanket covering him. The bedlight is on, and it’s warm glow falls on Ben’s bare chest and a datapad that’s been forgotten on him. 

 

“Ben?” She calls softly.

 

She approaches, setting the tray on a coffee table. He doesn't answer back. Rey climbs on the empty side of the large four poster bed, crawling up to him carefully.

 

“Ben,” she whispers. But his eyes are closed. The dark circles under them are so prominent under the soft lighting that her chest clenches painfully at the sight. He looks exhausted.

 

She takes the datapad and shuts off the light, darkness taking over her room once more. But Rey doesn’t mind as she slips under the covers next to him with her body turned towards the sleeping man. She buries her head in a soft pillow, staring at his sharp profile in the shadows. Counting the rise and fall of his chest. 

 

It’s been years since she last slept next to him, calming his nightmares and guarding his dreams. She never thought she’d get the chance to do it again. So, Rey watches him, eyes wide open in the stillness of the night, brushing the shadows away from his mind. Fighting to give him just one night of peaceful, restful sleep.

 

It’s the least that she can do for the boy, she decides. 

 

For the man she will love until the end of time.

 

Art for chapter 21[Tainted](https://twitter.com/Camminliu/status/1175848222918463489?s=19)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ; ) It will interesting to read your theories about what Ben did. I will not be answering that in the story but perhaps we could try to see beyond that now. Just the way Rey does.
> 
> And for the record, the author believes that he might have TRIED to hook up. But it's a topic open for interpretation.


	27. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my beta MyJediLife who spots every single teeny tiny imperfection and polishes everything off, thank you! ♥️

Rey wakes because of a branch swaying in the wind outside her balcony door.

 

There’s a hint of daylight falling inside, and she rubs her eyes, wondering how in the heavens she managed to allow herself to sleep when she was supposed to be guarding Ben's mind from Snoke. She is much better equipped to do that now then when she was nine years old. But truth is, she is  _ exhausted _ herself.  It has been nothing but tossing and turning for weeks now due to Ben’s escalating restlessness robbing her of sleep. 

 

Or - at least she’d like to make herself believe her lack of sleep has nothing to do with her own battling thoughts and emotions. Rey would very much like to blame Ben for the countless insignificant little moments between them that have been capsizing her life for weeks now. 

 

_ But how can she? _

 

She sighs.

 

When he’s sleeping so peacefully draped over her body like a blanket tonight?

 

His head is resting on top of her beating heart, and his light breath fans on her exposed skin. It warms her. Comforts her. Makes her feel like he can almost belong to her. It makes her not want to get off this bed for the remainder of the night, actually. Or century.

 

Perhaps night can find a way to stretch into the day.

 

She touches his hair that’s sprawled on her chest, runs her fingertips down the smooth skin of his back. There’s so  _ much _ of him on top of her. Rey decides she likes the weight of his heavy body, burying her into the soft mattress of their bed and making it hard for her to breathe.  And his skin, too… All this skin at the disposal of her wandering fingers.

 

Ben stirs.

 

Her fingers still.

 

But he only shifts slightly, and Rey moves her leg from under him to get a little more comfortable. It’s a bit of an odd position she finds herself in - but he’s sleeping soundly, so she figures it’s alright.

 

She wonders if he feels cold at all. His back is exposed to the cool temperature of the room, while Rey lies nicely tucked under him. The blanket barely covers the bottom half of his body, which she tries really hard not to stare at in mortifying curiosity.

 

There's just so much skin and  _ muscle… _

 

Rey shakes her head, trying to collect her wild thoughts.

 

Perhaps she should have brought him some night clothes from his room, along with the food. She should have figured there was no way he would wear those filthy clothes again.

 

_ Well, no point in contemplating about that now. _

 

She shrugs to herself.

 

It's not as if she can do anything about it.

 

Her calloused fingertips continue their walk down the vertebrae of his back.

 

He smells much better now, she decides. A bit flowery, instead of his usual headier musk, but it's completely understandable since he bathed in her fresher. She's not picky.

 

His hair is still damp, though. Maybe he  _ is _ cold.

 

She grasps the ends of the blanket with her other hand, trying to cover him up, but it's too damned tangled under him.

 

Rey huffs.

 

Ben stirs again.

 

She freezes. The branch outside brushes against the window a couple of more times and birds begin to chirp, before she relaxes under him. She really doesn’t want to wake him. He needs his rest. 

 

Rey looks over to the little table on the side of the bed. The little bowl of fruit she had brought in earlier in the night is right where she had left it. She stares at it, munching on her bottom lip. She knew she should have gotten some food inside her before she went to bed. She had barely had any dinner due to her incessant worrying about this crazy man laying on top of her.

 

She brushes the dark thoughts aside instantly.They belong in the past, and she can only look forward now.

 

The bowl is not that far off, now that she thinks about it. Only at arm’s length. Perhaps she could reach it.

 

Rey extends her arm and stretches her fingers, trying to reach the rim of the bowl without waking the sleeping man. It turns out to be quite a task.

 

She bites her bottom lip, holding her breath because her fingers are just a hair away from touching the bowl. In fact, if it were only just a bit closer… Just a tad really... 

 

She’d almost…

 

Yeah, it definitely looks like she’ll have to use the Force.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Her eyes widen.

 

The deep voice makes her tip the bowl over, causing every single one of the delicious starfruit to spill on the floor.

 

“Force, you scared me!”

 

Ben chuckles, this sound that reverberates warmly inside her. “I’ve been listening to your heart patter, wondering what you were up to.” He raises his head and rests his chin on her chest, looking at her playfully - but also a little guarded. She realizes with a pang it’s because he expects her to turn him down in some way again. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

 

His eyes are a bit swollen, but the dark circles underneath are not as prominent. It makes her wish she had stayed completely still for him to rest a bit more.

 

“I didn’t want to. You seemed so peaceful sleeping the way you did, and I know how hard it is for you to get a little rest. How long have you been up?”

 

Something in his gaze changes. Turns a little darker. “The moment you started tracing my spine.” 

 

_ Oh. _

 

Rey feels her cheeks start to heat.

 

“But it’s fine,” he rushes to say. “I don’t mind...”

 

He crosses his forearms over her chest and rests his chin on them, continuing to regard her cryptically in this semi-darkness that’s being chased away by dawn.

 

“I made you something to eat earlier, but by the time I returned, you had already fallen asleep. How do you feel?”

 

“Better… Much, much better…You?"

 

“Alright, I guess. Any nightmares?"

 

Ben shakes his head lightly.

 

"I'm glad," she smiles.

 

He hums lazily, continuing to watch her with that gaze that stirrs the rhythm of her heart.

 

"Are you hungry at all?” She asks, lowering her voice, as if some intimate meaning hides behind her words.

 

He curls the side of his lips a little too mischievously. "Will you feed me?"

 

"If you're good to me." 

 

She can feel her heart beating wildly under his hands, and she knows that he's aware. And he's basking in her boldness. His smile widens and he crinkles his eyes.

 

"Oh, I'll be  _ good _ , baby girl…"

 

They regard each other quietly, this moment too fragile, too thin and delicate to touch. Rey holds her breath, feeling her pulse throb in her ears.

 

Ben shifts slowly. Carefully. Raising himself on his forearms and sliding between her legs to look down at her. His heavy gaze never leaves her face. She feels like he’s studying every little movement, every blink and every breath. Searching…

 

_ Verifying. _

 

Her chest starts to throb. 

 

_ Stars _ , she can’t hide from him.

 

He leans in slowly. Painfully so, letting her realize what his intention is. His breath fans her slightly parted lips, lingering for a heartbeat. And then he kisses her. 

 

Softly. Just once. 

 

Ben pulls back to discern her reaction. His eyes shimmer in the darkness, and he must see something that emboldens him because he brushes his lips on hers before he captures them again. The sound of their kiss is so sweet in the silence of the room it makes her whole body tingle. She timidly wraps her arms around his neck, and it seems that Ben must like it because she feels his tongue caress the inside of her bottom lip. It's a very, very sensitive spot, she realizes with a shiver, and he takes advantage of her response to mold his mouth to hers with a tenderness that makes her chest hurt. 

 

But it doesn’t last. Rey has barely tasted the faint remains of alcohol when he pulls away with the strangest expression on his face. Rey can’t help herself when she reaches for just one more chaste kiss. 

 

Or two…

 

His lips are so incredibly soft, and she really, really likes the feel of them.

 

But he’s looking at her now with that unwavering gaze.

 

“I meant it,” he says solemnly. “What I said to you last night. I haven’t forgotten.”

 

Her breath hitches. His  _ confession,  _ as he had branded it last night, had hit her hard. Rey had found herself clinging to every last thread of reason, only to discover that she had already fallen.

 

She had  _ believed  _ him.

 

But today is different. The drunken haze has lifted. For all she knows, Ben might have regretted saying those words to her, and she doesn't want him to feel obliged to repeat them.

 

“You were drunk. I didn't give much gravity to what you said."

 

Rey is so aware of the weight of him pressing down on her and her body caged between his strong arms. And that gaze...Making her feel more naked than the man on top of her.

 

“You don’t believe me,“ he states. 

 

“No, it’s not that.”

 

“You’re afraid I’ll try to hurt you again.”

 

“It’s… No.”

 

“Then, tell me.”

 

_ There is no going back. _

 

If she tells him, there is no going...

 

He shuts his eyes and sighs. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to pressure you. I…” He tries to shift. To get off her. But her hands grasp his shoulders, preventing him from moving away.

 

He looks at her, confused for a split second before his eyes soften.  _ Hope _ . "You have to tell me what's on your mind, Rey. What I did to you the other night is something I will never forgive myself for, and you don't have to pretend like everything is forgiven and forgotten between us. I'll take anything you throw my way, but please don't take us back to how we were before, barely exchanging five words to each other during the day. I can't do that anymore."

 

"Ben, what you're asking…"

 

"What I'm asking is for you to tell me what you want from me."

 

"It doesn't matter."

 

“That’s not good enough anymore.”

 

Rey swallows thickly. 

 

"I have the galaxy - and you don't want a single particle of it," he continues. "I offer to take care of you, protect you from the dangers of a Jedi’s life, have you by my side, but you reject it all. Is there  _ anything  _ I could ever give you that you would want?"

 

She tries to look away, but he curls his fingers under her chin, turning her head so that he can see her.

 

“Rey?”

 

_  Gods, this stupid, stupid man.  _

 

“You.” 

 

Ben stares at her with those maddening eyes. His breathing starts to pick up. There’s a tension in the Force already coiling up. His eyes dart anxiously between hers. 

 

“All I have ever wanted is  _ you _ , Ben. But I'm not willing to share you with another woman. Least of all Hannah."

 

"You ask for a life that does not belong to us. That we have no right to hope for.  Maybe if life had been different for both of us, simpler, with less responsibilities. But too much is at stake." 

 

She's selfish. Rey knows she's being selfish.

 

"This is what I want."

 

He clenches his jaw and shakes his head.  He is battling with himself again, in a war they both know he can never win.

 

"You're breaking my heart…" he whispers. "I love you so much, and you're breaking my fucking  _ heart. _ "

 

Rey has known for a while that they couldn't come out of this in one piece. Ben had known that from the very beginning. It’s the reason he had once tried to push her away.

 

"Let me figure things out. Let me find a way… There  _ must _ be a way," he mumbles.

 

But Rey knows there is no way out of this situation. 

 

Ben tries to pull away again, but she stops him.  _ Stars,  _ she wishes she could keep him. He lifts his eyes to look at her, and it's the most heartbroken gaze she has ever seen him wear. Perhaps what he said to her last night was true.

 

She _ has _ ruined him.

 

“Let's not talk about this now." She threads her fingers through his hair, the sensation of being able to freely touch him completely new and intoxicating to her. "The Force is so quiet, and the world is still asleep, and I like the way we are right this moment. How about we try to keep this moment for us, Ben. I don’t know how many more we will have together.”

 

She tries not to let her emotions get the better of her again. She plays with the damp tips of his hair at the nape of his neck, hoping those embarrassing tears won’t start forming in her eyes. Rey does not remember crying so much in her life.

 

“I don’t want you to go…” he says softly.

 

And that is exactly the kind of push they needed, because she knows they’re falling down her cheeks. She nods and her lip trembles. The one he had traced so gently earlier.

 

“I know.” She whispers, because she senses her voice will betray her. “But I can’t stay.”

 

He sets his forehead on hers and swipes her tears with the pad of his thumbs over and over, in those small little circles that she’s barely gotten to know, and yet has already missed.

 

“Don’t cry,” he says, but his voice is hoarse. “You know I don’t like seeing you cry.”

 

Rey sniffs and tries to give him a bright smile. But she’s pretty sure it looks kind of pathetic. Ben mirrors it, and his eyes glisten a little as he leans in to kiss the salty trail of her tears. 

 

Rey loves the soft sensation of his lips and the way he cradles her face in his large hands. It makes her feel wanted _. Cherished... _

 

“Let me show you how I feel,” his breath fans on the shell of her ear. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that…”

 

He pulls away to look at her, and all Rey can do is stare back at him in awe. Because she sees it. She sees the love he carries for her that has broken him so. It has changed and evolved, and certainly lost its innocence.  And just like the man, it has its flaws and imperfections, bearing down on her and overwhelming her with its brutal intensity. But there’s a depth to this love now, a throbbing potential energy, that can lift her to the heavens and give her the power to rearrange the stars.

 

And now Rey can't live without it.

 

She’s the one who pulls him down for a kiss this time, with a ferocity and hunger that are frightening. If he’s surprised he doesn't show it, but complies easily to her desperate fumblings. One of his arms wraps around her waist, the other holds his weight as Rey searches for a way to come closer to him, to mold their bodies together. It’s a frustrating sensation, wanting nothing more than to feel his skin on her.

 

Ben chuckles in her mouth as she wraps her legs around his hips, her body craving for friction against this part of him that she can already feel is hard against her center.

 

“Easy there, kitten… No need to show your claws.”  

 

“Ben, you have to…”

 

He hushes her, kissing the tip of her nose before he looks at her tenderly. “I know what you need, and you’ll have it."

 

She stares at him, at those dark eyes boring into her soul, as she digs her nails in the thick muscles of his shoulders. He rocks against her, slowly, his hardness rubbing against that sweet  throbbing between her legs as he holds on to her - because Rey believes she’ll fall if he lets go. 

 

But she trusts him.

 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers as her body bucks at the wondrous sensation. “I won’t let go…I’ll make you feel so good when I’m inside you. When you’re all spread and wet and clenching for me.” She shivers at the sensation of his tongue caressing the sensitive spot under her ear, and his voice is sugary and wicked. “Will you touch yourself, my angel, and think of me on those cold, lonely nights away from my love?”

 

It stings. What he just said to her stings, reminding her of the thin line she constantly walks when she's around him. But she understands where his bitterness stems from.

 

She parts her lips to answer, but he's grasping her chin and kissing her senseless before she’s able to say a word. 

 

Rey gets lost.

 

Lost in the whispered words of sinful affection he says to her, on his assured wandering hands, on the rhythm he’s working on her body. And she revels on it.

 

He slides his large hand up her thigh, all the way to her hip bone, and grasps the hem of her night pants. His gesture is urgent and a little rough as he pulls on them, and their seams stretch.

 

He immediately freezes.

 

Ben snaps his eyes to hers, petrified, and he pulls away.

 

It takes a heartbeat or two for the dreadful realization to settle over her, and for Rey to see the true impact and damage that awful night has had on him.

 

"Hey, it's alright… I want this," she says, reaching for his hands."I would have told you to stop if I didn't."

 

He rakes his hand through his hair and runs it down his face. This beautiful man - tangled in the sheets before her.

 

"You never told me to stop that night."

 

"You weren't yourself…"

 

He can barely look her in the eye.

 

"Would you have forgiven me, if I had gone on ahead?" His deep voice is barely recognizable. 

 

The question hangs in the silence of the room, and Rey can't help but battle with the possibilities for a few endless moments. 

 

Would she have been able to forgive him?

 

She is relieved to know that she never has to find out.

 

_ But still… _

 

The answer feels like a revelation.

 

"Eventually…" she whispers to him. "Yes."

 

He rubs his eyes with his fingers. 

 

"Maker, Rey, I will never do something like that to you again. You won't even need to tell me to stop if something makes you feel uncomfortable. I'll  _ know _ ."

 

_ Stars, this man… _

 

She shuffles towards him and cups his cheek. She searches his eyes. "Ben, I trust you… No, don't look away.. Please don't… Look at me. I mean it.” 

 

He lifts his eyes.

 

He is so broken and ashamed, and Rey wants so desperately to fix him. To put together all these broken pieces and shards and make him the man he was always meant to be.

 

_ Hers. _

 

“You’re the most important thing to me in this whole stupid universe," she says, trying to comfort him, to reassure him. "I want you to know that."

 

He looks away, taking her hand in his gently to set a soft kiss on the inside of her wrist. “That’s not true…” he says, trailing his soft lips on her pulse. “Don't lie to me. We both know what is most important to you," he whispers a little bitterly, and her heart clenches.  _ Gods  _ she can’t see him like this.

 

_ She can’t leave him. _

 

“I’ll stay,” she blurts out, and his dark eyes snap to hers, startled. She caresses his face. “I’ll stay. I can’t be away from you. And besides, someone needs to get you out of those messes you get yourself into."

 

He stares at her, surprised and heartsick and all consuming, and Rey believes he must have stopped breathing because he’s as still as a marble statue for an endless moment.

 

“Breathe, sweetheart,” she giggles, but it comes out a little choked. “Just breathe…”

 

And then his hands are all over her, grasping the hem of her little shirt and lifting it off her body. Her hair spills from its loosened holds, and her skin prickles against the coldness of the room - but his body is so warm and solid, and he envelopes her so perfectly.

 

Ben kisses her neck and the jut of her collar bone, trailing a scorching path with his lips as he sets her back down on the cool sheets.

 

She buries her hands in his hair just as he takes the nipple of her left breast in his hot mouth. Her eyes fly open at the sensation, because it shoots down to her throbbing core and she definitely did not see  _ that _ coming. 

 

She squirms under him, but he’s latched on and all she can do is pant his name and try not to lose her mind at the way he suckles on her nipple.

 

“Ben?”

 

"Hmm…?" He sounds a little breathless, lapping at the tight bud. And is that his stubble scratching against her skin? Rey has forgotten what she was about to say. She tugs on his hair instead. But he only switches breasts, and Rey thinks she will  _ die _ .

 

“Take my clothes off,” she whispers to him. “Take them all off, please…”

 

He moans on her breast, and Rey knows she’s muttering crazy things to him as he pulls away and grasps the hem of her night pants for a second time.

 

Ben peels them off.

 

Her mind is clouded, and her body aroused and her heart is thudding in her chest like a jackhammer, because he looks so beautiful - tall and straight before her. She reaches her hand out to touch the muscles of his abdomen, to trace her fingers down the line of hair that lead to his manhood, standing erect and proud. 

 

She is so  _ curious _ . 

 

She trails her fingertips along the velvet skin of his shaft, and over the silkiness of the round tip while he watches intensely with a quickening breath. It's a little wet there at its end, and Rey collects the little moisture on her index finger.

 

Then brings her finger to her mouth to taste it.

 

His gaze grows wild.

 

He's between her legs in the blink of an eye,  pushing them apart and hurrying to devour her.

 

“Wait!” 

 

She feels horrible at how pained and desperate his expression is when he looks at her from between her legs. 

 

“I want to look at you,” she breathes out. “I want to see you and kiss you and…”

 

“I don’t want you to hurt when I push inside you. This will help.”

 

She shakes her head vehemently. “I don't care if it hurts. I want to see you.”

 

And yes, that’s a definite growl that he lets out.

 

“You’re just as crazy,” he chuckles, crawling up her body to set one of his bruising kisses on her lips. And maybe he’s right. She hasn’t been functioning right for some time now. She wraps her arms around him, pulling him over her and opens wide for him to claim. 

 

Her body molds instinctively against his as yearning and longing and desperate want take over. This is what Rey has been missing. And suddenly everything aligns perfectly - like some kind of bizarre astronomical phenomenon. Her heart and body and mind and soul, together for this one moment she has been waiting for all her life.

 

His fingers slip between her swollen, wet folds instead, and Rey stops him with another shake of her head. Ben gulps, on the verge of coming undone.

 

“Not your fingers,” she whispers on his full lips. “You..”

 

The look he gives her is so adorable it makes any trepidation she might have had melt away. He shakes his head lightly, unable to form a single word. Rey feels him settle between her parted legs, feels him demand entrance to the only part of her he hasn’t claimed. The tip of him easily finds its way between her folds. 

 

His brown eyes lock with her hazel ones.

 

Dawning light breaks into the room just as Ben pushes inside her.

 

_ “Ben? Why is it not allowed for the Jedi to love?” The dawning light simmers on his ebony hair as the teenage boy cranks a sleepy eye open for her. “Is that what kept you up all night?” he grumbles. Rey shrugs. “I just don’t think I’ll become a very good Jedi is all…” The boy rubs his sleepy face and studies her in the dawning light for a few moments before he smirks playfully at her. “And why’s that?” Rey shrugs again, pouting her lips. “What if you get to protect the ones you love,” he says tweaking her nose. “Will that be alright?” “I don’t think I’ll ever need to protect you,” she answers in a small voice. The teenage boy laughs… _

 

He remains terrifyingly still, sheathed inside her as her body is stretched to its limits to engulf him. The ripping sensation was short, and easily bearable for her, but he still looks down at her carefully, taking in the smallest change in her expression with an affection that makes him glow under the sun’s rays.

 

“Are you alright? Let me take the pain for you. Open up for me, my love.”

 

Rey finds his comment a little silly, to be honest with herself, because he should have noticed.

 

“I already have…” she whispers to him.

 

He shuts his eyes for a brief second, reveling in her essence, and then leans in to kiss her softly just as he starts to  _ move _ . Pulling out carefully and pushing in a little deeper. And, true to his word, the pain is gone and only  _ he _ is left. Filling her body and heart and giving himself to her without a sliver of hesitation. 

 

It humbles her.

 

Makes her ache in the most beautiful way.

 

Ben wraps one of her legs around his hips, holding it there with a splayed palm as he continues to move inside her, coaxing her body to move along to a rhythm that Rey swears follows the cadence of the universe. And as each thrust goes a little deeper and every tender whisper he says digs a little closer to her heart, Rey knows that she will never be the same again.

 

She will never be alone again.

 

And it feels so, so  _ good _ …

 

“That’s it, my love, let me in,” he croons sinfully in her ear. “Take all of me in. This is where I belong. Buried deep inside you.”

 

Rey nods in her haze as his hot breath caresses her neck. Because she would do anything and everything he asked of her right now.

 

Their joined bodies move faster now, breaths panting and skin glistening in sweat as his thrusts get a little harder, a little more erratic, and he grinds against that sacred little spot  with every push. Her nails dig in his back.

 

"Say it to me," she beseeches. "Tell me how you feel. I want to know how you…"

 

He silences her with a tender kiss.

 

"Hush now, my love," he says as one more thrust fills her. "I'm here to  _ show _ you."

 

Rey can barely hear anything else he says through her own moans of pleasure. She knows he’s lifting her, guiding her to a precipice with him, showing her the fall that awaits them. And he is right there with her, inside her, every thrust of the way.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

He’s looking at her now, a shadow surrounded in a halo of light. The monster, the man, the boy...

 

“Yes.”

 

Their breaths mingle.

 

_ Cum with me… _

 

The universe convulses. Shatters into myriads of suns. 

 

 

 

They lay  tangled in each other’s limbs, and with his spend still sticky between her legs. The sunlight is blinding her eyes, but she buries her face in his neck, savoring his scent and feeling his strong, steady pulse ground the flutter of her own. His hair is matted on his temple, and his chest is glistening with sweat, and Rey feels a blessed tiredness taking over her body. 

 

She falls asleep with his fingers rubbing little circles on her back.

 

They slumber in and out of sleep for the remainder of the morning. She wakes to his lips tracing lazy paths down the curve of her neck, and his cock already hard against her behind. She feels a little sore when he spreads the lips of her cunt with his thick fingers and rocks himself slowly inside her. But his whispered words of love in her ear, and the affection of his embrace have her soon forgetting all about it.

 

They are hiding, Rey thinks, as his fingers play deftly with the swollen nub between her legs. They are hiding from the world and its responsibilities. Locked in a room and its four poster bed, and wishing that this could become all the world they need.

 

Her release creeps up on her, drawn out and intense as she moans his name and clenches around him. He soon follows through in a few powerful thrusts and groans.

 

They are a mess of sweat, semen, blood and panting breaths. It's all the reality she wants.

 

They have a kitchen droid bring them food, and they shower together in the fresher. He holds her in his arms, shushing her sobs as the water runs cold around them. His heart thuds in his chest as painfully as hers - because they both know that reality will soon catch up with them.

 

They eat, they talk, they even laugh…

 

And they make love.

 

"Tell me about your dreams, Ben," she whispers later in the night. The room is dark and the night sky heavy outside with the promise of more snow. The lay facing each other, with their legs and arms draped over one another because they have to make up for so many lost touches.

 

He sighs. "What do you want to know?"

 

"Why does he want you dead?" She whispers, as if the creature could hear them from across the galaxy.

 

He looks at her, with those dark, intense eyes simmering in the darkness. He caresses her hair with his large palm, and there’s a reverence in his touch, as if she holds all the secrets of the universe.

 

"He doesn't. He never did," he confesses. "He's always wanted me to join him."

 

Rey gapes at him. "Why didn't Luke train you, then? You might have been able to fight him off."

 

Ben shrugs in the shadows. "I always wondered the same thing," he mumbles bitterly.

 

Who knows how things would have turned out if Ben had remained in the academy? Rey can't help but wonder. Righteous anger fills her at the thought that perhaps Ben would have never been tormented so by his Darkness.

 

"Tell me more…" she whispers to him. And he does. Recalling the emptiness of his years and his cruel methods of survival in the heartless, greedy world of politics.

 

“Did you think of me?” She asks at some point. 

 

“You were my sanctuary. How could I not?’ He says softly, and kisses her lips.

 

The birds begin to chirp, and the first light of dawn illuminates the room by the time they fall asleep with the remainders of their lovemaking still fresh on their bodies. 

 

And Rey promises him she will never leave his side again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chasing cars? Yeah... Chasing cars. Snow Patrol.
> 
> *pout* There are a few reviews I never got around to answering, I'm so sorry ☹


	28. Burn this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A favorite character gets the goodbye he deserves.
> 
> A thousand thank yous to my beta MyJediLife for being awesome!
> 
> And an amazing art piece for the previous chapter Touch by Camminliu at the end! I'm just full of surprises. Enjoy!

Bleeding sunsets are rarely seen on Chandrila.

 

But nothing could be more fitting for a goodbye such as this.

 

Ben squints at the red sun and its palette of bruising colors in the sky, feeling the light breeze ruffle wisps of hair around his face. The lake ripples peacefully just a few feet away, and the forest is settling for the evening, a sight that once calmed him, liberated him, is now turning into one of the most haunting images he will ever carry.

 

That of his father's funeral.

 

He doesn't even realize his hand is in a tight fist until he feels cool, slender fingertips wrap around it, unclenching one finger at a time to thread between them. 

 

He lifts them to set a kiss on their tips, not giving a flying fuck about what anybody might think, because he can feel Rey’s radiant eyes on him, full of care and concern. They lift the weight from his chest - making it, somehow, less painful and constrictive.

 

_She makes living with himself bearable..._

 

Skywalker frowns during his hushed incantation, and his mother gives him a piercing stare, but that's all the attention Rey and he receive from the small company of close friends attending Han Solo’s parting ceremony. Ben finds everything redundant. Useless almost. 

 

What’s the point of burying a pair of golden-colored dice in the ground when his father’s remains are scattered amongst the stars?

 

He can almost see his father, wearing that infamous smirk and leaning his shoulder against the old bark of the tintolive tree by the back patio. He would have rolled his eyes at all this. And laughed.

 

“They need a goodbye,” Rey whispers next to him, as if his thoughts were voiced aloud. “And so do you.”

 

“I’d rather we stayed locked up in our room back at the estate in Coruscant.”

 

She slides those bright eyes to his, and Ben wants to get lost inside them. Count their golden specks and explore the hidden treasures in their depths for the rest of his life.

 

"Is that all you ever think about?"

 

She’s chiding him, and she looks so damn adorable that he barely restrains himself from wiping that little pout away with a searing kiss. She’s fucked him up real good, this little minx.

 

"Hardly. I can think of a million better places in this galaxy I would like to lock you in."

 

 _"_ You’re _unbelievable_ ! _"_

 

He untangles their hands and wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her in for a soft kiss on the crown of her head. No. He no longer cares what everyone thinks. 

 

Ben has made up his mind.

 

“Relax,” he whispers in her hair, feeling her tense under his arm. She smells of flowers and the frail scent of freedom. “My father would approve.”

 

“That’s not what I’m concerned about. You’re not being very discreet.”

 

She pulls away, levels him with that fiery stare. The one that does all sorts of _things_ to him - while she’s completely unaware. 

 

"Perhaps I don't care to be anymore. Why don’t you let me do the worrying for both of us,” he says, and then leans in to whisper in her ear. “The only thing I ask of you is to let me touch you.”

 

He pulls away and watches her. Waiting hungrily for _that_ reaction.

 

Her lovely cheeks begin to heat. “You're going to get us into trouble,” she whispers, incredulous, but he knows she doesn’t mean it.

 

Ben chuckles softly in her hair.

 

 _Maker,_ he’s so fucked…

 

The ceremony is humble and quiet, completely at odds with his father’s character. Ben sits on simmering coals throughout it - knowing that if it weren't for Rey at his side he would have fled a while back.

 

When it ends, Skywalker approaches the two of them, while the rest of the company disperses in small conversations. Two of his Jedi are at his side, Nyxx and a younger woman that Ben has never met before. Sometimes he forgets how many years have passed since he was part of the Academy.

 

"Ben."

 

His uncle greets him sternly with those eerie blue eyes, searching to discern what’s locked inside his mind. But Ben keep his walls raised and solid. It's a trick he has been forced to teach himself along the years, and it gives him immense satisfaction to know that it’s as impermeable to a Master Jedi as it is to Snoke. 

 

When he’s awake, at least.

 

Ben nods back stiffly and Luke turns his attention to Rey, grasping her chin lightly and studying her under the setting rays of the sun. Ben can sense her escalating discomfort and is about to intervene, but Skywalker releases her soon enough with a hum.

 

“You’re more ready than I thought, kid,” he mutters and moves on ahead towards the house.

 

Nyxx winks at her fondly before sending Ben a glare.

 

“Gettin’ your heart all warmed up there, Solo?"

 

“Get lost, Nyxx. I'm not in the mood."

 

"Aw...Is  this how you treat an old friend? I thought you'd be all mushy and cuddly with me  after all this time apart."

 

Ben narrows his eyes at him.

 

"Not now," Rey sets her hand on Ben’s arm to placate him, but speaks to the Jedi.. "Let him be…This has been a hard day on him."

 

Nyxx regards her, green charcoaled eyes sparkling mischievously.

 

"You know I'd bust his balls for you if he misbehaved."

 

"I know…"

 

The Jedi nods in acceptance. "Well then, tell your man his days are about to get even harder, and he had better have his head screwed on in the right place. Too much depends on him," he warns.

 

"Are you done?" Ben snaps. 

 

"For now…" he drawls.

 

Nyxx shoves his shoulder against him as he moves on, and Ben digs his heels into the ground with the Force to keep himself from staggering.

 

_Piece of shit._

 

He’s lucky Rey likes him so much, otherwise he would have had him exiled to Dathomir to rot with the Nightsisters a long time ago.

 

“You want to get out of here?” Rey beams at him, and Ben couldn’t feel more relieved.

 

“Absolutely.”

 

  
  


 

Junari Point has always been one of his favorite places to visit at home, with its quiet narrow  streets and low built homes. Ben had never imagined he would ever be graced to walk its cobbled alleys with the woman he loves on his side. Its citizens are used to his stark presence and barely pay any attention to him, but they seem to be utterly charmed by Rey.

 

Which was to be expected.

 

He watches her order a solid meal from the young waiter, who is smiling politely but seems to be completely smitten by her, at their table overlooking the Silver Sea. Her voice rings pleasantly in the small, family-owned restaurant which serves the best seafood Ben has ever tasted in the galaxy. He can’t seem to be able to get his eyes off her tonight.

 

She is bewitching.

 

"I've never felt at home on a planet before," she says, sounding a bit melancholy as she stares out at the sea. "Yavin IV was great, and I was never alone at the Academy. But there was always something not quite right about it, despite the years I've spent there." Ben feels her eyes on him as he twirls his glass on the cotton tablecloth. 

 

"Why is that?"

 

Rey shrugs. "Perhaps because I grew up on a sand planet."

 

"Growing up at a certain location does not make it your home."

 

"That’s interesting, coming from you. You’ve always had a home and family that loved you. Unlike me."

 

"That’s not true."

 

“Your family cares for you. Skywalker as well, although I know you don’t want to believe it.”

 

“That’s not what I mean.”

 

She raises her brow at him and takes a sip of her wine. Ben continues to twirl his glass as she looks at him expectedly.

 

"You’ve always had a home. Perhaps neither of those planets were meant to be your _real_ home but..."

 

"And where would my real home be?" She asks innocently, but Ben knows her better by now.

 

He lifts his eyes to look at her.

 

"With me."

 

She laughs wholeheartedly, snorting between giggles while he smirks back. She tosses him a piece of bread.

 

"I'm serious. There's no point in searching the galaxy to find a place to belong," he continues, seemingly self-assured. "You've always belonged to me."

 

Rey’s smile fades slightly, and her beautiful eyes begin to shine. It must be the soft glow of the candle lights and the sound of lapping sea waves on the shore that, somehow, make this moment hovering between them more precious than a promise. 

 

More irrevocable than fate.

 

The twin moons sparkling in the sea are really doing a number on him tonight.

 

She clears her throat, pointing to the last pieces of ostracods marinated in a wine sauce that are left on his plate. “Are you going to eat that?"

 

Ben shakes his head. "It’s all yours, sweetheart." 

 

_That and so much more._

 

Rey gives him a radiant smile, and it wraps around his withered heart like a string of neon lights. The damp, salty breeze ruffles their hair as Rey goes on to tell him a story from the Academy. Ben rubs his face and chuckles, allowing the night to carry them back to the past as if it were a dream.

 

 _Maker_ , he wishes he had been there with her so much it _hurts_.

 

He watches her carefully, barely eating a bite. Drinking in her presence as if it’s the only sustenance he needs.

 

Her cheeks are sun-kissed from today’s sun, and her hair is up in a mess of wild, chestnut strands. Wisps of it fall around the angles of her face and touch her slender neck. Ben wants to twirl their ends around his fingers and lick a trail down that delicious skin.

 

 Feast on her body like the hungry creature that he is.

 

"You are such a messy eater for someone who is so picky about their food," she comments at some point when the ripples of the sea have turned into a glassy surface and the old fashioned candles on their table are half gone.

 

She reaches with her thumb to wipe the side of his mouth and Ben instinctively wraps his lips around it. Suckles on the calloused skin and licks it with his tongue.

 

Rey’s gaze darkens.

It’s all the invitation he needs to demand the bill to their dinner _immediately_.

 

He kisses her fervently up against a stone wall in the back alley of the restaurant, two shadows wrapped in wild panting and an intimate embrace. Far too intimate for any innocent bystander. 

 

“Here?” she breaths onto his heated skin. His fingers are knuckle deep inside her and she’s so slick and ready for him, it makes his head spin and his erection _ache_.

 

“Yes, here... It’ll be quick.”

 

He paws down her pants and unfastens his own. He needs to take the edge off, or he won’t be able to walk back to their shuttle.

 

This is what his beautiful girl has reduced him to.

 

“Turn around. Put your hands on the wall."

 

She does as he says without a second word and he nearly growls in satisfaction.

 

He thrusts inside her eagerly, brutally, with his hand covering her moans and his teeth marking the slender slope of her neck. And his girl takes him all. Every inch and every drop of him. Ben nearly falls to his knees when she milks him dry and then demands _more._

 

He is careless. He knows he's being careless with her, but he will give her the moons and the stars and every broken piece of him to stitch back together, if he can only taste her lips and cum between her legs for the rest of his life.

 

_A life._

 

With her. 

 

A family...

 

The traitorous thought flickers inside him. It threatens to consume him whole when she caresses his cheek at the end of their reckless love-making. 

 

“What’s wrong?” She asks, studying him with those soul-searching eyes. Their clothes are bunched around their ankles, and she’s still caged between his arms when she turns to look at him. Ben lifts his head from her shoulder.  He can never hide from her. He sees the melancholy in her gaze and it reflects his own.

 

“Nothing.” _Everything_ will be wrong if she’s not by his side. “It’s late and I want you in my bed rather than up against a wall.”

 

Laughter breaks from her chest. “You’re insatiable.” 

 

Yes. Yes, he _is_.

 

 

  
  


“I know there’s something you wish to tell me.” His mother says. 

 

He finds her standing at the patio late that night and staring at the glassy surface of the lake. The moons have risen, yet it’s hard to distinguish her figure in the darkness. Those mourning greys she wears now are harder to accept than he thought. But Ben could always sense her, even from across a planet. The power of the Force inside her, although raw and untamed, had been his beacon all his life. When his uncle denied him the training he deserved, it came as no surprise to anyone that Ben chose to follow in her footsteps.

 

Power is what it _is_. In one form or another.

 

He approaches slowly, not wishing to seem urgent or careless in her eyes. His heavy footsteps mingle with the sounds of the sleeping forest, as he comes to stand next to her, setting one hand in his pocket of his trousers and the other on the patio railing. He glances at her, knowing that she’s trying desperately to reign in the pain of their loss. She doesn’t want to burden him.

 

_If she only knew…_

 

“I’m thinking of not going through with the wedding,” he announces.

 

But she doesn’t seem surprised. He waits for a moment, expecting some kind of answer, but she gives him none. Ben frowns. That’s the oldest trick in the book she’s using on him, one he’s used too many times on others himself.

 

And it always works. Every damn time.

 

He clears his throat.

 

“I don’t believe it will make a difference if I marry Hannah or not. The Chiss wish to join the Republic on their own terms, and this is the best chance they’ll ever get since we need this alliance so much. Hannah is just sealing the deal for us all.”

 

His mother shakes her head, which makes Ben bristle. 

 

“Hannah won’t care, mother. Yes, we might get along and work well together, but you know as well as I do that there are no emotions involved between us.”

 

“This isn’t just about you and Hannah anymore, Ben.”

 

“Political engagements have been broken before, it hardly means anything if the two parties are still willing to…”

 

“Not with the Chiss.” His mother’s eyes are as sharp as daggers on him.

 

Ben takes a sharp inhale, allowing his gaze to roam over the shadows of the forest line and the midnight sky, so that he can gather his thoughts and put them in some kind of logical order if he wants to have any chance of winning an argument with his mother. He moves his weight from one leg to the other.

 

“You have been against this marriage from the very beginning, and have talked my ears off too many times in the past. What made you change your mind now?” he concedes.

 

“Everything changed the moment that damn weapon blew up the Hosnian system, and more than half of the Republic’s starfleet along with it! Your deal with the Chiss is more crucial now than it has ever been. We need all the help we can get. I hate to admit it, because I never wanted this for you, but looking ahead and trying to foresee everything that could go wrong is what’s making you the Republic’s last hope. You must be _extremely_ careful if you choose to back down now.”

 

“I told you Hannah doesn't care…”

 

“But the Chiss might. Especially if there’s a proposition towards them from the First Order. We both know that’s a possibility.”

 

Ben huffs, feeling the beginnings of anger stir his insides.

 

"They will not support the First Order."

 

"There is no guarantee, especially when it’s unclear who the winning side will be."

 

"Have you such little faith in the Republic, mother?" 

 

He is the worst type of skeptic, but she definitely wins the prize. She knows exactly what to say to crush his hard work to the ground.

 

"It's a matter of survival in a time of war, Ben," she grinds on. "The new fleet in Kuat is not enough to protect the Republic. Starkiller base has done too much damage!"

 

Ben clenches his teeth. "So, I've _noticed_. We are here paying respects to a pair of dice, aren't we?"

 

His mother flinches as if stung, and Ben knows his venom has hit a vein. Part of him wants to take the words right back but, frankly, he is just too _pissed._

 

"This is about Rey, isn't it?" she asks.

 

He stares at her, blinking like an idiot.

 

" _What?_ No!" _Fuck. "_ Of course not."

 

"Don't think I haven't noticed. Your uncle is even aware."

 

There's a ruffling of fabric, and she comes to stand directly in front of him, placing her hand on his arm. Her gaze sparkles in the night, and reads him like an open book. He’s twice her height, but somehow she still makes him feel like a toddler.

 

"I know what she means to you, my boy. I can sense what you want, but this is not the right time…"

 

Ben looks away, chewing the inside of his cheek. He shouldn't have come to her. Deep down he knew she wouldn't support his decision. 

 

"No, you don't know what she means to me," he snaps icily, pulling his arm away. "You never did. Because if either of you knew, you wouldn't have brought her to me."

 

"She was the only one who could help you!"

 

"The only one who could fix me, you mean to say. Whose idea was it?"

 

"Ben, that is not why…"

 

"Whose idea was it, mother? Yours? Skywalker's? Did my Darkness frighten the two of you so much again that you had to sacrifice Rey to fix me?"

 

"Ben…"

 

" _Tell me!"_

 

"It was your father's!"

 

Ben stares at her, dumbfounded for a second time in one night. She's staring at him with tears in her eyes, and Ben does not remember seeing his mother cry in years. Not since his father walked out on her once and for all.

 

"He never gave a damn about the Force, but he always believed in the connection you shared with Rey. He didn't want you to marry Hannah," she breathes out. 

 

His mother watches him anxiously, her usual collected mask chipping along its edges. Years of sorrow and loneliness threatening to seep through the cracks.

 

"He didn't want you to live without knowing love, my boy. No matter what pain it may bring… And I agreed."

 

"What...connection?" Is all he can stammer.

 

But his mother never answers his questions. She never did. Only plied him with more. _Yes_ , everyone knew how strangely close he was to Rey. How dependent he was on her soothing Light. Ben had forgotten what her presence felt like until he saw a filthy, sand covered Jedi bathe in sunlight in the middle of the Senate's corridor. 

 

And he knew he was fucked.

 

Because his little girl had grown up to become a stunning woman that could harbor more than just his body. She could harbor his heart.

 

"What do I do?" He whispers brokenly. "How do I get out of this situation?"

 

Surely his mother must _know._ She's always known what to do. And she _must_ help him figure out a way.

 

But she only caresses his face and wipes his tears away gently, with her own eyes glistening in the moonlight.

 

"My sweet, _precious_ boy… There is no way out, now. You have no choice."

 

 

  


Rey’s half asleep when he slips under the covers of his old bed, her body warm and relaxed and so inviting. But he’s too messed up to think of anything else other than wrapping his body around hers and basking in her comfort. He puts his arm around her waist and pulls her close to him. 

 

“What took you so long?” she asks over her shoulder. Her voice is hoarse and drowsy.

 

Ben buries his nose in her hair, that smells like burned candle and the salt of the sea, refusing to give her an immediate answer. 

 

He has received a communication from Connix. One that he has been dreading for weeks. And he wishes he could hide the news from Rey and find _someway_ to keep her away from his cruel reality. Shield her. Protect her like he always did. 

 

But she’s not a little girl anymore. And he’s grown so very tired of carrying the world on his shoulders all on his own.

 

“The Chiss delegation has arrived and is in orbit around Coruscant. They are waiting for me,” he mumbles in her hair, tightens his hold around her waist. 

 

He can’t let her go. He _must_ figure out a way.

 

She nods on the pillow, shuffles around to look at him. Her breath feels so wistful on his face, and their closeness in this small bedroom of his childhood years carries a nostalgia that has dug so deep inside him, Ben knows he has never fully recovered from its loss. He has carried Rey throughout the years. Searched for her in every face that showed a spark of interest in him. 

 

_Tried to replace her._

 

How foolish of him to think that he could.

 

Ben can’t meet her gaze.

 

“You’re not alone in this. I promised you I’d stay,” she speaks softly, searching his eyes.

 

“I don’t want to put you through this pain…”

 

“I”ve been through worse pain before, Ben. I don’t want to be away from you anymore.”

 

She runs her fingers through his hair and it feels so damn good, but he thinks it must be something else that has made his chest clench so hard. Perhaps it was the way she said his name, or the softness of her voice, or... 

 

 _It’s so hard to tell_.

 

“Ben, are you alright?”

 

Something inside him bursts. Like a dam or volcano. It floods and incinerates him, threatening to level and destroy everything he’s ever built. It makes his heart thump in a painful tempo and fills him with resolve. 

 

He snaps his gaze to hers.

 

“I’m calling off the wedding,” he says suddenly.

 

Rey’s eyes open wide.

 

“ _What_?” she stammers.

 

But Ben has made up his mind. 

 

“I’m not marrying Hannah.”

 

He no longer gives a damn. 

 

Her fingertips touch the high bone of his cheek and it feels as if they shake a little. She looks surprised. Frightened almost.

 

“Can you really do that?” The hope igniting in her eyes is the most beautiful emotion he has ever seen. Ben knows he will walk to the pits of hell itself and back if he can get to keep Rey at his side.

 

He captures her lips hungrily before she’s able to voice a single objection, laying down on his back and pulling her over him. She straddles his hips and pushes herself up to look at him. 

 

“I don’t care what it takes,” is all he can say.

 

He cups her face in his large hands, runs his thumbs along the bow of her lips and gazes up at her. At his little girl. His mighty Jedi.  

 

_His devastating woman._

 

“I want _you_.”

 

And the whole galaxy can _burn_ down with him.

 

 

Art by Camminliu for chapter 27 [Touch](https://twitter.com/Camminliu/status/1181961864948912128)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a handful of days till the wedding and our babies are getting desperate. A choice between duty and love is not as simple as it may seem. There are some hard decisions coming up!


	29. Building castles on sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a change of POV at the end of the chapter. Look out for it. 
> 
> My eternal thank yous to MyJediLife for betaing!
> 
> And now, behold! The Chiss.

Their skin is the color of a summer sky, but their eyes are red and hot like burning lava.

 

Rey feels the hair on the back of her neck rise in warning when a few Chiss delegates regard her stonily as she comes to stand next to Ben. She has her head hidden under the hood of her cloak and her hands clasped loosely in front of her, trying not to show the unease she feels in their presence. 

 

The Chiss are tall, solemn and very, very cold.

 

The two greeting parties stand across from each other in front of Coruscant’s Government building, with a mood as heavy as the leaden sky. The Chiss have always kept to themselves, from what Rey recalls from her history lessons back at the Academy, and have detested any form of contact with foreign civilizations. She is surprised that Ben has managed to break through their seclusion and work an alliance with them, which means that the Chiss must need something in return for the Republic’s support. Perhaps it has to do with the First Order posing a rising threat to the galaxy - she thinks - or the Vagaari causing problems in their Confederacy once again.

 

Or perhaps there are other intents hidden behind those burning gazes. 

 

Ben steps forward, imposing as ever and with his politician’s mask solidly in place. 

 

“Aristocra Xeno Ar’alani of house Nuruodo,” he addresses one of the delegates, an older man, judging from the white strands of hair peppered on black. The man is dressed in rich rust-red colors and seems to be the head of the Chiss party. “I welcome you to Coruscant. May our meeting help retain peace in our galaxy.”

 

Ben does not bow. He does not hold out a hand for a shake, or make any other attempt for physical contact.

 

“High Chancellor Ben Solo of House Skywalker,” the man steps forward and responds just as stiffly with his strange clipped accent. “May our meeting bring peace, indeed.”

 

The wind is crisp, biting and it only accentuates the icy sensation crawling up Rey’s spine. Many gazes are set on her as she remains at Ben’s side with her saberstaff ready at hand. There must be a total of twelve delegates, dressed in earthly colors of grey, bronze and copper green depending on their house, and it’s not hard to distinguish which ones of them are armed. This might be a meeting aimed to retain peace in the galaxy, but it wouldn’t take much for things to go south. And Chiss weapon technology is not to be taken lightly.

 

“May I inquire about my betrothed’s whereabouts?” Ben asks.

 

Jealousy wrenches Rey’s insides. She shouldn’t feel so surprised about his question. She really shouldn’t. Rey had been expecting to see his fiancee amongst the delegation, but it looks as if the meeting will revolve strictly around politics for the day. 

 

Rey is relieved to know that the inevitable has been postponed for a few more hours.

 

“My daughter is on board our ship orbiting your planet. She will meet with you later in the day,” the older man informs him before sliding his eerie red eyes to Rey. Many more burning gazes follow his lead. “ _ Alone. _ ”

 

Ben’s already stiff back straightens even more, and he clenches his jaw. She feels his anxiety spike in the Force momentarily before he expertly cloaks it. But it’s a little late. Rey has sensed the fears hidden behind his determination to make this alliance work. He’s trying to protect her from his worries, but hiding from one another has only brought them harm.

 

She wants to reach out to him and tell him that she’s here for him for better or for worse, but feels as if she can't so much as glance his way under the Chiss’s bone-scorching gaze.

 

“Of course,” he rumbles in reply without a sliver of emotion.

 

He steps aside and extends his hand to Xeno Ar’alani to proceed.

 

“Shall we head inside? There is much to discuss.”

 

Ben steals a glance her way for a heartbeat and her throat clenches. He looks so desolate in that brief instance, and Rey realizes with dread that all their hopes, their dreams and reckless moments together may come crashing down like a castle of sand in a matter of minutes. How foolish of them to believe they could build anything solid so close to the destructive waves of an upcoming war.

 

Xeno Ar’alani steps forth but does not look her way, as he passes in front of her and accompanies the High Chancellor up the stone steps of the Senate Building.

 

“The infamous Jedi,” a woman dressed in bronze robes speaks to her. She too is elderly, with a grace in her movements that is only acquired by authority. “We have heard so much about you. But perhaps _rumors_ should not be given much heed. It’s always best to see for oneself and make their own conclusions, wouldn’t you say, Jedi?” The woman smiles icily at her. “I believe your High Chancellor would agree.” 

 

_ They know. _

 

Rey suddenly realizes and her stomach twists into an ugly knot. 

 

_ About me and Ben, they… _

 

“Miss Jakku? I believe your place is at my side.”

 

Ben is waiting for her at the steps, body half turned in her direction. The wind unfurls his heavy, black cloak and messes his hair. He looks grand and stern, but Rey can see his anxiety seeping through his immaculate composure. 

 

He is barely holding on. And he needs her.

 

She nods and falls in step behind him, feeling his relief wash over her. The rest of the delegation follows as well.

 

The talks and negotiations drag on with barely any breaks. The Chiss are hard, cold-blooded, and very calculative in their demands, causing many representatives of the Republic to object or flat out turn down their propositions. Ben - or High Chancellor, Rey tries to remind herself - intervenes many times in order to smooth out territorial differences and explain the diversity of cultures within the Republic, and how fundamental it is for them to abide under a common law. But the Chiss, it seems, wish to retain control of their independence, a matter that completely contradicts this whole effort to combine their powers.

 

“They are afraid of the First Order. Don’t let them fool you. The Empire brought too much destruction upon the galaxy,” Rey leans in to whisper in Ben’s ear many hours into the discussions. He is sprawled on his seat, with his chin resting on a tight fist and the down curl of his lips more prominent than ever. Rey swats away the desire to run her lips along the curve of his ear. The residual musk of his aftershave always has this effect on her.

 

“I’m sensing the same but they are so damn stubborn,” he rumbles back irritated. “They cannot remain independent and demand the Republic to finance their needs or cover their backs. They have to give something in return. And a few battleships is not enough.”

 

“You’re too lenient with them. They know the Republic is desperate. Maybe you should change your approach?”

 

Ben hums, rapping his fingers on the polished surface of the large conference table in deep thought. When he eventually turns to look at her, Rey’s heart nearly breaks at the disappointment written all over his face.

 

He stares at her with those intense, brown eyes and Rey suddenly understands.

 

“They do not wish to cooperate,” he says. “They must have a better deal from the First Order. There is no other explanation.”

 

She almost wishes it were true.

 

“Ben…”

 

“I don’t know what to do…” he sighs.

 

She sets her hand over his to comfort him and he simply stares at her. Stares at her as if a miracle could happen and sanity could return in this galaxy.

 

Rey does not know how long they remain enclosed in each other’s presence. But when she looks up Xeno Ar’alani does not seem to be pleased.

 

 

 

 

“Won’t you be seeing… Hannah?” Rey asks when she and Ben have taken their respective seats in the lounge of his ship. He signals at the serving droid to leave them and turns to look outside the large durasteel window. He rubs his face. 

 

“I asked to meet with her tomorrow. I’m tired and I need to think.” He mumbles.

 

Rey feels a heavy stone settle in her guts. Coruscant’s lights wash over his features, as the ship rises in the evening sky, and she wishes they could wipe away his brooding thoughts. Because Rey knows the conflict that’s eating him up. 

 

She’s the reason behind it. 

 

“How about we go someplace that can take your mind off these talks? We can be back in Coruscant in the morning. There’s a moon close by and it has a reclusive resort in orbit that we could go to. We wouldn’t worry about anyone seeing us or...”

 

“I despise being careful and trying to hide you from prying eyes.”

 

“We can’t be anything more at the moment, Ben. Going public wouldn’t be a good idea.”

 

“Because of your Jedi rules or because of the Chiss?”

 

She presses her lips together tightly. The pressure he is under is immense, but there is no reason for him to act this way.

 

“You’re tired and not thinking straight.”

 

His shoulders sag with an imperceptible sigh and he runs his hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to be abrupt. The Chiss are giving me a hard time, which I expected of course, but there’s more hidden behind their reluctance to cooperate and I’m trying to figure out what it is."

 

Rey nods, clamping down the guilt churning her insides.

 

"But I’d rather not talk about the negotiations now," he continues. "Not when I’m finally here with you. Just you...”

 

His gaze bores on her, opaque and heavy with burden, and she finds herself once more unable to lift a single ounce of it. Lights fleet on his pale face in succession to shadows, making her wonder if this man will ever find a way to combine those two sides of himself that are always at war. 

 

_  Find a way to make peace. _

 

“Come here,” 

 

His hand is raised invitingly and his voice is deep and throbbing.

 

Rey quickly slides on his lap. Slides right at home.

 

It’s the first real contact she’s had with him for the day and she wraps her arms around his neck, buries her face in his thick hair and  _ inhales _ his scent.  _ Stars _ , all she’s wanted to do all day is to hold him.

 

He crushes her to him as if she could disappear without warning.

 

Their lips meet under the fleeting lights of the city, instinctively. Desperately. Filling the monotonous sound of the ship’s whirring engine with that of their kiss.

 

“I’ve been dying to kiss you all day,” he mumbles on her lips, slides his tongue hungrily inside.  Rey feels the longing in his hot mouth and in the bruising grasp of his hands. In his imperceptible grunts and his hard erection rubbing against the side of her thigh.

 

Yes, she knows. Has felt the danger of this need too.

 

The precipice on which they stand can crumble so easily under the weight of their desperation.

 

And Rey is  _ afraid _ . So afraid she'll lose him...

 

Their initial frenzy slows down, falls into a sweet heartache. Ben pulls away. Panting. Setting his forehead on hers and closing his eyes to gather his senses. 

 

“We should stop,” he pleads. Warns. His breath is tangy and sweet on her lips, laced with the spiced refreshment he had had a few minutes before they left. Rey is not certain if he’s referring to this moment, or  _ all  _ of the ones they could have together. “Unless you want me to take you right here and now. I won’t be able to hold back.”

 

But Rey has other plans. He is worn out and discouraged, and she wants to do something to make him feel better. Something she has never tried before.

 

She slides down to her knees between his parted legs.

 

Ben cocks an eyebrow at her. “What are you doing?”

 

She sets her hands on his knees and looks up at him. Licks her lips nervously. 

 

“You’ll see…” 

 

His eyes spark with interest. He’s so good at reading her intents.

 

“Are we being a little daring?”

 

She smirks at him, in what she hopes looks like coyness, and Ben chuckles amused. Yes, perhaps she  _ is _ a little daring tonight, she thinks, as she runs her hands slowly up the muscles of his thighs. Rey is so anxious about what she is about to do, she can feel her fingers tremble. 

 

His dark gaze begins to simmer. 

 

She can feel her heart thud and her mouth go dry when she hesitates over the bulge between his legs. She darts his eyes to his face to decipher his reaction. Ben is watching her fervently with two fingers curled in front of his smirk.

 

She runs her hand over the thick erection hidden under the rich fabric. Ben’s breath hitches. It’s such an imperceptible sound that she would have missed it if she weren't paying such close attention to every single expression on his face. She loves how pliant he seems to be in her hands. At her mercy.

 

When she begins to unfasten his bindings he curls his hands carefully around her wrists, tugging them away.

 

“Your pretty, pink lips have not been trained to take me yet,” he says. “Are you sure you want to continue?”

 

“You’ve done the same for me so many times. I want to make you feel good tonight.”

 

“You don’t have to take my cock in your mouth to make me feel good,” he says softly. “There’s no need for you to do this. Having you in my arms is more than I can ask for.”

 

“It’s not something I feel obliged to do.”

 

Rey has been wanting to take him in her mouth for a lot longer than she is willing to admit.

 

“I do.”

 

He chuckles again, leans in and touches her bottom lip with his thumb. “Believe me I want nothing more than to ravage these lips, kitten…but I don't believe you’re ready.”

 

_ Stars _ , she loves when he gets like that. Her very own monster.

 

There’s always something about him and the way he challenges her that makes her want to reach beyond her limits. Explore territory she never knew existed. Conquer it and make it hers. Rey never realized she owned a possessive bone in her body, and yet here she is. Wanting to own every piece of him.

 

_ Every drop. _

 

“I  _ am  _ ready,” she declares.

 

He falls back against his seat, continues to watch. “Very well, then.”

 

Her movements are inexperienced and a little awkward as she works to release him. But he only strokes her hair and caresses the highbone of her cheek in affection. And patience.

 

When she holds him in her hand and wraps her lips around the silky tip, his grasp on her hair tightens.

 

“Don’t be in a hurry,” he instructs. “Loosen your jaw. That’s it…”

 

He hisses as her canine runs along his length and she blinks up at him in worry. But he only bites his lip and sets his hand under her jaw. Runs his thumb tenderly on her cheek. “There’s always pleasure behind a little pain,” he rumbles. “You’ll see... Go on, now. Take what you can.”

 

And she does. Or at least tries. She can tell her affect on him from the way he holds her head, pushes himself in her mouth. She looks up at him just in time to catch his head falling back on the cushions of his seat in utter abandonment, grunting his pleasure deep in his throat.

 

Rey feels emboldened. 

 

She sucks and laps at him, exploring him with her tongue, until her cunt is as soaking wet as his cock in her mouth. 

 

Until she suddenly feels him thrust at the back of her throat. She gasps for breath and he tugs her away from the roots of her hair.

“Are you alright?” He sounds as breathless as she feels.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she leans in to take him once more but he holds her away. “Why won’t you let me go on?” She pouts. She knows she has no experience in the matter, and she really hopes he’s liked it so far. She’d feel so disappointed if he didn’t. But he continues to hold her away from him.

 

“You don’t like it,” she states, feeling her cheeks heat in embarrassment. Gods she wishes there was a place for her to hide. Of course he wouldn’t like it. He’s had so many...

 

“I  _ love _ it. It’s exactly what I needed.”   

 

“Then why do you want me to stop?”

 

“Because I want to go deeper than you can handle.”

 

_ Oh. _

 

Rey swallows around a parched throat.

 

“Do you want me to show you what I like?” he asks carefully. Testing the dark waters.

 

Rey nods.

 

Ben wraps his hand around her own, tightening her grasp around his length and starts to stroke. She lifts her gaze to his, at the sinful way he looks at her.

 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” She feels so naive at this.

 

But he shakes his head. That strand of black hair falls in his face. “ _ No. _ ”

 

The strokes become shorter, more rapid, and she can feel the tension coiling down low in her belly as if its his own. He looks absolutely ravenous with those parted lips and quickened breath.

 

Rey knows she is doing this to him, taking him apart. 

 

“I want to cum in your mouth.”

 

His brash demand makes her clench around nothingness and all she can do is whisper  _ yes,  _ feeling a little dazed.

 

He gets up on his feet and Rey watches him tower over her, with his fingers still threaded in her hair. He tilts her head back and continues to use her hand to pump himself.

 

“What do you want me to do?” She asks, her voice sounding hoarser than she expected. His pace is punishing and his eyes as dark as midnight. Rey digs her fingers into the muscle of his thighs.

 

“Open your mouth.”

 

Rey does more than that. She swipes her tongue at the swollen head.

 

Ben hisses.

 

“That’s my girl,” he growls, on the brink of losing control. “All decadent and wanton. Are you wet for me, Rey? Do you want me to fuck you and cum inside you when I wreck your body tonight?”

 

“ _ Yes… _ ”

 

She wants him so bad she will finish herself from the mere sound of his voice.

 

She reaches to wrap her mouth around him as he pumps himself rapidly. She moans and that is all it takes for him to tip over the edge. His hips buck and thick spend covers her lips and mouth and trickles down her neck.

 

Rey shudders with his release, chases after his residual spikes of pleasure as if they are her own. His gaze softens and his strokes turn languid, and Rey can't help but feel as unraveled as the man falling apart before her. 

 

It's a strange thing, this connection they share…

 

“Swallow it, my love,” he commands breathlessly,  keeping her head tilted back. “Lick it off your lips and taste it. Good. Very good…” 

 

Rey does as he says, and he watches her hungrily, still flushed from his climax.

 

“Thank you...” he breathes out when she’s licked her lips clean and swallowed him whole. He smiles at her tenderly and wipes the side of her mouth. “I’ll be returning the favor later tonight. Be ready.”

 

Rey rubs her thighs together to alleviate the throb in her center. She doesn’t believe she can wait until  _ later tonight to _ have her own needs  _ taken care of _ . 

 

“I want to finish now,” she states, and dares to look him in the eye as he tucks himself back into his pants.

 

Ben pauses in the middle of fastening his belt and regards her darkly. Has she overstepped? She can’t help but wonder with a little dread. He’s quite unpredictable when his darker side emerges.  Maybe he has plans to take his sweet time playing with her body  _ later  _ and wants to keep her craving.

 

_ Stars _ , she’s definitely not going to make it till then.

 

“ _ Please _ , help me finish. I don’t think I can wait that long…”

 

He looks at her and something comes undone in his gaze. He offers his hand and helps her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her body and kissing her soundly. 

 

_ Tasting himself on her. _

 

And then his hand is down her pants, and his thick fingers dip between her wet folds, exploring and rubbing. _Digging_ deep inside her…

 

“Of course I’ll let you finish,” he croons decadently in her ear. “You were so good to me, taking care of me the way you did.  How could I not?”

 

Her body goes slack in his embrace and her knees buckle.

 

Rey sighs…

 

  
  


 

They reach the estate as the sun’s last rays begin to hide behind the Manarai mountaintop. It’s a peaceful evening, all shy twinkling stars and musky earth and the forest’s settling sounds. Ben falls back due to a discussion with the pilot about a navigational glitch in the ship’s systems while Rey makes her way inside with a light spring in her step. There’s an unknown silver ship stationed at the far end of the landing bay, but Rey is too excited to pay attention to it. Ben had mentioned purchasing a new one, she remembers vaguely.

 

The promises he’d whispered in her ear as she clenched around his fingers have already ignited a fire inside her, and Rey can’t wait for him to make them come true.

 

She walks down the grand entrance hall, setting her saber staff on an ornate table at the center of it, and passes outside the main lounge. The lights are on and a serving droid is on its way out carrying a tray with empty plates and glasses. Rey finds it odd because the staff usually take their meals in the kitchen. There should be no reason for a serving droid to be whirring about in the lounge.

 

Rey halts, feeling the new presence inside it.

 

“You must be Rey.”

 

The female voice that drifts from within is smooth, with an accent around its rim that Rey has grown very familiar with today. She walks inside as if in a trance.

 

A tall woman stands by the large window overlooking the canyon, sipping from a high stem glass. She is dressed in a rust-colored gown and her black hair spills down to her waist in carefully groomed waves. When she finally turns to face her with those burning red eyes, Rey somehow knows that the dream she has been living these past few days has come to its end.

 

“You’re Hannah,” she states flatly.

 

It’s funny how reality catches up so abruptly.

 

The woman approaches her with the hem of her heavy dress whispering against the marble floor. She sets her glass gracefully on a coffee table before she comes to stand a few paces away from Rey.

 

“I should thank you for protecting my fiance and keeping him from harm’s way.” She tilts her head. “He is a difficult man, and not very easy to please. But you haven’t had any trouble getting along with him from what I’ve heard.”

 

Rey raises her chin at the woman, stealing herself for a confrontation long overdue. Hannah is the last person she wanted to come across in the galaxy, but she had never considered shying away from such an encounter when the time came. But Hannah is needling her, and Rey is not yet certain if she wants to play her game.

 

“I don’t know what you’re implying,” she states, attempting to buy some time in order to discern her intentions with the Force.

 

“I am not implying anything. I’m speaking very openly.”

 

_ Yeah, definitely picking for a fight _ .

 

“I’ve known him since I was a child,” she offers simply. “We are comfortable with each other.”

 

“Rumor has it you are more than comfortable with him.”

 

Rey glances away, clenching her jaw. She has to be very careful around this woman. One wrong word and it can be used against Ben.

 

“I never thought the Chiss could fall victim to malicious rumors. Aren’t those beneath you? Or are you planning on relying on these rumors as an excuse for your failing negotiations?”

 

The woman smiles. A very practiced, elegant smile that Rey immediately despises. She’s certain she’s used it too many times to charm her opponents. She is the daughter of an Aristocra, after all. The woman takes another step forward, and the room’s lighting shimmers on her blue skin and raven black hair. Rey hates to admit it, but the woman’s beauty is striking and her posture very imposing. She can see why Ben has picked her to become his wife. 

 

The thought makes her feel  _ sick _ .

 

Rey straightens her back, clasps her hands in front of her and stares at the Chiss stoically. She is determined not to allow this woman to upset her.

 

“The negotiations are  _ failing _ ,” Hannah drawls, “because he doesn’t have his  _ heart _ in the discussions. The High Chancellor is not proving to be a man of his word.”

 

“That is not true.”

 

“I’m afraid it is. You have simply chosen to ignore his faults.”

 

“Ben wants the best for the galaxy. He has fought and given up  _ everything _ to save it. You don’t know him at all!”

 

_ Damn it. _

 

Rey already regrets her outburst. She’s given the woman exactly what she needed to hear. 

 

“Whereas you think you do?” The Chiss chuckles coldly. “No, he has not given up everything. He is still holding on to you. And that will be his downfall as well as the Republic’s.”

 

Hannah steps closer yet, and all pretext of politeness crumbles in the blink of an eye. The two women regard each other with narrowed eyes.

 

“Do you think you  _ love  _ him?” she snarls at Rey. “What would you know about love,  _ Jedi?”  _

 

 

\---------------------

 

 

Ben immediately picks up on the tension in the atmosphere as he strides inside the estate. The raised voices and hostility are so blatant and sharp in the Force, they practically cut into his skin. He hurries down the long hall, with the most foreboding feeling wedged in his chest, only to collide into Rey as he turns a corner to enter the main lounge.

 

It all happens so fast that he barely has time to take in her glassy eyes. She looks so upset that Ben stands completely baffled for a moment wondering if his imagination is playing tricks on him. Everything was fine just moments ago...

 

She pushes by him.

 

“Rey?” He grasps her arm, tugging her back. She looks utterly heartbroken and he’s at a complete loss.

 

“What  _ happened  _ to you? What’s going on?”

 

But she only shakes her head, tries to hide her face from him. “I’m so sorry, Ben... I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.”

 

“ _ What _ ? What are you talking about?” She tries to pull away from him, but he doesn’t let go.

 

“Hannah is right. I should have never allowed anything to happen between us.” 

 

She raises her eyes to his, and Ben feels like the whole damn galaxy is being sucked into a vortex. He finds himself unable to breathe.

 

 “Hannah?” he stammers. No way. This cannot be happening. “Hannah is here?”

 

She tugs on her arm once more, releasing it from his hold and all he can do is stand like an idiot, watching her rush down the hall and up the staircase. His whole body goes numb. All his plans, all his hopes and dreams feel as if they are being swept away by the beige cloak flaring behind Rey.

 

He glances at the entrance of the lounge. Hannah is standing there looking at him emotionless. Fury rises inside him.

 

“What have you  _ done? _ ” he spits. “What have you said to her?”

 

"Exactly what she needed to hear."

 

His nostrils flare and he can feel rage burn in his veins. Ben knows she has twisted reality around to hurt Rey. Hannah is very clever with words.

 

It makes him want to wrap his hand around her slender throat and  _ squeeze _ . The visceral need is so strong he barely contains himself from giving in.

 

"Rey has done nothing to hurt you!" He roars.

 

"She has done enough to hurt the alliance, and you have allowed it." 

 

He grinds his teeth and stalks up to where she stands. Glares straight into her blazing red eyes.

 

"What the fuck are you talking about?” 

 

“You fell in love with her! You have been brazenly galavanting the galaxy with the Jedi at your side!"

 

His jaw goes slack and all color drains from his face. 

 

"Everyone has been talking about the two of you,” she continues. “Everyone knows about the emotions you harbor for her because you were so i _ ncapable _ of hiding them, Ben. And you have shamed me! Shamed me and my house! You will never strike an agreement with my father or the Chiss. You have lost their respect!”

 

Ben stares at the woman baring her teeth at him, unable to process the implications. It all makes sense if he doesn’t dig too deep. His behavior must seem completely disrespectful. But the truth is, the Chiss were aware of his reputation way before he made a wedding proposition to her father in order to cement the upcoming deal between their worlds. It doesn’t make any sense. Rey and him have never shown any kind of affection in public that could be considered brazen. Not even by the Chiss.

 

“Don’t give me this  _ shit _ .”  _ No. Something else is going on. _ “You knew exactly who I was when you agreed to marry me.”

 

“You have gone too  _ far _ .” She seethes, practically nose to nose with him. 

 

“You never  _ cared _ , Hannah. That was the whole deal! I have fucked more women than I can count since I met you, and you never gave a damn. What the  _ hell _ has changed in the meantime?”

 

Hannah stares at him absolutely livid.

 

_ Unless… _

 

His brow furrows. 

 

“You’re afraid I’ll call off the wedding. That you will have to return to your society.”

 

Hannah has always been extremely good at hiding her emotions. Much better than him, he has to admit. But that little spark of fear in the deep red of her gaze is enough to verify his suspicions. 

 

“Why? Why does it matter so much, if I call off the wedding?” he tries to placate. He must find a way to regain her cooperation. “We can always claim it was a mutual decision, and still figure out a way for our worlds to work together. Why is it so important for you to marry me?”

 

But she doesn’t answer him. Instead, she stares long and hard. “We will not back down now, if you want this alliance.” Her voice is as sharp as a blade coming down on his neck. “And I will not tolerate you having a mistress. Especially her. And if she means anything to you, anything at all, you will spare her the humiliation.”

 

Hannah gives him one last cold look, before lifting her dress to walk out of the room. Every chance at finding a logical solution, at figuring out a way to break off the engagement civilly, cordially and manage to broker a deal with the Chiss, has just evaporated into thin air.

 

Ben still does not understand why this wedding means so much to Hannah. All she ever wanted to do is leave her society behind. He could still help her do that, somehow, without marrying her.

 

_ Unless _ …

 

He follows her retreating back with narrowed eyes. They are a proud race. There is no doubt about that. But still… Could he have been so wrong? Had he really known her so little? 

 

But there is no other explanation.

 

“You’re not marrying me for political reasons alone, are you?"

 

She halts. Her back stiffens, as his words resonate with conviction from the marble and glass of his luxurious estate. But Hannah does not turn to look at him.

 

Ben takes a step closer. Fumbling for her thoughts. He wishes he could have been as good in searching minds as he is guarding his own. "What are you hiding from me, Hannah?"

 

But she does not acknowledge his warning.

 

“The wedding is in three days. I suggest you say your goodbyes to your Jedi,” is all she says before she resumes her walk down the long hall and out of the mansion.

 

Ben remains standing in the middle of it all, feeling his whole world come crashing down around him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did Hannah say to Rey? You'll have an idea in the next chapter. Yes, she is a little shadier than expected and the Chiss were aware of the rumors between Ben and Rey, although there was no concrete information about it. Is that enough for failing negotiations? Of course not, Ben is aware of that and sees through their dubious games. The Chiss want what they always have wanted. Power and independency. But they are using his 'affair' as a stepping stone. Especially now that the Republic is desperate for allies.
> 
> Also, I am really excited to announce a new story that I have co-written with reylotrashpiler (Hosnianprime). It's called Rubicon https://archiveofourown.org/works/21228344/chapters/50541143 and it's a President Rey and Secret Service Agent Kylo Ren Bodyguard AU. Check it out and tell me what you think! For those of you who already have, thank you for supporting and reading!!!


	30. Broken dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My gratitude and respects to MyJediLife for taking the time to beta even when life gets overwhelming. You're something else, girl...
> 
> And I'm sorry about this... I am so sorry...

 

He finds Rey sitting on the floor by the balcony doors, knees drawn to herself and head resting back against the wooden panel. She has her gaze set on some distant, unreachable spot way beyond the mountains, and streaks of tears are glistening on her cheeks. She looks small. Empty and alone.

 

"You should have told me the truth," Rey says, sensing him hovering at the entrance of her room. "About you and her."

 

Ben hesitates, wondering if it’s a curse or fate to always have love just out of reach. He sighs and rubs his eyes. _Force_ , he is so sick and tired of his life.

 

“There was not much to say…”

 

“She caught me by surprise. I would have been able to deal with her better if I had known the truth. My reaction just verified the rumors and gave her the leverage she was seeking against us," she continues in a hoarse voice, wiping her cheeks and nose on her sleeve like the savage girl that she is. Something clenches inside him. Her sobs must have really wrecked her body.

 

“Do you really want to know?”

 

“Yes…” 

 

Ben sighs. He would like to laugh at how the past comes back to mock him at the worst possible moments.

 

“It was meaningless sex, the night I met her.” His voice comes out oddly steady, despite the lump in his throat. “We were drunk, and I was high on spice. It meant nothing. To either of us.”

 

“That’s not what she made it sound like…” 

 

She looks so frail, it drives him nearly mad trying to stay away. What has that woman _said_ to her? 

 

“If she has any deeper feelings about it, I wasn’t aware.”

 

Ben curls his fists, restraining himself from rushing over and crushing her in his arms. He wants to beg for her to believe him. To forgive him. But she probably doesn’t even want to be touched. And why would she? All he’s done till now is hurt her. It would be for the best to let her stay mad at him. But, he is a selfish and greedy creature and cannot let go.

 

He knew he should have never laid a finger on her. Touched a single strand of her hair. 

 

_He had no right…_

 

“Hannah has been nothing more than a... friend to me,” Ben wants to bite his tongue off at the mere mention of that word. Rey slides a scathing glare his direction, and Ben knows he’d be a pile of ash if looks could burn. He rakes his hand through his hair and hurries to salvage what he can. “I mean an _actual_ friend. We shared a vision for our worlds, and believed an alliance would be the best strategy against the First Order. She agreed to help me form one with her people, if I helped her get away from her conservative society. That was our deal at the time. There was nothing more between me and her. Not from my side, at least.” 

 

He approaches her slowly, setting one foot in front of the other under the dim lighting of her room, afraid that one wrong word will have her fleeing from him. 

 

“I was never attracted to Hannah and never felt that she was attracted to me, either. I don’t know what game she’s playing…”

 

“Well, whatever game she’s playing, she’s definitely the one in control.” Rey bites her lip, and looks out the window again. "You should have _told_ me."

 

"It was not your concern!” _Shit._ Ben rakes his hair again in frustration. His negotiating skills are completely evading him at the moment. This whole damn day, come to think of it. And if he continues at this rate, Rey will abandon him and disappear from his life so fast that he will be left behind cursing the day that he was born. “At the beginning, when you returned to my life, I believed it didn't matter. That it wasn’t information you needed to know. But then…" Ben struggles with the words. Struggles to come up with an excuse where there is none. "Then I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I was too afraid of what you would think of me. Of how you would react..."

 

Rey presses her lips tightly and turns her slim hands into fists.

 

He’s losing her. He knows he is losing her over the smallest, simplest lie. An omission really. And there is nothing he can do to take anything back.

 

"Would it have changed anything? Between you and me? Would  you have _left_ me if I had told you the truth?" His voice cracks at the last question. How could it not? At this point how can anything stay intact? “Will you leave me _now_?”

 

"I don't _know._ "

 

"Yes, you do. You know…" 

 

His heart is thumping so wildly in his ribcage it feels like it will break through. It’s all or nothing at this point.

 

“I should have _left_ you. I should have left you a long time ago.”

 

“But you didn’t. You stayed to watch me fuck up, more times than we can count.” 

 

“You certainly have.” She snorts at his admission, and he dares to approach her even closer. Always so carefully, as if she can slip through his fingers and fly away.

 

“Then why didn’t you, Rey? Why didn’t you leave me? You had plenty of chances.”

 

“You _know_ why I couldn’t leave you.” 

 

“You’ll have to say it this time, baby girl.”

 

“Don’t _call_ me that."

 

Oh, but he knows. He knows how much she loves being called that. “Tell me why you haven’t _left_ me, Rey."

 

“I _will_ leave you if you keep pressuring me like that, you monster!” She grits at him.

 

Yes, he _is_ her monster. But he is so much more now… He comes to tower over her, to corner her, with his insides twisted into a throbbing mess. 

 

“You’ll come right back,” he concedes. “I know you will.”

 

She glares at him with tears in her eyes. And Ben knows. He knows he will risk everything they have ever had, just to hear her say those three words. He is that desperate and _lovesick._

 

"Tell me, _Rey._ ”

 

"No."

 

"Say that you love me, _damn_ it!" _Fuck_ , she is so stubborn!

 

"I said _no!"_

 

“The wedding is in three days. We are running out of time! How much longer are you planning to wait!" 

 

He holds his breath. Prays. _Maker help him_ , he won’t be able to survive.

 

She stares at him with those glistening hazel eyes, all flushed cheeks and trembling lips. Rain patters on the window behind her and thunder rumbles over the sleeping mountaintops. Ben swears he can hear their hearts break. 

 

 “I love you... I can never leave you..." she whispers to him at last.

 

He falls to his knees. Crawls to where she sits.

 

"Then don't! You don't have to. Because I am leaving with _you_!" He has definitely lost his fucking mind. "I have already sent Holdo all my codes and given out last instructions on the Chiss negotiations. My ship is already being prepped for our journey and I’m waiting for credits to be transferred to one of my off-shore accounts before we can depart."

 

She stares at him with wide eyes. "Ben, what are you talking about?”

 

"All we need to do is pick a planet."

 

"A planet?" She scrunches her brow. "Ben, I don’t underst…"

 

"Bespar. We could go to Bespar,” he grabs her hands. “I’ve heard it has a moderate climate like Chandrila. Or Naboo! How does that sound? My grandmother was from there, and…"

 

"Have you lost your mind?"

 

_Yes, but she doesn't need to know about that._

 

"Just my heart..." His attempt at humor is so pathetic, it actually gets an amused snort from her amidst her sniffles.

 

"You're crazy. You do know that, right?"

 

"You've mentioned it before, yes."

 

She chuckles weakly, wiping her nose on that snotty sleeve again, and her laugh sounds like bells are ringing in heaven. He cups her cheeks, gently, too afraid he’ll break her if he’s not careful enough.

 

“Rey, let’s leave together. Put everything behind us. Live a life that we have only dreamt about…” He knows he would die for her. He would literally rip his worthless heart out and give it to her, if she asked. 

 

Ben would do _anything_ for her. Anything at all.

 

But she sniffs and streaks of tears start lining her cheeks again before rolling over his hands and fingers and dripping on the floor. She gives him her brightest smile with the saddest eyes. 

 

"I can't do that to you," she whispers. "Run away with you. The alliance would crumble, the guilt would destroy you, and I love you too much to see you suffer like that."

 

His heart stops.

 

_No._

 

“Rey, _no_.” He wipes her tears away, forces her to keep looking at him. “I don’t care about any of it anymore!”

 

She wraps her fingers around his wrists and rubs them soothingly, looking at him in a way that…

 

“ _No_ ,” he snaps, pulling away from her suddenly. He runs his hand through his hair, trying to gather his thoughts. She’s not being rational at the moment. She doesn’t understand that there simply is _no other way_.

 

“Ben.”

 

“I can’t marry Hannah.”

 

“You said so yourself, there is no other choice.”

 

“The _hell_ there isn’t.” 

 

Ben gets off the floor and starts pacing the room. This is absurd. He never expected Rey to turn down his proposal. Everything was so carefully thought out and planned. Why can’t she see that he would rip the universe into shreds if he could only find a way to be with her? 

 

But she is rejecting him. He is sacrificing everything he has ever built, and everything he has ever fought for her, and she is _rejecting_ him.

 

He never thought she could be so cruel.

 

“How can you want me to marry Hannah?” he snarls at her, halting in the middle of the room and tossing out his hand. “You just said you love me. What kind of a woman says _I love you_ to a man and then urges them to marry another woman? Fuck this!”

 

Rey doesn’t love him. She doesn’t even…

 

He turns around, nearly tripping over a coffee table in the middle of the room. He slams his hand on it, grips it and hurls it to the side with a roar. A sickening crash resonates, but all he can hear is the buzzing in his ears and the thudding of his heart.

 

_Fuck this._

 

He is heaving, breathless, and his chest hurts. Another roar breaks loose, but does nothing to make the pain go away. Nothing can make that pain go away. He rubs his face and bites his lip, tasting blood.

 

_There must be some way..._

 

He feels a light touch on his shoulder, and then a pair of slender arms are wrapping around him, and his chest hurts so much he thinks it will cave in on itself.

 

“Ben, I know…” she tries to soothe the storm inside him, but her own voice sounds just as haunted. Her head comes to rest between his shoulder blades. “But if you break off the wedding now, the negotiations will fail, the Chiss will support the First Order - and trillions will die. We have no choice, sweetheart...”

 

A sob breaks through his chest, shattering his dreams.

  
  
  
  
  


He doesn’t know how long she holds him together, with her body pressed to his and her arms wrapped like vices around his chest. But when the fury dissipates and his mind starts to clear, everything starts falling into its dreadful place.

 

Rey and him never stood a chance. He had known that from the very beginning.

 

The storm outside has subsided as well, he notices as he stares out the windows. The howling wind is gone, and the tree branches are no longer whipping against the glass. But it’s still raining. And it feels like it will never stop.

 

She senses his shifting emotions and loosens her hold on him, walking around to tenderly caress his hair out of his face. Ben knows that their time is running out. And he needs to do what is right by her.

 

_For once._

 

"You can't stay with me..." he mumbles in her hair as he holds her tight.

 

He has to tell her. He has to tell her now. Ben doesn't believe he'll have the courage to do so again. 

 

She lifts her head to look at him. Her eyes are so red and swollen he’s afraid he'll never see them smile again.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

He holds her gaze, drinks in every last freckle of her face and tries to memorize the curl of her lips. How will he let go?

 

"You deserve better than being my lover in some lawless affair. You can’t stay on Coruscant once I marry Hannah. You will be miserable.”

 

“I’ll be miserable either way, so…”

 

“Rey.” He wants to laugh at their bitter fate. “ _Don’t_.”

 

Letting her go will be practically impossible. He doubts he will have the strength to do it when the moment comes. But he has to let her know that she is free. That she shouldn’t look back.

 

“You have so much to discover, and a whole life to live. I have no right to keep you. I never did.”

 

"I’m not leaving you," she argues.

 

Ben caresses a strand of hair from her beautiful face and sets it carefully behind her ear. "Yes, you are. Some wise Jedi once said that if you love someone, you shouldn't make them suffer. I’ve decided to follow her advice," he says softly. 

 

“I’m no wise Jedi.” 

 

“I’m still following your advice.”

 

Her lip starts to tremble.

 

"Hush, my angel…" he sets her head onto his chest again. Over his throbbing heart. "There's no need for you to cry. I will always be with you. Just a thought away." He runs his hand over her hair and kisses her forehead. He feels a sob wreck her body once again, and he swallows his own. "And you never know. We might see each other again…"

 

He has to believe he’ll see her again. He doesn’t know how he will go on without her.

 

“Luke wants me to join his mission.”

 

Ben shuts his eyes and tightens his hold on her. This is his worst nightmare coming to life. 

 

"Rey, please don't join Luke's mission…" he pleads into her hair. "You'll get yourself _killed_.” 

 

“He believes I’m ready.”

 

Of course he would. He did send her to protect him after all, nearly getting her killed in the process by the dark Knights. He can’t even imagine what the Jedi will be up against when they infiltrate the Supremacy to kill Snoke.

 

“A war is approaching, and I’m sure you can be of service elsewhere. Please, try to stay safe… Don’t go on that mission.”

 

He kisses her temple, wishing he could find a way to stop her. But his girl is a stubborn creature with no sense of self preservation whatsoever. She chose to love _him,_ after all.

 

“I’ll go where I’m needed,” she whispers to him, and Ben knows that this is it. He will never set eyes on her again. He holds her tight and sighs into her hair. 

 

“If something happens to you, I’ll feel it...” he whispers in her hair, unable to trust his voice. Ben senses this, somehow, down to his very bones. “And how will I ever live in this galaxy knowing that you are gone?”

 

But his girl only smiles up at him with those beautiful eyes and says, “No one is ever really gone.”

 

_Maker, he wishes he could believe that._

 

He stays awake that night, staring at the ornate ceiling and the shadows being cast on it. His arms are wrapped around Rey, their naked bodies tangled in the sheets and blankets of their bed, as he listens to her light breathing. There, in the stillness of it all, Ben can’t help but recount all the moments he’s had with her. Every single one of them. He collects them, one by one, and stores them somewhere deep and safe. In a place he can always turn to in his moments of weakness, when the world is too big, and the responsibilities too heavy, and the loneliness so crippling that he will feel like there is no reason for him to go on. 

 

He will find her there. 

 

_He always had._

 

But now… Now it’s time to own up to his mistakes. And perhaps find a bit of absolution. He has been reckless with her and he needs to fix this. If she decides to fight next to Luke, he can’t have her jeopardize her life because of him. Because of a pregnancy that they could have avoided. He has to give her the choice now before it’s too late.

 

Before she is with child and refuses to give up on it. 

 

 _Their child._ Or any other man's that might come after him.

 

Ben rubs his stinging eyes in the night. Cries silently over their broken dreams.

  
  


\--------------------

  
  


Rey does not understand why he is so concerned over a possible pregnancy. She knows which days in her monthly cycle are most probable to conceive a child, and the past few days she has been with him were not dangerous. She’s not _that_ stupid.

 

But he had been so adamant about contraception this morning, when she woke to find him sitting on a chair next to their bed, with eyes bloodshot and looking as if he hadn’t slept in a decade. She asked him if it were the nightmares that had returned to keep him awake, but he had only chuckled bitterly to himself, rubbed his eyes and declared a heartbreaking _no._

 

Rey walks beside him in the pristine white corridors of the hospital with a heavy heart. His dark circles are back, and the melancholy that had disappeared these past few days is wrapped around him again, as black and heavy as his Governor’s robes.

 

The Chiss delegation is probably already at the Government building waiting for the High Chancellor’s arrival, in order for the second day of talks and negotiations to begin. But Ben has decided to make a stop at Coruscant’s Central Hospital for an urgent visit. 

 

She steals a glance in his direction, only to catch him looking back. 

 

He must sense how concerned she feels for him, because he squeezes her hand in some form of unspoken understanding, and  does not let go of it until they reach a pair of white doors, which open automatically at their presence.

 

They enter a medical bay, spotless and white, with a sterile smell that makes her skin crawl. 

 

“High Chancellor, welcome,” a doctor greets them. “My lady...Please forgive the accommodations. It was impossible to receive you in a  private office on such late notice. If you wish to wait, perhaps I could arrange... ”

 

Ben raises his gloved hand to silence him. “It won’t be necessary, doctor. Our visit will be quick. Have you prepared what I asked for?”

 

“Of course, Sir,” he signals at a medical droid to approach with a tray containing two injecting devices.

 

“Good, now leave us.”

 

“Perhaps it would be best if I remained to help out in…”

 

“It won’t be necessary,” Ben cuts him off. 

 

The man bows under the heavy gaze. “As you wish, High Chancellor. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

 

The doctor departs, leaving the two of them alone in the cold white room. Rey sits on one of the examination beds while Ben pulls a stool to sit in front of her. He takes off his gloves and sets them on the bed next to Rey. She can sense he is buying time as he picks up one of the devices and fidgets with it for a while before he clears his throat.

 

He is so wrecked it makes her hurt.

 

Rey lifts her sleeve before he says anything to her. “It’s alright... I understand why we’re doing this.”

 

But he takes her hand in his, threading their fingers together and fiddling with their tips. It takes him a few moments to lift his gaze to hers. Stars, he looks so sad. “If times were different… If I wasn’t…” He clears his throat once more. “We wouldn’t be here. I would take care of you if you were pregnant. I would be a father to our child. None of this would be…”

 

“Shh…” she sets a finger to his lips gently to silence him. She knows. She knows they are left with no choices. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. Just go ahead and do it.”

 

Ben nods and proceeds to inject her with the first device. It stings lightly as it pierces her skin, but it’s gone the moment he sets it down with a clank on the metal table next to them. When he takes the second device in his hands he seems to be even more nervous. He twirls it a couple of times in his hands before he offers it to her to inspect it.

 

“This,” he begins, sounding very strained, "will inject you with a contraceptive chip. So in case you ever become… intimate with someone, you won’t have to worry about… you know.” He shrugs awkwardly under Rey’s intense stare.

 

“ _What_ ?” she snaps, appalled. “Why would I ever need this chip? Ben, _no._ ” 

 

What he is implying is simply ridiculous!

 

Rey can’t imagine being with another man, or harboring any kind of emotions anywhere close to how she feels for Ben, who sits before her looking so damaged and broken beyond repair. This gesture is so pointless and borderline offensive that Rey just wants to throw the device across the room, shatter a few duraglass windows along the way, and have it smashed against the surface of the building across - where it belongs.

 

“I don’t need it!”

 

“Rey, don’t be in such a hurry to turn it down.”

 

“I said no!”

 

She attempts to stand up, but he holds her gently by the arm. Looks at her with such a soft expression it makes her want to scream at him. She can’t bear to look at him.

 

“It doesn’t mean anything,” he attempts to soothe her. “It’s a simple precaution. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. I am the last person who would want you to have any relationship with another man, but if it happens, I’d like for you to at least be prepared until you are ready for bigger decisions in your life.”

 

“Ben, I don’t want another man in my life….”

 

He is being stubborn and oddly caring about a horrible situation such as this. It is so out of character for him, and she briefly wonders if the lack of sleep has been messing with his judgement. The negotiations are bound to fail today, she is certain of it.

 

But he lifts his hand to caress her face, with the pad of his thumb rubbing those little circles on her cheek that always leave her in a mess of emotions. He tries to say something to her, but in the end he just presses his lips together tightly and looks down. His Adam’s apple bobs lightly before he continues in a near whisper..

 

“You deserve so much more than I can offer you. I want you to be happy.”

 

And the moment hits her.

 

It just hits her out of nowhere.

 

It might just be because of the contrasts. His black figure against the harsh white walls of the medical bay, his sad, dark eyes against the light smirk that he gives her. Or just his warm hand grasping her own cold one. Rey doesn’t quite know what causes this fear that suddenly takes over.

 

But she realizes that she might not see him again.

 

That this sterile moment between them is an unconventional farewell, and she is only days away from parting ways with him. Perhaps forever.

 

“I don’t want another man,” she whispers to him. “I’ve only ever wanted _you_.”

 

He doesn't say anything more.

 

Ben injects her with the chip and lifts those dark eyes to look at her. Her words still linger in the space between them, when he leans over to kiss her, with lips soft and salty from his tears.

 

Rey cracks at the touch, fearing she might never taste them again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love is not always about sacrificing ourselves for the ones we love. Sometimes it's simply choosing what is best for them.
> 
> Music selection for this chapter "Run" by Snow Patrol. But for some reason "Don't you cry "by Guns and Roses also crept up on me. I'll leave it up to you.


	31. Wordly vows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Halo" by Lotte Kestner ( I prefer this version for the chapter)
> 
> My eternal gratitude to my beta MyJediLife for many many reasons.

  
  


Rey stands in front of her mirror, braiding her hair into a bun at the back of her head. Her fingers are trembling lightly, and she curses under her breath with each pin she drops and loses on the thick carpet. She has already counted six, and frustration is building up inside her.

 

_ But she is a Jedi _

 

_ It is forbidden to let emotions consume her. _

 

Her hands fall to her sides and she stares at her reflection, trying to regain her cool. She stares at her stony face, at the sleepless eyes and the tight press of her lips. Rey can barely recognize herself. Perhaps because it’s winter, and the sun has barely touched her complexion in months. Or perhaps it’s just the dark Jedi outfit she has chosen to wear for this day, that makes her look practically white.

 

Whichever it is, it doesn’t matter. Because this is a day she wishes had never dawned.

 

She sets a pin between her lips. Resumes the braiding of her hair.

 

“Do you need any help?”

 

His deep voice startles her, breaking her concentration. Another pin drops to the floor without a sound. The seventh one - the number of days she has been sleeping with him.

 

“No, I can manage,” she answers back, flatly. Not that she can hide her emotions from him. 

 

She senses him cross the room and approach her. The ruffle of stiff fabric and the muffled heavy footsteps on the carpet betray him. Rey looks down, avoiding his gaze when he comes to stand behind her. His warmth instantly caresses the fine hair of her exposed skin, and his heavy presence in the Force envelopes her. She wants to lean against his solid chest, rest her thoughts and rampant emotions. 

 

She doesn't know how she will make it through this day.

 

His thick fingers thread with hers in the back of her head, taking over the weaving of her hair. “Let me help you,” he says softly. His breath fans on her skin and her body comes alive at his touch. His eyes find hers in the mirror. Rey wants to sob, so she looks away.

 

“I forgot you’re from Alderaan,” she says, but her voice cracks this time. She feels him pause, perhaps even sigh. “Did your mother teach you?”

 

He chuckles, but his heart is not in it. She can tell by the sound. “She did.”

 

She nods and steals a glance at him. At his perfectly styled hair and stony face. At his expensive, black suit, the polished insignia and badges of his status pinned on his broad chest. 

 

_ One of the galaxy’s most powerful and influential men. _

 

Everything speaks of the cold, detached, impeccable man she had met a few months ago. Everything but the soft sadness in his eyes when he meets her gaze in the mirror. Tears should have been streaming down her face by now. But not one has appeared. 

 

“Isn’t it part of a ceremony or tradition? The braiding of hair in your culture?” She can’t quite remember…

 

He hesitates for a heartbeat. Looks at her almost guiltily before he resumes the braiding. “Yes.”

 

There’s a crease of concentration between his eyebrows. 

 

“Well, aren’t you going to tell me?”

 

“Hand me a pin.” 

 

Rey lifts one for him to take and his fingers caress hers lightly. He sets it carefully into the woven hair, before resuming the braiding. Rey waits patiently. 

 

“Your mother did a great job teaching you,” she comments to break the silence. Anything to break this oppressive silence. But he only smiles at her and asks for one more. “Did your father also learn how to do it?”

 

Ben snorts, derisively. “No. I’m the one who used to help her. And ThreePio once in a while.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Conversation comes so hard today. But yet there are things she still wants to know about him. Even at the last minute. She has to complete this picture of him today as perfectly and diligently as she can. There’s barely any more time.

 

She watches his dark eyes follow the movement of his fingers, watches the soft blink of his lashes and the slight flare of his nostrils as he concentrates on his task. There’s a gentleness about it, an intimacy almost at the reverent touch of her hair. It causes a sweet ache to spread in her chest. A longing for the man she can never have.  

 

Rey wants to sob. But her tears have dried up.

 

“Why are you braiding my hair, Ben? What does it mean?” she whispers to him.

 

Ben sets the last pin on her hair and meets her gaze in the mirror. His expression is guarded, like her own. But his eyes…

 

_ His eyes… _

 

He puts his hands on her shoulders, cups them tenderly as he brings his face next to hers.  His musk and fresh, clean scent envelopes her. “It means nothing more than you want it to mean. Ceremonies and worldly vows hold no true power.”

 

She turns her head to look at him. To decipher the meaning behind his words. And Ben holds her gaze steadily, lets her read what she desperately searches for in his mind.

 

"It isn't meant to be," she whispers in the small space between their lips. "There's no room for those thoughts anymore, Ben."

 

"I know…" He sighs, roaming her face with his gaze. "But a man can hold on to a broken dream."

 

“A broken dream?” She tries to smile at him playfully, when, in fact, he is only breaking her heart.  “When did you become so poetic?” 

 

He nuzzles her cheek with the tip of his nose.

 

“I was always poetic. You just never noticed…” He says, caressing her lips with his own. Rey leans into his warm breath and soft kiss, filing one more of his odd traits in her heart.

 

Gods only know how many there are.

 

But Ben ignores the storm in her mind and captures her lips eagerly. He moans his affection in her mouth as she threads her fingers in his hair. Just one last touch, she tells herself, one last kiss to fill the void that awaits her. But it’s all so familiar and painful. The way his tongue meets her own, and his hands grasp her waist and his breath caresses her face. It all hurts so much, and she wants the pain to go away. 

 

Rey wants to sob. But her body doesn’t know how anymore.

 

He picks her up in his arms without breaking their kiss - it all escalates so fast between them these days - and next thing she knows he is carrying her to their bed. There is no room for second thoughts or reservations.

 

“This is probably not a very good idea,” she whimpers in his mouth.

 

“It’s an excellent idea,” he murmurs as he lays her down, suckling a path down her neck.

 

“Your stylist is going to throw a fit if we mess anything up,” she chides. She has to hold on to logic and reality, keep their instincts at bay, but  _ stars _ his lips on her neck drive her wild. He hums in contentment. ”Ben..are you even listening to me?”

 

“Of course I am,” his voice comes out muffled.

 

“Then what do you think you’re you doing?” 

 

He pauses with one of her black boots already in hand, and looks at her with an almost puzzled expression. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

 

She should scold him, slap him too - because he probably deserves it, but instead a giggle escapes her and she clamps it down with her hand.  _ This man. _ ..“You are insane!”

 

“I think we have established that,” he smiles at her impishly for a heartbeat or two, but then both their smiles falter and gradually fall. They are left staring at each other. Staring at the last moments remaining in each other’s presence. 

 

He slowly removes her other boot and sets his knee between her legs to crawl up the bed. The mattress dips under his weight as he comes to loom over her. His hair falls like a dark halo around his face..

 

“One last time,” he whispers, setting his forehead to hers. “Let me have you one last time…”

 

Rey nods. At this point what else is there to say? She pulls him down by the lapels of his wedding suit.

 

Ben removes the stiff jacket as their lips strain to remain together. They are a mess of hasty fingers and hungry lips as Rey works to undo the buckle and fastenings of his pants, while he tugs off her black leggings and underpants. He braces himself over her and tugs her shirt open. Her back arches and eyes shut in anticipation, as she slips her hands inside the opening of his collar to feel his skin. She can’t have enough of him. She can  _ never _ have enough of him. He sighs on her neck, slides his lips down its curve to the swell of her breast. Her nipple pebbles instantly when he takes it in his mouth.

 

“Say that you’re mine,” she whimpers in his hair, tugging on his thick strands. 

 

He groans around a mouthful of her breast. Rey digs her nails into his skin, wishing she could trail them down the scratches she has already left on him. Part of her wants that  _ woman _ to discover their existence. To know that he has already been claimed, body, heart and soul by her, and that no wordly vows can ever take that back. “Say that you will always be mine…”

 

He lifts his head to look at her. But instead of an answer he sets her left thigh over his shoulder and slides his fingers inside her, spreading the slickness between her folds. Rey clenches around them.

 

"I’ll always be yours." He mumbles, trailing kisses over the bruises he’s left on her thighs. “And you…” he pauses and moves up her body, with her knee still hooked over his shoulder. His dark gaze bores down on her, making her squirm under the intensity. He removes his fingers with a sudden wet sound, and Rey nearly whimpers at the loss. But then he is sinking himself inside her, inch by inch, stretching her and filling her so torturously slow that Rey feels her heart will spill over. Her eyes fall shut and she rises her body to meet his.

 

“And you...,” he finally breathes when he can't go any deeper. He drags  himself out and thrusts back in, jolting her on the soft bedspread. “Don't ever forget that."

 

Rey snaps her attention to him. To those eyes now shadowed with doubt.

 

There’s fear rimming his words, she realizes as his next thrust comes even rougher and his pace builds up. Ben wants her to remember him. He wants her to remember this moment for more than a simple promise between lovers. It’s his unspoken way of asking her to always belong to him as well.

 

“I will never forget you…” she whispers back, cupping his face and holding his gaze.  “How could I ever forget you?”

 

His grasp on her tenses, and he looks practically starved when he molds his lips to hers once again. Their joined bodies move  in desperation. They writhe and grind together, in sacred whispers and sinful moans, chasing their last moments as if the whole world is about to come tumbling down around them. And when it does, when they are left staring at each other in a panting tangle of limbs, they have the inescapable knowledge that their time together has now come to an end.

 

“Promise you’ll wait for me after the ceremony,” he says, searching her eyes anxiously. “I can’t have you leave me without saying goodbye.”

 

She doesn't know how she will be able to say another goodbye to him. The first one had haunted her all her life.

 

“I promise you…” she says, holding on to his gaze.

 

Rey wants to sob. But he drowns it with a kiss.

  
  
  


It all feels surreal.

 

The Jedi Temple and its cavernous size, the echoes of voices from the gathered crowd, the sunlight glinting through the stained glass. The burnt incense. The winter drafts. The colorful, elegant clothes and plain beige cloaks, the stylish hats, and keen eyes and curious looks and solemn stares.

 

His family and friends. His opponents. 

 

And amongst them all the Chiss and their burning gaze, representatives of the frail alliance he has gained in exchange for his life. He has bought their ships and temporary friendship to fight for the Republic, but nothing more solid than that. Hannah has pacified the rumors. Her father has given his word. She hopes it will be enough.

 

_ She prays it will be enough… _

 

Ben shifts his eyes to her, and Rey hopes no one sees.  But at this point why would it even matter? He is at the altar, his soon to be wife is about to appear through the tall, heavy doors of the Temple. There is no harm holding on to that gaze for just a little longer, is there? Holding on to the imposing image of him solemn and tall, and molding it with the nights his warm naked body was draped over hers. What harm could that do? 

 

Rey still feels his spend dampening her underclothes, his scent lingering on her skin. She holds on to that gaze, carves it into one more memory. 

 

A sudden noise resonates in the Temple, the voices die down and everyone shifts their attention to the grand doors. 

 

All except for his. Ben is still looking at her, and his eyes are now turning molten. 

 

Rey can no longer breathe…

 

It’s all surreal.

 

The way the High Priest sets the woman’s hand into Ben’s, and ties them together with a strand, the way he meets Hannah’s eyes under the shimmering light, the way the solemn vows resonate within the ancient walls. The way his hand trembles when he slides the ring on the woman’s finger.

 

Rey watches it all with an impassive face and a maelstrom in her heart. 

 

She stands rigid in his shadow, his most loyal protector, fighting the cruelest battle ever with none other than her own self. 

 

It all feels like a lie. Like a twisted dream that she is forced to watch chained down to a numb, immobile body. A body she does not recognize. A body that is not hers.

 

She closes her eyes momentarily, pleading for a moment of peace. A moment where she can shut down all her senses and drift to a place far away, where serenity and Light can carry her burden. But her heart is heavy as a stone, and gets dragged down to the ground. She is forced to hear every waiver of his deep voice and feel every throb of his pain in the Force. 

 

It’s tearing her apart.

 

All she wants to do is be free of this pain. To give in to this strange voice within her that speaks of numbness and apathy, of shutting down emotions and not having a care in the world. Of forgetting and burying the pain and turning her heart into  _ steel _ .

 

Rey clenches her jaw.

 

It angers her to think about how vulnerable she has allowed herself to become. How much she has given up just to be at his side. How low and contemptible and shameless her behavior has been. And all because of.. _. _

 

_ Yes… _

 

The whispers say.

 

_ He has been your undoing... _

 

They feel like tendrils of smoke, these sassurations. Eerie and enchanting, carrying a shade of oblivion in their venom. It’s so easy to just  _ give in _ . Allow their poison to run through her veins, burning and incinerating every memory of him. Turning him into ash.

 

Rey’s heart drums painfully in her chest, throbbing in her ears and stifling her throat. Would it feel good to have this pain go away? 

 

_ To be set free... _

 

Could she really do it? Give in to the whispers and the promises they hold?

 

A shiver runs down her spine. Rey’s eyes snap open.  

 

There’s a thin ray of light falling on Ben from one of the tall windows. It trembles and shimmers, illuminating part of his face and fading in the blackness of his hair. He looks frail under it. Melancholy and alone. 

 

His eyes dart to hers, as if he's reading her thoughts. As if he's sensing the war raging inside her.

 

Shame floods her instantly, along with disappointment in herself at the thought that she would be willing to blame him for all that has happened between them. To wash her hands clean and forget it all. Forget  _ him _ .

 

Rey takes in a deep, shuddering inhale and pushes the whispers away with renewed strength.  _ No.  _ She screams into the Force. She loves him. She will always love him. 

 

_ It is beyond her powers. _

 

Cheers and applause burst within the Grand Temple, and Rey has to blink as if coming out of a trance. They echo and bounce off the walls and reverberate in her chest. Ben has leaned in to set a kiss on the side of the woman’s mouth.

 

The wedding ceremony is complete. The deed is done.

 

Rey blinks away the tears welling in her eyes.

 

She catches him glancing in her direction when he turns to descend the few steps in front of the altar with his wife’s hand wrapped around the crook of his elbow. But Rey looks away. She no longer has rights to him.

 

The High Chancellor of the Republic and Governor to Coruscant, the fierce, passionate man she loves, and her cherished childhood friend  - her Ben - will no longer belong to her. Because from this day forth he will belong to the woman standing next to him. The woman who will help seal peace in this galaxy.

 

_ He had told her so.  _

 

_ He had no choice.  _

  
  
  


“Do you wish to say goodbye to him?”

 

Luke’s graveled voice pulls her away from her thoughts. Her Master has come to stand next to her, eerily discreet as always, and hidden under the hood of his beige cloak. Rey is leaning against the bark of a tree, watching Ben, his new wife at his side as they weave between their guests with a flute of champagne in their hands, chatting casually and smiling politely. The reception and dinner are well under way in this luxurious roof garden in the middle of Coruscant, a small haven of greenery amidst all the soaring buildings of metal and twinkling lights. The planet’s large moon shines on the night horizon, a bright companion in her darkest moment.

 

“Have all the arrests been made?” she asks, taking a sip from her own glass of plain water. Better start getting used to the Jedi’s austere ways once again. “There were barely any interruptions.”

 

Luke chuckles heartily. Rey would have joined once, but not these days.

 

“We have discreetly helped with the arrests of five guests, trying to keep things quiet,” he informs her. “They were all included in the list of names you gave to the authorities, but we have stumbled across a few more during our...searching. We’ll be looking for them as well.”

 

Rey smiles at that.  _ Searching  _ is Luke’s term for invading a person’s mind against their will. He has never been fond of that method, but he doesn’t hesitate to use it when in need. Rey comes to realize, as she stands next to him, that her Master’s ways have not been as  _ pure _ as she once thought.

 

She can see it now.

 

The Darkness that spikes at the edges of his presence. But, he easily reigns it in and controls it. She had never noticed until now.

 

“Who will be protecting Ben?”

 

She can feel his bright blue gaze on her, probing her mind, as calmly as if he were caressing the top of her head in affection.

 

“Khol.”

 

“Isn’t he a bit young? He’s barely a Knight.”

 

“There’s no need for a more experienced Jedi. Snoke’s interests have shifted. But Nyxx and a few others will stay with him for the night,” he offers casually. “Just in case.”

 

Rey nods, feeling her throat constrict. She searches for Ben in the crowd in order to catch one last glimpse. One last brush against his mind. She thinks she spots him amidst the Chiss delegates - but it’s hard to tell. Her eyes have misted over.

 

“Will you say goodbye to him?” Luke repeats.

 

But Rey can’t do it. Because if she does, it will feel as if she will never set eyes on him again, and she needs to hope that she will. That life will allow them to cross paths once more. Deep down she knows it will never happen, but for now she needs to hold on to at least that. Hope.

 

“No,” she whispers back, drinking in this very last image of Ben chuckling politely at an ambassador, but seeming extremely impatient. “I won’t.”

 

Luke sighs, imperceptibly. “Come on then, kid… It’s time for us to go.”

 

Rey nods and turns to follow Skywalker’s silent steps on the grass.

 

It takes all she has not to look back.

  
  


\------------------------------

  
  


He can’t quite place what it is that bothers him so much. Ben sets one more flute of champagne on a waiter’s tray that passes by, and loosens the collar of his shirt in irritation. There’s a sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach for some time now, a sense of emptiness that has him on edge.

 

It’s been practically impossible to break away from the guests and Hannah in order to search for Rey. He remembers spotting her along the treeline at the far end of the reception area not too long ago, but he hasn’t been able to see her since. 

 

He nods at the ambassador of Cantonica and smiles politely at his wife as he passes by the catering tables, heading for the spot he had last seen her. He has not exchanged a single word with her since this morning at the estate, and he knows she’s not faring well. He felt the Darkness battling inside her at the Temple as if it were his own, and he  _ needs _ to tell her that he understands. That he does not think less of her in any way. They are joined together, somehow, intertwined, as if she can find him at the end of a string. Ben can’t wait to bury his nose in her neck, wrap his hands around her body and ravish her lips one last time.  _ Force _ , he has been waiting for that moment all day. And nobody is stealing it away from him.

 

“Shouldn’t you be entertaining your guests with your wife?”

 

An amused voice drifts to his ears from the dark trees.

 

Nyxx is leaning casually against the bark of a tree, picking at the dirt under his nails. Two more Jedi are sitting cross legged on the ground, one of them in meditation.

 

Ben’s gaze roams the shadows behind the trees. “Aren’t you supposed to be helping Skywalker with the arrests? If you’re waiting for the cake to be served, it won’t be until way past your bedtime.”

 

Nyxx barks out a laughter and pushes himself off the tree to approach Ben. He pulls off the hood that covers his head, and stands before him with a strange glint in his green, charcoaled eyes. An uneasy feeling settles inside Ben at the way the Jedi regards him. It’s almost in compassion.

 

He does not like it at all.

 

“Return to the reception, Ben,” he says warily.

 

“Where’s Skywalker?”

 

“He left.”

 

“On his own? Why aren’t you with him?”

 

“We’ll be joining him soon.”

 

Nyxx continues to eye him carefully, while the other two Jedi have gotten off the ground and are watching the interaction between them, seemingly nonchalant. Ben is not fooled. They are here for a reason.

 

He swallows tightly. But not because of fear. No. It’s something else entirely. It’s because of this void that is spreading within him, an absence that he cannot explain. He doesn’t want to explain.

 

“Where’s Rey?”

 

Nyxx stiffens at the question, his face turning somber. 

 

“You don’t need to concern yourself over Rey anymore.”

 

Fear crawls up his spine. “Where’s Rey, Nyxx?”

 

“Where she belongs.”

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Has she left? Has Skywalker made her leave?”

 

“He hasn’t pressured her into anything she didn't want to do. It was her choice.”

 

“No. You’re  _ lying _ ." He points a finger at him. "She said she would wait. She promised she would...”  _ Fuck _ . Ben spins around, raking a hand through his hair. But he knows. Oh, he  _ know _ s that what the Jedi is telling him is true. That Rey has left without saying goodbye. Something ugly unfurls inside him, stretching its black wings. He takes a step back.

 

“No.”

 

The Jedi reaches for his arm. “Ben?”

 

But Nyxx’s voice drifts from afar. Almost from another dimension. Ben feels power surge through his body, coiled dark energy that makes him want to soar to the sky and breath hell on earth.

 

“You son of a bitch!” He seethes suddenly at the man. “You convinced her to leave with your pious little lies and your hypocritical morality! What did you tell her?” He curls his fingers in the air, tightening them around an invisible hold.

 

Nyxx staggers a step back with a curse, clutching his neck. “Get a grip on yourself!” he croaks with what little voice remains, while the other two Jedi fall upon him tearing their friend away from his claws.

 

“What did you  _ say _ to her?” He bellows at Nyxx, struggling to release himself from the men’s grip. The Force tingles inside him, crackles and snaps in the air that surrounds him.

 

They shove him against the tree, breaking his concentration.

 

“You fucking idiot!” Nyxx roars in his face. He sets his forearm on his throat, pinning him to the tree. “I didn’t say anything. It was  _ her _ decision.” 

 

“No! She wouldn’t…”

 

“It’s too late. There is nothing you can do.”

 

Ben growls in response, trying to break free from the men’s grasp. One of the Jedi is hurled to the tree across, and he wraps the Force around the other. But Nyxx grabs him and shoves him violently against the tree once more. The back of his head hits against the rough surface, and his teeth rattle with the impact. His body forgets to breathe... 

 

“Let her go!” Nyxx shouts at him.

 

But he cannot hear him over the buzzing of his ears, and the painful thudding in his chest. He writhes under the men’s hold, and spit foams at the corners of his mouth as he desperately tries to shove the Jedi away. But Nyxx has a good hold on him, despite the signs of exertion beading on his temple.

 

Ben roars in the darkness. He roars until his throat is raw, and tears have streaked down his face, and there is no more breath left inside him. And Nyxx holds him firmly against the tree throughout it all, until his legs buckle under him and all he wants to do is crumble to the ground. Ben shuts his eyes, letting his head thump back on the tree. 

 

All fight drains from his body. 

 

He wants to sob at how familiar this scene feels, at how his friend is there to hold him together once again. But his body is too numb.

 

“Let her go, my friend,” Nyxx pants. “I’ll watch over her again. I promise…”

 

Ben shakes his head at the words. At the inconsequence of it all. 

 

_ She is gone _ .

 

“Please, Ben… Just let her go.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think many of you guessed that this is where their current relationship would lead... They both chose to put duty above love. But lets be honest with ourselves. Did we believe Ben would just let her go? As much as he may have evolved as a character, and shown how much he loves her, could he at the very end of it all be able to let her go?
> 
> Some time jumps ahead. Be a little patient since I'm in the plotting phase. Hopefully this story will be close to its end by TROS.
> 
> I treasure every word of your comments and return your love tenfold! Thank you!


	32. Let the past die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is ready for a bit of action?

  
  
  


“Do you really believe she’s ready?”

 

The whisper pierces the haze of her slumbering mind.

 

“Yes,” another voice sighs.

 

“She never had to face such Darkness before, how do you know she has what it takes to withstand the Call?”

 

“Why do you think I agreed to send her to him? He needed her Light, and she needed his Darkness. Two pieces of a puzzle coming together in a perfect fit.”

 

There’s a shuffling of feet in the dark room, as the hushed voices drag her slowly back to reality. A reality that Rey doesn’t want to face. 

 

“She’s stronger than we think. She can do it.”

 

“You know, he’ll skin me alive if something happens to her. If what you say is true, then Snoke must want her pretty badly.” 

 

“Snoke wants them both,” says the graveled voice which Rey gradually recognizes as Luke’s. “But he’s only a pawn. There is greater Darkness hidden behind him, and I have unfinished business with it.” 

 

“Won’t you be joining us on the Supremacy?”

 

“No.”

 

“Master Skywalker, we can’t…”

 

“You’re ready. You are all ready. Eliminate Snoke. Take down the Knights. Ben and the Republic fleet will handle the rest.” 

 

There’s a whooshing of a door, and a patch of light falls on the floor next to her bed. She blinks drowsily at it. The two figures have paused by the entrance, two shadows against the blinding light.  Another sigh comes from Luke, and a lifelong tiredness fills the room.

 

“We must trust in the Force. All of us,” he says after a moment’s pause. “Now come... Let her get some rest. She needs it.”

 

The door shuts, the light disappears, and so do the whispering voices. Rey closes her eyes and falls back into a blissful slumber, retracting from the world and its responsibilities. A world that feels empty. 

 

A world where  _ he _ is no longer in it.

  
  
  
  


It’s her first time in days that Rey sets foot outside of her hut at the Jedi Academy, and it feels as if she has fallen off the face of the galaxy for eons. Her bare feet hurt on the graveled pavement, and the sun stings her eyes, despite shielding them with her hand from the relentless rays. Sweat is trickling down her back, wisps of hair are stuck on her forehead and the nape of her neck, and she realizes that she misses Coruscant’s winter with a vengeance. 

 

The humidity of this planet is simply absurd.

 

Rey takes a few hesitant steps towards the plush, green meadow that stretches in front of the Massassi Temple. The heady scents of the jungle and wet earth envelope her, and a light breeze attempts to ruffle her hair. It’s one of those days that makes one feel great to have a heartbeat in their chest and air filling their lungs. Being happy to be alive.

 

She swats at an insect buzzing close to her ear.

 

Rey feels indifferent.

 

Her cramping stomach protests once more at the lack of food. She has barely nibbled on the meager servings that were brought to her by younger padawans, tip toeing around her crouched form in the darkness of her hut, and eyeing her curiously, but warily nonetheless. She didn't want to frighten them, so she would pretend to sleep while they went about their business, placing food on her table and filling her mug with fresh water. 

 

She wants to say it feels good to be back, to see her friends and return to the simple and serene life of the Jedi. But the truth is, she’s not that person anymore.

 

She no longer  _ belongs  _ here.

 

“Ι thought you’d never come out of that hut.”

 

Rey swirls to see Finn standing behind her, with a backpack full of tools on the verge of ripping through the ragged old fabric. He is looking at her a bit guarded, dressed in a second hand outfit that stretches around his biceps and torso. 

 

“What are _ you _ doing here?” 

 

Her guess is that he’s been hanging around this place a bit too long. She’s surprised, but strangely relieved to see her newest friend in this part of the galaxy. There’s a simplicity about him, and a naive impulsiveness that remind her too much of herself. Or at least, the Rey she once recognized as herself.

 

It’s the reason she got along with him so quickly when they first met in Chandrila. In Ben’s house...

 

“Oh, doing some dirty work as usual,” he says in good humor, but she catches on to the snarkiness hidden behind it. She can’t forget that he was working sanitation when he was part of the First Order. “Dameron and I just came back from the Outer Rim, where we met up with a smuggler that has agreed to sneak the Jedi onto the Supremacy. With Han Solo not around anymore, there aren’t many options.”

 

If Han Solo were alive, Ben wouldn’t be too happy about seeing his father get involved in such a mission. In fact, he would be very,  _ very _ mad. She can’t help wonder briefly how much Ben is involved in the plotting. If he’s in close contact with the Jedi, or if there’s a chance he might stop by to talk to Luke…

 

She bites at a hangnail on her thumb.

 

_ No _ . 

 

Rey forces her thoughts to a stop. She can’t go down that road. She simply can’t allow herself to think of him so much. Or  _ hope _ that she will see him so soon after their separation. Everything is too recent and raw, and the emotions that flood through her at the mere thought of him are almost debilitating.

 

She squints at the burning sun, hoping her stinging eyes won’t betray her.

 

“So who’s this smuggler that has agreed to put his head on the line?” She can’t say she’s come across plenty of those. Rey’s voice wavers a bit, but she hides it with by clearing her throat. 

 

Finn studies her, curious and a little concerned. “You probably don’t know him. His name is Lando Calrissian, and Luke doesn’t seem very happy about working with him.”

 

Rey mulls over the name a bit, shutting her eyes at the bright sun. Gods... She misses him so _much_. Will it always feel this way? 

 

“Nope, never heard of him either,” she says, trying to focus on the present. Only it’s so damn  _ hard _ . “Who knows what kind of a scoundrel that is.” She sincerely hopes he doesn’t double cross them and sell them over to the First Order in exchange for a pocketful of credits.

 

Finn pulls up the strap of his heavy backpack that’s sliding down his shoulder. 

 

“Yeah, he started laughing when Poe told him Luke was asking for his help, and said something about not offering his ship for the job. I didn’t quite get that. But he agreed at the end, so now we have our smuggler, and some pirate named Maz Kanata will be our codebreaker to help us aboard the Supremacy and...oh, you don’t know her? Well, I heard she’s a pirate. Or an ex-pirate. So we’re  _ definitely _ in good hands there,” he snorts.

 

Rey can’t say he seems to be very fond of Luke’s choices, and neither is she, but it would be a shame to make Finn feel any more distraught than he already looks. So she nods in agreement.

 

“Care to walk with me? I’m on my way to check if Poe needs any help repairing his ship. He’s been hidden in its belly all morning, and I’m starting to get worried,” he huffs, tugging on the strap again.

 

Rey figures there’s no harm there. Better than turning around and heading back to bed. 

 

_ She must get out of that bed. _

 

“Sure. Here, let me help you with that,” she offers, pointing at the overflowing backpack.

 

But he shakes his head nobley. “That’s too heavy for you.”

 

“I’m a Jedi. I use the Force to…”

 

“Nah, I’ve got it. It’s no big deal.”

 

His shirt is drenched in sweat, and she doesn’t need the Force to see his exertion, but he wants to impress her for some reason, so she decides to let him do just that.

 

“Alright then,” she smiles at him - her first smile in days - “Lead the way.”

 

He beams back at her, this white, sincere, toothy grin that somehow lifts the melancholy that has settled inside her. Just a bit. There’s a reason why she liked Finn so much.

 

“Will do. But first, let’s get some food inside you. You look like a hibernating bursa that crawled out of its cave.”

  
  
  
  


The next few days blend together in a frenzy of vigorous training and attack simulations, long meetings and meticulous planning about the Jedi mission aboard the  _ Supremacy _ . All their scheming has to be carefully coordinated with the Republic fleet in the upcoming battle against the First Order.

 

Rey does her best to follow along.

 

The Republic’s Central Intelligence and Coruscant’s Ministry of Defense have initially spoken of a possible meeting ground between the two opposing fleets in the Bright Jewel System, that stands between what used to be Starkiller base and the Core. It’s crucial for the Republic Fleet to intercept the First Order before it enters the Core, where far too many casualties would take place, and plenty of opportunities would rise for their opponents to conquer or annihilate important key planets. 

 

“Kuat just released the new ships to the Republic. They are in orbit around Coruscant as we speak. Ben will be the one leading them into battle.”

 

Rey feels Luke’s blue gaze on her, as they walk side by side down the dark, damp corridors of the Academy, and towards the lecturing room of the youngest padawans. Rey holds the teaching datapads closer to her hammering chest, trying not to show the turmoil within her at the mention of Ben’s name. Or the fact that he will be joining the battle and setting his life in danger.

 

Her longing stretches in the Force, searching for her missing half as if she is somehow connected to him. As if she could possibly find him anywhere in the universe just by following an imaginary thread that pulses with the beat of her heart. Throbbing like an open wound or tickling like a feather. 

 

_ Warming her in her lonely nights - like his body did pressed to hers. _

 

“Will all the Republic Fleet take position at the Bright Jewel System?” she asks, trying to shift the attention away from her.

 

He looks away. “Most of it, yes. At the planet of Ord Mantell.”

 

“Will the Chiss join, too?” The name tastes bitter in her mouth.

 

“Not yet. The plan is for them to be smuggled amidst the space battle, and tip the outcome in favor of the Republic.”

 

“ _ Smuggled _ ?” Rey scoffs. “How can a whole fleet be…”

 

“There’s an old smuggling route in that system, Burke’s Trailing, that will provide an undetected way for the Chiss to enter the battle. It’s also the route Lando will use to get you kids close to the Supremacy.”

 

“So is what Nyxx said really true?” Rey halts in the middle of the dark corridor. Her raised voice bounces off the ancient stone walls. “You won’t be joining us in the mission?”

 

There’s an unease in the Force, almost a premonition. Rey feels that she won’t be seeing her Master again if he goes his own way.

 

_ Another loss. _

 

One more loved one that she will have to say goodbye to.

 

Luke Skywalker stops as well, and regards her with that gaze. That intense gaze that reads her like an open book.

 

“It’s not my path. And destiny is hard to escape,“ he answers softly. In understanding. “But it doesn’t prevent us from making the best decisions we can with the choices at hand.”

 

Rey nods, looking away and wiping at an errant tear. She feels like she owes her Master an explanation. That she owes him the truth about why Ben means so much to her, and how  _ hard _ it is to go on without him. 

 

She hasn’t seen Ben in nearly two weeks. Nor heard his deep voice, or felt the demand of his touch. Her daily life has become so grey. Plain and unfulfilling.

 

The days now drag, while whole months before just flew.

 

“Ben and I…”

 

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to share,” he cuts her off with a light shake of his head. “Leia and I are grateful to you. You have been his savior in more ways than you can imagine.”

 

Rey feels that familiar tightening of her throat at his words. 

 

“I’m so afraid for him,” she admits, her worry for Ben nearly choking her. “Now more than ever.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m afraid he’ll fall back to his old ways, that he will forget what it felt like to care for someone and…” 

 

“You’re afraid he’ll forget you.”

 

Rey blinks stupidly at him, feeling her cheeks burn. “I… No. It’s not that,  _ precisely _ . It’s…”

 

Luke chuckles heartily. She can see his shoulder shake from his good-natured laugh, and she can’t help but feel like she’s nine again. That he will pat her back condescendingly, because she can’t use the Force to lift the pebbles at her feet.

 

“Have faith in the love you two share. It’s because of that love that his fate has been altered. Who knows what would have happened to him if you hadn’t come into his life at the time you did.” Skywalker lifts an eyebrow in challenge. “He might have become a Dark Knight himself under Snoke’s influence. Or killed innocents and sacrificed his loved ones to the Dark Side. Who knows?”

 

Luke winks at her frowning face. Her Master is not making much sense, she thinks. He probably spent too much time meditating under that gamoa tree, and the pollen is getting his reality a little mixed up. Or perhaps he had a little too much of his stash of Corellian whiskey. Whichever.

 

Rey tries not to spend too much time contemplating on what might have been. There’s no point now.

 

“Will I see him again?’

 

“Oh, you most certainly will, kid,” he chuckles again, but his blue eyes are starting to sparkle under the dim light. “And when you do, tell him I’ll see him around, too.”

 

Rey nods again.

 

Definitely the Corellian whiskey, she concludes. Master Skywalker sounds almost delusional. Not to mention he never allows his emotions to overcome him.

 

“So when do we leave for Ord Mantell, Master Skywalker?”

 

“Soon. Very soon...” he mutters, lost in his thoughts for a moment or two, before he suddenly turns away and resumes his walking. “Come on,” he calls to her over his shoulder. “What are you waiting for? Those kids need someone to teach them how to lift pebbles.”  

 

She hurries to catch up with him.

 

It turns out to be sooner than expected, as Rey is awakened in the middle of the night by Nyxx. 

 

“Get ready,” he urges her. “The First Order is already dropping out of hyperspace inside the Core. They have completely bypassed the Bright Jewel System.”

 

“What?” she croaks in alarm, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

 

Nyxx hands her the saberstaff first, in a white-knuckled grip. “Get up. Chances are there’s going to be an attack on Coruscant first. We’re leaving now!”

 

It’s a race against time to get to the Core. To get to Ben. When Lando’s ship drops out of hyperspace the space battle is already raging hot.

  
  
  


The Supremacy looms over Coruscant - a vulture over its prey. Dreadnoughts and Deathstars surround the First Order flagship, swallowing up the blackness of space, along with zooming Tie fighters and Republic X-wings, laser beams and ion torpedoes, as the Republic Fleet stands its ground over the Capital planet. 

 

The First Order has not managed to approach the surface yet for an invasion.

 

Rey looks out the transparisteel window at the sea of twinkling lights on the surface of Coruscant, knowing that if she closes her eyes, she can still find her way to the estate, blindly. Find her way to  _ him.  _

 

Her breath mists on the glass.

 

Their ship shakes from the first direct hit.

 

"We might be late to the party, but that doesn't mean we ain't dancing," Lando declares from the cockpit with a yell of excitement. "Buckle up everyone! This rustbucket is about to learn some new moves."

 

There's an exchange of concerned looks amongst the seated Jedi and the select unit of Republic soldiers that will be part of the infiltration, and Nyxx next to her rolls his eyes. Rey continues to look out the window. 

 

"If you scratch this  _ rustbucket, _ you're buying me a new one." 

 

"Relax, Maz…" Lando winks at the ancient creature glaring at him through her bottle thick lenses. "The ship is full of Jedi, what could possibly go wrong?"

 

“I hope you’re not counting on them for help.”

 

“I’m sure they’ll use their mumbo jumbo if things go south.”

 

Maz Kanata swirls in her seat. "For your information, that's not how the Force works! So if you’re not sure how to fly this ship, then hand it over to someone who does."

 

“Are you doubting my skills?”

 

She leans towards him, magnifying her lenses. “When was the last time you had your eyes checked out?”

 

Lando chuckles under the woman’s scolding gaze, while squeezing the ship between two Star Destroyers. The  _ Supremacy _ fills the cockpit’s view, dark and imposing, and silence falls uncomfortably all around.

 

"Alright," says Maz, logging her computer into the ship’s systems. "We have to make this rustbucket register as a First Order supply freighter. Let's get to it."

  
  
  
  


_ Focus. _

 

The heat is unbearable, scorching her tears and burning her lungs. Angry flames are licking at Tie Fighters strapped to the walls, and a grey fog of smoke is stretching over the enormous main hangar bay of the  _ Supremacy. _   Lazer beams of red and green and blue cut through the air, and bodies are piling up on the black floor, dressed either in head to toe white armor or the grey enhanced uniform of the Republic. And amongst them all, beige cloaks, marking the place where a few of her friends are currently lying dead.

 

Rey coughs, ricocheting laser beams back to the Stormtroopers firing at her team.

 

“We have to take control of the main hangar bay!” Nyxx bellows a few feet away from her, bringing a Knight to his knees. “Raya, get your ass on the control tower and take kriffin’  _ contro _ l of it, already! We need to open it to our incoming troops!”

 

“She won’t make the jump. They’ll shoot her down,” Rey yells over the commotion. 

 “We have to get closer!” 

 

A Gorilla Walker screeches in the background, crashing down on the one next to it, and bringing about a sickening domino effect of crunching metal and duraglass. A battalion of Stormtroopers is crushed under the weight.

 

_ Aryn. _

 

She thinks in the haze of battle. Their friend finally did it. She wants to rejoice at his accomplishment, but there is no time to spare. No time to take a breath. She runs her saber through a Troopers chest and kicks the body away.

 

And then she sees him. 

 

The Dark Knight coming at her through the smoke, with his crimson blade lit. Rey hesitates for a moment before switching her initial Ataru form into Juyo.

 

_ Skywalker would kill her if he knew. _

 

Barely any Jedi know how to use it, nowadays.

 

Their blades sizzle when they come in contact for the first time, and Rey recognizes the Knight looming over her. She knows him. She has fought him before. 

 

_ She can do this. _

 

She twirls to the side and brings the other end of her saberstaff to his leg. He deflects it easily and answers with a powerful strike of his own.  Their blades cross again and again, in a quick succession of moves, deflecting and attacking at equal measure, with no winner or loser to mark the end of their duel.

 

Rey begins to doubt her choice of combat form. 

 

Her body aches, and her muscles are cramping from exertion, and she is so tired she can feel the Force slipping from her fingertips at times. Rey grits her teeth at it all. At the piercing cries of pain and the screeching of metal that hurt her ears. At the taste of blood and smoke on the back of her throat that make her nauseous. At the stinging of her eyes. At the quiver in the Force with each death that takes place.

 

_ Focus. _

 

A voice dictates inside her.

 

The Dark Knight begins to pant. A first sign of weakness.

 

“Jedi,” he snarls through his mask. Their sabers cross in front of their chests, and his onyx armor glows in the red and blue of their beams as he looms over her. “Your Governor is not here to save you this time.”

 

He chuckles, the mechanical, distorted sound prickling her skin.

 

Rey clenches her teeth. She has to keep him talking.

 

“What a shame... He would love to sizzle your ass again with some lightning,” she grits at the Dark Knight, ducking away from his slash.

 

But he grasps her with the Force, and drags her down on the ground. The back of her head hits the floor and her saberstaff slips away from her hand.

 

He nails her with his heavy boot pressed on her chest.

 

_ Again... _

 

Rey stretches her fingers towards her saber, keeping her gaze set on the black pits of his mask, where his eyes are hidden. He revels in the moment, enjoys it a bit too much. 

 

_ Focus. _

 

The Knight lifts his sword, ready to pierce it through her chest. “I will tell your Governor as I slice his throat, how good you felt when I fucked you on the floor of the hangar bay, amidst your dead friends.”

 

She curls her fingertips.

 

The Knight roars in pain, collapsing to the ground, as her saber flies through the air and cuts right through his legs. She hops on to her feet, with her saberstaff at hand, delivering the final blow by chopping off his head. 

 

“Arrogant bastard...” she spits blood to the side.  _ He talked too much. _

 

Rey stands over his decapitated body, allowing herself to feel just a little triumphant. She takes a look around, wiping at the sweat on her brow. The Strormtrooper numbers are waning considerably. The Knights are practically wiped out. And Raya is about to make the jump to the control tower. 

 

Outside, in the glittering black space, brand new Republic ships are taking position. Their powerful shields bounce off all ion torpedoes effortlessly from their hull, as they fall into place for an attack. Rey knows they are practically indestructible. She knows this because she has watched them in the making, right at his side 

 

In the front line, their flagship appears, the  _ Whisper _ .

 

Her heart hammers at the sight of it. Her mind reels over the probabilities.

 

Ben is  _ here _ .

 

Part of her wishes that he could witness her victory over the Knight that had been after him for so long. Perhaps he’d frown at her, scold her that pride is a path to the dark side, and that his baby girl needs to be careful. But perhaps he would wrap his hands around her - so large and warm and possessive - and pull her against his body for a hungry kiss. 

 

_ Gods _ , she misses the softness of his lips. 

 

“Shit...” Nyxx mutters next to her, interrupting her reverie. “We’re screwed.”

 

Rey looks at him curiously, because he’s obviously completely clueless as to  _ who _ is out there.

 

But Nyxx is not looking at the ships. The hangar bay’s doors have opened wide, and fresh First Order troops are storming the grounds in their polished white armor and F-11D blaster rifles.

 

“We can still take them,” she protests. “We’re so close to opening the main hangar to the Republic Fleet. It’s right outside!” Rey believes they can do it. They can complete the mission. 

 

_ Ben’s right there! _

 

But their opponents are too many. In a matter of seconds the enormous hangar bay is filled with Stormtroopers, aiming their blasters at her team. To say that they are outnumbered would be an understatement.

 

Nyxx disengages his lightsaber and lowers it, signaling for their team to do the same. Rey reluctantly powers down her saberstaff as well.

 

A man approaches them, heels clicking in satisfaction against the floor. 

 

He’s dressed in an impeccable black coat, and his red, slicked back hair glistens under the hangar’s light. A high ranking officer, no doubt. A General, from what Rey concludes by the insignia on his shoulders. He comes to stand in front of the Jedi, regarding them with the most sour expression Rey has ever seen on a man’s face. 

 

"On your knees,” he dictates.

 

Her friends are shoved and forced to the ground. A Stormtrooper pushes her between the shoulderblades, snapping at her to do as she’s told. But Rey ignores him. She is too mad.  _ Furious _ at the sudden turn of events. 

 

They were so  _ close _ .

 

“Rey,” Nyxx hisses through clenched teeth. “Do as he says, don’t do anything dumb.”

 

The General comes to stand before her, setting his icy gaze on her. Before she can read his intent, there’s a stinging slap across her face that nearly knocks her from her feet. 

 

"I said on your knees, filthy Jedi scum!"

 

Rey grits her teeth. In the blink of an eye, she snatches his blaster with the Force and sets it on his temple. 

 

"You don't get to order me to do anything."

 

She licks at the drop of blood on  her lip as numerous blasters snap in her direction. The buzz in the air lets her know that they are charged to kill. She wants nothing more than to blow the General's obnoxious frown from his face, but Nyxx glares at her, shaking his head. Rey knows he’s right. She knows she should put the weapon down. That she is putting their lives in danger.

 

But they were so damn  _ close. _

 

"Such strength!" A voice suddenly booms in the hangar.

 

The hairs on her skin stand on end.

 

 A chuckle follows, deep and self indulgent, and a strange power crawls in the Force, chilling her blood. Rey glances worriedly at her friends. There's a shadow on their faces, a fear that wasn't there before.

 

The First Order troops part way. 

 

When the creature appears, Rey knows immediately who she’s up against. And how could she not? She has seen that grotesque face in far too many nightmares. Nightmares that have haunted the boy in the Academy, and the man she has vowed to protect. 

 

She never thought she would be the one to face him. 

 

Fear grips her chest.

 

The Stormtroopers, she notices, give him a wide berth, but his own Praetorian guards, in their red armor, remain at his side.The creature has the audacity to wear a golden robe into battle, as if he has just stepped out of his bedchambers and his lewd ministrations. Rey is surprised he doesn’t have a Twi'lek chained to him in his wake.

 

Snoke’s eyes narrow in on her as if he’s known her all his life.

 

“This is what I call the spirit of a true Jedi!”

 

Not a single breath can be heard in the endless hangar bay. Nor a single twitch of unease from the troops.The Force spreads from the creature like a dark haze, turning everything into stone.

 

 “I see Skywalker has taught you well. But pull that trigger, and all your friends will die," he drawls, bemused.

 

Rey blinks away righteous tears of anger and clenches her jaw. Her hand drops.

 

The General steps back quickly with a beat red face, tugging on the lapels of his coat to collect himself. But Snoke doesn't spare him a single glance. All his attention is focused on her.

 

Rey tries to shake the uncanny haze from her mind. 

 

"The Jedi I have been waiting for, delivered at my doorstep," he says, in a voice that reverberates down to the bolts of the ship. "How convenient…"

 

Images flood her mind, dark and sinister, revealing  _ power _ she could never imagine. A woman stares at her, with a white face carved of stone hidden under her black hood, and a double-edged red saber unfolds in her hands.

 

_ Kira… _

 

The whispers are back again.

 

_ Let yourself go. Give in to the power of the Dark side. _

 

Rey staggers, clutching at her head. Cold sweat breaks down her back.

 

“I have waited for my apprentice for far too long,” Snoke’s voice resounds in the hangar, breaking off the ominous vision. But its shadows still lurk in the outskirts of her mind, waiting for the right moment to pounce. 

 

_ Focus! _

 

The voice that calls within her demands to be heard, and Rey no longer has the power to resist. There’s a familiarity about it, a warmth and longing that makes her feel like it's her only hope. She reaches out into the Force. Something pulses, feels and  _ breathes  _ as if it’s a living entity, and her heart flutters from the overwhelming sensation. Rey wants to sob from joy. 

 

Because she  _ knows _ . She knows she is not alone, here at the end of it all.

 

Rey snaps her eyes to Snoke and clenches her fists. She can feel the shadows screech and writhe in the periphery of her mind.

 

“I have waited for his Darkness to lead him to me. But I assumed wrongly. He had been following the Light,” Snoke continues, unaware of the uprising inside her. “Come closer, child."

 

Rey refuses to move a single inch.

 

" _ Closer,  _ I say." he snarls.

 

"You underestimate him. And me. And that will be your downfall," she declares.

 

Snoke chuckles again, but there's no amusement in it. 

 

The creature extends his hand suddenly, and she is hauled to it, feet dragging against the floor, forced to suspend a mere breath away from it. She can see every wrinkle and crevice of his mauled face, and feel the ice of his gaze cut right through her. 

 

“You foolish child! Now that the Light has come to me, he is not wise enough to resist the bait. You are here, and his ships are aligned outside.”

 

Pressure builds on her temples and Rey scrambles to raise her walls. She can hear herself whimper. 

 

"And now," he breathes, "...you will give me Kylo Ren." 

 

He tosses her in the air, like a ragged doll, and pushes into her mind. Slides bony fingers through the opening of her thoughts, attempting to rip them down their seams. The invasion is powerful, forcing itself crudely inside her and tearing everything in its path.

 

" _ Bring him to me _ ..."

 

Rey screams.

 

She screams like she has never screamed before, the searing pain too unbearable for her to hold inside. She is somehow aware that she is floating, her feet no longer touching the ground as the creature rips its way inside her.

 

_ Is this what you’ve felt all your life? _

 

Her question directed at  _ him _ wails in the outskirts of her awareness.

 

_ Is this what your nightmares were made of? _

 

Rey struggles with all that she has, fighting to keep the creature away. But it searches for something inside her with vehemence, and she is powerless to stop it. 

 

A roar joins her voice, and she sees herself kneeling on the ground and clutching at the sides of her head. The floor is no longer black, but a pale grey, and there are computer terminals blinking in her periphery. 

 

“ _ Sir? _ ” A voice pleads. “ _ Sir, are you ok? Someone call the medics! _ ”

 

Leather gloves are clutching her face, tugging on her black hair. Coruscant’s black armor is covering her torso. And  _ pain _ . So much pain reflecting her own - a lifelong hatred and wrath that eats at her bones.

 

_ Push him out! _

 

A thought pleads.

 

_ Get him out Rey, please… _

 

And Rey suddenly knows. From the tips of her numbing fingers to the beat of her straining heart, she knows that she can do this.

 

Ben is part of her. He is  _ inside _ her.

 

She gathers the pain. Every stinging tendril of it - coiling and tightening and wrapping it around the Force - and when she can no longer bear it...

 

_ She releases it. _

 

Lightning fills the hangar bay and crackles down its walls. It pierces the air. 

 

Everything goes dark.

  
  
  


“Rey…” A voice reaches for her. “Rey, you need to wake up. Come on!”

 

It takes enormous effort to drag herself to consciousness. Her eyelids are heavy and her body feels as if it’s been hit by an asteroid, scattering in every corner of the galaxy. 

 

“Come on Rey…” the voice urges. “We need to get out of here. The ship is collapsing in on itself.”

 

But the timbre is wrong, and it lacks the husky gravity that would pull her from her sleep. Rey wants to turn to her side and brush it away, but a hand shakes her roughly and she is jostled awake.

 

Green eyes meet hers, and her heart falls. 

 

“What happened?”

 

“I don’t know who taught you these tricks, but next time you decide to call on Force lightning I would appreciate it if I weren’t around. You burned the ass out of that old creep and destabilized some shit down in the engine room. Everyone is running for their lives! Now come on…” Nyxx extends his hand to hers. “We need to find Lando and his bucket of bolts and get the hell outta here.”

 

“Where are the others?”

 

“Clearing the way for us to get there.”

 

"Clearing the...what does that mean?"

 

"It means we're running late," he growls impatiently. "Now, come on! Get movin'!"

 

Rey grasps his hand and pulls herself up. Her brain feels a little sluggish, and the tips of her fingers and toes feel a little tingly, but other than that she feels like she's good to go.

 

The ship groans as if in agreement. The emergency lights are on, bathing the immense hangar bay in shadows of red, and blaring alarms resonate from the walls. Tie fighters zoom over their head and disappear in space. They dash for the exit, jumping and stumbling over bodies and debris, slipping on residue of ash, oil and engine fuel that cover the once immaculate floor. Rey tries not to think of the  _ blood _ that has also been spilled in battle. But like Nyxx said, no one is making an effort to stop them. Stormtroopers, technicians and all remaining First Order personnel are pushing through the doors, nearly running her to the ground in their rush to abandon ship.

 

 Alarms continue to wail down the dark corridors.

 

“This way!” Nyxx pants, tugging her around a corner. She can’t say he has the keenest sense of direction, but at this point who is she to doubt. These darned First Order corridors all look exactly the same.

 

They twist and turn endlessly in this maze of black steel and flickering lights as the ground shakes under their feet. Stormtroopers and personnel continue to stumble on them.

 

Rey can’t help wonder the extent of damage that the alleged Force lightning did to a ship of this magnitude. Or the power that was hidden behind it.

 

And she can’t stop her thoughts from reaching out to  _ him _ once again. His voice had rung so clear in her mind. The pain that he was in had become hers to bear. She can’t wrap her mind over what their connection is. What it  _ means _ .

 

They are rushing by transparisteel windows, and Rey slows down at the dreadful sight she sees outside. The battle is at its peak. The blackness of space is on fire, as wrecked ships collide with one another and debris floats aimlessly between the ones that still stand. In front of her a Star Destroyer is being relentlessly bombarded by two Chiss battleships, and to her left the hull of a Republic ship has just been breached by a Dreadnought, emptying its insides into the dead of space.

 

Rey feels her heart constrict, and she approaches the window almost in a daze. The reflection of a pale face appears.

 

Only it’s not hers. It belongs to a  _ man _ .

 

He stares back at her as if she’s some wild spirit that has sprung from the depths of a myth.  And he looks like a Dark Prince, clad in his black armor and solemn frown - bound by his responsibilities. He takes a step forward and extends his fingers, almost as if he can touch her through the glass that separates them.

 

A sadness crosses his features, shadowing his initial surprise. He stares hungrily at her, as if she can disappear from him in the span of a heartbeat. As if she is a mirage, or a ghost. A figment of his imagination. As if she’s not truly there.

 

Rey wants to run to him. 

 

She wants to cross the battle and glittering space and throw her arms around him. To feel the strength of his body and smell the scent of his skin.

 

She lifts her fingers instead, brings them slowly forth to touch the glass.

 

All falls silent. No more alarms or panicked voices, no groaning of metal or explosions going off. Nothing remains but their ragged breathing as their fingers approach. As they touch, one finger at a time, across time and space. 

 

Rey should feel the cold window, but it’s not there. Soft, warm fingertips press against her own. Her breath hitches, and she lifts her stinging eyes only to see that Ben is looking at her through his own well of tears. 

 

The universes suspends, ceases to turn.

 

_ Run, my love. _

 

His hushed whisper spreads like wildfire inside her, and a tear falls down her cheek. 

 

His fingertips turn to glass. 

 

Rey is left staring at her reflection, just as a door slams shut in her mind.

 

The alarms return. And so does the quaking ground and flickering red lights - the disintegrating ship.

 

A hand grabs her shoulder and tugs for her to  _ move _ .

 

Rey obliges, gathering her bleeding heart.

  
  
  


The  _ Supremacy _ is destroyed, and its debris orbits Coruscant for months after the battle. The remaining First Order ships have either surrendered or disappeared into the Unknown Regions. The Chiss monitor their movements, and the Republic breathes a sigh of relief. 

 

The Darkness hovering over the galaxy recedes mysteriously a little while after the battle as well, and Luke Skywalker disappears without a trace. 

 

But Rey knows. All his padawans and Jedi Knights - his students - know that he is not gone. Not really. His presence in the Force is as strong as ever, but somehow different. As if it’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

 

Nyxx tells them not to grieve. He tells them that his legend lives forever.

 

Rey finds it hard to fall back to the life she once had. Yavin ΙV and the Academy are too small to contain her restlessness. So when one day she informs Nyxx that she'll be joining Aryn and Kohl in a quest for old Jedi holocrons in the Outer Rim, he reluctantly allows her to go.

 

Rey finds reasons not to return to the Academy after that. Sometimes it's easier to make it through life when there is no time to stop and think. So Rey travels. She wanders the galaxy, hopping from one mission to the next, until the planets blend with one another and her days get mixed up with her nights. 

 

Sometimes she meets with her friend Finn, other times she drops by Chandrila for a quick visit to Leia Organa. She never comes across him, and never asks about him either. Almost as if they have perfected the art of avoiding each other.

 

But she does on occasion see him on a news report or interview, or in some fancy charity event with his stunning wife by his side, while Rey watches the holonet feed from some dingy bar in the Western Regions. She allows herself to linger on his melancholy for a few moments before looking away. 

 

But it's on those occasions that she seeks out company the most. Rey tries not to think about the motives behind her actions. A couple of times she even stays for a while, thinking that maybe the man laying next to her can mean something more.

 

But she leaves them all in the end.

 

There's simply no room in her heart for anyone else but him.

 

The door never opens again. She hovers around it sometimes, scratching at its surface and reaching to feel  the presence on the other side. Sometimes it throbs and bleeds like herself, but most times it remains quiet. Out of reach. 

 

Time, they say, heals all wounds.  

 

Rey wonders if it will ever heal hers.

 

Weeks have turned into months. Months have turned into years.

 

And Rey still yearns for the boy with the soft brown eyes, and the man whose lips set fire to her skin. Sometimes she even dreams of him. And those dreams feel so painfully real that she wishes there was a way for her to never fall asleep again.

 

Because Rey can't forget him. No matter how much she tries, she just can't do it.

 

And right when she finally decides that enough is enough, that she needs to let the past die and find a way to move on, life chooses to grace her with the most treacherous emotion.

 

_ Hope. _

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there is a long time jump between the destruction of the Supremacy and the next chapter. I'd say about two years. I know that a lot of you won't be happy with Rey's evolvement as a character, but I guess she couldn't hold on to the child within her forever. And don't forget that her wandering the galaxy and occasional seeking of company was her own way of trying to kill the past, despite the promise she had made. Would any of us have done any different?
> 
> Music selection for this chapter "Roads untraveled" by Linkin Park.
> 
> On a lighter note... WE HAVE TROS COMING OUR WAY! Be ready my friends. It's happening!


	33. Starless night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you standing and those who are on the ground...

The bartender slides her a drink.

 

The surface of the bar is sticky with spilled alcohol and remnants of sauce from the 

previous dweller that had occupied her seat, so the ale Rey has ordered doesn’t quite reach her spot. She stretches her arm over the Kabe next to her to grab it, completely avoiding the bat-like creature’s struggle to get on the barstool. 

 

A cantina in the 1325th level of Coruscant is not a place to show compassion, and a good deed would bring about more attention than a human being stabbed in the middle of the crowded space. Or so she’s noticed in the few visits she’s made in the last couple of years in the new capital of the Republic.

 

Although, she has to admit, entering the Lower Levels on her own without a fellow Jedi for company never seemed plausible a couple of years back. It used to be impossible to cross a street without an annoying attempt from some street rat to mug her, or snatch her for body trafficking. But now, thanks to the security patrols, things seem quieter.

And a little nudge with the Force at the Kabe won't do any harm.

Rey brings the glass to her lips to take a sip, grimacing at the stale taste. Getting a drink that’s worth its credits is impossible these days.

 

Ben must be really trying to _clean up_ the Lower Levels, but going the wrong way about it.

 

 _“All cities need a crime infested area,”_ his voice echoes painfully clear, despite their years apart. His sharp profile looking broodily out the window of their shuttle still makes her chest cave in on itself. Rey will never forget the sun’s last rays falling on his features, deepening his frown and darkening his already melancholy mood. “ _It’s an outlet for personalities that cannot abide by rules. There’s no point in trying to change them,”_ he had sighed. _“But there's a point in making their life more humane and helping those who want better for themselves to escape the Lower Levels if they try.”_

 

Rey had not agreed at the time. But the more she has lurked in places like this since then, and interacted with its patrons, the more she’s come to realize that no one can be saved unless they want to be saved.

 

She sets her drink down, a little louder than intended, staring at the fizz coating the glass with a bitter taste in her mouth. She wonders briefly if Ben ever wanted to be _saved_. Rey tries not to dwell on ghosts of the past, but they still creep up on her when she least expects them too. No one notices the sound, of course, despite the fact that the usual rowdy voices have suddenly died down.

 

She peeks over her glass curiously.

 

Most of the attention is directed at the holonet feed. There’s a live report from Coruscant’s Senate, from what she can tell through the fog of smoke hovering in the air. A Gamorrean growls for someone to raise the volume.

 

Rey takes another sip from her drink, wondering when the Mandalorian will appear with the rare kyber crystal he claims to have acquired for the Jedi. He is late, and it’s not like him. Her ears are still trained on the holonet feed, half-listening to the reporter saying that there will be an announcement of great significance coming from the High Chancellor of the Republic. One that will set the galaxy, they say, on edge.

 

Rey considers ditching her rendezvous with the Mandalorian, paying for her drink and getting the hell out of there before Ben appears on screen. It gets harder and harder to watch him continue on with his life while she’s stuck in the past.

 

When she hears his familiar clearing of throat and deep rumble of his voice fill the crowded room, she gets off her seat. His voice is steady, coated with his stern politician timbre that she used to swoon over by the time she pays for her drink.

 

She pushes her way through the crowd, the stench and smell of sweat almost making her gag as she nearly trips over a Hutt’s tail. But it’s not until her hand punches the rusted doorpanel and the doors woosh open, that she halts with the last words of the feed drifting through the suffocating air.

 

“... _therefore I am resigning from my position as High Chancellor of the New Republic and calling on elections to…”_

 

Rey turns around slowly, head over her shoulder, to stare at the face she’s longed to see in a little over two standard years - but who’s counting? A bone-chilling breeze drifts through the open doors.

 

“... _and Minister of Foreign Affairs Amilyn Holdo will be temporarily taking over my position as…”_

 

Rey blinks at the staticky feed. At the lines that run across his solemn face, disrupting his features and cracking his voice. She tries very hard to make sense of what is happening. 

 

“... _since I will not be participating in the upcoming elections or any other political campaign, henceforth.”_

 

He snaps his head in conclusion, saying that no questions will be allowed, and turns to leave. But he is swarmed by reporters and cameras, yelling questions at his back as they follow his swift exit from the Senate. His black cape is the last thing she sees as Ben’s security detail cuts off the feed. 

 

The reporter comes back on, and the rowdy voices return a little louder.

 

Rey stands frozen in her spot, trying to wrap her mind around Ben’s statement and what it could possibly mean. But she barely has any time to contemplate on it.

 

A Mandalorian pushes by her, his armor digging into her shoulder as he steps inside the cantina. 

 

It isn’t until way later, when Rey is curled in her bed in the dingy hostel room she has rented for the night, that she allows her thoughts to drift back to the holonet feed. She twists and turns on the worn out sheets endlessly, listening to the low hum of the venting system and the occasional brawl breaking out on the street below. She ponders, thinks and _dreams_ until her mind is squeezed dry and the daycycle’s harsh electric lights eventually switch on outside her window.  

 

Rey gets out of bed with a wild beat in her heart and a flushed face.

 

Ben is walking away from politics, and she doesn’t want to dare imagine the reasons behind it.

  
  
  
  


It was supposed to be like any other day. Like any other mission. Only a lot more boring.

 

Overseeing the discussions between the Gungans and the citizens of Moenia in Naboo about the trespassing of borders in the Lianorm swamps is not considered a particularly enthralling mission for Rey’s standards - or any standards for any Jedi for that matter - if she was being completely honest with herself.

 

Yet here she is, in the entrance hall of the Royal Palace of Theed, trying to stifle a yawn as she counts the tiny pebbles of the mosaic on the wall across from her. The two delegations have literally turned their backs to each other, saving her the effort of keeping her guard up for any signs of aggression between them, while they all wait patiently for the Queen of Naboo to arrive to the Throne room to overhear the negotiations.

 

From her limited experience, Rey knows it will be a long day. Despite the fact that the discussion will be over swamps.

 

But it’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining, and the birds are chirping - and all sorts of flowery aromas drift through the open windows of the palace. Rey itches to walk through the city’s picturesque streets and bask in the lazy sunlight when the talks are over. 

 

She believes she’s earned it.

 

But serene moments in one’s life only last for a heartbeat, and then they are gone. Rey senses a storm approach the palace, although the sun still shines brilliantly in the sky above.

 

She _feels_ him way before she can actually _see_ him, and she scrambles hastily to cloak her Force signature, mortified to find out what could have ever brought him here. Naboo is too peaceful for its own good, and the very last place in the galaxy Rey had _eve_ r imagined she would come across him. She hides behind one of the main columns of the hall, digging her nails into the cold marble and trying to make herself as inconspicuous in the Force as the stone in front of her.

 

A man stalks inside the palace in a whirlwind of blacks.

 

She watches him cross the hall, with his cloak rippling in accordance to his heavy gait, his usual entourage hurrying to remain at his side. One of Kaydel’s buns is starting to fall from its position, and Mike wipes the sweat from his bald head in a quick, discrete swipe. The scene is so homey and familiar it nearly makes her smile.

 

And then the alarming changes in him begin to stand out. Changes that she had never noticed before on the holonet feeds.

 

_He’s lost weight._

 

It’s the first thought she has when she sets eyes on his slim frame, dressed in one of his usual immaculate black suits. His hair is shorter, his eyes look almost hollowed in, and there is a certain dejection in his movements, as if life has become too cumbersome to bear.

 

Her concern for him hits her like a punch in the gut.

 

Dark eyes snap in her direction.

 

Rey barely has time to hide behind the column. She can almost feel his stare, trying to burn a hole through the marble, and Rey sets her forehead on the cold surface, hoping - no - _praying_ that he doesn’t sense her behind it.

 

She knows the progression has halted in the middle of the hall, and that she is holding her breath, counting the accelerated beats of her heart tick by, _waiting_ for him to pass her by. Rey feels her lungs might burst by the time he resumes his pace, and he and his team disappear behind the ornate doors of the Throne room.

 

Rey lets out the longest exhale of her life. 

 

After a very short dilemma, she decides to ditch the negotiations and head out to the city. It’s not as if the galaxy’s fate depends on the talks.

 

They’re just about swamps. It’s not her concern.

  
  
  
  


But when Rey enters the palace banquet hall later in the evening, dressed in the only formal dress she owns, her eyes fall anxiously on every black clad figure that moves or breathes in the large room. They dart from black lace gowns to shimmering tuxedos, to black feathered hats, searching and yearning to find that one single magnetic presence that she has gone through such great lengths to impress - despite her better judgement.

 

Rey touches nervously the carefully set waves of her hair, and wipes sweaty palms on the red silk fabric of her gown, hoping no one notices the mended rip on the side of her waist. There is an electrifying anticipation coursing through her body that just won’t let her sit still for a single moment.

 

It is the most torturous sensation she has ever felt.

 

She weaves through the elegant crowd, grabbing a flute of champagne along the way to help her ease the pounding of her heart. Her social skills are not all that great, and truth is she barely knows anybody else besides the delegations she is tasked to keep an eye on. But she nods her acknowledgment to the Gungans - knowing how easily they can be offended if she doesn’t - and makes her way to the throne to greet the Queen.

 

The evening drags on, and Ben is nowhere to be seen. 

 

Rey feels her stomach is twisted into a million knots. She pretends not to be bothered by it, as she swipes her third glass of champagne from the tray of a passing droid. Her head is starting to swim, her skin feels on fire - and she has devoured the matching red gloss she had put on her lips. She knew that attending this silly banquet would be the most uncomfortable experience of her life.

 

The Mayor of Theed invites her to his company with a polished smile plastered on his handsome face. He seems to be very interested in her. Or, rather, the type of _interested_ someone pretends to be when they have an ulterior motive. She has felt his sleazy thoughts brush against her all night.

 

She smiles politely at him as he animatedly describes his unfortunate encounter with a Crolute a few years back, and the obscene amount of credits he was forced to pay in order to repair his ship. The small circle of participants chuckle along. 

 

Rey snorts, taking another sip of champagne.

 

She has wasted her time. She has gotten all dressed up to go to an event she never wanted to go to to begin with.  Hoping that she would come across a man whom she has no right to think about. And all this for what? So that she would stand like a silly girl in the middle of this room, half drunk out of her mind and barely able to hold herself on the heels of her swaying feet, listening to the most tedious and meaningless conversations that have ever existed in this galaxy. 

 

_She’s so pathetic._

 

“And what would you say, my lady?” 

 

Rey suddenly feels all eyes trained on her in expectation.

 

“Hmmm?” Rey hurries to gather her scattered mind. The Mayor must have asked her a question while she was lost in her thoughts, and she has no idea what it is. _Shit._ She feels her already heated face burn like the sun. “Well...um...I would have to say that…”

 

“The Jedi don’t do business transactions,” a deep voice cuts her off. 

 

Rey’s heart stops. She turns her head slowly to look at the man standing behind her. 

 

“They barely carry any more credits than needed. Not to mention that it’s impossible to deceive them,” the man says, while Rey stares at him stupefied. 

 

His glossy hair looks slightly disheveled, and there is a small cut on his chin on an otherwise freshly shaved face. They are just minor distortions in an otherwise impeccable image. Insignificant really. There is no reason for this pang of nostalgia to hurt so much.

 

The familiar musk of his aftershave drifts to her nose.

 

Rey wants to close her eyes. 

 

He licks his lips before he continues, and her fingers tighten around the stem of her glass. Her heart begins to pound. There’s a piece of lint on the right lapel of his perfectly tailored suit - her favorite shade of deep blue - that thankfully grabs her attention, and Rey stares at it as if it’s the center of the universe. 

 

“The Jedi use the Force to read thoughts and intentions, so it would be wise not to make them think they are being fooled. Chances are you’ll end up stripping naked in the middle of a busy street because they have compelled you to do so. Just to prove a point.”

 

His dark gaze finally falls on her. 

 

“Isn’t that right, Miss Jakku?”

 

Rey blinks at him.

 

“Sort of...” she stutters. The small company eyes them curiously, while the mayor of Theed turns a bright red. “That’s not exactly how it...”

 

“But then on the other hand, they can be the fiercest protectors if you call on them for help.”

 

His eyes remain trained on her, and Rey is unable to look away.

 

“I…” Gods, this is _not_ how she had envisioned a reunion with him. She was supposed to be cool headed and collected. A seasoned Jedi. Not this befuddled version of herself. “We...provide our services where we are needed, but…”

 

“...you don’t stay any longer than you deem necessary,” he concludes for her, with a curl of his lips. “Yes... I’m aware.”

 

Sadness seeps between them for a moment, making her heart flutter to life, but it dissipates as quickly as it appeared. No further thoughts or emotions come from him. He has his mind under lock and key.

 

There is a clearing of a throat. “You seem well acquainted with our guest, Mr. Solo.”

 

Ηis attention returns to the Mayor. “Indeed. Enough to know that she is not interested in providing her services to you,” he points out.

 

Frustration suddenly bubbles up inside her. He has no right to speak on her behalf, and he most certainly has no right to assume anything about her interests. He is not part of her life anymore.

 

“Really? And how would you know I’m not interested?” She asks.

 

“I know about your code’s ridiculously strict ethics,” he concedes.

 

“It’s been a long time, my ethics might have changed.”

 

“Have they?” He asks tersely, dark eyes roaming over her face. “ _Changed_?”

 

His gaze is loaded with words left unspoken that Rey simply cannot ignore. She feels her face burn a crimson red that probably already matches her dress, and her glass trembles slightly between her fingers. 

 

She has completely forgotten what it feels like to be in his presence. 

 

Alarms go off in her head.

 

There’s really only one choice she is left with at the moment, and it’s not one she’s particularly proud of making. Especially since it has never worked well for her in the past. But desperate times call for desperate measures. 

 

She picks up the hem of her dress. “If you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I prefer to leave debates in the hands of politicians. My _ethics_ dictate for me to remain indifferent.”

 

She spins around on her heels, swatting away the surprise and rejection that spike from his side of their connection, and squeezes between two delegates from Geonosis to get away. She thinks she hears him call out her name, but Rey doesn’t look back. She has fought so damn hard not to look back. She slips effortlessly through the thick crowd with her heart pounding in her throat.

 

When she stumbles out on the wide terrace overlooking the city’s waterfalls, she pauses for a quick gulp of air. 

 

Her decision to come was a colossal mistake. She thought she was ready to face him. That she would even be ready to exorcise his ghost by simply seeing him as a simple man - like any other man that has entered her life in the past couple of years. How gloriously mistaken she has been.

 

“Rey!”

 

His voice reaches her over the rushing sounds of water. But Rey doesn't stop. She hears his pace quicken, his shoes clicking hurriedly against the stone as he chases after her. Rey wishes she could run in her stupid gown, or just sprout wings on her back and fly away into the night, because he is most certainly catching up to her and she doesn’t know what she will do.

 

“Rey, wait!” 

 

She feels him right behind her, and then he’s reaching out and grasping her arm.

 

“Please…”

 

She swirls to glare at him. 

 

“What!?”

 

He freezes for a split moment, probably feeling the intensity of her fury burn through their bond. Which is good. Serves him right. 

 

“I apologize about what I said to you in there. I was being as much of an ass as the Mayor.”

 

"You underestimate yourself. You were much worse."

 

“Oh come on! We both know what kind of thoughts he’s been having about you all evening, you didn’t seriously expect me to just…” he halts under the intensity of her gaze, and runs his hand through his hair in frustration.

 

Rey narrows her eyes at the guilty expression on his face.

 

“Have you been watching me? _Spying_ on me? How long have you been here?” She can’t believe he’s been able to cloak his presence from her so well. That damn champagne was absolutely lethal.

 

“A while. But that’s not the point...” 

 

“It is when you appear out of nowhere and start voicing unvalidated opinions about what I want in front of people I happen to be interacting with because of a mission!”

 

Her rant manages to make him clamp his mouth shut with a sharp clack of teeth. He tears his gaze away to look at the waterfalls.

 

“I simply stepped in in your defense. It didn't cross my mind that you would be offended," he mumbles, setting his hand on the stone ledge of the terrace and picking on a crack with his thumbnail. His nervousness is so palpable it chips at her frustration, and Rey can’t fathom what will happen if her walls crumple to the ground. If the door that is shut between them opens wide.

 

"Ben, why are you here?"

 

The question that has been looping in her mind all day - burning in circles -  tumbles out before she can stop it.

 

His eyes snap to hers. "What do you mean? I followed you out because you were upset. I simply…"

 

" _No,_ that’s not what I mean." Of course, he's good at evading. It comes as easily as breathing to him. She fixes a solid stare at him. "Why are you on Naboo?"

 

"Ah. _That,"_ he answers flatly, but there's a shade of amusement in his deep voice that reminds her nothing ever happens by coincidence when it comes to him. This has been deliberately planned.

 

"I am here on a lifelong investment that has been on my mind for some time now," he states vaguely, running his long fingers along the corner of the stone ledge. His eyes follow their movement.

 

She scrunches her brow at him. "You don't seriously expect me to believe that!" She knows he’s lying. “Naboo has no banks.”

 

He laughs at that, a short rumbled sound that leaves him smiling impishly at her with dimpled cheeks and crinkled eyes.

 

"What must I say to convince you?"

 

 "I don't want you to _convince_ me. I want you to be honest with me."

 

"I've always been honest with you.”

 

He regards her strangely from the shadows. Soft light falls from the tall palace windows and stretches on the stone pavement, but the night is so dark and thick that he almost becomes one with its black expense. Only the cascading waters sparkle below the terrace, and the light reflecting in his black eyes. 

 

The image is otherworldly. Taken from a fairytale.

 

Mist rises in the air, mixing with the sweet and heavy scent of flowers drifting from the palace’s gardens. It settles on her bare skin.

 

She wraps her arms around herself, trying to withhold a shiver. The urge to reach for him is overwhelming, but she knows it will not end well. His presence is temporary. A small respite in a life they are meant to spend apart. She mustn't allow this night to work its magic on her. She mustn't allow the fantasy to play out. Rey is so very _tired_ of dreaming about him. 

 

 Her nails dig into the silk of her dress.

 

“How’s Hannah?”

 

She senses his light mood dissipate. 

 

“Why are you asking?”

 

“Why not? She’s your wife. Isn’t she accompanying you on your business travels?”

 

“She’s not with me, if that's what you want to know.”

 

“Apparently not, since you’re chasing after me. So stupid of me to ask.”

 

Ben shakes his head lightly to himself. A pained, cryptic smile graces his features before he turns to stare at the cascading waters. 

 

“You have every right to feel bitter,” he says softly. “And I don’t mean to impose. But it feels  good to see you again after all this time. Even under circumstances such as these.”

 

He watches the waterfalls for a long moment, seemingly lost in his thoughts. All fight slowly drains from her and gets washed away by the rushing waters. 

 

“You’ve lost weight. Haven’t you been eating? Taking care of yourself?” Rey doesn’t want to ask about the woman who is supposed to be looking out for him. “The galaxy is mostly at peace. I don’t see why you would be so stressed that…”

 

“Rey.”

 

“...that you wouldn’t be able to eat. You should at least try to…”

 

“ _Rey.”_

 

She pauses. Feeling, rather than seeing, that dark, heavy gaze boring down on her.

 

“Please _don’t_... You know why.”

 

She swallows thickly and watches him shift his gaze back to the falls. Rey blinks away the unbidden tears of her eyes. A few heartbeats pass before he speaks again.

 

“I always found the waterfalls of Canto Bight impressive due to their exceptional size and beauty of the planet’s terrain. I regretted not taking you to see them when we had the chance,” he says softly.  “But somehow, I don’t mind now. It turns out that Naboo’s are just as breathtaking. Maybe even more.”

 

Rey stares at his sharp profile. There’s an unease emanating from him, a hesitation. As if he’s testing waters, trying to figure out their depth. 

 

“Ben, there’s no point in digging out the past now…” she sighs.

 

“I’m not interested in the past,” he states firmly, returning those sparkling, black eyes to her. He pushes himself away from the ledge and begins to step closer. “I’m only interested in the present. In this moment now. Here. With you standing across from me in that lovely red dress. I’m interested in the future and the possibilities it holds for a dreamer like me.”

 

“You’re not making any sense…”

 

“I am making _perfect_ sense,” he objects with a passion that startles her. It’s been so long since she last felt the gravity of his power, and she is caught in it so easily it’s embarrassing. “You of all people should know that we have the right to ask for more than what life hands us. That we must never give up fighting against all odds to save our dreams and....”

 

“You sound like your father.”

 

He pauses at that, seemingly caught off guard. “Perhaps I am more like him than I thought.”

 

A couple bursts into the terrace, startling them both and causing them to step back and avert their eyes. But the couple is laughing to their heart’s content and stumbling over drunken feet, blissfully oblivious to their presence. The man wraps his arm around the woman’s shoulders, pulling her into his warm embrace and setting a kiss on her temple. Rey tries to drown the envy that suddenly flickers inside her. 

 

The couple looks so happy. 

 

She watches them walk away, heels clicking in a matching stride down the winding steps of the terrace.

 

When Ben’s eyes return to hers, there’s a renewed fire alight inside them. He approaches her, coming to stand a hair’s breadth away from crowding her in, as if he knows what her boundaries are and choses to respect them. A yearning seeps into the Force between them. A bone deep adoration that makes her heart throb in response.

 

“You’ve watched the holonet feeds. Perhaps heard the rumors. Surely, you must know why I’m here...”

 

Her insides break into a flutter at the shade of his deep voice. At the plea hidden behind it. _Yes_ , her heart whispers like the traitor that it is, she knows exactly why he’s here.

 

Ben takes that one crucial last step, the one that brings him a breath away from her, and her heart begins to hammer. She is already captivated. Enslaved. And he’s not even touching her. Rey tilts her head back to look at him while her whole body thrums in expectation. She can sense him leaning in. Craving. _Aching_ to have a taste of her. His want is so tangent, so intense that Rey knows, in this very instance, he would give his very life to own something so simple as a kiss. To pretend for a fraction of a second that she belongs to him. 

 

“You’re shivering,” he mutters inches from her lips. “Are you cold?”

 

“No,” Her lip quivers and her body trembles, but she has never felt so warm before in her life. It’s as if she has been lost in a blizzard, and he is the hearth she has been waiting to find.

 

She wants him to kiss her.

 

She is _dying_ for him to kiss her.

 

But Ben is taking off his suit jacket and placing it over her bare shoulders in one fluid motion, before she can object

 

His scent _envelopes_ her.

 

“I don’t want you catching a cold,” he declares valiantly. “I wouldn’t dare take you to see a waterfall again.”

 

He tugs her closer by the lapels of his jacket, pretending to be absorbed in placing it just right over her shoulders and wiping the creases away.  Rey watches his eyes shy away from hers. She watches the light flare of his nostrils and the quickening of his breath.

 

“Is it true?” she whispers, searching desperately for his eyes.

 

“Is what true, baby girl?”

 

“That you’re breaking away,” her voice cracks. “That you’re…”

 

His large hands slide gently down her arms, finding her hands and threading his fingers carefully with hers. He lifts his eyes.

 

And looks at her.

 

_Oh, when he looks at her…_

 

He gives her all the answers she needs to know without saying a single word.

 

His eyes melt in the night, and Rey breaks into a smile, this wide, silly, cheeky grin that she hasn’t given him since they were children, and she brings fingertips up hesitantly to touch his cheek. They tremble but he doesn’t notice. All he sees is her.

 

And Rey can no longer hold back. She pulls him in for a kiss. 

 

His lips were always soft, but they had never been gentle. A despair always clung to them when he molded them to hers, an eagerness and a hunger for things he could not have. But not tonight. 

 

Tonight they give out his heart.

 

It lasts a moment, but it is enough to last them a lifetime. And when it ends, he shuts his eyes and he smiles.

 

“I want you to wait for me,” he whispers in the small space between them. “I’ll come back for you, I want you to wait for me…”

 

Rey knows that they were never good with their promises. That somehow it always hurt too much to see them through. But there’s always a hope that comes along with a promise, and she had never been wise enough to turn it down. 

 

“Spend the night with me,” she says, caressing the dimples on his cheek. His smile widens at the softness of her touch. “Be mine, just for tonight...” 

 

Rey fears that the magic of this night will disappear with the first light of day. And when she wakes in the morning alone in her bed, with his scent and sweat lingering on her skin and his spend sticky between her legs, she will have one more stinging, cherished memory to add to the ones she has kept. 

 

“It won’t be just for tonight...” he says, with those eyes that sparkle so strangely this night. 

 

And right then, in that tiny little instance, is when Rey finally realizes why the stars have gone missing from the sky. 

 

Who has stolen them. And who is the one that wields them.

 

“...You’ll see.”

 

 

 

Link to "[No Dawn, No Day (I'm Always In This Twilight)"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21914524/chapters/52306564)

 

Also I would like to share with you a piece of reylo art that has completely captivated me. I came across it a couple of day after finishing this chapter and it captures them two so perfectly that I just had to let you all know. It's by winterofherdiscontent and the [link is here](https://twitter.com/winter_of_her/status/1211202321289363457)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My small tribute to our Dark Prince, whose smile now lives amongst the stars.
> 
> Music selection "Kingdom Fall" by Claire Wyndham
> 
> I wish I could fix for you, my friends, what has been broken, but I am at a loss of words. 
> 
> I am lucky enough to have a friend step in and offer me a hand and a shoulder to lean on, while I try to get back on my feet. 
> 
> A thousand thank you to my beta MyJediLife, and the fix-it fic she has gifted me. I consider it an Orpheus and Euridice equivalent as Rey searches for him in a world between worlds. Because, let's be real. THAT is what Rey would do for the man she loves. 
> 
> "No Dawn, No Day (I'm Always In This Twilight)" . Link at the end of the chapter.


	34. What we were always meant to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's watch these space babies reach for the sun...

  
  


There is something hesitant about him. Cautious.

 

As if she’s an illusion about to evaporate if he burns too close.

 

She can tell by the way he comes to stand behind her, carefully cupping her bare shoulders with his warm hands. By the way he raises his gaze to look at their joined reflection on the window of his room. This dark, heavy gaze that carries a sliver of hope inside. Or - perhaps it's only the glittering city playing tricks in the night.

 

Ben towers over her, all broad shoulders and solid chest, but he seems the frailest she has ever seen him. 

 

He wraps one large hand gently around her throat, an unuttered plea for her to remain perfectly still for him, while he runs the knuckles of his other hand lightly down the tiny bumps of her spine. The touch is so soft, so feathery that Rey can barely contain her body's instinct to shudder. If this is what his touch will be like, she doesn’t believe her heart will make it through the night.

 

Fingers tighten slightly on the pulse of her neck, as he leans in to caress the the tip of his nose along the shell of her ear. 

 

_ Rey… _

 

His voice breathes inside her mind and sets the embers ablaze. 

 

When he slowly unties her dress and lets it slip to the floor, Rey fears she will melt to his every demand. She stands bare in front of him once more - an unwrapped gift in the dim lighting of his room - with his longing and desire pulsing between them. He is treating her as if she's something vulnerable, fragile. As if she's made of glass. LIttle does he know that Rey wants to be  _ broken _ .

 

He tips her head to the side, exposing her neck to his hot breath. 

 

_ I dream of you... _

 

He whispers in the corners of her mind, stirring a hunger that has been long forgotten.

 

His lips find that sweet spot behind her ear, just as his other hand comes around to cup her breast. Long fingertips delicately curl around her nipple. They knead and pinch at the pebbled flesh, shooting want down to the pits of her core.

 

_ I ache for you... _

 

His voice bleeds through her cracks.

 

His hand moves down. It slips inside her thin underclothes, finding her small patch of curls and gently spreading her folds wide open for him to touch. To explore. To  _ take. _

 

 Rey is soaked.

 

He dips a finger inside her, sliding it across that throbbing spot she has spent countless nights rubbing in want for him, and circles it tightly. Her knees nearly give out under her.

 

“Take me to bed,” she moans to him.

 

She doesn't need to tell him twice.

 

Ben comes to stand in front of her, sliding his hands down to her ass and cupping it firmly before lifting her up. Rey feels so high she never wants to touch the ground again. She wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, while he clutches on to her tightly, molding his mouth to hers with a desperation that threatens to steal all logic from her mind. He carries her to his bed, but instead of devouring her as the monster that she  _ knows _ he can be, he lays them down on the soft bedspread and drags her on top of him.

 

_ He’s surrendering to her. _

 

The restraint he is showing is truly admirable. She can tell by the tender way his hands find her hips, guiding her to straddle him. By the way his thumbs run small circles on the jut of her hipbones. Rey’s chest begins to ache. 

 

He wants to savor her, when she wants to be ravished. 

 

She hurriedly undoes the buttons of his shirt and unfastens the bindings of his trousers, fingers agitated and frustrated at the lack of dexterity on her behalf. She is harsh and hasty,  yanking his shirt off his shoulders, running her palms over the expanse of skin on his chest and the muscles of his abdomen. She clenches her jaw, struggling not to scratch. Then she fumbles to remove the rest of their clothing, to wrap her hand around his already hardened cock.

 

Ben grunts when she strokes him, and she stares hungrily at the way he buries his head in the pillows. She could easily work him to his release in a matter of moments, but that is not what she's here for. She glances away from his searching eyes, when she aligns him with her wet slit.  

 

And sinks down on him.

 

He is glorious and hard, filling and stretching her to the brim. It’s everything her body could ever want and wish for.

 

Her eyes begin to sting, but she refuses to look at him. She begins to rock on top, spreading her palms on his chest to steady herself, as he lets her ride him in a pace that will ruin her before her heart can catch up to what she’s doing.

 

Her brow begins to sweat, her heart begins to pound and her chest heaves. He is lying beneath her, their bodies acting as if they were never apart for a single moment, but her heart has never felt more alone.

 

_ Look at me. _

 

His voice speaks softly inside her, unfolding her memories. Shedding light in their dark days.

 

“Baby girl… Look at me _. _ ”

 

His hands run up her thighs. A sob tears at her throat and her rhythm stutters.

 

Ben reaches for her wrists, clutching them affectionately into his large hands as he sits up.

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.”

 

“You’re acting as if I don’t know you,” he leans in to catch her eyes, but she explodes before she can stop herself.

 

“Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do!” Dreadful silence slips between them as their bodies remain locked together - but they remain a galaxy apart. “Now, do you want to have sex with me or not?”

 

Rey knows she has taken this too far. That he’s going to push her off him, get out of bed, get dressed and ask for her to leave. He has done nothing but try to bridge the chasm between them all night long, while all she’s done is try to push him as far away as possible. She is such a mess. Such a horrible,  _ terrible _ mess of a person - and all she wants to do is  _ hurt  _ him.

 

But he only stares at her for a few awful moments with that heavy, indecipherable gaze of his.

 

“I’ve fooled around with barely a handful of women that meant nothing to me these past couple of years, but I’ve never slept with Hannah,” he states suddenly, pressing his lips together and looking so damn determined to reach out to her it’s infuriating. “I haven’t kissed or touched her in any intimate way, or tried to initiate any kind of personal contact with her. I want you to know that…” 

 

He lets go of  her wrists, only to wrap those strong arms around her and bring her just a breath closer to his body.  His wide brown eyes search for hers. “Not a single day has passed where I haven’t thought of you. Dreamt of being with you… You’re the reason I’ve been able to hold on to my sanity through these  _ empty years  _ in hope that one day... “

 

He stops just as his voice turns thick, and Rey is left staring at him, blinking away her tears.

 

“...In hope that one day we could find a way to become what we were always meant to be.”

 

There are a couple of more creases on the side of his eyes, and his face looks so much thinner than she remembers. She even thinks she spots a few greying hairs at his temples. But it’s not those insignificant details that make him feel as if he’s aged a lifetime in the span of these two  years. It’s the loneliness and dejection that have eaten him away. Just the way they have eaten away at her. 

 

“I’ve slept with other men.” 

 

He shakes his head lightly. “It’s ok. You had every right.”

 

“You told me to sleep with other men.”

 

“I asked you to move on… There is nothing wrong with what you did. I could never hold it against you," he says, wiping away a strand of hair from her face. "You did what you needed to do to make it through.”

 

“How can you say that?” she whispers. “I hated every minute of it.”

 

“I did  _ too.”  _  His hold on her tightens, turns desperate. “And I’m so  _ tired _ of it. I’m tired of wasting myself on people I don’t give a damn about, and staying away from the one person who means everything to me. I have put you through so much, and I would understand if you never want to see me again.  But you are the only thing that matters to me. Life is so short, and the only thing I want to do is spend it with you…" He slides his hands up to cup her face and hold her gaze. "If you are willing to have me..."

 

Tears roll down her face. Fat and hot - that his thumbs wipe away. They are so tender that Rey feels she doesn’t deserve his touch. She wished to hurt him just moments ago. 

 

“...I can only  _ hope _ that you will find it in your heart to forgive me someday,” he continues, as if he’s the only one who can carry the burden of their choices.

 

"Would you forgive  _ me _ ?" She whispers. 

 

"Forgive you?" He asks puzzled. “There is no reason to."

 

_ Yes there is.  _ She wants to scream at him. "I tried to forget you. I slept with other men so that I could try to forget you and…”

 

“Well, did you?” He raises his brow at her. “Forget me?"

 

There’s a little smugness in there - in the way he regards her - when he should be angry at her. Glaring daggers or snapping some kind of snarky retort. 

 

Only he isn't. 

 

Rey shakes her head. She is so tired of running away from him. Exhausted. And so very helplessly  _ in love with him. _

 

“Aren’t you mad at me?” she finally asks.

 

“No.”

 

“Even just a little?”

 

“I want to hunt down every bastard who touched you and cut off their balls if that makes you feel any better.”

 

She snorts and a smile breaks on her face, despite the tears spilling down her cheeks.

 

“Yes,” she nods. “I think I'd like that. But there’s just so many of them, and it would take you forever to track down every single one and..”

 

She nearly squeals when he flips her on her back, wedging himself between her spread legs and pinning her wrists on the sides of her head. He has her trapped beneath his body and he is staring at her now, all dark intentions and primitive need.

 

_ Damn _ … She knew the predator was just a scratch away...

 

“Nice try,” his chuckles playfully, but there’s a little danger behind his narrowed eyes. “If you want to make me feel jealous - it’s working.” 

 

His hardness is rubbing against her swollen center, and wetness pools treacherously between her legs. Rey nearly laughs at how easily her body betrays her. 

 

“Well good,” she beams at him. ”It was about time you knew how that felt.”

 

Rey never thought that this man could ever look like a kicked puppy, but for a split moment he  _ does. _

 

“You honestly have no idea what you make me go through," he deadpans.

 

Her smile falters. “I’m sorry…It was a stupid joke.”

 

But Ben doesn’t seem to find the joke funny. He simply studies her for a dreadfully long moment, with a gaze so steady and solemn that nervousness begins to crawl up her spine. He is so close that Rey can see her bewildered reflection in the pits of his dark irises, count his constellation of freckles and moles on his pale skin. 

 

Is he really that mad? Surely he must have known she was joking.

 

_ Gods,  _ she’s such an idiot...

 

She holds her breath and tries not to think about how this night can so easily derail into a complete catastrophe. 

 

But he only hums lazily in the end, tearing his gaze away, and bringing her wrist to his lips. “I'll let it slide this time…” He delivers his verdict by setting a kiss on her pulse. "But I can't guarantee about the next."

 

There’s a tiny curl of his lip, barely there really, but it’s enough to let her know he is actually amused by this whole situation.  _ Bloody asshole.  _ She exhales in relief. Rey can’t believe how naive she is to still fall for his oldest trick.

 

"Ben?"

 

"Yeah?" He mumbles, setting another kiss on her wrist. 

 

“Can I ask you a question?”

 

“Perhaps.”

 

"Would you really do it?" She’s really pushing her luck with him tonight.

 

"Punish you for the next cruel joke you make at my expense?"

 

" _ No.” Stars,  _ this man. “Track them down."

 

"I already know where they are."

 

"You  _ what _ ?" She attempts to pull her hand away, but he holds on to it tight, smiling against her skin.

 

"Or I might have a vague idea about where to find them."

 

He's messing with her. He must be messing with her. Either that, or he really must have been keeping tabs on her through Nyxx. _What a double crossing weasel,_ she thinks. She believed him to be her friend. Though, strangely enough, she doesn't feel angry about it. Not even just a little bit annoyed. In fact, she feels rather ... _satisfied._

 

Something warm coils deep inside her.

 

"Baby?"

 

"Hmmm?"  He’s so concentrated on nibbling her wrist that she feels reluctant about interrupting him. It feels divine.

 

“Make love to me tonight,” she whispers in his ear, which has him raise his head from the trail of bites he is setting along her forearm. He blinks at her, confused through his mess of hair, and in that instance he looks so much like the young boy she holds dear in her heart that her chest clenches. 

 

“I’ve always made love to you...” he replies as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. “You were just too afraid to see it.”

 

Her heart swells.

 

Rey pulls him in for a kiss, and he returns it hungrily and victoriously, all teeth and lapping tongue, suckling lips and heated breath. It has her giggling like a fool. And when he spreads her legs wide to push himself inside, she is _throbbing_ so damn much for him she thinks she will burst. 

 

Her orgasm slams suddenly into her when he is halfway sheathed in her, and she clings to him as if she might die. He curses low and buries his face in her neck as he helps her ride the convulsions, whispering dirty, wicked words of the things he will do to her tonight.

 

It is only the beginning.

 

Her limbs feel like butter when he settles her on her stomach and arches up her behind to slide himself back in. His pace is languid, slow and deep and so  _ perfect  _ that she knows there is no place to hide anymore. No more crumbled walls and broken facades. No more righteous excuses and helpless lies. Their feelings are as bare to each other as the nakedness of their writhing bodies.

 

It's the most sacred thing she has ever felt.

 

He drapes himself over her back and groans her name, struggling to maintain the punishingly slow rocking of their bodies. But he is just a man. And restraint is not his virtue.

 

There's a loud slap on her ass and Rey flinches from the sting. 

 

“Hey! What are you…?”

 

“Shh…” His hush is decadent against her ear. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what it’s for.”

 

His arm wraps around her waist before she can move away, and his other hand comes to knead her flesh, soothing away the pain.

 

"What will you do to me?" The slap had caught her by surprise, but it hadn't felt  _ bad _ in all honesty. She  _ knows  _ he will never hurt her again.

 

"Brace yourself, baby," he dictates. "I'm going to fuck your little cunt so sweet now, you will never let me go again. Do you understand?"

 

Exhilaration sparks down her body. She has never felt more  _ ready _ for him in her life. 

 

She nods, feeling her mouth go dry. "Yes."

 

"Good girl. Now...hold on tight."

 

His thrusts become quick. They become  _ hard. _

 

_ They become everything she could ever ask for. _

 

Their lovemaking turns fervent and sloppy, and the bed is not enough to contain their thrill. They find themselves tumbling over at some point, dragging half the covers along with them while they struggle to maintain their frantic pace without burning a hole through the floor.

 

When her next orgasm takes over her body, clenching at her insides and wringing her voice dry, Rey is somewhat aware in the back of her sizzled mind that she can never have enough of him. Never have him  _ deep _ enough. She scrapes at the floor, shamelessly moaning his name, as he follows right after with desperate, powerful thrusts, pumping his release inside her as if there is no tomorrow. 

 

Only there is. Rey hasn't felt so eager for what tomorrow will bring in a very, very long time.

 

They must lie on that floor panting and staring at each other blissfully for an unknown amount of time. Their cheeks are flushed, and their hair is matted on their sweaty temples but Rey can see that they are both  _ glowing.  _ When they eventually help each other crawl back up on the bed, laughing like idiots, she believes that if their life together can have a fraction of the happiness she feels right now, every damn, rotten decision they have ever made will be worth it.

 

But when Ben shuts the light off and turns to face her, draping his arm over her body to bring her close, she knows that their life together will have so much  _ more. _

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


“Rey? What are you doing here?” Leia asks with a voice raspy from sleep, hastily tying her night robe around her waist. Rey knows that it’s an ungodly hour in Chandrila, and she really has no excuse to be standing in front of Leia’s doorstep dressed in last night’s red gown and clutching her backpack to her chest. She must look like a crazy woman. But she really had no other place to go.

 

“What happened? Are you alright?” Leia regards her with so much concern, that Rey comes very close to confessing she just came back from sleeping with her son. 

 

“I don’t know…” she says in a small voice, wiping the streaks of tears on her face. “I think I am? I hope I will be...” She blurts out with a chuckle.

 

Rey had gotten out of Ben’s bed and left his room at the very first light of dawn, leaving him peacefully asleep on their tangled sheets. She had barely caught a wink of sleep herself, choosing to lie on her side instead, tracing his handsome features while he slept, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest and imagining that their talks of last night could come true.

 

_ “Hannah’s father has been replaced as head of his house, and I am no longer of political importance. It’s the opportunity I have been waiting for,” he had said later in the night, caressing her hair. “There’s nothing Hannah can do to stop me.” _

 

_ Rey had nodded in her pillow as she looked at him. Their limbs were tangled together and their eyes were gleaming with dreams of tomorrow. Everything seemed so real and possible that Rey felt as if she could conquer the galaxy. _

 

_ “All I’m asking is for you to wait for me. I am getting myself out of this marriage.  Will you do it? Will you wait for me?” His eyes had darted anxiously between hers. Rey knew that deep down,  for as long as she remembered, she had always waited for him. _

 

_ “Yes.” _

 

_ His lips had curled in a relieved smile. _

 

_ “But I can’t be with you until all this is over." Rey had said softly. Her fingertips had traced the lines of his dimples and had come to settle on the curve of his bottom lip. It was soft and swollen, and she didn’t know how she would part with it again. _

 

_ Ben hadn’t answered, but had nodded in understanding. _

 

_ “Where will you be?” _

 

_ “Don’t worry.” She had smiled at him. “You don’t have to use Nyxx to track me down. I’ll make it easy for you to find me.” _

 

Rey wipes the new tears that are already welling in her eyes with the back of her hand, hoping with all her heart that his mother doesn’t ask any more questions. 

 

“May I come in?”

  
  


***

  
  
  
  


Ben’s door to his childhood room creaks as it opens, which means he hasn’t stayed here in a long time. It smells a bit stuffy when she steps inside, like old wood, smoke, and something masculine that matches the scent on her skin. Rey couldn’t feel more welcomed. 

 

“It needs to be aired out,” Leia says from the entrance. “I’ll have a cleaning droid freshen up the sheets and…”

 

“There’s no need,” Rey interrupts her with a small smile. “I don’t mind. This is perfect.”

 

She ventures further inside, studying the charcoal drawings framed on the walls and the trinkets and gimmicks of a teenage boy laying about the worn out, wooden furniture. 

 

“You look like you’ve had a rough evening,” Leia offers softly. “Why don’t I have Threepio prepare you some hot herbal tea and something light for you to eat? I believe you need it.” She’s being so courteous and generous about her unexpected visit that Rey barely refrains herself from falling into the woman’s embrace. She’s the closest person there is to Ben at the moment, and the home she has always craved, but she feels like she has already overstepped.

 

“ _ No.  _ No…I’m fine,” she says, running her fingers on the light dust covering his desk. She comes to stand in front of the beat up bookcase brimming in old books and datapads. There’s so much to discover about him here. “Thank you...”

 

But Ben’s mother is already draping a warm blanket over her shoulders, looking at her with those soft brown eyes that remind her so much of him. 

 

“I'm not taking no for an answer,” she says, trying to hide her own swelling emotions. “Make yourself at home, my child. He’s doing his best to come back to you. Just be a little patient.”

 

Rey feels the truth of her words fill those cracks inside her, that are yearning and waiting and hoping to be whole again. 

 

She hears the door shut softly behind Leia, just as Rey walks over to the large windows of his room. It’s the deepest hour of the night, right before dawn breaks in the horizon. The sparkling waters of the lake stretch before her, and the twin moons have already retreated into their hiding place. The image is so similar to last night’s that Rey thinks she will feel him stand behind her, running his fingers gently along the spine of her neck and making every fine hair of her body reach for his caress.

 

_ “The divorce won’t be easy. It might take a few months at best,” he had said earlier in the evening, as they walked side by side towards his hotel. The night had been so sweet Rey felt as if the gods had created it just for them. “Hannah is fond of my status in Coruscant’s society - and even more fond of my credits. She won’t back down without a fight.” _

 

_ “I thought she was in love with you.” _

 

_ “She’s in love with the image of me.” _

 

_ “Is that why you’re getting a divorce then? Because she doesn’t know how to love you?” Her question had sounded saltier than intended. She knew their marriage was because of a political agreement and he didn’t harbor any deeper feelings for her. But still… _

 

_ Ben had lifted his eyes to hers. Rey could swear that all the sadness of the world was gathered inside them at times. _

 

_ “You should know better than to ask me such questions. I’m divorcing her because I’m in love with you.” _

 

Rey is already missing him like crazy. She doesn’t know how she will make it through the next few months without seeing him. Listening to his voice. Without  _ feeling him _ .

 

But life finds solutions when we least expect them. Because as the days go by and Rey is unable to tear herself away from Ben’s childhood home, she comes to realize that she is aware of his presence in a way that transcends the material world. Worlds and systems of planets might be between them, but he feels like he is merely a thought away. A heartbeat that stutters when she longs for him, a breeze that touches her skin when she is laying in his bed at night.

 

A voice that speaks inside her.

 

She knows there is a connection between them. Some glitch of the Force that bonds them. But this is so much more. Sometimes she doesn’t know where she ends and he begins. 

 

As if they are pieces of one being that should have never been torn in two.

  
  


***

  
  


“I might have to give up the estate.”

 

Ben’s holoprojection thrums on the surface of Leia’s office desk one early morning. She can hear bustling in the background, and Kaydel’s face comes into view momentarily, as she leans to say something in Ben’s ear. He scowls and shifts in his seat before gesturing for his secretary to leave him be. 

 

“The apartment too,” he growls, sitting back and rubbing at his face. “I’ll be signing a good portion of my property over to her, and hopefully she won’t be asking for an alimony.”

 

“That’s ok…”

 

“No, it’s  _ not _ . I love that apartment.”

 

“We’ll get another. And if you’re too broke to afford one by the end of the divorce, then I’ll just mind trick a real estate agent to give us one. How does Chandrila sound?”

 

“Too close to my mother.”

 

“How about Kuat? You have invested a lot of credits in their ship industries.”

 

“It has no trees. You won’t be able to survive. Besides, it’s no place to raise a family on.”

 

“To raise a fam…” Rey parrots stupidly before her voice gives out on her. She sits frozen on Leia’s plush leather chair, with a mug of hot herbal tea in her now trembling hand, staring at Ben’s blue image smirking devilishly at her. 

 

“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your communication, my lady, but Prin… Senator Organa has been looking for you,” Leia’s golden protocol droid chimes suddenly from the entrance of the office.  “The Mirrorbright is ready for take off, and she is extremely concerned about running late to her appointment with the ambassador of Naboo and… Master Solo! I did not notice it was you. I have a malfunction in my right eye that limits my peripheral vision to …”

 

“Threepio, not now....” Ben’s holoprojection growls.

 

“...seventy six percent of the original…”

 

“I said not now!”

 

The droid whirs in Rey's direction with arms raised in befuddlement, but before it can protest she assures it with a smile. “Tell Leia I’ll be there shortly.” 

 

By the time Threepio shuffles out of the room Rey is able to get her emotions somewhat under check. But Ben’s confidence has slipped away. 

 

“A family?” She asks, in an attempt to verify that her hearing is intact.

 

He regards her sheepishly. “It’s just a thought. Nothing solid or concrete. And of course, if you’re not interested in having children or being tied down to one place, I don’t mind. As long as…”

 

“Ben.”

 

“...we are together and we…”

 

“ _ Ben.” _

 

He is ruffling through some datapads stacked in front of him, with his attention set on the task as if it’s the most important job in the world. He bites at the inside of his cheek.

 

“I want a family with you,” she says.

 

Ben stops the ruffling but keeps his gaze lowered. He clears his throat. “Alright,” he says, after a few heartbeats have gone by. “If you insist.”

 

“I insist.” Rey hides the grin spreading on her face behind the steaming mug of tea. If she could figure out a way to jump across the stars and wrap her arms around this man through that stupid bond that connects them, she totally would. Right this instance. He can be so damn  _ adorable _ without even knowing. She takes a generous swig without thinking, and barely stops herself from flinching because of the scalding beverage.

 

"Aw! Fucking _hells_!" Ben hisses, sputtering and wiping at his lips. “Did Threepio make this? I swear he is _obsessed_ with serving tea at temperatures beyond boiling point. Don't you dare let him make another one for you again,” he grumbles, regarding her concerned. “Are you alright?”

 

She believes her tongue will fall off actually, but he already has a lot on his mind, so she figures there's no point in adding Threepio's reprogramming to his list. Besides, Leia seems to be fond of that ancient droid for some odd reason.

 

“I will be when you’re here," Rey settles on saying in the end. She misses him like crazy, so she might as well make him feel guilty about that.

 

He cracks an unguarded smile for her, the type that makes his whole face brighten up like a beaming sun. “Soon, sweetheart. Very soon.”

 

Rey carries that smile everywhere she goes after that. She knows it won't be long.

 

***

  
  


She’s taking a swim in the middle of the lake one hot summer afternoon, when a black ship suddenly cuts through the sky.

 

The waters are glassy, reflecting the foliage of the forest and the cerulean sky like a perfect mirror. The light breeze that had been gracing the lake earlier in the day has died down, leaving the world at the mercy of a relentless sun. Not a single ripple can be seen on the surface of the water. Not even a leaf swaying on a branch - as if it’s too cumbersome of a job for nature to take a single breath.

 

Rey dips her head into the sparkling water to soothe her burning cheeks, the soft splash the only other sound accompanying the buzzing of crickets that surround the lake. 

 

When she breaks through the surface, the smooth whirring of an engine has filled the air, and she lifts her head just in time to catch the sun reflecting off the black sleek metal of a ship in the sky. 

 

Her heart jolts just as his voice fills her mind.

 

_ I'm coming, angel. _

 

Adrenaline surges through her, and then Rey is splashing and kicking and splattering through the calm waters like a newborn bantha. Every damn swimming lesson that Rose - the Mirrorbright’s technician - has given her flies out the hatch. It's the longest five minutes of her life - the struggle to get to the shore - and she comes this close to leaving her hindering body behind for the fish to feast on.

 

The ship disappears behind the foliage just as she reaches shallow waters.

 

"Ben!" She cries out, digging her feet into the wet sand and breaking into a run. 

 

He appears suddenly on the twisting pebbled path that comes around the house from the private landing bay, wearing a plain white button down shirt over grey trousers, and he blends in so beautifully with the colors of the garden and the marble of the back patio that Rey nearly misses him.

 

"Ben!"

 

His attention snaps to her and his whole face lights up. 

 

_ Ben! _

 

The sand is scorching hot under her feet, making it so damn difficult to run - Rey knows she will have blisters by the end of the day - but he's hurrying down the path too, his own urgency mirroring her own as it so often happens these days between them.

 

_ I'm here, baby… I’m finally here. _

 

Rey  stumbles on a rock, nearly tripping. Her right hand touches the sand as she regains her balance, and when she looks up he's right in front of her.

 

She's barely aware that her arms are wrapping tightly around his neck and that she's being lifted in the air. That she's clutched against his solid chest and that his hands are tightening around her like vices.

 

Rey is barely aware of any of it, because his lips crash onto hers, kissing her like a madman and giving her all that he has. And then her head is spinning, and her heart is soaring - and maybe it's the whole damn galaxy that’s turning inside out - but she could care less at the moment. 

 

Because Ben is here. In her arms. Hers at last.

 

_ Hers, hers, hers… _

 

And nothing else matters.

 

He stops too soon and pulls away for a gulp of air, which Rey knows is completely unnecessary in their case - because who needs air in their lungs when they are tangled around each other - but he is looking at her with sparkling eyes, crinkled from elation and all the love that exists in the world, so she thinks she will forgive him this one time. 

 

"I've missed you…" is all she thinks to say because,  _ gods,  _ he is so  _ beautiful _ today in the middle of this summer afternoon, under this blistering, golden sun and bright blue sky, that Rey wants  _ time  _ to stop at this very moment.  _ Forever _ . Lock them up in this very heartbeat and never let them go again.

 

She buries her face in his neck, inhaling his musk and sweat and staleness of his ship, lacing fingers in his thick hair and digging fingers into the muscles of his back. He is here. Wrapped around her, solid and strong and free - finally free.  Wisps of his hair is tickling her nose, and the sun is blinding her eyes, but he is so warm around her that tears well in her eyes.

 

"I’m here, baby girl… Never letting go of you again…" his deep voice rumbles inside her.

 

She nods in his neck because  _ yes, yes…  _ she  _ knows.  _ She’s never letting him out of her sight again either, but she still needs to tell him. Tell him of this soul deep emotion that has been within her since the beginning of time. Before the creation of the world.

 

Before the gods even existed.

 

Her lips part next to his ear just as his breath fans on the shell of her own. But no words come out from either of them. 

 

_ I love you. _

 

A thought breezes through her mind instead. And it really doesn't matter if it comes from him or her, or who says it first.

 

Because their hearts are beating as  _ one _ on this lovely summer day.

 

And who needs words, anyway?

  
  
  
****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left my lovelies -an epilogue from Ben's POV before this story comes to an end. It has been one hell of a ride and I have never felt happier to wrap these babies up in sunshine! Thank you ALL for your incredible, amazing support! I would have never been able to do it without you...


End file.
